pictures from pinterest → one, two and three ♡
It always feels a little bit uneasy, when we try to untie ourselves from what used to be, the things that remained behind so sickeningly and abruptly, not caring for whether we were ready or not... Leaving us with a constant feeling that there is something more... There has to be. Because we want it. We want something that can justify all of this. And be our answer. The one of which the absence keeps us awake at night so many years later... So we dig, we look for something in our memories, in those faded moments. And yet when we finally start to feel them, touch them... We pull back. Not wanting anymore that confrontation. Not ready, not so courageous anymore, to know the truth and accept it. But now... Now, this moment, is different. You're calm. You're sure. You want it. And so does the past. It does want to give you those answers, finally.
So what is the past is trying to tell you, what's its last message for you? What you need to hear and know, one and true last time, before letting go and closing that chapter that stayed with you for a little too much time?
Slow down. Take a deep breath. Allow the memories to come back briefly. And follow them to that one picture, one pile, that they are calling you through now, whispering.
p.s. The procrastination really hit me these days, I thought that this reading would never be ready! But I'm actually so proud of it, I think it might be one of my longest ones. And I definitely want to do more of them... BUT I also want more to know which pile is calling you now and if the message resonated with what you are going through now :3
(the tower, the justice and the king of coins)
It still feels unexpected for you. No matter how many times you think about it, return to those days, to those moments... It still feels like it came out of nowhere.
It happened, shacked your whole world, crushed every detail of it, and went away, leaving you alone and surrounded by the pieces of something that you so deeply cherished.
But even though the only thing remaining to do was to grieve, to try to heal from it... It wasn't so easy, now when every piece had something attached to it. A doubt. A question. A possible clue even. Was that phrase a little too much? The tone was too harsh or too uncertain? Was that action wrong, too rushed? Or where you supposed to have more patience?
You just can't let it go. That moment. That last time you held that something... Without knowing that you should've paid more attention to it, to what was happening.
But, what if, that last moment wasn't so important as you make it be, when looking through your memories, the ones influenced so heavily with surprise, confusion and fear that overwhelmed you in that instant? What if the answers are not there, they weren't staying silently in a corner, observing you as you were missing them? What if, instead, the reasons behind all of this were present much sooner, following you through your earlier steps, disguised, and never noticed by you that truly were convinced that all of this was the right decision?
Because, the thing is... Perhaps your faults don't lie in that ending, in that failure. But they do lie in all the things that you've accepted, surrendered to, as you were creating this situation, achieving this something. So sure that reaching this goal is what truly matters, and not the how, not the little ways in which you failed yourself, without noticing, every single time you chose this dream, and the ones involved in it, over your own self.
Because you did it. Even if now it is a little bit difficult to recall them. But they did happen, didn't they? The moments in which you were uncomfortable, but still allowed someone to do it. When you were unsure but did things anyway, trusting the convincing words of others. Or when you were tired, but still got up, tried your best, as your mind whispered and questioned why you are doing it, why others can't be the ones to sacrifice themselves for once, instead?They were so little, so insignificant, tiny moments that flew by after some deep breaths, or once your mind was too tired to think about it, or got distracted. But they were so so many. At almost every step you did, too focused on the end goal to notice that you are getting a little bit too uncomfortable.
And, although one could expect this tiredness to catch up, the frustration grow and make you give up... What happened with you was different. You got used to it. And so the ones around you, the ones involved in this. The ones that just got used to ask more and more of you, thinking less with each day about how their actions and ways are making you feel. Because you would eventually accept it, get over it... Until there wasn't anything else or more that they could do to you, take away from you - you were too open, too compliant. And they too greedy. To the point of starting to crave a different victim, once you became too docile and boring for them.
They made a decision. They left. Or kicked you off the path that you worked so hard on. They pushed you back and left you there, confused, without knowing what happened truly... And you just stayed there. You are still there, in that moment. Not realising that nothing really ended. Because it never started in the first place - that dream of yours never became real, this was all just a cruel parody of it that confused you, deceived you, let you wander too far away from where you really wanted and should've been.
