forgive me
pairing: matt murdock x fem!reader
summary: after facing a hidden truth he'd been denying, matt's ready to be honest with her, and himself.
warnings: swearing, angst, explicit sexual content (minors dni)
word count: 4k
a/n: ever since born again dropped, i've been yearning to write a matty shower scene, so yeah this is purely self indulgent and no I won't be apologizing. as always, feedback is welcomed/appreciated!
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Matt knew he had to talk to her. He’d been putting it off for three days now. He knew he had to address what happened between them if he wanted any kind of shot at her not telling Fury to kick him off the case. It had only taken one night of him trying to go back to getting leads on his own to come face to face with the glaring reminder that he was in over his head. Matt couldn’t do this alone.
He’d swallowed his pride and admitted that to Foggy, but now it was time to confess that to her.
He also knew that he owed her an explanation on why he’d disappeared without a word, and why he’d been radio silent since. Over the past three days, he’d been forced to confront feelings that he’d been shoving down and ignoring since the day he met her, either consciously or subconsciously. He was still wrestling with what the true answer was.
It was a little past eight when he showed up at her apartment, and he’d been rehearsing in his head what he was going to say on the walk over. He knew she was inside. He stood on the fire escape outside her living room window for a moment, focusing all of his senses on her. She was lounging on the couch in a relaxed position, her back against the arm on the right side, her legs stretched out but crossed at the ankle, right over left. Her eyes were focused on the tv as she lifted a chilled spoon to her mouth. Her left hand that was holding a frosted pint was several degrees colder than the rest of her body, despite the napkin wrapped around the bottom. She’d just taken the ice cream out of the freezer.
He inhaled deeply, and he could almost taste the flavor on his own tongue. Smooth heavy cream…egg yolks…cane sugar…rich cocoa butter based dark chocolate chips…pure peppermint extract. Mint chocolate chip. He wasn’t sure what he found more amusing; the fact that she was doing something so mundane and normal, or her choice in ice cream flavors. She’d definitely splurged on the pint. That wasn’t the cheap stuff.
Matt had expected the window to be locked after how he’d slipped in the other night, and slipped out, but to his surprise it wasn’t. She didn’t seem like the type to let something like that escape her mind, she wasn’t forgetful about anything. A tiny piece of him held onto hope that she’d left it unlocked intentionally, that it was a sign she hadn’t fully shut him out, literally and metaphorically speaking.
His fingers brushed against the bottom of the window frame as he went to pull it up, silently slipping inside and closing the window behind him just as quietly. He went to take a step forward, but when she suddenly spoke he instantly froze.
“You seem a decent fellow. I hate to kill you.”
For a second he thought she was talking to him, that she’d heard him sneaking inside. But then he heard the score from the movie she was watching and realized she was quoting a line from it. His brows furrowed in confusion for a moment before he placed it, and then his amusement mounted even further. Cocking his head to the side, the smirk on his lips was mirrored in his tone as he recited the next line.
“You seem a decent fellow. I hate to die.”
Immediately she sat up and whipped her head around, the spoon in her hand suspended in the air halfway to her lips. At the sight of him, it was like a switch had been flipped, and whatever good mood she’d been in soured instantaneously. She stabbed the spoon back into the pint before reaching for the remote to pause the film.
“The Princess Bride is certainly the last movie I’d ever expect to find you watching.”
“Surprised you know it.”
“It’s one of Foggy's favorite movies.”
He’d expected her to respond with something snarky, but instead he was met with silence that left him feeling a little unsettled. Her refusal to participate in their usual verbal sparring was jarring. The relaxation that had been emanating from her, the closest thing to peace he’d ever recognized in her presence, had seemingly frosted over. He felt the bitter chill of her avoidance as she got up from the couch and walked right past him into the kitchen.
Matt stood there for a moment, letting out a heavy sigh, defeat settling in his bones. He gave her a moment while he took in the space he’d been just a few nights ago in a completely different setting. There was virtually no evidence of the wreck they’d made of her apartment in the midst of their surrender to their shared fervent desire, only the memory that still thrummed in his pulse when he let it replay in his head.
