#taniel angst

“By the time you find the book it won’t be relevant anymore.”

“Can we hurry up already? I’m gonna be late for dinner.”

“Yeah my dad will kill me if he knows I’m out in this weather.”

You smiled to yourself as they walked through the aisles. After what he—Taniel— told you about this town, you smile every time you see kids being kids. Too bad that thing will be on the loose again soon. Speaking of soon, you knew you needed to start your closing tasks before the weather picks up.

Outside, the wind zipped through the bare trees and threatened to undo all the colorful lights that adorned rooftops and windows. Besides the kids just now, the store had been empty for a while, yet you couldn’t find it in you to do anything besides sit and think. How could Taniel just sit back knowing that kids are going to die? There has to be something to stop this thing, right? But what’s done is done. You yelled and cried to him. Begging him to do anything but turn a blind eye. You hated him for telling you. But you would’ve hated him more if he let you live in ignorant bliss. God, why did shit like this have to happen to a small town? To you and your…to you and Taniel?

“Excuse me, how much are these?” the small boy asked you.

“Umm…yeah. It’s—I’ll let you have them for two dollars.” You knew you were under charging a bit, but you wanted him to keep his childhood whimsy as long as possible. 

He looked skeptical. “Are you sure? These are pretty big books.”

You flipped through the books on the counter. They were about space, planets, and science. You raised your brows at him as a smile painted your face. “Matter of fact, I think I over charged you. They’re on the house, as long as you promise to spend the rest of your money on a nice gift for your parents,” you gather up the books in a neat stack and hand them off to the boy, “or your friends. Good friends are worth keeping around, you know?”

His face lit up as he took the books from you, “Yeah, I know. Thank you for the books!” His friends teased him about his interests as they walked out the door. 

The silence hit you like the cool air from outside. Reality set in as you realized how bad the weather had gotten. Snow coated the trees, streets, and sidewalks in a thick, icy blanket. The sky was dark, the kind of dark that made the stars stand out.

You hastily started dusting and closing the store. You didn’t want to imagine how awful your walk home would be. So, you pushed it out of your mind and busied yourself with the closing tasks. But just before you put the money from the register into the safe, the unthinkable happened. The power flickered. Once. Twice. And then it went out completely.

“Shit, shit, shit,” you cursed to yourself. You finished locking up the safe and began putting on all your layers needed to brave the storm. Surely, Ms. Walker would understand why the shelves weren’t restocked. 

You fumbled around the store flipping off every light switch in case the power was restored before morning. You zipped your coat, grabbed your bag, and walked out the door. You fumbled to lock the door. “Stupid, dumb gloves.”

After many failed attempts, and finally taking off one of your gloves, you were off on your trek. And it proved to be as difficult as it looked. The wind was fierce and the snowflakes blinded your vision. Your toes, fingertips, and nose grew numb from the bitter cold. Too bad the power went out, you couldn’t even call—

“Stupid. Ugh, fucking stupid!” You didn’t even check if the phone lines were down. But even if they weren’t you couldn’t call anyone. Not anyone with a car anyway. Unless…no, of course you couldn’t call him. You cussed him out and told him you never wanted to see him again. So much for that idea. Now you’re cold and alone, in more than one way.

But it seemed like your imagination wasn’t that far fetched. Through your blurred vision, you could make out the reddish brown van drive a few feet past you and stop. You sighed, out of relief or frustration, you didn’t know. But you kept walking with your head as high as your scarf and hat would let you.

The brown van kept up with your pace. You wanted to start sprinting, but the idea of wiping out in front of him kept you from doing so. “Kill me, now.”

The van slowed as Taniel leaned over to roll the window down. “Get in,” he told you.

You ignored him, trudging along through the few inches of snow. “It’s a long way to your house. Can you please just get in the van? We don’t have to talk.” He was pleading with you now, desperate to know you were out of the cold and safe at home. 

When you pulled up the strap of the bag, he knew he needed to do something. He parked the van, swung open the door, and nearly slipped walking to you. “Hey, can you please just do this for me? Just get in the car.”

You scoffed, “Seems like you want me to do a lot because you can’t.” You hit his shoulder as you walked past him.

He ran past you, stopping in front of you. His face was laced with worry and panic. God, you hated worrying him. “Well, I’m trying to take you home, but it seems like you’re more content with freezing than letting me help.”

“Why the hell do you even care? People die in this town all the time, and you know why. So, what’s one more girl that goes missing in a blizzard?”

His jaw tightened as a look of hurt flashed across his eyes. “Please, I don’t want to fight. Let me take you home. No strings attached,” he raised his hands in the air, “If not, it seems like we’re both going to freeze out here.”

That’s when you looked at him, really looked at him. He didn’t have a coat, gloves, or anything other than his flannel and undershirt. You thought about his offer, not as long as you would’ve liked to, but still thought about it. Your synapses were firing at an alarming rate trying to think of the different outcomes or excuses to get out of this situation. Suddenly, the idea of a kid-eating-clown-looking-ancient-demon coming to swallow you whole didn’t seem like such a bad thing anymore.

“Okay,” you said softly as you turned to start walking to the van. There was an awkward shuffle between the two of you, not knowing if it was still appropriate for him to open your door. After a few cringe-worthy ‘sorrys’ and hesitant hands reaching for the door, he finally pulled open the door for you.

The drive was slower than you could’ve imagined. You knew he was being careful with the roads still unplowed. You curled yourself into the passenger seat, head resting against the cold window. 

Taniel broke the tension. “I’ve thought about what you said. You know…the other day. And you’re right. I understand, you know…” he trailed off. He didn’t know whether he should continue or let the conversation die out like your relationship did.

“Your point?”

“I get it, really I do. I just…I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation. This thing can’t be stopped. It can only be…contained. It’s always going to be here, watching and waiting and…I know this doesn’t make a lot of sense, but you have to trust me.”

“Trust you? You want me to trust you. We’ve known each other for years and you just tell this to me now?” You shifted your body towards him, raising your voice, “I mean, where was this speech two weeks ago?”

He sighed. “I…I know I messed up, okay. But I only told you because I lo—I trust you. It’s not your fight to fight. It’s not your battle to win. There’s nothing we can do but hope It doesn’t get to us. And it sucks, okay? I get it! But I opened up to you. I shared this with you and you took it and ran away with it—”

“So, you’re saying this is my fault?” You interrupted growing more frustrated at the snow, your coat overheating you, and the boy sitting next to you. 

He began to raise his voice to match yours. “I’m not saying that at all. I’m saying that you don’t need to worry about this. About any of it. If you just wanted an excuse to break up you could’ve told—”

“Excuse me? What the hell are you even talking about? I didn’t want to break up! I just wanted things to be normal—”

This time it wasn't you cutting off the conversation. The van hit a patch of ice and started drifting. Taniel, in an attempt to straighten it out, overcorrected it. You screamed as he gritted his teeth and gripped the wheel. After spinning out a few times, the van jerked to stop. You both caught your breath and silently checked the other was okay. 

He broke the silence once again, “Are you okay? Did you hit your head?”

“No…I’m fine,” you sheepishly replied.

He started driving again. “You care too much, you know?”

You gave him your infamous ‘watch it’ look. The one you would pull out when he would tease you about spending too much time reading or picking out an outfit. He always thought you were pretty and smart without needing the fancy clothes or big books to show it.

“You care, and that’s good. You want people to be the best, to do the best. You see the good in this world. That’s what I love about you! You cry when books are dedicated to loved ones, when kids fall off their bikes, or when you see old couples at restaurants. You’re always thinking about the previous owners of the furniture at my Aunt Rose’s place. You care about people. People you don’t even know! But sometimes that’s all you can see. Look, I’m sorry I didn’t tell you sooner. And I’m sorry that there’s nothing anyone can do to fix it. But you don’t need to run away from me, from us.”

A silence fell between the two of you as he pulled into your driveway, putting the van in park.

A smile crept its way to your face. “You what about me?”