And it does hurt as hell. Still. So vividly. But as cliché as it sounds, it is already in the past and you are free now. Even if you didn't knew that you were supposed to run away, to fight for yourself... In their meanness and egocentrism they did it for you, they freed you. And now you have the right and the chance to start doing it sooner. To prioritize yourself, to protect yourself, to fight for what you really want to feel and do, without accepting anything else... You can do it now with every your step on your new journeys, from the beginning, making sure that nothing ever will trick and deceive you, nothing else will touch you.
And perhaps, the way it happened was the best one for you. Because at the end of the day you do care too much. For others, for how things are handled, how stories begin and end... If you noticed before, if you knew before, you would've tried to save it. Perhaps giving even more of yourself to them, just in hopes of making things right again, making them be how they were supposed to be in the first place.
Now you know better. You know through the outcome of this situation, and the possibility to look back at it and see everything that you didn't notice when you were there, too overwhelmed, too tired, too little.
Now it won't happen again. Because you have yourself. You have the bond that was created between you, your heart and mind, thanks to this tragedy of a situation - they are on your side now, they won't deceive you, they won't hide, they won't merely whisper. They will scream and kick as soon as something will try to touch you.
And you might think that this is wrong, too much, that it is only some sort of trauma because of what happened... But it is you. It's the lessons you finally learned and understood, within, even if it's still difficult to give them form and word them correctly.
Even if what happened still stings and burns... That dream of yours, that one thing that moved you through it all, the one that gave you strength, and patience, and hope... It's still here somewhere. Your mind still returns to that little thought... Were you not able to achieve it because it was not yours to own... Or because of what happened, the people, the things, the circumstances?
A little part of you is still attached to it, no matter how much time has passed. It still feels like, if only you knew for certain that it would work, you would do it without a second thought... But then again, these too are just feelings of a soul that never got to experience it, and for this reason wonders, again and again, about what could've been...
Because you yourself are already different. You did change, because of that situation, that ''failure'' and the others that followed. And your dreams, the things you desire the most... Have changed too. Even if it doesn't seem like it at the first glance - their title remained the same, it's the way you want to achieve them and the details about them that changed, because of what you've got through, of what you know you don't want too feel again nor need to.
So, simply, that goal of yours and of the past cannot be reached anymore. Not because you can't get there, or because the only real chance was that one... It's more because of you, that deep down, don't really want that specifically anymore. You are craving something else, something similar but so different at its core. Something that reflects the you of now more, something that will be crafted by you, in your own way, on your own.
It is possible, and at the same time not. It is that goal, that dream, but with a different path to it that you will find, if you will ever decide that you are ready to try it all again.
Because, the thing is, you are letting go of the past, you are accepting it. You are overcoming it, and learning from it - thanks to that situation you will never make the same mistakes, nor anyone will ever be able to trap you in that same way. But still... One needs courage, to try to do it once again. Courage and faith that it could be different, which is not something that the past could give you, not even if you heal completely. These ones, these feelings and their strength, is something that could be cultivated only in the now, with your own hands.
And if one day you will really choose it, this dream again, and give yourself and it another chance... It won't be so easy, it's true, it won't be too calm. But, at least, the chaos won't be created by others, by their games, their dirty motives. It will only be... Some little doubts in you, some uncertainty about your decisions. The very things that do give you hard time at first, but then fade away with every step made and every victory.
If I'd to tell you if this is something that you should do, something that you should open your heart again to... The answer is yes, if the way the things went in the past never were strong enough to erase your desire and excitement for this thing. If there is still passion, if your hands are still itching, if the only reason why you never did it again was just because of the past and not because it doesn't speak to you... Then there is a reason to it. It is connected to you. Deeply. It is something that is yours and what happened, at least, showed you how it's best not to go about it.
