#tehoaew

    There’s a saying that claims if you want something done right, then you have to do it yourself. Teh agrees with that. If Oh-Aew is hungry, Teh will offer to prepare Oh-Aew’s favourite (hokkien-mee with vermicelli, of course). If they want to visit somewhere in town, Teh will drive the vegetable cart so Oh-Aew can just enjoy the ride. If he senses that Oh-Aew’s feeling down, Teh will ask Oh-Aew to keep him company until he falls asleep, not necessarily for Teh’s sake but because he knows it brings comfort to Oh-Aew.

    Teh doesn’t mind being the one to step up, whether it’s in his family or with his boyfriend. He likes to make Oh-Aew smile. So when Oh-Aew’s not smiling — when he’s crying, like he is right now — Teh can’t help his mind’s immediate need to come up with a list of ways to help, even though not everything has a solution.

    This is a particularly difficult case because it isn’t as simple as trying on a too-small shirt in an effort to coax an eye-roll laugh from Oh-Aew. Their childhood is coming to a predetermined close, and there’s nothing Teh can do to protect Oh-Aew from that truth. They’re going to leave Phuket. You know how there’s another cliché that says you can’t go home again? Teh didn’t understand what this meant when he was younger. Phuket isn’t going anywhere, so why would he be unable to return?

    Now that he’s watched Oh-Aew’s unbothered smile become pinched over these past weeks and Teh himself is mere days out from university, he thinks he sort of gets it. He’ll come home again, but it won’t be the home he’s been accustomed to. Like he told Oh-Aew, things have been changing even with them in town while they were there to see it. They’ll go away and return to find a place with only the echoes of the home they knew.

    Phuket will remain, but the people they were there won’t. The children they were until the day they leave… won’t remain.

    Oh-Aew cries into his arms on a beach they never cared to visit and Teh understands. To let go of all this with the certainty that they can’t get it back is… For Teh, it’s unsteadying. For someone so sensitive and tuned to the universe as Oh-Aew, it’s debilitating.

    Teh holds Oh-Aew tight, aware that he’s likely the one thing keeping him upright, and keeps a firm grip on his hand when they return to the cart. “Let me take you somewhere,” he says.

    “Somewhere else?” Oh-Aew sniffles. “I’m tired.”

    “You’ll be happy. Trust me.”

    Oh-Aew meets his eyes, unsure, and Teh nudges him under the chin with a soft grin. Oh-Aew can’t help returning the smile, as slight as it is.

    Once his boyfriend is situated in the cart, Teh announces, “You have to wear this.”

    Oh-Aew looks at the fabric in Teh’s hand. “Your shirt?” Conspiratorial, Teh folds the shirt into an uneven, bandana-like swath, motioning for Oh-Aew to stay still. “Teh, what is this?”

    “You’ll know where we’re going if I don’t blindfold you.”

    “Yeah, I got that much. Why — ”

    Teh smacks a kiss to the top of Oh-Aew’s hair and says, “No more questions, Professor.”

    Oh-Aew shakes his head, muttering, “So weird,” but he doesn’t say anything else. He’s otherwise subdued on the way as he fiddles with his fingers, and Teh knows they really need this.

    Oh-Aew stumbles a little even with Teh’s help standing from the cart, but he only laughs and whacks Teh’s arm. “You jerk!” he says loudly.

    “I didn’t let you fall on purpose!” Teh rejoins, jaw dropped.

    “That’s exactly what you’d say if you tried to sabotage me,” Oh-Aew says with a stuck-out tongue.

    “I think I’ll just dump you back into the cart and take us home.”

    As though sensing the step Teh takes away from him, Oh-Aew grabs his arm. “Oh no, you don’t! You didn’t drag me wherever we are just to turn around; I’m not a dog in a hand-bag!”

    “Yeah, you’re even yappier.”

    “Oi, Teh!”

    “Joking, joking,” Teh says, giving Oh-Aew’s arms a gentle shake. “I’ll keep you close so you don’t fall, okay?”

    “Yeah, don’t go pushing me down any cliffs.”

    “At this point I should probably say that to you,” Teh counters, and Oh-Aew snorts. His hands on Teh’s arm tightens as they move forward, though, which undercuts his apparent nonchalance. “Relax. Hold on a second.” Oh-Aew waits and regains his vice-grip on Teh as soon as he’s back by his side. “There’s some stairs, so be careful.”

    “Teh, I swear if you — ”

    “Ai’Oh, I got you.”

    Teh leads him down the rickety wooden steps and onto the sand. The familiar feeling makes Oh-Aew’s nose crinkle, eyebrows coming together.