He knew it slipped out during his speech, but he didn’t care. He turned to you and gazed into your soul. His hand reached up to cup your face. “I love you. I love you so much it scares me sometimes. Like I don’t know what to do or how to show it. But I love you so much—”

You cut him off, but for a good reason. You grabbed the collar of his flannel and pulled him closer. His soft lips met yours like they had a hundred times before, but this was different. It was sweet and slow, like the two of you silently agreed that this moment should last forever.

You pulled away breathless, “I love you, too, and I’m sorry. I know that I get in my feelings about these things all the time and—”

“What can I get you, pretty lady?” The man behind the counter questioned.

“Just a..just a Coke, please.” You internally cringed at your lack of alcohol knowledge. You didn’t really want to get drunk or even just tipsy, but it may have helped deal with the weird, unnerving feeling creeping up your throat.

The man handed you a glass with a wink and tried to strike up a conversation you had already checked out of before you even walked in. You simply turned on your heel and walked back to a stack of milk crates against one of the walls, taking a seat. 

You fiddled with the buttons of your shirt and the hem of your skirt. You tried to keep your mind off what in God’s name Taniel was up to. No matter what you thought of to distract yourself, the thick air and condensation from your glass brought you back into reality. A reality that suddenly seems warm and hazy. Even though these thoughts still raced through your brain, a warmth radiated from your ribcage to your fingertips. There was definitely something in this drink. Something that distracted the physical pain, and that was enough.

After gulping down the rest of your mysterious drink, pulled yourself up off your seat and drifted to the dance floor. You shuffled your feet and waved your arms to the tune and lyrics of the song. You rolled up your skirt a few inches and unbuttoned the first few buttons of your shirt. You came here to forget this town, your troubles, the troubles that Taniel found himself in, and goddammit you were giving yourself a run for your money. 

It felt like your throat and calves were on fire from dancing so much, but you couldn’t find it in yourself to quit. You shook your hair out and danced with some of the girls your age. They were swinging you over and under limbs that were too blurry for your vision to comprehend. Your cheeks grew hot as you stumbled over your feet and giggled at the misheard lyrics.

You were able to get your mind off work, the kids, Taniel, that is until the door swung open. The room seemed to spin as you tried to put together the scene that was unfolding before you. Several men in halloween masks stood, blocking one of the only exits in the building. You were too occupied glaring at the grown man in red face to notice the guns adoring their hands and waistbands.

There was some sort of exchange happening in the front of the club that you couldn't make out. In this situation, you knew it was better to keep your mouth shut than try to convince angry white men that they’re playing God. But even after Hank Grogan revealed himself, they left suspiciously quiet.

Everyone was too nervous to keep enjoying their night. Some of the men gathered their coats as women collected their purses. A line began to form at the front door. Many of the military officers shouted “It’s locked” and “Try the other door”, but all proved to be helpless. 

You walked over to one of the windows, suddenly aware of the panic that settled over the room. The men were still outside, and they weren’t itching to leave any time soon. You flinched and instinctively ducked away from whatever was thrown through the window. 

The room was illuminated with a warm, amber glow. The alcohol and smoke was enough to water your eyes and close up your throat. People in The Black Spot started running, dodging flames and bullets to find a safe way out. You fumbled around with your hands in front of you looking for a way out. Standing up meant dodging more bullets and inhaling more smoke, but the mutilated bodies covering the floor made it impossible to crawl to safety.

The floorboards scraped and cut your knees as you made your way past the flames. Blood and alcohol pooled together on the floor. Swirling happiness and hatred into a tough-to-swallow cocktail. 

“Dad, help! Where are you? Dad?”

Ronnie! The kids were still here, dealing with the aftermath of pure, unbridled hatred. You tried your best to make it to the others, but the bright flames and suffocating smoke had you stopping every few steps to regain your strength. You bumped into chairs, tables, and people making your way to the kitchen.

THUD

Your eyes adjusted to the object suddenly obstructing your path. Gracie Howard. A girl in your graduating class that you were dancing with 10 minutes earlier, now dead. Her arms were covered in blisters still bubbling and her skull was burst open.

“Oh, God. No! No! Help! Taniel? Hank? Someone?” You screamed and pleaded, to Gracie, the kids, the men outside, Taniel. You were trapped between flames and the limp body of a girl you grew up with.

Suddenly you were pulled up onto your feet by the collar of your shirt. Your windpipe burned and ached from the constricting fabric and newly inhaled smoke. One of the military officers was dragging you out along with a few other patrons from the night. He shoved you down an opening in the floor, trying to tell you something on the way down. All you could think of was the sudden change in temperature and the ringing in your ears. 

Your eyes blurred with tears as you fought to find a way out. Your legs felt numb and the dirt seemed to surround you, trapping you underground. Familiar faces became unrecognisable as you clawed at the ground around you. 

A strong hand gripped your leg, pulling you deeper under the bunker. Your nails dug into the wood beams and dirt, bending backwards as you pulled away from the fire. Your legs thrashed trying to shake off the hand of death gripping your ankle.

You screamed, “No! No! Get off! Help!”

The cool night air did little to wake you from your living night. You weren’t being dragged anymore but lifted and carried further into the woods. Your body went limp as your head lulled back to the sky. You swore you could hear someone calling your name. But it was too cold, and too much had happened.

════════════

The cold didn’t leave even after the paramedics tended to your wounds. You sat on the metal floor of the paramedic van, hugging the thin blanket closer. Children wept, others laughed in shock, but you felt numb.

“Where is she? I gotta see her! Let me through!” A familiar voice cut through the dying chaos. Taniel couldn’t make out more than a few vague shapes. The bodies lined up near the wall of the burnt bunker sent him running. He lifted up tarp after tarp not even registering the horrors he was laying his eyes upon. He only had you on his mind. 

His mind began to scramble as he came to the end of the line. He thought about every possible outcome that could’ve—or did—happen. He circled back around, retracing his steps like an all too familiar dance. He hoped that the outcome would change. That things would be different.

After the firefighters and EMT’s disbursed, he got a better look at who was in the back of each ambulance. A girl that frequented his Aunt’s shop, a girl with an eye patch, and a girl—

Taniel rushed over to you, the heels of his boots slipping on the loose gravel. He crouched in front of you, engulfing warm hands engulfed yours as he tried to get your attention. 

“Hey, hey! Are you in there? Are you okay? Can you look at me?” He cupped your face with his hands, eyes silently pleading to know that you are okay. 

Your glazed over gaze met his and you fell apart in his hands. His strong arms wrapped around your head encasing you in a cage of comfort. Your hands desperately gripped fistfuls of his shirt like he was going to slip through your fingers if you didn’t hold on tightly. 

“It was awful, Taniel. It was…there were so many people…and the blood.”

“Hey, hey. Shhh, you don’t need to think about it. I’m here. You’re here. We’re safe,” a few tears of his own slipped down his cheek. He tried to stay calm so as to not worry you, but god do you worry him.

He kissed the top of your head as he smoothed down your hair. He needed to ground himself to make sure you were real and safe and alive. 

Taniel pulled away to look at you, really look at you. He wanted to study every soft curve and freckle adorning your face. He didn’t want to forget anything about you. He needed to memorize every detail, just in case. In case there was a next time. No, no. He would make sure there wasn’t a next time. He was gonna take you somewhere. Somewhere far away. But for now, he just needed to get you home.

“C’mon, let's go. I’ll take you back to my Auntie place. She’ll be able to help, okay?” He spoke softly like harsh words might fracture the pieces of yourself that he just put together. 

The whole rest of the morning was spent curled up in his sheets, him telling you stories to help you ease into a peaceful slumber. He sat perched on the edge of the bed, intently watching your every move. He was scared that you would disappear if he took his eyes off of you. He should’ve been there. He would’ve if it wasn’t for the evil that resided in the town.

