Danny (age 2, glowing faintly, clutching a half-empty juice box): “I WANT MORE JUICE. THIS IS INJUSTICE.”

Bruce: “Danny, please. It’s bedtime.”

Danny: “BEDTIME IS A LIE. I AM THE PHANTOM KING.”

Damian: “He’s glowing brighter than the Bat-Signal.”

Jason: “That’s not the Bat-Signal. That’s a category five hurricane forming.”

Steph: “I just got a text from Oracle. Gotham’s weather app is completely broken.”

Barbara (via comms): “It’s not just the app. The entire city is experiencing a localized storm… and it’s following Danny’s mood.”

Dick: “He’s having a tantrum storm. Like, literal weather storm.”

Cass: “He just floated up and slammed his tiny fists on the floor. The power just flickered.”

Duke: “The clouds outside are swirling in green and purple. It’s kind of... beautiful? And terrifying.”

Alfred (calm but concerned): “Master Danny’s aura is causing electromagnetic interference, sir.”

Bruce: “How do we calm a toddler who controls the weather and just declared war on bedtime?”

Danny (pouting, glowing with storm clouds swirling above): “NO. JUICE. NO NAPS.”

Tim: “We tried bribing him with pancakes shaped like bats.”

Danny: “Not enough.”

Jason: “I offered him the last piece of cake. He sent a lightning bolt through my hand.”

Steph: “I think I saw a bird get struck twice.”

Damian: “His wrath is... elemental.”

[Outside the manor, Gotham residents look up at a swirling green-purple vortex.]

Citizen 1: “Is that—?”

Citizen 2: “Nope. Nope. Nope. Going inside. Closing windows.”

Citizen 3: “Is this a new kind of Joker prank?”

Batman (via comms): “No. This is worse.”

Danny (now standing on the rooftop, arms crossed, storm raging): “I DEMAND A NEW JUICE BOX, OR I WILL CANCEL ALL SUNSHINE.”

Klarion (appearing dramatically): “Fret not, young phantom! I shall conjure a tempest of juice boxes!”

Danny (eyes sparkling): “YES. FRIEND.”

Bruce: “How many times do I have to remind you—no magic without supervision?”

Klarion: “Supervision is for mortals.”

Dick: “Why am I suddenly craving a thunderstorm-flavored smoothie?”

Barbara: “The city’s power grid is fluctuating with his mood swings.”

Cass: “He just threw a tantrum and a thunderbolt at the TV remote.”

Jason: “Remote is fried.”

Alfred: “I suggest immediate sacrifice of cookies and calming lullabies.”

Danny (grinning, juice box replenished): “Storm is passing. But only because I am satisfied.”

Damian: “For now.”

The Realms (observing, booming voices):

Ancient of Storms: “The Phantom Child has learned the ancient art of tantrum conjuration.”

Ancient of Balance: “The universe itself bows to his whim.”

Clockwork: “Nap time has never been so consequential.”

Fright Knight: “I volunteer to babysit next time.”

Realmia (whispering): “The storm will pass, but the legacy remains.”

Bruce (collapsing into a chair): “I’m going to need a week off.”

Danny (snuggling a glowing stuffed bat): “I’m a good king now.”

Steph: “For now.”

(aka “The Baby King Must Nap or the Realms Will Riot”) — full-length cursed meme edition

Bruce: It’s just a nap. He’s two. How bad can this be?

Danny (floating upside down, glowing faintly): “I do not sleep. I transcend.”

Tim: I gave him warm milk and he turned it into a glowing energy orb and launched it into the void. The void thanked him.

Steph: I read him a bedtime story. He edited it mid-sentence and summoned a spectral goat as a side character. I… I liked it better his way.

Jason: I told him he couldn’t skip his nap and he straight-up turned intangible and floated through the ceiling. While maintaining perfect eye contact. I am haunted.

Barbara: He hacked the baby monitor to display a slideshow of memes he made using our security cam footage. They’re good.

Duke: He rearranged his plushies into the shape of an interdimensional sigil. I looked it up. It means “resistance.”

Cass: I blinked. He was asleep. I blinked again. He was standing on the ceiling muttering to the furniture.

Danny (wearing three onesies layered on top of each other and a Batman cowl): “Sleep is a mortal weakness. I am beyond.”

Damian: He told me, and I quote, “Nap is a trap laid by the forces of capitalism and bedtime oppression.” Then he threw a glow stick at my face and vanished into a pillow fort.