    “Teh.” Teh removes the shirt from Oh-Aew’s eyes. “Are we —  ?” He takes in the ocean view that he’s known since junior high, and the person who had introduced this place to him back then. “Teh,” Oh-Aew says again, “I thought…”

    Teh shrugs on his shirt with a casual, “Like I’d let a little red barrier stop me,” and Oh-Aew flattens him with a look. Teh abandons buttoning in favour of pawing at Oh-Aew’s arm. “It was basically thin wood tied there with one string; I can fix it in two minutes,” he rambles. “Just, look.”

    He takes Oh-Aew by his shoulders to turn him back to the water, heartened when Oh-Aew doesn’t resist. He just takes a slow inhale, eyes closing, his posture slackening in a way it hasn’t all day, maybe even all week.

    Teh stands at Oh-Aew’s back and settles his arms around Oh-Aew’s waist. “I know you’re scared,” Teh says quietly. Oh-Aew lifts their hands to press against his stomach. “The longest we’ve been away from Phuket is, like, three days at best. But you’ll have a piece of home to keep you safe, just like I do.”

    “A life jacket?” Oh-Aew asks dryly.

    “Me,” Teh corrects him. “I have you, and you have me.”

    Oh-Aew releases a breath, turning in Teh’s arms. “I don’t want to forget, you know? All of this. We already took it for granted, like how we didn’t notice the school’s renovation. What’s gonna happen when we’re gone? We’ll just…” Oh-Aew digs his toe into the sand, shrugging. “We’ll change and we won’t notice until it’s too late.”

    Teh tugs Oh-Aew closer, their faces near one another. “Yeah, we’ll change.” He pushes his fingers through Oh-Aew’s soft hair. Without a strict dress-code, it’s longer now than Teh’s ever seen it and he never gets enough of it. “I used to hate coconut,” he points out. “You preferred cats until dear Tooty stole your heart.” A laugh is surprised from Oh-Aew and Teh grins. “Change can be good sometimes.” Oh-Aew nods slowly, picking at the shoulder seam of Teh’s shirt. “What’re you thinking?”

    “I’m thinking… You trespassed onto a beach for me.”

    “It’s hardly trespassing when the gate is — ”

    Oh-Aew squeezes Teh’s cheeks and kisses him silent, which always works; and grins at Teh’s, “Oi!” of complaint when he steps away. “It’s getting late, you hooligan; we have a sunset to catch.”

    “We can watch it here.”

    “You know it’s best at that one spot.” Teh pushes out his lip and Oh-Aew laughs, swinging his hand in Teh’s. “Aw, who’s pouting?”

    “I broke in here for you.”

    “So you admit it.” Teh throws up his arms and Oh-Aew’s laughter comes back, louder than ever. “We’ll come back,” he promises. “This is our place. That won’t change.”

    Teh nods and presses another soft kiss to Oh-Aew’s lips, their foreheads bumping where they stand together on the sand. His eyes are earnest as he starts, “Oh’, I hope you know, I do everything I do for you because I…” but he trails off into, “Last sunset in Phuket. Better not miss it.” Oh-Aew wants to ask what he had avoided saying, but Teh is already walking for the stairs.

    The ride back into town is quiet, with Teh reaching for Oh-Aew’s hand like he always does whenever they come to a sign or light. Teh’s joked that he likes having to stop because it means getting to hold Oh-Aew’s hand, even for a few moments. His sweet boyfriend who fancies himself the solver of Oh-Aew’s problems and dislikes being apart for too long. Oh-Aew pretends not to find it endearing, but he does. He really does.

    An hour later, the sun a few minutes from setting and Teh’s arm pressed snug to his, Oh-Aew hears from his right, “I love you,” the very words Oh-Aew’s saved in his mouth every day for months.

    Teh’s eyes are as earnest as they’d been at the water, and Oh-Aew knows this must be what Teh had meant to say. Part of Oh-Aew hadn’t been sure when Teh would ever feel comfortable enough to speak on his feelings explicitly, so to hear it this casually takes him aback. It must show on his face, because Teh clarifies that he’d wanted today to be special for Oh-Aew.

    “And I’ve never told you, not once,” Teh concludes, simple as anything.

    Oh-Aew is going to cry about this moment, maybe much later when Teh is asleep and Oh-Aew can think about how this new first of theirs will never be replicated. But for now he offers a smile.

    “Mm. I love you too,” he says, and the content glow about Teh at hearing the response floods Oh-Aew with such warmth that if anyone asked him to describe what he’s feeling, he couldn’t possibly try.

    This is one of their final firsts; and for fear of what’s to come, for the bitter joy choking him, he wants to live in it forever.