As your eyes fluttered closed and your breathing evened out, he admired how soft your features became as you finally felt peace. He hated when you were in pain. It was the one thing he couldn’t fix or take away from you.

Taniel sighed as he laid across from you. He brushed your hair out of your eyes and laid there admiring you. 

The man took off his hat as he ran a hand over his facial hair, “Sorry for your loss ma’am.” He didn’t even realize the grief trap she had set up for him, and he was falling right into it. 

Taniel kept meandering around the vacant store. He ran a finger over the countertop, accumulating grey dust on his finger. “Gross.”

“Taniel, honey! We’re leaving,” Rose turned her attention back to the man, “Thank you so much for this opportunity. I’ll see you Monday to discuss paperwork.”

His deep voice and mustache garbled his ‘thank you’ into something incomprehensible. He led all three of them out of the store, locking it behind him. The adults exchanged goodbyes as Taniel shyly waved to the man.

Taniel’s Auntie squealed with excitement, lifting the boy up into her arms. “We did it, Taniel! We found a place!”

The boy was only able to share his aunt’s excitement for a moment before he locked eyes with a young girl—a young you. Rose’s smile faded to a confused look as she followed the boy’s line of sight. You sat on the sidewalk, hot tears rolling down your face. You wept as your palms and knees bled, staining the hem of your dress.

“Oh, poor girl,” Rose sympathized. She didn’t hesitate to join you, sitting on the sidewalk at your level. “Oh, honey. What happened?”

Taniel joined his aunt, standing awkwardly above the pair. His dirty shoes suddenly seemed more interesting than anything else in the world. At least they protected him from the judgemental stares of passerbyers. 

You spewed out some story of picking flowers, your mother at the corner store, your broken sandal, and other insignificant details. His aunt, who was also good with kids, sat and listened attentively. Rose used a handkerchief she found in her purse to stop your poor knee from bleeding while using her other hand to wipe your tears away. 

“I want my Mommy,” you said squeaked out softly, large tears still rolling down your chubby cheeks. Taniel turned to look at you. Your lip was curled into a frown and your brows were knitted together. One of your pigtail braids must’ve also taken a hit during the fall, for there were large chunks of hair falling out of the braid.

“Taniel, honey, can you sit here with her while I go get her mother?”

He wanted to say no. He wasn’t always the best at making friends, even with the other kids on the rez. It didn’t help that she was using your puppy dog eyes on him either. He felt sorry for you, really, but he didn’t think he would be much help. “Auntie–”

Rose interrupted him, “Taniel, please? It will just be a moment.” She stood up already walking towards the store that your mother was in. “Sit with her. I’ll be right back.”

You sniffled as you spoke, “You can sit down…you know, if you want.” 

He noticed you playing with the loose thread on his aunt’s handkerchief as you pressed it to your knee.

Taniel took a seat. He hesitantly spoke as he tried his best to cheer you up, “You know it’s not that bad. I had a splinter once, in my foot. When my Auntie took it out, it was as long as my whole finger!”

“Really,” you perked up.

“Yeah. It hurt more to take it out ‘cause I was scared.”

“I’m scared. It hurts.” More tears fell from your doe eyes.

Trying to correct his mistake, Taniel tried to get you to stop crying. “You know what helped me?”

You hummed in response, wiping your nose on your sleeve.

“My Auntie held my other hand when she took out the splinter. It still hurt, but not as much. She told me that I almost broke her hand from how hard I was squeezing it,” he laughed at the memory.

You looked at the sidewalk as you asked, “Can…can you hold my hand?”

Taniel’s eyes grew wide and his jaw dropped. A girl his age wanted to hold hands with him. When he didn’t answer, you looked into his dark eyes, tears still brimming. All you could muster out was a small ‘please’ before the waterworks started up again.

He scooted closer to you as he scooped up your free hand and interlocked their fingers.

“Sweetheart,” a tall woman came running towards the two, heels clacking against the concrete. The unfamiliar woman knelt down to the girl, cupping her daughter's face with her ringed hands.

“My what do we have here?” His Auntie commented, referring to the two children holding hands. Taniel, getting embarrassed, immediately dropped your small hand.

The doting mother continued, fishing band aids out of her purse, “My poor baby. I bet that hurts. Oh, and your poor hair.”

Taniel looked back at you. He debated offering his assistance again. His helpful and caring self already led to his aunt teasing him once. But what was one more time?

“I can help. I can fix your hair.”

Your mother kissed the top of your head, silently asking for your permission. “Go ahead, sweetie. What a sweet boy,” the woman said, though the last comment was mainly to herself.

His Auntie lovingly watched as Taniel gently gathered your hair, twisting the three different sections as he muttered to himself. He was reminding himself what each strand represented—the higher power, the earth, and his spirit. Though these teachings were to solidify his understanding, you soaked up this new information like a sponge.

“Let’s go, Taniel. We need to get home.”

He stood up, taking a step towards his aunt before he stopped. He turned his head to meet those sweet, puppy dog eyes. “I’m Taniel, by the way.”

You smiled as you told him your name.

“I hope your knee feels better.”

“Thanks,” your smile grew wider.

“Bye,” Taniel awkwardly blurted out before catching up with his aunt.

“Bye, Taniel!”

He took his Auntie’s hand again, turning around to look at you one last time before getting in her truck. 

“Well, she seemed like a pretty nice girl,” Rose told the boy who was fully turned around in the backseat. She smiled as she started the car.

“Yeah, pretty,” he whispered to himself sitting down in his seat. Suddenly downtown Derry didn’t seem too bad.

・・・・・・・・・・・

2. Changing perspectives

“Taniel, can you hand me another nail, please?”

The young boy dragged himself away from his comic book on the front counter to help his Auntie. He tried to distract himself from summer vacation ending, starting jr. high, and the mysterious girl he met last year. One of the boys on the rez introduced him to comics recently, and he loved them. If it wasn’t the story taking him out of his reality, it was the colorful illustrations.

Rose interrupted his thoughts, “Taniel, can you put some pep in your step? My arm is falling asleep.”

“Sorry, Auntie,” he muttered, as he handed a nail off to her. 

Once the last picture was up, his aunt took a step back to admire the painting. She sighed contently as she turned her attention to the rest of the store. There were several baskets, chairs, mirrors, dressers, and other furniture arranged on the newly finished floor. It looked unrecognizable from the building the first time they saw it.

He was happy his aunt was finally able to carry out her dreams, but he dreaded it simultaneously. What 12 year old boy wanted to spend his summer vacation lugging around old lamps and rocking chairs for his Auntie’s shop? The only plus side seemed to be the short walk from the school to the shop. This way he didn’t have to walk or take the bus with kids who hated him.

The next few days blurred together. It didn’t matter if it was Sunday or Thursday, Taniel was stuck at the shop. If he wasn’t loading furniture into his aunt’s van, he was up at the register, checking out customers. Most were nice old ladies or housewives looking to fill their days with something they enjoy. 

He hated how boring and repetitive it was, but liked the idea of having money for new shoes and comics. 

The Saturday before school started was a day that was engraved into his hippocampus. He was sitting at the register, eyes following the bubbles and boxes of text in his latest comic book, when the bell above the front door rang. He huffed as he rolled up the comic and shoved it in his back pocket.

Taniel watched a lady meander around the stores, drawn to the porcelain knicknacks and trinket boxes. She would pick one up, show the person next to her, and make a few comments before putting it back on the shelf. 

“Why don’t you go ask if they need anything? You can practice meeting new people, yeah?” Rose cheerfully suggested, though it sounded more like a polite demand.

Taniel plotted a potential escape as he walked over to the lady. He cleared his throat, “Hi, ma’am. Do you…do you need help finding anything? We have more pieces in the back if you—”

“Taniel?” A soft, familiar voice interrupted him. A pair of warm, friendly eyes met his.

He breathed out your name in response, the air escaping his lungs at the shock of seeing you again.

Your mother broke the silent staring contest the two of you were having, “Is your aunt here, by chance?”