Clearing his throat, he finally followed her into the kitchen and leaned against the counter opposite the sink she was standing in front of, crossing his arms over his chest. There was no beating around the bush with her, there never had been. He’d shown enough cowardice the last three days at her expense, it was time to atone.
“I didn’t know what to say.”
“And in the silence, you said plenty.”
“I didn’t realize you were a poet.”
Nothing. No reaction. No sharp retort. No subtle smirk tugging at the edge of her mouth or wrinkle of annoyance between her brows. No exasperated roll of her eyes. Not even a falter in her heart’s rhythm or breathing pattern.
It became clear in that moment how badly he’d fucked up. While he’d been selfishly trying to detangle his own complicated feelings, he’d purposely contrived ignorance regarding her own. He told himself it wouldn’t bother her that he’d slipped out without a word, because nothing bothered her. And even as he thought it he knew he was a fucking liar, and the guilt had been gnawing at him down to the marrow.
“Y/N.”
The way he said her name made her tense at the sink, gripping the spoon in her hand more tightly until the metal bit into her palm and nearly bent at the force of her frustration. It had been virtually cleaned from the moment she put it under the warm water a minute ago, but she’d still been scrubbing it as if the action would wash away the tension that had coiled tightly within her like a snake strangling its prey. But that subtle plea in his voice interrupted her carefully practiced indifference, and he’d learned to take advantage of these ephemeral cracks in her defenses.
He took a careful step forward, his arms dropping to his sides, fingers twitching against his callused palms.
“I shouldn’t have-”
Abruptly she shut off the water and tossed the spoon into the empty sink, the clatter of metal against metal making him wince as the sound rattled in his sensitive eardrum.
“If you’re here just to make sure Fury won’t bench you, you’re wasting your time. You’ve proven yourself to be valuable to him. He won’t exile you at anyone’s request, not even yours.”
The thinly veiled bitterness in her tone led him to believe she might have already asked Fury to cut him loose and he'd said no, and that bothered him more than he liked to admit. It should have been a weight off his shoulders that he was still involved with the investigation, but if anything, it just seemed to add more. While trying to compartmentalize everything, the lie he’d sold himself was that his sole purpose for coming to talk to her tonight was to make amends in order to remain on the case, because the truth was harder to confront.
He’d kept her at arms length because he felt something, something he didn’t want to feel because it was too familiar. It made an old scar throb with tenderness, and the memory of who had inflicted it served as a warning to not face the same blade twice. But he couldn’t keep ignoring it, not after the other night.
She reminded him of Elektra. From the moment he met her, he’d felt that almost identical click. Two reluctant pieces with connective jagged edges. She understood him the same way Elektra had, maybe even more. The only difference was she hadn’t sought him out under a ruse for recruitment. She’d been upfront from the beginning while simultaneously remaining coveted, and he’d justified his distrust with the existence of the secrets she kept, but the truth was he couldn’t grant her the faith he’d freely given Elektra. He didn’t want to repeat that mistake.
But after the other night, after what he’d felt when he finally gave into the inexorable magnetism, he had to return the honesty he’d demanded from her. And that scared him.
He let out a deep exhale through his nose when she brushed past him, and he quickly turned on his heel to follow her down the familiar path through the hallway to her bedroom.
“That’s not-look, can we just talk for a second?”
“No.”
As she disappeared into her bathroom and he heard the shower door open, Matt stood in the middle of her bedroom and clenched his jaw, rubbing his hands down his face as he tried to contain his mounting frustration. He’d fucked up, he’d earned this, and he had to deal with it. She was pissed at him, and she had every right to be, but he needed her to talk to him. To hear him out. The sound of the shower being turned on was a not so subtle dismissal, but Matt refused to leave. Not without finally confessing.
