#the mud

i’ve been doing these mental lists of pros and cons of my life but it’s easy to forget when i don’t write them down. 

+ feeling closer to myself again but still maybe miles away. + i love my backyard. i really want to make sure that i take the time to get out there and just breathe it and listen to what the wind is saying. i think the back deck is going to amazing for morning yoga as long as i don't let my anxiety overtake me. + i've been moving more...itching for it, honestly. + less binges, more honesty with myself when i do binge. + having three day weekends all of july was such a smart idea. i really needed it. + art fair tomorrow! i need that normalcy and i can't wait to suck up the energy. + having a crush was the best idea i ever had. it feels nice. + i seem to be trying at least to be kinder to myself...letting certain things go because the fight isn't worth it.

- still need to get my shit together and organize my fucking life. why am i still surrounded by boxes? also clean your fucking car out. - i think i smoke too much. - i want to pick and poke and prod every part of my body that i hate. i find myself pinching parts and scratching too hard. glaring at myself in the mirror. rolling my eyes when i laugh too loud. - i am overthinking all my interactions. i always feel like i'm being TOO much. coming on too strong. that voice is so loud sometimes.

+/- i did my tarot last night and it was honest and true and exactly what i needed but also reality isn't always kind. gotta be okay with that. +/- i'm so broke but it's also a good wake up call to stick with my spending plans. i don't need much more this summer

mostly things are good. stable. i’m feeling really in tune with my spirituality. i also feel like surrounding myself with love and searching it out but also remembering not to rush things. i don’t know.