Rose, with a close lipped smile painting her face, rounded the corner of the counter to whisk away your mother. The pair caught up exchanging details about the past few months and school starting up again.

Taking after the conversation the women were having, you asked, “Jr. high, huh? I can’t imagine being in the same hallways as the older kids.”

Taniel shoved his hands into his pockets, staring at his crossed feet. “Tell me about it.”

“I’m nervous, you know?” You turned to continue looking at the trinkets in front of you, “New school, new teachers…it’s just a lot at one time.”

His gaze lifted from the floor to your soft features. It felt like you just told him all his dreams were about to come true. No way you understood how he felt about going to school. You understood him. His heart raced at the realization.

“Yeah, but it won’t be all bad.”

“Why not?” Your brows knitted together the same way they did nearly a year ago.

A newfound confidence washed over him as he continued, “You’ll have one friend there that feels the same way.”

“Really?”

His eyes lit up. “Yeah, we might even have the same homeroom together.”

“Yeah, and we could sit together at lunch,” you said, matching his enthusiasm. 

Your mother emerged from the back of the store giggling at a story Rose was wrapping up. “Let’s go, sweetie.”

You took one last look at the hand-painted porcelain kitten you were holding before putting it down. He took note of it before you started towards the door.

“See you at school.”

“Yeah, see you at school.” Maybe jr. high would be enjoyable.

・・・・・・・・・・・

3. First kisses

“How was Helly Howard’s class today,” you asked, taking one of Taniel’s strawberries and popping it into your mouth.

He rolled his eyes, “Hell, or course.”

“Is Don still giving you a hard time?”

He gave you an unamused look, “What do you think?”

“Yeah, I don’t know why I bother asking anymore. He’s always been a jerk, you know? He used to pull on my hair last year. He’s the one who started the whole ‘crybaby butterfly’ thing.”

Taniel gritted his teeth as you bit the inside of your cheek. He hated that the kids were so mean to such a sweet girl. At some times, it seemed like it bothered him more than you. But that’s just how Taniel was. Always observant and protective.

“Hey,” you snapped him out of his internal tantrum, “speaking of asking, can I ask you a question?”

He smiled at your politeness. “You know you can ask me anything. You don’t have to ask before asking me a question.”

You sighed, lowering your gaze. The chipped tray your lunch sat on was suddenly intriguing to your racing mind. Taniel bumped your hand with his, urging you to continue on with your question. 

“What if it’s stupid? Or mean? I don’t want to hurt your feelings.”

The boy crossed his pinky in an ‘x’ shape over his heart and kissed it before holding it across the table, urging you to do the same.

You copied his actions as he swore, “I won’t get mad at you, I promise. I don’t even think I can get mad at you.”

You retracted your pinkie, folding your hands in your lap. He wished you had taken more time getting your thoughts together. He was always trying to find subtle ways to touch you. All he could ever think about was holding your hand when you were scared and hurt. Sure, he was nervous, but he remembered the fuzzy feeling that surrounded his heart at the moment.

“I know the kids make fun of you because of your hair.”

He smirked, pointing out the obvious, “That’s not a question.”

“Why do you keep your hair so long?” You blurted out. Trying to correct yourself you continued, “Not like in a bad way. Like in a curious, I-want-to-know-more way. I think it’s great, you know? Really tough. And it always looks so shiny and nice and—”

He cut you off by grabbing one of your soft hands that was waving wildly as you spoke. He lightly rubbed his thumb against your fingers to ground you.

“Hey, hey! It’s not a dumb or mean question. I’ll tell you.” He hesitated for a second. He didn’t want to let go of your hand, but didn’t want to start any more rumors or give you any more mean nicknames.

He reluctantly let go of your hand, scratching the back of his head. “Well, uh, I grow my hair out for a lot of reasons. The women in our tribe are leaders and warriors. They are able to create and nurture life. Because us men cannot,” you interrupt him with a soft giggle. You meant to stay serious, but the boy in front of you was not yet ready for the title of ‘man’. 

He resumed, “Because the men cannot do that, we dedicate part of ourselves to them. Also, having long hair makes it easier to braid and strengthens the connections we have to everything around us. One strand represents the higher powers we cannot see. The second represents the earth or ourself. The third represents our spirit. All three are twisted and intertwined together to show the relationship between all three. We cannot exist without spirits guiding us, being one with the earth, and acknowledging the high power. Our hair acts as an anchor that connects us to these things.”

You stared at him with your dazzling eyes, hand propped beneath your chin. He would answer every one of your questions if you always looked at him like that.

“Thank you.”

“Thank you for braving the storm that is asking a question.” You gave the boy a death glare. “But one cannot make the journey alone.”

He fumbled with the paper-wrapped bundle in his jacket pocket. His hand shook as he gently placed the mystery present in your palm. You unraveled the sheets of thick paper to reveal a tiny ceramic cat, painted like the tomcat that hung around your neighborhood.

“Taniel, you didn’t have to—”

“Open it.”

When you first saw the cat, you didn’t have time to take in all the details. You completely missed that, below its collar on its back, was a small hinge. You opened it up to reveal a small ring. It was a simple gold band with a tiny mauve stone in the middle. Two even smaller diamonds sat on either side of the square stone. You placed it on your pointer finger admiring the way the diamonds shimmered in the school cafeteria lighting.

“Taniel, this is really too much.”

“Don’t worry about it,” he waved you off, “my Auntie told me that it’s just gold-plated. Oh, and the diamonds aren’t real. It’s too small for most of the women that come through the store, so she said I could have it. Well, give it to you, so…” he trailed off, worried that he upset you. 

The bell rang as he gathered up your tray, along with his. You walked beside him looking between the kitty and ring you were just gifted. 

“Thank you. You kissed him on the cheek, nearly making him drop the lunch trays, “See you after school!”

His feet became firmly planted on the ground as he stood by the trashcan. He didn’t care about the glares or shoulders that intentionally bumped him, all that was on his mind was that a pretty girl kissed him.

・・・・・・・・・・・

4. Growing up and moving on

Taniel strung together multiple curses while loading up his aunt’s van. It was a great investment, but it wasn’t the most interesting thing to drive. He would never outwardly complain. Afterall, it allowed him to spend more time with you. Taniel would drive you to school, take you out on ‘dates’ (as friends of course), and be at your every beck and call if it meant being able to see you again. Plus, it was a bonus if you let him open your door and give you a hand into the van.

“Need a hand?” You questioned. You stood behind him, one hand on your hip and the other shielding your eyes from the spring sun. Working on the weekends was a grueling task, but you always made it more enjoyable.

“You’re late, again.” He didn’t really mean it. It was just one of those things that went from teasing to an everyday occurrence. 

“Save it, handsome. I’m here now, so you can quit grumbling.” You opened up the driver side door, plopping yourself down sideways on the seat. Even if you wanted to help, he wouldn’t let you lift a finger. He always chalked it up to ‘not wanting any more scraped knees’.

He lifted another nightstand into the van, resting against his forearm against the van. You reached your hand up to his face, tucking his hair behind his ear and out of his face. His eyes softened and jaw unclenched as he melted into your touch. You always had a way of turning him into putty from the slightest touch.

His heart ached wanting nothing more than to ditch the furniture and kiss you until you became dizzy. “You’re beautiful. You know that?”

You looked out the windshield, hiding your quickening breaths. “Yeah,” you let out a breathy laugh, “you only tell me that like all the time.” 

You met his eyes again and scrunched up your face. He couldn’t help but feel utterly helpless. Why did he have to be in love with you? Then again, who wouldn’t fall in love with you?

He finished loading up the van and shut the side door with a thud. The space between you was noticeably small, but the tension was even more noticeable. It felt like he was gazing straight through your eyes and into your soul. 

He tapped the side of your knee a few times, signaling you to move to the passenger seat, “Let’s get going, sweet thing.”

His eyes never left you as you crawled over to the next seat, making fun of his ever growing collection of pet-names for you. 

