#team corn

Aja: The Roxxxy special was extremely well done, with not just one wig reveal, but two! The Bitchelor performance was interesting, but she didn’t really hit that Needy role, so I understand why she got in the bottom three. I expected that Ru would name her a bottom three and then keep her safe, but she being in the bottom vote took me by surprise.

Bebe: A very safe performance in both maxi challenge and runway challenge. She did well, nothing more.

BenDelaCreme: Dela is still on the top. Her Bitchelor performance was extraordinary. That Cougar was pulling in the prey! Wig reveal was classy and had a more to it than what the other girls brought. I agree with Michele with what she said how she is still waiting for her to drop the ball, and I am afraid that when a non-comical challenge comes, she won’t be as good as she was in these mostly comedic challenges. My top 3.

Chi Chi: Oh girl. She really grew on me since the first episode and I like her more and more with each passing episode. She was completely out of it during the Bitchelor and kept throwing the ball in Shangela’s court because she was too afraid to spike or something. She needs to be more comfortable with her performance and to do her best without caring what the other girls are doing. Her wig reveal was not very memorable, and when I say not very memorable, I literally can’t remember what it looked like. With that said, I am glad she survived this episode.

Kenedy: We finally got to see that diamond shine! I was literally laughing out loud every time she appeared on the screen during the Bitchelor. Her wig reveal was very well tiered and I loved it. During her Milk argument last week I was more on the Milk side, but well, it’s a story for the next paragraph.

Milk: On my first ruview of the AS3 I said I liked Milk for playing a bitch. Well, she actually was not playing, she was extremely spoiled bitch. Like, girl, you held scene hostage in Bitchelor, your wig reveal was lame and underwhelming. How did you in your wildest dreams expect to win? Not to mention the sheer audacity to shit on other bottom girls. Commendably her behaviour now is OK and she is actually cool with other girls, but that may be more of a PR move than her real feelings.

Shangela: Same as Bebe. Interesting performance, but nothing that outstanding. Still my top 3.

So, it’s been about a year since I wrote my first Bachelorette recap. OF COURSE, I watched Nick Vial’s season of the Bachelor, I even participated in two fantasy leagues; but alas I didn’t win either, so I will stick to making fun of these dummies rather than betting on them. I’m going to do my best to recap whenever I have time, but a lot has happened in a year and I’ve gone from full time student to full time writer, so no guarantees I’ll make the deadline every week. All that being said, LET’S BEGIN!

Monday night we were introduced to the 30 (45? 50?? I can’t count that high) dudes who will be vying for literal Disney princess Rachel Lindsay’s hand in marriage. And perhaps more importantly an invitation to Bachelor in Paradise, aka the opportunity of a lifetime to date Corinne. But I digress, this is still about Rachel…for the time being.

RECAP AND REINTRODUCTION TO RACHEL

Chris Harrison 

“Over the years we’ve seen a lot of bachelors and bachelorettes come and go, but never have we seen the outpouring of support that we have for Rachel.”

Very convoluted version of ‘We’ve never had a black bachelorette before.’ Congrats on your “progressiveness” ABC, it only took you 52 seasons.

Rachel 

“I seriously keep waiting for someone to say ‘Just Kidding.’”

OH! you mean like they did to Luke Pell???

 How have I never realized that Rachel is literally Elle Woods of Legally blonde?? 

Old Lady to Rachel

 “And don’t sleep with all of them.”

Excuse me ma’am but the #BachelorNation correct terminology would be ‘Don’t let all of them into your fantasy suite.’ JEEEEZE, there are children watching.

WE MEET THE GUYS

 Kenny, 35, Las Vegas NV, Professional Wrestler This guy dancing what I’m pretty sure is ‘JuJu on that Beat’ with his daughter to the dubbed over tune of royalty-free romantic Bachelorette music is actually pretty adorable.

Kenny

“I’ve been around a lot of rings, maybe the next ring that I touch will be the one I give to you Rachel.”

Yeah, either that or ringworm…

Jack Stone, 31, Dallas TX, Attorney Wait. Hold up. This guy gets a first AND last name??? What happened to the one letter abbreviation format like Ashleigh I. or Melody D.?! Full disclosure, I made that second one up but it still begs the question does this guy have two first names?? Is one of those first names Stone?? Will my question mark key ever get a break this season???? Stay tuned to find out.