You can do it again, whenever you want. Whenever you decide that that's it, you will create a new beginning. And you don't even need to be too sure about it. Because it will start to feel right as soon as you will come back to those things that always moved you. And it will be natural. It will be safe. Because this time it will depend more on you, you will have the control on things, in the most positive way.♡
(the page of wands, the nine of wands and the king of cups)
Was it really a failure, or a conscious choice? Was it you, not being good enough once again, or you deciding that you are worthy of more?.. Because right now, when your mind wanders back again to those moments, to those times... The line seems so blurred, difficult to grasp. And it's so confusing for the you of now, that looked back desperately for guidance, for reassurance, before stepping once again in a brand new beginning in your life.
It is so funny, (if one is able to detach somehow from the anxiety and doubt overwhelming you in this moment) how something seems so tempting, how every thought about it is so convincing, and then vanishes as soon as you need to actually do it, to go for it.
Because it is nothing new, this thought of yours. This idea, this choice. The one of changing things, of shaking them. Letting all that is suffocating you fall off, or contrary, try to fit a new version of your life... It was in your sight for already some time, these aren't the first wanders of yours about it. There were already so many of them, of those questions and contemplations, of those daydreams of how things could be - that it doesn't feel anymore so strange, so impossible to live it. To have that something new, something finally different.
But, as you are realising now, there is a difference between being familiar to it and actually feeling safe to do it, feeling fully convinced. Although so different on paper, so new, so unique... There is something about this beginning, the circumstances, the steps and courage it needs, that painfully reminded you of something else. Of a time and place where you already made a similar choice, tried your best, and yet failed...
It was unexpected, sudden, but those memories did come back to you. Menacing you of having hidden in them the answers to the questions of this situation too. What if you are only confusing yourself? What if, instead of really needing a change, you are simply running away from responsibilities or hard work that needs to be done to make this situation work? What if you can and will find satisfaction and enough where you are now? What if you don't even really deserve this new chance, to succeed in it, after all the times that you didn't have the strength nor patience to continue a journey as soon as it gave you a hard time?
It is becoming a little too loud in your mind, these days. The thoughts are too many. The questions interrupt themselves, hiding the answers between them... It is taking all your attention, it is calling you back inside your mind and forcing you to stay in it, until you clear everything up, until you manage to calm it... So you are slowing down. You are putting aside this idea and chance, this new beginning, convinced that you are preparing for it, and not realising that you are only shielding yourself from it. From its potential to be a failure, a victory... Anything, really.
But... What if rather than being a path that is already made, with all the little steps signed and obstacles removed... It is a path that one can, or is supposed to even, make on their own, one step at a time. Not in a somehow scary and pressuring way - but in the one of not having actually a specific program to follow, a checklist to fullfill in preparation? What if, in its own way, it is truly so different, so new, that there aren't any previous experiences that could guide you?
And, also, what if this is the real example of how a new chance, a new path, should be? What if the other one, that memory of yours and the changes you lived back then, wasn't such a new beginning, but rather a realisation, an escape even, from something that didn't fullfill you anymore, not even a tiny bit?
What if it only feels awfully familiar? But in fact, they are two different situations, circumstances, reasons. And the only thing that they have in common is the first step that is waiting for you to do it, and that has the potential to change everything? What if their outcomes are different. And, perhaps, the things that you are fearing of repeating considering them all mistakes that led you to your failure... Are only the needed and precious ones to make this journey to be safer and lead you to your goal successfully?
The thing is... We do tend to generalise, when we are anxious, when we are doubtful. We do connect the different situations and decisions, just because they overwhelm us with the same feeling, give us, at first sight, the promise of a similar future... But in reality, there are many more details to every circumstance, to every ending and beginning. It's just that... so much time has passed, after this one situation that marked you so deeply, that you remember mostly only the bigger picture. The one a little blurred now, after all this time, enough to be disguised as similar to this one.