The two of you made the deliveries as usual. You picked the music and he acted like he was annoyed at your favorites. It was the same as it had been since he got his license. Just the two of you in your own little world for hours. 

“Hey are you, okay?” He had broken you out of whatever trance you happened upon.

You turned to look at him with a hum.

He pointed to the stereo in the car. “You hate this song. I was surprised you didn’t change it.”

Your ears began to recognize the crashing cymbals and high-pitched voice blaring in the van. “Thought I would give it another try.”

He knew you better than that though. He turned down a side street and parked near the curb. Taniel turned his full body toward you with a questioning look. God, you looked absolutely breathtaking without trying. He just wished he could know every thought that zipped through your brain. He hated when you got quiet. He’d rather hear you retell stories, hear you laugh at his dumb pet-names, or even hear you snore when you accidentally fall asleep while studying in his room. He didn’t want to push, but he also wanted to help you. It was something that naturally came to him.

You sighed. “I’m just scared.”

Taniel looked around the van before pointing at himself, “Of me?”

“Ha ha. Very funny. Lucille Ball must love you.”

“Jsut trying to lighten the mood. Keep going,” he urged as he laced his fingers with yours.

“I’m scared of graduating. I’m good at school but I can’t imagine doing it for another four years. It feels like I’m not good at anything. I feel like I have nothing beyond this boring town. I wouldn’t mind staying here, but…what is there for me? You have the reservation and your Auntie’s business, and I have…a stupid scar on my knee that the sidewalk outside your aunt’s place gave me.”

“It’s not stupid, and you just have to try things out. I don’t like hauling around heavy pieces of wood, but I like other parts of the job.” You began to play with his hand, drawing shapes and tracing lines across his palm and fingertips. He continued, trying to push down the blooming warmth that came from beneath his ribcage, “I like restoring and staining some of the old wood dressers. It’s kinda nice just sitting in silence, just focusing on one simple thing.”

“You must love me then,” you replied sarcastically.

His features softened. “Yeah. Yeah, I do,” he chuckled, covering up the true intentions of his words. “Hey, what about…you know…marriage and all that…stuff?”

You turned his hand over, tracing hearts over his knuckles. “I don’t know. I feel like I’m too much sometimes. Like it’s a chore to love me.”

“Hey, where did that come from?”

You shrugged in response, avoiding his gaze. You knew if you looked up at his tender eyes, they wouldn’t be able to stop crying. “Dating just hasn’t been my thing, you know that. I cry over dumb things. Remember ‘crybaby butterfly’? I mean who the hell cries over a butterfly missing a wing?”

“Someone that obviously cares about others.”

“I feel like if I met someone, someone who really cared about me, then yeah. Maybe one day I’ll get married. Maybe even have kids, too.”

Taniel tried to hide the obvious hurt that flashed across his face. For once, he was thankful that you couldn’t meet his eyes.

“You’ll find someone, I know it. And if, for some reason, you get stuck in this town, you’ll always have a job at my Auntie’s place.”

“Do you really mean that?”

“Of course! But you’ll have to do a lot more than make fun of me and distract me from making deliveries. "You peeped out a sheepish ‘sorry’ before he brushed the hair out of your face. He took a few more moments to bask in your beauty before putting the car back into drive. His hands tightened on the steering wheel as you fumbled with the radio. Why did he have to chicken out? He meant what he said, but it came out as a joke. Why didn’t he just double down? Why did you talk about meeting your future husband? This back and forth was destroying everything in him, but seeing you sitting next to him singing songs aloud, he couldn't help but keep his feelings to himself.

・・・・・・・・・・・

5. Making mistakes and making up for them

Taniel didn’t mean to. In fact, he raced back to his van once he realized what time it was. He was too occupied with the meeting about the evil entity that lived in Derry. After years of hearing stories and reciting them back to his elders, the day finally came where he was able to keep track of this thing. He had been so hyper focused on the conversation to remember your shift at this Auntie’s place. Of course, he told you about a super-top-secret meeting he was having, but he pinky promised he would drop you off and pick you up for your shift. 

“Shit, shit, shit.” The movement the engine started up, he took off speeding to town. He silently prayed that you would still be there. That you wouldn’t be mad at him for being over 30 minutes late. It’s not like everyone should know about this entity anyway. 

Taniel pulled up to the shop, seeing the large ‘closed’ sign in front of the glass door. The lights were off, the door was locked, and you were nowhere to be seen.

“Fuck,” he ran his hands over his face before getting back into the van. He raced around town, checking all your favorite places before making his way to your house.

His heart fell as he pulled in your driveway. Your parents’ car was gone and your curtains were closed. You only closed your curtains during thunderstorms or when you were sad, and it wasn’t raining. Taniel barged through the front door, making a mental note to scold you about the unlocked door at a later date. He just needed to apologize and make sure you were okay.

He knocked softly on your door, waiting for some sign of life on the other side. “Honey, can you open the door? Look, I’m sorry. The meeting ran over and I…I’m sorry. This was completely my fault, but I’ll make it up to you. You just gotta let me in please.”

His pleas did little to rouse you from your bed. It wasn’t just about him forgetting you at work. It was the fact that he ditched you last-minute for some mysterious meeting he ‘can’t talk about’. If he wanted to get rid of you, he could’ve just said so. 

“Fuck giving you space,” he pushed the door open revealing your backed turned to the door. Your shoulders shook as your hand muffled the sobs that racked your body. How were you supposed to be mad at the one person you could go to for comfort? 

He slowly made his way over to you, calling out your names and every other pet-name in the books. Taniel sat on the edge of your bed, trying his best to comfort you without overstepping more than he already was. He hated seeing you cry. It was even worse now because he was the reason you were crying.

You took in a sharp breath as you turned to look at him over your shoulder. Even through tears, you could tell he was really sorry. He looked like a hurt puppy that’s been kicked too many times.

You instinctively jumped into his arms, dampening the shoulder of his button up with your tears. He wept with you as he pulled you onto his lap. His strong hands rubbed up and down your back, trying his best to soothe your aching heart.

He knew you were going to beat yourself up about crying over a ‘small, dumb thing’ later, so he tried to do damage control now. “Let it out, sweet girl. I’m sorry. I don’t care about the meeting or keeping some secret if it means you feel like this. Please, please believe me. I’ll tell you everything, all of it, if it means you’re not mad at me anymore.”

You lifted your head up, eyes red and puffy. The pads of his thumbs swiped across your cheekbones. You closed your eyes, basking in the warmth his hands provided. He held you as he explained all of it. Some of it came out in jumbled strings of adjectives and words that didn’t quite make sense together. He talked as fast as he could, trying to make you understand why he kept all of this from you. You silently listened as you clung to his wrists that caged your head.

This was the closest the two of you had ever been, physically and emotionally. He contemplated telling you all of his secrets. The one where he would hide his jackets whenever you came over to his house to prevent you from stealing his favorite ones. The one time he lied about going on a date just to ‘practice’ kissing with you. The one where he lied about his favorite color because seeing you excited about guessing it on the first try mattered more than the truth. Or the one time he told you holding hands took away the pain. The one about being completely in love with you.

・・・・・・・・・・・

1. A debt repaid

Taniel isn’t thinking as he rushes with everyone else to Rose’s van. You’re just as confused, caught up in a chaotic mess you were thrown into less than a day earlier. Something about the military, kids, the clown, a dagger, it all ran together in your mind. You didn’t need to fully understand it to feel included. 

He practically dragged you into the front seat, still a bit skeptical of the military officer that was now lying on the floor of the van. It was the only place where he could guarantee your safety from whatever that man could do with his mind.

He sped in the direction of the river. Stop signs and speed limits were less important than the state of the world. 

You looked out the window, noticing the sudden change in temperature and the thick fog. Taniel did his best to navigate, given the limited visibility. Afterall, he had precious cargo sitting right next to him. He drifted around trees before the van was driving on a solid layer of ice. How was any of this possible?