There had been annoyance laced within her bitter tone, but evidence of emotion meant she hadn't fully shut down on him. Her guard was up, but he'd learned how to poke holes in it. How to get her attention and get a rise out of her. It was playing dirty, but he knew it would work, and he didn’t have the patience right now for the silent treatment.
He walked towards the bathroom door and blocked the frame, leaning casually against it as he crossed his arms over his chest.
“You’re being difficult.”
Her head snapped in his direction and he could sense her demeanor shifting quickly from aloof to aggravated.
“Excuse me?”
Matt gave a subtle shrug as he maintained his calm countenance.
“I said you’re being difficult.”
Something he’d observed about her was that she hated being called that. She did her best to remain neutral when anyone threw a snide comment or insult her way, but he knew that one specifically hit a raw nerve every single time.
And just like he’d hoped, it conjured a reaction. A dry scoff left her lips as she dropped the towel she’d pulled out of the cabinet onto the counter and stormed over towards him.
“I’m being difficult? You have a lot of fucking nerve to just show up here after three days-”
Matt’s lips stretched into a devilish grin when her composure cracked and her anger was unleashed. Anger was good. He knew how to work with that. He was pissing her off more and more by the second, but pissed off beat indifference.
“What the fuck are you smiling at?”
“There she is.”
She blinked a few times, confusion muddling her vexation at the almost flirty lilt to his tease, and then her lips pursed in annoyance when she realized how he’d played her. Matt held up his hands in mock surrender, looking extremely unapologetic even though he attempted for a pardon.
“I’m sorry, that was cheating. But I can’t talk to you if you’re ignoring me.”
“You ignored me for three days, and you can’t handle it for less than ten minutes?”
“No.”
He could tell that he’d surprised her by the way her expression shifted, and he knew the scales had shifted in his favor. He liked being the one to throw her off, it sent a thrill through him every single time. And he knew what he was about to do, what he was about to avow, would completely crumble the wall between them they’d both contributed to.
Matt uncrossed his arms and stepped forward, which made her take a step back, but he kept advancing until her lower back hit the counter.
“I don’t like when you’re upset with me.”
“Then quit being an asshole.”
She was trying to keep up the unaffected facade, but he could hear her heart starting to beat faster, her lungs pumping more oxygen. The steam that had filled the bathroom had risen her body temperature, but the warmth flushing across her cheeks was from an entirely different source.
“You know I can’t promise that, sweetheart.”
Matt reached out to place his hands on either side of her, caging her in as he leaned down and spoke in a more gentle tone.
“But I am trying to apologize here. You gonna let me?”
The soft breath she let out when he brushed his nose along the underside of her jaw made him grip the countertop tightly. He let his lips ghost along her neck before pressing a gentle kiss beneath her ear.
“I’m sorry.”
He poured as much conviction into those two words as he could, but he didn’t just want to tell her, he wanted to show her. Letting go of the countertop, he grabbed one of her hands and brought it up to his chest, placing it over his heart and holding it there, his thumb stroking her knuckles gently.
“I shouldn’t have slipped out like that. I didn’t know what to say. I didn’t know…what to feel. I was a coward, and you didn’t deserve that.”
Her lashes fluttered as she closed her eyes, and she let out a breath that wavered before braving the question she’d been recycling in her head but dreading the answer to.
“Do you regret it?”
The softness in her tone made his chest tighten. He was on the cusp of unlocking a new side of her, he could feel it. This is what he’d been wanting. This moment right here, both of them stripped raw, souls laid bare.
“No. Do you?”
“No.”
When he felt her fingers curl in his shirt in a firm grip, Matt reached out to cup her face in his hands, pressing his forehead against hers.
“Forgive me.”
One of Matt's hands slipped down to wrap around her throat as he gently kissed down her neck, nipping at her skin gently, brushing his tongue over her pulse point in an open mouthed kiss that made her shudder. The second the delectable scent of her arousal hit him, Matt pressed himself against her more firmly and let out a desperate groan into her shoulder.
“Please.”