But it is different. This situation is. No matter how many things that are the same that you could find in your moments of overthinking. The people, the timing, the goals, the motives, the ways, the actions - they are not the same, you are. And that's it. That's all the truth about it.
It feels the same, and scary, and already put to fail, just because you are the one living it. This situation and the other. It feels familiar because you simply remember it.
But that situation is already far away, you were the one to escape it actually. You were the one to see and feel that it wasn't right for you. While for this one... You are deciding that it could be something good, and worthy, and that you truly want, aren't you?
The moment you keep on putting next to this one to compare was just an ending. This is a beginning. And it isn't fair, is it? To compare the you that finished something, got through something, and the one that didn't even started their journey in the meantime.
You are ready. You've got this. This is your decision, your change, your beginning. You don't need to have any other opinion, not even of the past version of you that, frankly, wouldn't ever even think that you could be capable of something so new and different.
So don't rely on them. Don't ask them for reassurance or advice now. Because in one way or another, but you did change after all this time, and that version of you is not the same person that you are now. You know more, you feel more, you do much more than what they ever could. You are already the courageous and wise one because you brought yourself up to this point, not them, that survived that battle yes, but also remained in that past, close to that memory, to guard it.
This is your beginning. Only yours. So trust yourself on this. Yes, once again. Yes, one more time. And how many more it will needs do be done.
Because you know... All those doubts and fears, and moments spent overthinking, are indeed so useless... Because this journey will be so different.
In your every heavy thought about it, in the every situation that you are trying to visualise before experiencing it, in hopes of being more prepared for it... You are always alone, aren't you? Just you, against it, against them, against the world around you. You think about what if you go too slow or too fast, what if you wrongly make a step. What if others will not approve, or contrary, have too much hope for your success and pressure you. What if the ones that will be involved will just not like you. Won't be all that excited for you. While you will be too much over the moon for meeting them, being around them, sharing with them this journey...
It's you, only you, against them and all the thousands ways it could go wrong or be difficult that you are coming up with it. It's only you, and how on earth you will ever be able to manage it, resolve it, survive that every battle...
But, where this conviction that you will be on your own came from? From your past experiences? Another situation? Or a story you heard from and about someone? It's something, once again, that is absolutely, in any way, not connected to this situation and journey, but a part of your own thoughts and convictions, isn't it?
But we already talked about it - It's different this time (and it will actually be every single time you will start something). You won't stand alone. You won't walk alone. Because although it is new for you, and you are the only one in your circle going on this exact path... It is not something new for this world, and for others that live in it exactly like you do.
There are many people that are right now thinking about the same. And some of them already left the indecision a side, and are there, and are waiting. Because this journey won't be so lonely as you think it will. And the ones walking by your side won't be so cold, indifferent, or mean.
You will have your guidance, your advices, your support, your company. You will find all of it as soon as you begin your journey. And it won't feel so heavy, I promsie you, because you will not be forced to carry it all alone, like you already so many times did on other journeys.
There will be moments that are more slow, but they will never be too boring. The ones that will be fast, but nothing too overwhelming. There will be moments of indecision, but your answers will find you. And nothing about it will ever be so dooming, so terrible, so end worlding.
It is a safe journey for you. And not because it is safe in itself. It will be because of who you are now, how you will manage things, and how the ones around you will too. This is why, simply, you can't find reassurance for this decision in a version of you that lives in the past - they don't have yet what you have now. And they are the ones that would have a hard time. Not you. Not now. Not on this journey that called you and waited for so much time, preparing and refining your own very spot, that is ready for you to take it and own.♡
(the ace of cups, the hierophant and the king of wands)
It felt so perfect indeed. I know. It felt so right, so fated even. It still does. It still does seem like the best option, the best way that there ever could be about this something, about this journey, this goal that you one day would like to hold to yourself tightly... And this is why it is so difficult, the thing you did. This is why it never really left you, that feeling of making a wrong step, a wrong turn, condemning everything you achieved and worked so hardly on. This is why that past still haunts you, the moment you chose to do things differently returns to you, again and again, at every single obstacle and failure.