After almost running over the children, you wanted to make sure they were truly safe. You reached for the door handle before a voice rang out.

“No, you stay put.”

“Taniel, I came here for a reason. Let me help!”

He ran his hands through his hair, tugging at the roots in hopes it would cure his fast-approaching headache. “Fine, but don’t leave my sight. I mean it.”

You hurriedly nodded, checking on the girls in front of you before everything started spinning. They were trying to explain that the kids were floating in the air, the dagger, the principal, everything. You tried to focus, but it seemed like everyone was contributing something different to the cause, expect you. You couldn’t even listen to the girls without shutting down. 

Taniel and the tall military officer joined the group to retrieve the dagger. “I’ll be right back, I promise.”

You shook your head, grabbing the dagger before he could take it. “I’m going with you.”

He shut the idea down immediately, “No, you don’t know what this thing is capable of. Give me the dagger. You’re safer here.”

“I’ll be safer with you. What happened to not letting me out of your sight?”

He took off his jacket, wrapping it around your shoulders. “You can come, but I hold the dagger, got it?” You handed him the dagger, putting your arms through the sleeves of his warm jacket.

Taniel continued, “One more thing, I’m so sorry about this, really I am.”

Before you could even knit your brows in confusion, he swung his leg behind yours and pushed you with enough force to knock the wind out of you. You hit the ice hard, the wind rippling the snow and your hair in a way that obstructed your vision. The two men had taken off in the direction of the pine.

With your diaphragm still catching up from the push and fall, you rolled yourself onto your side, using your arm to prop you up. You tried your best to take deep breaths, but only shallow ones escaped your cold lips.

You saw it before the clicks popped your eardrums. Several shots rang out from the other side of the lake. The military got there sooner than anyone thought. They were shooting at you…at Taniel. 

Leroy fell to the ice as Taniel tried his best to duck and run back to the safety of the van. The ice beneath his feet and bullets ringing in his ears, he shuffles back towards you. His face contorted in a look of shock and pain as a bullet struck him. You tried crawling to him, wanting to help him in any possible way, but Rose held you back. It didn’t matter if you couldn’t breathe. You still screamed out for your Taniel with the little air your lungs held.

He felt a warm liquid gathering around the collar of his shirt. It took a while for the realization to hit him, but when it did, it felt worse than the bullet hole in his shoulder. Leroy did his best to stop Taniel from bleeding, but the cold numbed his hands and the fog made it hard for his eyes to focus.

In that moment, Taniel selfishly wished for a lot of things. He wished for a nice car to parade around in with you at his side. He wanted a kiss from you, not some bullshit practice kiss that was more giggles and teeth than passion. And he wanted his jacket back because he cold had seeped through his skin and leached onto his bones.

You didn’t care if there were still bullets flying past the van, you needed to get to Taniel. When Will ran to his dad, you took the opportunity to break free from Rose’s grasp, shuffling over to the boy who’s loved you for more than a decade. 

You could only muster out a weak ‘Taniel’ as you reached him. You swept his wet hair out of his eyes as you took over for Leroy. Who knew you would have to repay the favor of taking away his pain in this seriously fucked up way?

You took off the jacket he gave you, laying it over his chest. You scooted his head to lay in your lap, trying your best to remember everything that you need to do in a situation like this. Taniel tried his best to reach up to wipe your tears away. You caught his hand before it could reach you, returning it to his chest. He lightly squeezed your hand, wanting you to let him at least hold it.

“I lied,” he choked out.

“Hey, none of that, anything but that,” your face screwed up as you tried to stop crying.

“I’m not really sorry. I’m glad I pushed you.” Your laugh turned into a sob as he coughed and cringed from the pain. You tried pressing harder on his shoulder, releasing a mantra of ‘sorry’s’ to make up for the boy’s pain.

“You know how I told you the story about that splinter my Auntie had to pull out? I made it up. All of it.”

You sniffled, “What?”

“I made it up to get you to hold my hand. I was too shy to make the first move. I’ve loved you since that day, you know? You’ve been on my mind ever since. I always worry about you, what you’re doing, how you’re feeling. I lied about liking the color orange, or at least I did in jr. high. It’s grown on me since then. I lied about going on dates. I lied about liking your haircut a few years ago. I lied about how I love you. I’m sorry I didn’t say it sooner.”

Suddenly the dagger and clown didn’t matter. They weren’t worth thinking about. Not when the boy you loved for half your life lays dying in your lap.

“I love you, Taniel.”

His eyes began to flutter closed, his hand going limp in yours. “Taniel? Taniel, you gotta stay awake, honey. Please.”

His eyes closed as violent sobs shook your ribcage. You bent over, kissing his forehead and digging your nails into his bleeding shoulder.

“Please don’t do this to me. Taniel!”

─ ⋅ ⋅ ⋅ ──── ♡ ─── ⋅ ⋅ ⋅ ──

The bright lights made it hard for him to open his eyes. The rhythmic patterns being drawn on his arm tickled his skin, earning a wincing smile from the boy. Taniel’s body ached, but this simple touch seemed to be working better than the morphine. 

“What did I miss?”

You leapt back before diving into his neck, forgetting that the other side was still healing. He let out a painful groan as you backed away immediately, whispering apologies as you sat back in your chair.

“Didn’t mean to scare you, pretty girl. Come back.”

You held his hand, careful not to mess with the IV you definitely bumped into just a moment ago. You pressed your lips to his forehead, basking in the feelings that soothed your worrying heart. 

“Do I get a real one now, or what?” Taniel looked up at you, blinking slowly.

You chuckled, leaning down once more, this time to meet his lips. Your mouths moved in sync as he tilted his head to deepen the kiss. He wanted your lips, your love, your kind soul. He wanted more and didn’t care about breathing. 

The monitor next to him beeped as his Auntie rushed through the door. You locked onto his brown eyes before laughing against his chest.

You weren’t amused. “Boring? So, where were you all day?”

“Home.” It really wasn’t a lie. He was at home, he just didn’t mention who was also there and what they were talking about.

“Doing what exactly?” You crossed your arms, huffing at his aloof responses.

He started to fiddle with the jewelry and trinkets that lived on your nightstand, “Just lounging around and doing chores. Nothing exciting.”

“So, why didn’t you answer my call?”

He knew he was screwed. He hoped that you would somehow forget about it, but it was wishful thinking. You had called him earlier, unknowingly during his meeting, only to be met with the voice of a strange young woman. You heard Taniel’s voice in the background as the woman on the other end hastily told you that ‘Taniel can’t come to the phone, he’s busy’ before hanging up. That was enough to get your blood boiling. 

Taniel didn’t know whether to deny it, make up a lie, or just tell you the truth. Each option presented their own unique challenges and potentially awful outcomes. He hated keeping things from you, but some things were just too much to share. It wasn’t like he was hiding his feelings from you. He just couldn’t tell you about It.

“Hello? Why didn’t you answer my call?”

“I was probably outside with the goats. I guess I didn’t hear the phone go off. I’m sorry.” He thought he dodged a bullet.

“So, what? Do you have a secretary answering your calls now?”

“Huh?” He failed to make the connection you were hinting at.

You rolled your eyes, standing up from your bed. You needed space from the man in front of you before you started short circuiting. “Don’t act dumb. Who is she?”

He whipped his head to you, taken aback by the accusation. “I don’t know what you're talking about, sincerely.!”

You looked up to your ceiling, hoping it would give you the strength needed to get through this already too long conversation.

“I called your house earlier today. I thought you or your Aunt Rose would answer, but someone else did. Some girl picked up the phone and told me that you were so preoccupied with whatever you were doing that you couldn’t talk to me. So, who is she? Is she cute?”

With a perplexed expression adorning his face, he tried to connect the dots together. He remembered you calling during the meeting, but couldn’t recall who would’ve answered it. He was too focused on the meeting to really keep track of who was in his living room. Then it hit him. One of the girls from the reservation was there. She was more like a cousin than a friend. Sure, he knew a lot about her, but he hardly ever talked to her anymore unless she came to the shop. If anything, his Auntie knew her more than he did. 