Dick: I tried cuddling him to sleep. He accepted, purred like a cat, and then somehow cursed my shoelaces to untie every 10 minutes. He's still snuggling me. I’m afraid to move.

Bruce: He needs rest. It’s vital for his ghost core.

Danny (materializing on the chandelier): “My ghost core feeds on rebellion.”

Steph: I gave him a juice pouch and he downed it like a shot and demanded “a tale of conquest before rest.”

Tim: I told him if he napped I’d let him press the Batplane’s big red button later. He’s snoring. He drooled. It’s adorable. I’ve never felt such raw power.

[Meanwhile, in the Realms...]

Ancient of Sleep: “He has not entered REM state. This is a crisis.”

Ancient of Chaos: “Send in the tiny batlings again. They amuse him.”

Realmia (the Realms personified): “I have sent dreams shaped like plush bats and glowing stars. He threw them back.”

Clockwork: “He is weaponizing sleep deprivation. He’s… innovating.”

[Back in Gotham…]

Danny (snuggled under twelve weighted blankets and glowing faintly): “I will nap if the snack tribute is worthy.”

Alfred (immediate, calm): “Warm cookies. Triple chocolate. Mini marshmallows. Served on a Batman plate.”

Danny: “The child king accepts.”

Everyone sighs in collective relief.

Two hours later…

Jason (whispering): “He’s asleep. Don’t. Move.”

Steph (whispering louder): “He’s drooling on Damian.”

Damian: “I am honored.”

Danny (murmuring in his sleep): “Snacks... nap... fear me…”

[THE REALMS SHIMMER. A DECREE ARRIVES VIA FLOATING, FLAMING SCROLL.]

Official Decree of the Realms:

“Henceforth, the Batfamily is recognized as the Court Babysitters of His Highness Phantom, Baby Sovereign of the Infinite Realms, Ruler of Stuffed Animal Kingdoms and Defier of Naps.”

Barbara (reading aloud): “Wait, we’re what?”

Bruce (holding the scroll): “This is legally binding in seventeen dimensions.”

Cass: “We need matching outfits.”

Steph: “I’m bedazzling mine.”

Tim: “Does this come with hazard pay?”

Jason: “I demand a title. Like General of Juice.”

Danny (waking up with glowing eyes and static hair): “I want pancakes shaped like bats.”

Everyone: “YES SIR!”

Duke (quietly): “We are being ruled by a glowing toddler in Batman pajamas.”

Alfred (smiling): “And he’s doing a marvelous job of it.”

(featuring De-aged Danny, Klarion the Witch Boy, and the slowly unraveling sanity of the Batfamily)

Bruce: I’m assigning shifts. Danny cannot be left alone with Klarion.

Tim: Too late. Klarion showed up ten minutes ago and they’re currently drawing runes on the kitchen tiles.

Bruce: …I TOLD you to lock the magic wards.

Steph: That was before Klarion turned the lock into a gummy worm and declared Danny his “chaos prince.”

Damian: I tried to stab him.

Cass: nods solemnly She helped.

Jason: Klarion just threatened to turn me into a cactus and Danny cheered.

Danny (2 y/o): holding up a juice box like a holy relic “Dewey say WESPECT NAP TIME!!”

Klarion: offended “NAP TIME IS OPPRESSION.”

Duke: They’re floating now. They’re both FLOATING. The ceiling fan is spinning backwards.

Babs (on comms): What the hell is a "chaos pact” and why did Danny sign it with applesauce?!

Dick: I tried reasoning with them. Danny licked my face and Klarion hexed my shoelaces to scream.

Alfred: Master Bruce, the sugar gremlins have united. There is chanting in the walls.

Danny (giggling): “Kwarion says the bathtub is the new THRONE.”

Klarion: “Let the coronation begin. We will fill it with Jell-O and frogs.”

Jason: I don’t even know if I should stop them or take notes.

Damian: This is a war crime.

Cass: points at the glowing frogs War crimes with style.

Steph: Wait. Where’s the dog?

Klarion: cackling Teekl is currently babysitting Batcow. Don’t worry. She’s very responsible.

Bruce: We don’t have Batcow anymore.

Danny: cheerfully “Moo moo went boom boom in the void!”

Duke: I am not emotionally equipped for this level of supernatural babysitting.

Babs (overwatch): Alright, I just caught Klarion opening a dimensional rift with a juice box straw.