It wasn't ever easy, yet you did it. For some reason. You threw everything away, shoved it aside, gave yourself the permission to go in a different direction, through a path that still needed to be cleared. You did it despite those signs, those advices, those convictions that what you have is already enough and right, that you should just be grateful, feel lucky, and be satisfied... You did it, you found the courage, because of that single and little whisper that never left you, never got completely silent, no matter what others promised you.
That one choice, that one decision, changed so much, felt so definitive. Like something that can never be surpassed. A call for courage, and trust in yourself, and readiness to dodge the judgement of others at your every step... It seemed impossible to experience it ever again, not like that, not that much...
And yet here it is. This moment that mirrors so well the past, but that somehow, digs even deeper in you, asks you of more.
The same situation, the same journey, the same decision. But rather than its beginning - its the phase of growth, of progress, that you are now facing. The one that seems impossible to analyse or foresee. How long will it take? How many obstacles there will be?
The courage and decision is not enough anymore, not even your stubbornness that got you through the battle where you fought fiercely for this choice. Now you need to be strong too. And patient. And persistent. And consistent. To be firm in your decisions, and be serious enough with your own self by not allowing you to procrastinate, step back or fail. But also, you need to take care of yourself, be gentle, be understanding... You need to find that perfect balance that you always thought will be created by the moment, naturally, and instead you are now supposed to be the one to craft it somehow.
So it is inevitable to rethink, to remember. That one moment in which you chose all of this, were so confident, and didn't even think too much, or maybe enough even. It is impossible not to start considering this a mistake, a failure already. Something that you are just not suited for and thought a little too highly of yourself, went somewhere where you are not supposed to be now...
But, regardless of these thoughts and emotions, you are already here, aren't you? And it's not even the beginning, you made some steps on this journey, didn't you? You managed somehow, even though you are becoming so convinced that you are not good enough and could never manage all that it's happening. You did somehow come to this point. And you did survive one of the most difficult steps, the one of starting, the one that manages to scare so many.
So perhaps... You are capable of something. There was some truth in your initial confidence and conviction. It's just that... The initial adrenaline faded off. The voices around are temporary silent. You are on your own, the rhythm slowed down, you got used to the tasks and routines. It became all calm, all of the sudden. Sooner than you expected. And you didn't even use completely that armor that you created for yourself, going into this battle...
But it's not a sign that you made a mistake or that the desire and conviction of yours was short lived. That you should pack up your things, and your pride, and just hope that they will accept you back, in that other situation and thing, even though you so fiercely run away from it...
Just breathe. Stay here for a moment. Even if it is uncertain, even if it is difficult to calm down your mind and rest your body. Wait a little more, for yourself. For that desire that is still here inside you. Because time will pass either way, the situation will change, the obstacles will be moved away or you will overcome them. No matter if you are confident or scared, certain or confused. Because you already did it. So many times actually, more than what you give yourself credit for.
There was a reason why this something called you so strongly. Enough to make you change your life. Enough to still keep on calling you, even when you are trembling, and are afraid of moving forward.
It is important for you, for some reason. And this is why it's worth it, to resist for a while and battle this anxiety.
Your past is not talking to you because it wants to show you how you were mistaken, by letting go something that was better... It only wants to remind you how strong this calling was. And how many doubts you still got, while leaving behind something that you didn't want... Imagine how many of them and of the regrets you would have, if you force yourself to let go of this one. The one that you already started working on so hard and already managed to make so many good steps and progress.
It will be okay. I promise you. You are doing fine. There is nothing wrong, or strange, or suspicious in this process or how things are happening or how you are feeling. It's just a moment of tiredness after the big changes, together with how suddenly they became slower and silent.