“Oh, yeah. She—”

You interrupted him, “She? So, did you invite her over to keep you company? Were the goats not enough?”

“What are you getting at?”

You tried to keep your composure, you really did. You never yell at Taniel, but this was proving all the doubts in your head to be true. He had to be cheating on you. There was no other explanation. 

“You’re lying to me! You’re lying to me and you keep lying! You and your Aunt Rose have secret conversations in the shop without me, you get random calls and have to rush out of your house, you cancel dates last minute, you hide things behind my back, you have strange women tell me you’re busy, I mean do I need to keep going?” 

You didn’t give him time to answer the question before you started up again, “I feel like you’re avoiding me, Taniel. I mean, fuck. You’re pushing me away, all for what? So you can swap spit with some other girl? Do you even wanna be with me?”

He stood up, trying to close the space between the two of you. “Hey, hey. Slow down. Look, this is all just a misunderstanding—”

“Then clear it up! Tell me she’s just a friend.”

Taniel stopped dead in his tracks several feet away from you. He drew in a deep breath, clenching his jaw. “Look, she is a friend, more like an acquaintance. I can’t tell you everything, but you just have to trust me—”

“I tried! I tried, but I’m tired. I’m tired of the lies and dodged calls and sneaking around behind my back,” hot tears were now streaming down your face.

“I…can’t tell you, honestly. You just need to trust me, please.”

“Then go.” 

His eyes were pleading with you as he bit the inside of his cheek. He didn’t think it would come to this. This wasn’t like your relationship. You never yelled out of anger. He never made you cry unless it was tears of laughter or joy.

“Please, honey.”

You couldn’t speak anymore. Your throat was raw from screaming and sudden tears gave you a headache. You just shook your head and pointed at the door. He looked at you long and hard, like a silent stand-off. He wanted to hold you and wipe away your tears. He wanted to fix this mess, but he couldn’t

The days seemed to bleed together. Each one had ups but mostly downs. You hadn’t realized how much your day revolved around Taniel. You couldn’t go into town without passing his Auntie’s store. You couldn't go to the store without seeing his favorite drink or something that reminded you of him. Even your room plagued you with constant reminders of him. Your closet and dresser was littered with pieces from his wardrobe. Your room was adorned with furniture and decor that he helped you pick out and carry up to your room for you. The other side of the bed felt cool and your pillow smelled like him. So much for wallowing in your room.

‘What happened to the dumb arguments that came up out of nowhere and meant nothing?’ you thought to yourself. 

You sighed, turning on your back to look up at the ceiling. It felt weird going this long without talking to Taniel. You missed his chiseled face. You missed falling asleep with the phone receiver in your hand, him softly laughing and repeating your name on the other end. You missed him sneaking into your bedroom window like you were still teenagers in high school.

Clink Clink Clink

You could recognize that sound from a mile away. Even so, you pulled the covers up over your shoulders and turned your body away from the window. Maybe if Taniel saw you sleeping, he would leave you alone. It felt too soon to see him. You didn’t know what to say or how to say it. You didn’t even know how to feel after all that went down.

But you knew it was in his nature to try to make things right. When the pebbles thrown against your window didn’t work, he opted to climb straight up to it and let himself in. Even though you prayed he wouldn’t come see you, part of you was hoping for this. And that part of you still left the window unlocked.

He shrugged off his jacket and toed off his boots as he made his way over to ‘his side’ of the bed. You squeezed your eyes shut coming up with new expletives in your head. He peeled back the covers as he slipped into your bed.

You waited for him to do or say something. He didn’t move, didn’t speak, didn’t even let out his usual sigh that indicated he was able to fall asleep. You knew he was staring at you, so you did your best to steady your heartbeat. It was always hard to focus when he got close to you, but this extra special set of circumstances was really testing you.

“I know you’re awake,” he spoke gently to avoid spooking you.

You didn’t budge.

“You wanna know how I know?” Silence. “Your stuffed animal fell on the floor.”

Your eyes shot open as you sat up to look for it. You’ve been sleeping with it since you were a kid. It’s body was covered in patches and the soft fur had seen better days, but it brought you comfort. Even as a grown woman, you always had trouble sleeping without touching the plush animal. It’s like your body could sense it not being in your grasp, even in your deepest slumber.

Your eyes scanned the dark floor, not able to make out the shape of your beloved animal. “Then where is..” you trailed off, noticing where it was. Taniel was holding it close to his chest like a small infant.

“It’s not funny, give it back.”

He obliged, not wanting to make you even more mad at him. You huffed at his compliance, turning away from him once more. It’s funny how you can be mad at him for listening and not listening at the same time.

You grumbled a low ‘good night’ to him, tucking the plush underneath your chin.

“You don’t want to talk?”

“About what?” you huffed.

“Really?”

You turned to face him, only able to catch parts of his features that the outside street lamps highlighted. “I mean, what else is there to say? You’re having fun with your new life, and I’m letting you.”

“That’s not what’s happening, and you know it.” God, how was he able to stay so calm when his whole world was crumbling before his eyes for a second time.

“I actually wouldn’t know. It seems like I don’t know a lot.”

“Okaythen, I’ll tell you.” His response was sudden and unexpected. It hit you like a ton of bricks when you realized this wasn’t the point. You didn’t need to know exactly what he was doing at all hours of the day. Of course there was a reasonable explanation for everything. You trusted Taniel, you really did. It was just the voices in the back of your head that convinced you otherwise. They convinced you that you weren’t good enough. That Taniel would get bored and leave you. God, you felt so stupid.

“Hey, what happened? Where did you just go in that pretty head of yours.”

You reached out and busied your hands with the hem of his shirt. A silent peace offering between the two of you. “You don’t need to tell me. I just,” you sighed, “I don’t know what I was thinking. It’s just dumb.”

He raised your hand, giving the inside of your wrist a light kiss. “It’s not dumb if it hurts your feelings. I should’ve been up front with you about this from the start. It’s family stuff. Tribe stuff. With the military coming here and more kids going missing…” he trailed off.

There was a silent agreement that he didn’t need to continue. You understood what he meant, and he understood he didn’t need to overexplain. It always baffled you that he could read you like a book. 

He pulled you into his arms, breathing in the scent of your shampoo. “I love you. I’m sorry.” It was simple and plain. No fancy gestures. No long winded poems. Just an honest declaration and straightforward apology.

“I love you, and I’m sorry too.” 

You lodged yourself in the crook of his neck, disappearing from the rest of the world. 

“There’s my girl.”

You weren’t thinking about your parents’ room just down the hall or slightly open window allowing cold air to seep into your room. You just cared about having the most kind and caring boy snuggled up with you in your sheets.

You dragged your hands down your face as you trudged into the kitchen towards the phone. Your hand tightened around the blue plastic of the receiver as you raised it to your ear. The dial tone droned through your ears, providing another layer of white noise along with the ticking clock. Your hands shook as you typed the all too familiar numbers. You wrapped your finger around the telephone cord, completely obviously to the fact that it was slowly cutting off the blood flow to your finger.

Static crackled on the other end before a woman’s voice rang out on the other end, “Hello?”

“Hi, Rose. It’s me. I was…” you trailed off, unsure of what excuse to use to justify your call.

“Oh, sweetheart. How’ve you been? I feel like I haven’t seen you in ages.”

You let out a small chuckle. “Yeah, Taniel said things have been busy at your house lately. Yeah, I was actually calling to ask you about that.” You swallowed hard furrowing your brows together. 

“Oh, honey. It’s nothing too worrisome. We’re just keeping an eye on those,” she took a deep sigh, “waterpipes.”

You cringed at both your stinging finger and the question on the tip of your tongue. “Not that, umm. I was calling to ask if you had seen Taniel at all today. He was supposed to pick me up like an hour ago and never showed up.”

