#whaboom

ENTPs, generally, can be compatible with everyone! Some more than others, and ENTPs aren’t at the bottom at that list anyway. So with different stackings and mixings of us all in one type (cognitive functions give better predictor and description of a person anyway), of course ENTP x ENTP can work out! Which obvs, you know this. 

Here’s What Happened Monday

For those of you who don’t know, The Bachelor franchise does this cute little shtick called the Men Tell All where, in lieu of a real episode, they bring back all the season’s rejected contestants to rehash old grudges and remind people why they’re interesting before they all go on Bachelor In Paradise. Yawn.

Chris Harrison promises an unforgettable (but likely very forgettable) night of drama for which they considered beefing up security, but didn’t. To kick off said drama, we are treated with ten minutes of filler from past Men-Tell-All’s starring men I’ve never heard of nor cared about in my life.

After the commercial break we are reintroduced to Rachel’s former men again. There are a few new hairstyles (and hairplugs… Matt), but most things are the same. Diggy adjusts his bowtie, Whaboom guy does his thing, Blake is still sadly only an “aspiring” drummer, and Dean just sits there being young and beautiful.

DeMario, sad clown, guy accused of sexually assaulting a fellow castmate on Bachelor In Paradise, tries to regain his dignity by claiming that the girlfriend who got him eliminated from The Bachelorette was merely a sidechick. Classy. Some dude named Jamey accuses him of hurting oh so many people, a point lost while everyone thought, “who the hell is this guy?”

Kenny The Dad and Your Racist Uncle Lee

Of course we have to deal with the Lee/Kenny drama again, which we were all happy to leave in the past as this season’s major racism-for-kicks embarrassment. All the men take the side of good guy Kenny, except DeMario who defends his fellow villain.

After making Kenny out to be the best man and father ever (including a surprise appearance by his adorable daughter, who Kenny either knew was coming or was kidnapped and brought to set), Lee offers a shallow apology for being a douche. No one is having it though – not even Chris Harrison, who fans the flames by bringing up Lee’s old tweet comparing the NAACP to the KKK. Lee painstakingly acknowledges that his tweet (and maybe some of his behavior) was racist and apologizes. The other men accept and vow to try to rehabilitate his racist ass.

But seriously, the winners? Anthony, Josiah, Kenny, and all the guys who challenged systemic racism on national television. Slow clap.

Dean The Real Boy

Chris Harrison invites Dean onstage, strokes his velvet camo tux jacket, and mutters “everybody loves some Dean.” We get to watch the Dean highlight reel: the weird “once I go black I’ll never go back” line, the weird sandbox thing, the weird dad thing, his swift dumping. What a legacy.

Dean looks older to me, a little more comfortable in his skin, a little fuller in the face, a little stupider in the hair. He reveals that he’ll be on Bachelor In Paradise, which is great because he’ll finally be close in age to some of his fellow contestants. (Nick’s rejected 23-year-olds, I’m looking at you.)

Rachel comes out, Dean asks her why she told him she loved him before kicking him off, she says she did love him, he says “k”, they hug and then it’s blessedly over.

Lee Again, Seriously

Rachel says, “I’ve watched the tapes now so fuck you, Lee,” and then it’s blessedly over.

Adam, For Some Reason, So By Default Also Matt

Rachel tells America they didn’t get to see the good stuff with these two, but we still don’t care.

F*ckin FRED Oh My God What A Waste

Fred is still hurt (AS AM I) that Rachel couldn’t grow up and let him be the beautiful hunk of man that he is and was and always will be.

Bloopers

For me, this is easily the most interesting part of the show, for it gives us a tiny glimpse into the untouched world behind the scenes of The Bachelorette. Things break. People fall. Dean sticks a nasty wad of gum behind his ear for his confessional, full-on Violet Beauregarde style. Dead Eric looks even more corpsely as the fake light taped to the ceiling above him falls. It is all so eadearingly real, which all the more reminds us that it’s all so unsettlingly fake.

Next Week

Next week we finally get to see the finale. Will Rachel pick the sleaze, the noncommit, or the dead man?

The Roots reenact The Bachelorette's "Whaboom" guy!

So, it’s been about a year since I wrote my first Bachelorette recap. OF COURSE, I watched Nick Vial’s season of the Bachelor, I even participated in two fantasy leagues; but alas I didn’t win either, so I will stick to making fun of these dummies rather than betting on them. I’m going to do my best to recap whenever I have time, but a lot has happened in a year and I’ve gone from full time student to full time writer, so no guarantees I’ll make the deadline every week. All that being said, LET’S BEGIN!

Monday night we were introduced to the 30 (45? 50?? I can’t count that high) dudes who will be vying for literal Disney princess Rachel Lindsay’s hand in marriage. And perhaps more importantly an invitation to Bachelor in Paradise, aka the opportunity of a lifetime to date Corinne. But I digress, this is still about Rachel…for the time being.

RECAP AND REINTRODUCTION TO RACHEL

Chris Harrison 

“Over the years we’ve seen a lot of bachelors and bachelorettes come and go, but never have we seen the outpouring of support that we have for Rachel.”

Very convoluted version of ‘We’ve never had a black bachelorette before.’ Congrats on your “progressiveness” ABC, it only took you 52 seasons.