It's part of the process, and it will change soon enough. And you will feel better. After some rest, the motivation will come back, as well as the confidence and sureness. And these moments of stagnation will not feel so menacing, nor the obstacles will feel so big and ominous.
And in the meantime, to try to overcome this stagnation, to try to find the needed reassurance but in yourself, rather than in the past and the overthinking... Try to remember, what was it like, this dream of yours? How was it when it was still little, a tiny and vague feeling that you were craving? What were the first things it whispered to you, as it was starting to take form, coming to the surface, battling the reality that you were already living? What was in it, in that dream of yours, that made it so special, so strong, so worth of fighting for it and protecting?..
You are starting to forget it now, because of all of this. Of this anxiety, and doubts, and thoughts. All the things in the outside and material world that are so different from what you want. Because they have been taking your attention, little by little, until you didn't have any focus in you left to actually dedicate to the thing that you wanted, the one that moved you, that inspired you, that you did all of this for in the first place.
It is all just so loud, especially the thoughts about how everything is too silent and not enough. And it is simply making you loose touch with your own self. That's the truth. And the problem is that this one thing is the one connected to you the most... So how on earth could you ever feel convinced now of your own steps and choices, of all the things that you've done?
You need to come back to yourself first. Before trying to come back to this something, to this journey, to this path. You need first to reconnect, to try to find once again that part of you that craved all of this. They are responsible for this change. They are the ones you truly and fully need to be able to stick to this, to keep on going no matter how bad and unfortunate things seem.
Fortunately, you have the time and space now. Ironically, exactly thanks to this moment of stagnation. You can dedicate more of yourself to this. But not from the perspective of how it will be more effective and productive, what will finally shake everything... You need to do it just for the sake of doing. Without any tasks, responsibilities, motives or strict routines. Just for yourself, for you only. And this is something that you need to remember, truly, not for what it has become in this process, but how it used to be.
Because this period is only that, it will pass, it will change, and everything will start to feel right again. But now, it still feels so inevitable and doomed that it is sickening. It is pulling you down without you realising it. And this is the only real and dangerous part of it - that this moment indeed could convince you that this was all a mistake.
And this is why the most effective thing will be to just do it for yourself, really. Not for some results, progress or demonstration, no matter how strange and unreasonable it seems now. Because you do deserve the progress, it's true. But the urgency behind it is not really coming from you.
Perhaps it's coming from others, from their opinion, perspective or progress in their stories... Perhaps it is coming from their version that is hidden in your mind, that keeps on telling you that you need to hurry up to confirm your victory over them, to confirm your success that they never really believed in... But it is surely not coming from you. Because if it was, if that same part of you that pushed you to this was here now advising you - you would just be too focused and occupied in enjoying yourself. Now that you have really the right and the chance.
This phase is already taking its sweet time to pass. And perhaps it will take even more, or will feel like it, if you will force and consume yourself to push and move it. So why don't you just try to not force it? I mean, it is ignoring you, so why you should stress so much about it?
It will be difficult at first but... At each time your mind starts to spiral all around this lack of progress and results... Sit up and try to do it on your own, whatever it is, whatever feeling it usually gives you when you are truly in your element and enjoying yourself. Simulate it. Ignite that flame in you on your own. Again and again. Not because you are desperate somehow... But just to remind yourself, and your mind especially, that you are doing this first and foremost for yourself, on your own. That the good feeling, the comfort it gives you, is not strictly connected to others or the results of this situation that is then connected to what you love.
You can and need to do it regardless. You need to remember that your passion is not caged somewhere, locked up, just because you started to walk on a journey that could give this passion or desire of yours a more material and physical form... You should remind yourself to love it and experience it regardless. Because this is the secret to shake things. Or to make it feel like it. Because as you will be so caught up in your excitement, the time will fly by, and the answers and opportunities will finally arrive. And it will feel easy, and unexpected, and surprising. A gift given to you just because you were busy enjoying yourself, finally free of any rule or judgment.♡