It was unclear whether he was begging for forgiveness or permission to touch her, but when she pulled him down by the collar of his shirt and sought out his lips, he took it as an answer to both. The bathroom floor quickly became decorated with their clothing. Matt had one of his arms wrapped around her waist, holding her firmly to his chest, while the other was tangled in her hair as he walked her backwards towards the shower.
The spray of the hot water soaked them both within seconds, but Matt’s grip on her body never slipped. He reached down to grip the back of her thighs, and her legs automatically wove around his waist when he lifted her and pinned her against the wall. The tile was cold against her back, making her shudder against his lips. He felt her start to roll her hips to grind against him, and his forehead dropped to her shoulder as he let out a groan feeling his aching cock gliding through her slick warmth.
She wrapped her arms around his shoulders, gripping onto the back of his neck, already panting in his ear. Matt shifted his hips to align himself with hers, and they let out a moan of relief in unison the moment they became connected. When her head fell back against the wall, Matt’s lips sought out her neck again, and began to move his hips slowly. He didn’t want to rush this time.
He grunted when her nails dug into his back, his own fingers digging bluntly into her skin in response. He nuzzled his nose against her neck, kissing along her jaw before finding her lips again, which parted eagerly for his tongue. She matched his rhythm, following him like the tide follows the moon, and when she let out a sensual moan at a particular angle, Matt gripped onto her even tighter and shifted her hips upwards to keep hitting it.
“Right there?”
“Right there.”
Matt pressed his hips more firmly against hers, grinding a little harder against her so his pelvis stimulated her clit in the way that made her eyes flutter with every single thrust. The moans it pulled from her only made him even more desperate to pleasure her.
“Oh my God, Matt…”
“I know…I know.”
He was panting in her ear as he picked up speed, feeling it too at the base of his spine. Their slick skin colliding echoed in the shower, the sharpness of the sound barely dulled by the water. He buried his face in her neck, forcing himself to maintain his current rhythm feeling her start to tighten around him. They clung to each other desperately, and Matt willed himself to hold back until she reached her peak first.
When her back arched and she started to writhe against him, Matt fucked her through it to prolong it as long as he could stand, and then he snapped, his rhythm faltering into pistoning his hips relentlessly, letting out a guttural groan into her shoulder as his hips stuttered with one final sharp thrust.
In the sanctuary of her bed, Matt finally told her the truth. About why he hadn’t trusted her. About why he’d been struggling with how he felt. About who she reminded him of. She listened quietly, patiently, and Matt was surprised by how weightless he felt afterwards. There were a few moments of silence that followed, but they weren’t uncomfortable. A few times, he heard her lips part, heard an intake of breath, but she stayed quiet. He could tell there was something she wanted to say, but maybe didn’t know how. He didn’t push her.
“It’s not personal. Me keeping things from you.”
Matt considered this for a moment, his fingers stroking up and down her spine, like he’d done the morning he’d woken up tangled in these same sheets.
“Then what is it?”
A soft exhale slipped past her lips, and he heard her close her eyes.
“Part of it is my job.”
“And the other part?”
“You’re not the only one with trust issues.”
In the dark Matt smiled, giving her waist a soft squeeze.
“I noticed.”
He felt her roll her eyes, and the smile that reluctantly tugged at the edge of her mouth before disappearing into something more serious.
“There’s just…some things about me that are difficult to explain.”
He could hear the hesitance in her voice, and a hint of anxiety. Something struck him in that moment that he never would’ve considered before, but the evidence was in her voice. She cared what he thought of her. She was nervous that if she divulged her past, something in it would change his opinion. It was a shocking unspoken revelation, but also made something inside him ache.
Her words from the other night about how she’d picked out her dress for him echoed in his head.
I wanted you to like it.
She wanted him to like her. How the hell had he not picked up on that?
He held her a little tighter against his chest, pressing a soft kiss to her forehead.
“My past isn’t sunshine and rainbows either, you know. You’re talking to a guy who puts on a devil costume and, ‘beats the shit out of people’, I believe you called it.”