Lucas, 30, Woodside CA, Whaboom AKA Whaboom. I already hate everything about this guy. We are not here for slapstick humor!! We are here to satirically mock our deep-seeded belief in love at first site. This dude is Johnny Bravo and  Peter Griffin rolled into one and I’m simply not having it. Plus I inherently mistrust anyone with a personal catchphrase. (A few exceptions stand #Whabalubadubdub)

Blake E., 31, Marina Del Rey CA, Aspiring Drummer GET SWOL BRO! This guy knows that girls have an algorithm that inversely applies how much you talk about your dick to perceived size, right?? TL;DR this guy talks about his dick too much to have a decently sized one. 

Diggy, 31, Chicago IL, Senior Inventory Analyst My mom once told me never date a guy who cares too much about what he looks like because he’ll worry too much about what you look like. But I might be willing to forgive Diggy on that front because, I mean, have you looked at him?!

Josiah, 28, Fort Lauderdale FL, Prosecuting Attorney Damn. Is anyone else kind of impressed how many lawyers ABC was able to pull out of the woodwork for Rachel? There might be some actually datable bachelors on this season… On the same note, this dude’s background is the closest thing to a legitimate Lifetime movie plot the show has ever found, which we all know is ABC’s golden goose. I’m now accepting over/under bets for if he becomes the next bachelor.

 MEETUP WITH RACHEL’S ‘SQUAD’

So I guess Sugar Bear Hair spokesman-ship isn’t as lucrative as we once thought… Literally everyone is back from Nick’s season to regurgitate Bachelor buzzwords, oh excuse me, I mean give advice to Rachel.

I’m sorry is Raven getting emotional or is she blazed out of her mind? She looks like me in high school when I’d come home late at night from a “bonfire” trying to have a conversation with my mom who was up late watching TV.

 THE GUYS MEET RACHEL

I know I’m not the first to say this, but holy hell Rachel is incredibly gorgeous. That. Dress. Is. Everything.

I watched this with my best friend Emily, and let me tell you, when Bryan came on neither of us could contain ourselves. I guarantee that he is the contestant that in three weeks all the other guys will be saying “he isn’t who he says he is.” But really, it’s because they’re jealous. Who could blame them? I have shivers just watching him, and by the looks of it so does Rachel.

Random dude whose name I won’t bother learning 

“She’s wicked hot, and smart too. You don’t really see that combo.”

I guess good-looking and respectful of women is equally rare? Guarantee this idiot will utter the phrase “you’re not like other girls” at some point during the season. 

 Jonathon thinks the best way to make a woman (WITH A LAW DEGREE!!!) laugh is to physically force her. To be clear gentlemen, when a woman says she wants ‘a man that makes her laugh’ she means with his words.

  COCKTAIL PARTY

Rachel

“Let’s hold up a glass and cheers to ‘No Regrets.’ Bottoms up!”

Whaboom:

I love how angry the contestants get whenever the first person grabs the bachelor/bachelorette. They always act like it’s an act of aggression, and the only reason that I can think of why they would feel that way is because they’re all so attractive they’re used to people coming up to them first. They can’t comprehend actually showing initiative. LOL

Direct quote from my bae Emily “If I went out on a first date and someone asked me ‘what does love mean to you’ I would pull out my pepper spray.” #MillenialDating #SwipeRightYall

I’m probably the only one, but this creepy doll shtick is the funniest thing the Bachelor/Bachelorette has ever done.

 Bryan gets the first impression rose, because what did I fucking tell you guys??? He’s so suave. He looks and acts like the charming prince from a Disney movie who turns out to be the villain halfway through. And everybody loves a bad boy.

ROSE CEREMONY AND PREDICTIONS

Bryan is the obvious choice to make it to the final three, if not the first few dates, and I stand by that. Whaboom will definitely stay longer than we all want him to, if anyone has deets on the contract he must have signed with the producers, hit me up. And of course Josiah has to stick around long enough for Rachel to get his full backstory and for us to get to see her reaction. Other than that, it’s anyone’s race.

Team Corn