Rachel 

“I seriously keep waiting for someone to say ‘Just Kidding.’”

OH! you mean like they did to Luke Pell???

 How have I never realized that Rachel is literally Elle Woods of Legally blonde?? 

Old Lady to Rachel

 “And don’t sleep with all of them.”

Excuse me ma’am but the #BachelorNation correct terminology would be ‘Don’t let all of them into your fantasy suite.’ JEEEEZE, there are children watching.

WE MEET THE GUYS

 Kenny, 35, Las Vegas NV, Professional Wrestler This guy dancing what I’m pretty sure is ‘JuJu on that Beat’ with his daughter to the dubbed over tune of royalty-free romantic Bachelorette music is actually pretty adorable.

Kenny

“I’ve been around a lot of rings, maybe the next ring that I touch will be the one I give to you Rachel.”

Yeah, either that or ringworm…

Jack Stone, 31, Dallas TX, Attorney Wait. Hold up. This guy gets a first AND last name??? What happened to the one letter abbreviation format like Ashleigh I. or Melody D.?! Full disclosure, I made that second one up but it still begs the question does this guy have two first names?? Is one of those first names Stone?? Will my question mark key ever get a break this season???? Stay tuned to find out.

Lucas, 30, Woodside CA, Whaboom AKA Whaboom. I already hate everything about this guy. We are not here for slapstick humor!! We are here to satirically mock our deep-seeded belief in love at first site. This dude is Johnny Bravo and  Peter Griffin rolled into one and I’m simply not having it. Plus I inherently mistrust anyone with a personal catchphrase. (A few exceptions stand #Whabalubadubdub)

Blake E., 31, Marina Del Rey CA, Aspiring Drummer GET SWOL BRO! This guy knows that girls have an algorithm that inversely applies how much you talk about your dick to perceived size, right?? TL;DR this guy talks about his dick too much to have a decently sized one. 

Diggy, 31, Chicago IL, Senior Inventory Analyst My mom once told me never date a guy who cares too much about what he looks like because he’ll worry too much about what you look like. But I might be willing to forgive Diggy on that front because, I mean, have you looked at him?!

Josiah, 28, Fort Lauderdale FL, Prosecuting Attorney Damn. Is anyone else kind of impressed how many lawyers ABC was able to pull out of the woodwork for Rachel? There might be some actually datable bachelors on this season… On the same note, this dude’s background is the closest thing to a legitimate Lifetime movie plot the show has ever found, which we all know is ABC’s golden goose. I’m now accepting over/under bets for if he becomes the next bachelor.

 MEETUP WITH RACHEL’S ‘SQUAD’

So I guess Sugar Bear Hair spokesman-ship isn’t as lucrative as we once thought… Literally everyone is back from Nick’s season to regurgitate Bachelor buzzwords, oh excuse me, I mean give advice to Rachel.

I’m sorry is Raven getting emotional or is she blazed out of her mind? She looks like me in high school when I’d come home late at night from a “bonfire” trying to have a conversation with my mom who was up late watching TV.

 THE GUYS MEET RACHEL

I know I’m not the first to say this, but holy hell Rachel is incredibly gorgeous. That. Dress. Is. Everything.

I watched this with my best friend Emily, and let me tell you, when Bryan came on neither of us could contain ourselves. I guarantee that he is the contestant that in three weeks all the other guys will be saying “he isn’t who he says he is.” But really, it’s because they’re jealous. Who could blame them? I have shivers just watching him, and by the looks of it so does Rachel.

Random dude whose name I won’t bother learning 

“She’s wicked hot, and smart too. You don’t really see that combo.”

I guess good-looking and respectful of women is equally rare? Guarantee this idiot will utter the phrase “you’re not like other girls” at some point during the season. 

 Jonathon thinks the best way to make a woman (WITH A LAW DEGREE!!!) laugh is to physically force her. To be clear gentlemen, when a woman says she wants ‘a man that makes her laugh’ she means with his words.

  COCKTAIL PARTY

Rachel

“Let’s hold up a glass and cheers to ‘No Regrets.’ Bottoms up!”

Whaboom:

I love how angry the contestants get whenever the first person grabs the bachelor/bachelorette. They always act like it’s an act of aggression, and the only reason that I can think of why they would feel that way is because they’re all so attractive they’re used to people coming up to them first. They can’t comprehend actually showing initiative. LOL

Direct quote from my bae Emily “If I went out on a first date and someone asked me ‘what does love mean to you’ I would pull out my pepper spray.” #MillenialDating #SwipeRightYall

I’m probably the only one, but this creepy doll shtick is the funniest thing the Bachelor/Bachelorette has ever done.

 Bryan gets the first impression rose, because what did I fucking tell you guys??? He’s so suave. He looks and acts like the charming prince from a Disney movie who turns out to be the villain halfway through. And everybody loves a bad boy.

ROSE CEREMONY AND PREDICTIONS

Bryan is the obvious choice to make it to the final three, if not the first few dates, and I stand by that. Whaboom will definitely stay longer than we all want him to, if anyone has deets on the contract he must have signed with the producers, hit me up. And of course Josiah has to stick around long enough for Rachel to get his full backstory and for us to get to see her reaction. Other than that, it’s anyone’s race.