He thought she’d laugh at that, but she closed her eyes and spoke in a tone that was almost…somber.
“You’re still a good person though.”
Matt’s brows furrowed in confusion, and he tilted his head in her direction.
“And you think you’re not?”
“No.”
The conviction in her voice and the way she said it without hesitance made his heart break. It reminded him of the conversation she’d had with the other S.H.I.E.L.D. agent when she’d said she didn’t mind being the bad guy. Self-loathing was something Matt was all too familiar with, but he was starting to realize her perception of herself was even lower than his own. And he felt guilty, because he knew he’d contributed to that in the last few months.
“You care.”
He pressed another soft kiss to her temple as he kept his voice gentle.
“If you weren’t a good person, you wouldn’t care. You wouldn’t be fighting so hard to save those women.”
“Maybe it’s guilt.”
He hadn’t considered the fact that she may feel like she wasn’t doing enough, and that it would result in remorse.
“You’re gonna lecture a Catholic about guilt?”
When she cracked a smile finally, Matt grinned and let out a chuckle. He gave her waist another reassuring squeeze.
“I don’t think anyone could be doing anything more than you already are. We’re gonna figure this out together, I promise.”
He felt her unclench her jaw and relax her shoulders, the tension melting as she relaxed into him again. Her fingers absentmindedly toyed with the cross he wore around his neck.
“We got a lead on a location.”
Matt perked up at his, already feeling that restless anticipation starting to seep into his veins.
“Yeah?”
She untangled herself from him for a moment to reach over and grab her phone off the nightstand.
“We tracked down the most recent property sold by Tarasov’s company. It was bought through one of the Yazkua’s shell corps a few days ago. Fury wants to send a team tomorrow night.”
“I’ll clear my schedule.”
As she texted the address to him, the voice assistance on his phone alerted him to the message. His phone was in the pocket of his pants, still lying discarded on the bathroom floor, but he felt her still in bed next to him as the muffled sound from the other room cut through the silence.
Incoming message from Spy 3-PO
He felt her slowly turn her head towards him, and he fought to contain his grin. She narrowed her eyes as she observed the expression she could just make out from the glow of the streetlights through the window. Setting her phone on the nightstand, she turned to face him fully, her tone dry as she arched one of her brows.
“Spy 3-PO?”
Matt shrugged innocently as he finally let his grin split across his lips.
“Seemed fitting.”
“Did it now.”
“You were quite robotic when I met you. Although, now that I think about it, C-3PO shows way more emotion than you do-”
When she reached out and smacked his chest, Matt burst into laughter and grabbed her wrist before she could pull her hand away.
“Ow! Abusing a blind man? Maybe you really are a terrible person.”
“Well look who’s talking, little orphan Annie.”
“I don’t have a dog.”
“You have Foggy.”
Matt let out another amused laugh, reaching over to wrap his arm around her waist to flip them over, pinning her beneath him as he settled between her hips.
“Fair enough.”
tags: @the-swift-escape @lambmurdock @lunakkey @Lfdybadgirlsdiw @devilmurdock64 @moonyinthestars @suits-and-smirks @day-dreaming-goddess @natashasotherhalf @rebel13lion39 @pixelfaery @ebsmind @mattmurdocksscars @ahhhhhhhydbhdg @ayupcap @thepassionatereader @awenthealchemist @zomtart @superrbffun @buckypops @snicksbabe @redroomproperty @angel113431 @18raven @a-sunflower-in-bloom @shadypaperwitch @lizziela @givemylovetoall @dreadfulxives18 @jjprxntiss @bigratbitchsworld @s1xthirty @daisy-the-quake @raven18 @hipwell @scorpiovelaryon @yiiiikesmish @mel-thefrog @ponyosmom35 @daisydark @xoxabs88xox @punkshyteee @abbyhaslongshorts @wolvierinee @snowflames-world @yomnajir @fries11 @groovycass
the devil and the widow soundtrack
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