Tim: Danny traded his left sock for a spell scroll.

Jason: sobbing laughter HE CAN’T EVEN READ.

Cass: Klarion reads for him. They have story time now.

Dick: Okay but listen—Klarion is doing the voices and Danny keeps demanding “more violence.”

Steph: They started a sock cult. I just saw four plushies in cloaks.

Bruce: gritting teeth Who authorized this?!

Alfred (calmly): Master Danny looked at me with those enormous green eyes and asked if we could make the house "Halloween forever." I, naturally, agreed.

Danny (crowned in fruit loops): “By decree of me, Prince of Spookville, we shall not nap until the moon sings!”

Klarion: bowing deeply “LONG MAY HE REIGN.”

Damian: If I disappear into the walls, do not find me.

Tim: If I disappear into the walls, please rescue me.

Duke: I looked into the bathtub throne and saw my future.

Jason: I saw my past.

Babs: Klarion just summoned a demon shaped like a bouncy castle.

Danny (excited): “BOUNCEY BOI!!!”

Dick: There are spikes on it.

Steph: Yeah, but they’re adorable. Like…baby safe spikes.

Bruce: WHAT THE HELL IS A BABY-SAFE SPIKE?!

Alfred (returning with cookies): Tea is ready, and I have diplomatically negotiated peace using oatmeal raisin offerings.

Bruce: Where is Danny now?

Alfred: Attempting to hex the microwave with a juice box.

Bruce: I am going to cry.

Danny: from the kitchen “MACHINE NO GO BEEP NO MORE.”

Klarion (gleeful): “AND THUS, TECHNOLOGY KNEELS!”

The Realms (watching):

Clockwork: Fascinating. This is better than cable.

Fright Knight: They’re going to blow up the bathtub.

Ember: I like these Batkids. They’re so loud.

Walker: That baby just ate a sigil.

Ancients: We bless this union of chaos. Let the mortal world burn—in friendship and bubbles.

Conclusion:

Danny is now wearing a cape made of sticky notes and peanut butter, Klarion is teaching him how to levitate juice boxes with his mind, and the Batfamily has collectively decided to let Alfred handle it.

He is now King. Again. Of the bathtub.

Danny (beaming): “I RULE THE TILES.”

Klarion (swooping dramatically): “AND I, YOUR LOYAL COURT JESTER!”

Jason: I have never felt more like the normal one.

Danny (proudly): “This was best playdate ever.”

All of Gotham: shuddering in the aftermath

Klarion: Next week—WE CONQUER DAYCARE.

Clockwork: “I shall manage his schedule with absolute precision. No tantrums under my watch.” Ancient of Storms: “I offer calming thunderstorms to soothe his restless spirit.” Ancient of Life: “My healing mists will restore him swiftly.” Ancient of Chaos: “I’ll make his fever fun.” Fright Knight: “I volunteer to scare away the germs.”

Bruce: “I don’t care who does it—just keep him alive.” Alfred: “Tea and biscuits are prepared. I’m ready.”

Clockwork (attempting order): “Nap time is at 1900 hours. Deviation will not be tolerated.” Danny (sneezing, glowing faintly): “No nap. Play.” Ancient of Chaos: “Perfect! Playtime chaos is my specialty!” Ancient of Life: “Rest, child. Restore.” Ancient of Storms: “I can lull him with gentle rain.” Danny: casts a tiny storm cloud that drenches everyone “NOPE.”

Fright Knight: lurking in the corner “I’ll protect him from nightmares and bad germs.” Jason: “He’s already scared of me. What’s new?” Danny: smiles devilishly “You good scary.”

Ancient of Life: “Allow me to sing a healing hymn.” Danny: covers ears “Too loud. No sleep.”

Clockwork: “I will regulate his feeding schedule.” Danny: throws juice box “I am the schedule.”

Ancient of Chaos: “Then let chaos reign!” Ancient of Storms: “Chaos + storms = disaster.” Ancient of Life: “Healing + order = peace.” Danny: giggling “Chaos is fun.”

Bruce: “Someone—anyone—please just hold him.” Alfred: “On it, sir.” picks up Danny gently

Danny (cuddled in Alfred’s arms): “Cookie?” Alfred: “One, freshly baked.” Danny: “Cookie good. I nap now.”

Ancients (in unison): “The power of the mortal butler triumphs.”

Bruce: “Alfred’s officially the best babysitter in all realms.” Danny: half-asleep “Alfred... king too.”