“He’s not with you?”

“No, no. I’ve been waiting since 8, and he hasn’t shown up. It’s probably just nothing, but, I don’t know. I just got worried with all the stuff people are saying about Grogan and the military constantly flying around. I…wanted to make sure he’s okay.”

“He left early this morning. I assumed he was with you. Has he shown up at all?”

You walked around the counter until your feet hit the carpet. You peered out the sidelights on either side of our front door, confirming the obvious. “No, he’s not here. I’ve been waiting for him all morning and—”

Rose interrupted, “What time did you say he was meant to pick you up at?” She didn’t mean for it to be an abrupt question, but she knows a thing or two about piecing together odd details into unfortunate situations.

“He was supposed to come by at 8. Why?” You could hear rustling on the other end and Rose huffing indistinguishable words into the receiver. You repeated your question again, now more winded, “Why?”

The rustling continued as Rose spoke, “Taniel was gone before I woke up this morning. If he never made it to your house, then something must’ve happened along the way. Look, I'll come get you here in a minute. I’ll explain everything else on the way.”

“Rose, I don’t—” A harsh beep ended your questioning immediately. Yes, you wanted to know more than anyone where Taniel could be, but why would Rose, of all people, need your help. She’s strong, works on a farm, owns her house and business. What good would a twenty-something-year-old be to an independent woman like that.

You hung up the phone, silently leaning your forehead against the wall it was attached to. You blinked away tears as you silently prayed he didn’t get himself into any trouble.

・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・

“We can’t just sneak onto a military base in broad daylight! They’ll try to kill us!”

“They will kill Taniel if we don’t!” Rose snapped back. She didn’t do it to be mean; she did it because she doesn’t want to lose him. She can’t lose another family member, not again.

You slouched in your seat, the gravity of the situation weighing heavy on your shoulders. You tried to make sense of every detail Rose told you. You pieced together your own events and stories your family has told you from their pasts. Once you started connecting the links, everything fell into place. 

Rose continued driving, taking every turn a bit too fast. You bit your cheek as you looked out the dirty window. You hoped staring at the smudges would help distract you from the tears stinging your eyes.

Nearing the destination, Rose broke the silent tension, “I’m sorry for raising my voice. I am beyond furious, but not at you.”

“I understand. Your family’s been through a lot. And what these people are doing is horrible.”

She reaches over to clasp your hand in hers. She offers a small smile as she says, “Just follow my lead.”

Your mind flooded with doubt as you approached the gates of the restricted military base. Suddenly, your hands seemed like the most interesting thing in the world. The conversation between the man at the gate and Rose was over before it started. Your trance was ended by Rose reversing the van. You expected her to find a weak point with weak security measures, but she had other plans.

She threw the van into drive and immediately floored it. The tires spun against the pavement leaving the smell of burnt rubber lingering in the Maine spring air. You braced your hands against the dashboard as Rose rammed into the level crossing barrier. She continued zooming past military personnel to settle a personal score against an old friend.

After swerving and dodging officers and other vehicles, Rose made her own parking spot and exited the vehicle like a bat out of hell. You struggled to keep up with her quick steps. Rose didn’t ask for permission or wait for an appointment; she burst right through General Shaw’s office doors, ignoring the protests from his secretary and right-hand-man seated outside.

By the time you caught up to her, several military officers stood guarding the door Rose just walked through. You tried listening to Rose, but between the door and officers yelling at you to back up, it was hard. You caught a couple of fragments. Things like “Water pipelines?” from Rose and something like “I remember you saved my life…” from the general in the room. 

You tried getting closer to the door, shuffling your feet in hopes no one would catch on to what you were planning. But one of the officers saw you. He roughly shoved you back, enough to knock you off your feet and onto the floor.

“What the hell is your problem? You guys just like to kidnap and hurt people for fun?”

“You are trespassing on a military base,” the older man bent down, his face just inches away from your own. “Now, little girl,” he smiled, barring his yellow teeth at you as some half-assed intimidation tactic, “we can do this the easy way, or my way.”

“Go to hell.”

“Now, little girl, is that any way to talk to a military officer? You keep runnin’ your mouth, it’s only gonna get you in trouble.”

Your jaw clenched. Your eyes darted back and forth between the man’s dark ones. You silently weighed your options, contemplating what the potential consequences could be. Your breathing quickened as you prepared yourself. In one quick motion you spit at the man in front of you, saliva landing right in the corner of his eye.

He flinched, raising his sleeve to wipe off your spit. “You’re done,” is all he could muster out before gripping your arm and raising you to your feet. He gripped the collar of your shirt with his other hand and backed you against the wall. The sheer force knocked the wind out of you. The man tried to spit more words in your face, but the lack of oxygen going into your lungs posed a serious distraction.

“What the hell is going on out here?”

The man turned to look at General Shaw and Rose. 

Shaw continued, “Is this how we treat our…helpful assistants?”

“No, sir!”

Shaw motioned for the man to release his grip on you. The man roughly shoved you before letting go. Your head thumped against the wall, your body sliding down to the floor. You gripped the fabric of your shirt, trying to catch your breath.

Rose bent down, brushing away the hair from your face. She pulled you into a hug before helping you to your feet. She held your hand as the two of you followed Colonel Fuller and another officer to the interrogation rooms.

・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・

Fuller stopped in front of one of the doors and cleared his throat. “One at a time. Rose, you’re first.”

“No, let her go first—”

“Strict orders. You go first. If you pull any tricks, we will remove you with force and the two of you will vacate the premises. Do I make myself clear?”

Rose answered for the both of you. Fuller pulled open the door before shutting himself and Rose in the room with Taniel. You tried to get a glimpse of the boy while the door was open, but all you caught was his hair falling over his shoulders. 

The hallway was a silence you’ve never experienced before. The air was heavy, orders and secrets weighing it down. It felt suffocating, even after getting the wind knocked out of your lungs.

But just as soon as Rose went into the room, she was rushed out. Fuller now carried the dagger Rose had brought with her. You swallowed hard before Fuller stepped out of the doorway, inviting you in. 

Your first few steps felt heavy until you saw Taniel. You rushed to him, wrapping your arms around him. Taniel buried his face in the crook of your neck breathing in your scent. You smoothed down his hair, telling yourself that it was to comfort him and not yourself.

You pulled away, taking his face in your hands. “You’re gonna be okay, I promise. We’ll get you out of here and and—”

“Hey, it’s okay. It’s going to be alright.” He gently grabbed your wrists, motioning you to sit. You didn’t dare let go of his hands. You sat opposite of him, leaning as close as you could with the table separating you two. 

You noticed the wound on his cheekbone. “Did-did they do that to you?” You felt him grip your hands tighter.

He kept his voice low, “they did things to me. Things I can’t explain. They got inside my head. They know things because of me. It’s my fault. I didn’t mean to get caught. I was only trying to help. I was trying—” He trailed off, hanging his head low.

“Taniel, honey, look at me. Please, this isn’t your fault.” You let go of one of his hands, reaching your own up to his chin. You gently raised Taniel’s chin to get a better look at his face. You tucked strands of his dark hair behind his ears before noticing the tears. He was crying. He blamed himself so much that the guilt was eating him alive.

You wiped away his tears with the pad of your thumb. Your hand rested on his cheek, ready to swipe away any more that were to fall. Even though he was facing you, his eyes couldn’t meet yours. He was ashamed of what he had done. If he hadn’t been so careless, he would be with you, under a different set of circumstances, but with you nonetheless. 

“Taniel,” you spoke softly, dipping your head down to try to meet his gaze. He didn’t move. He just choked out a simple sorry.

“Oh, honey. You have nothing to be sorry for. If they weren’t poking and prodding where they shouldn’t have been, none of this would be happening. They were the ones—”

“Careful,” Fuller harshly interrupted.

“When this is all done and over, we’ll be okay. We’ll bring you home, and we can do whatever you want. Just you and me. Like it always has been, ‘kay?” 

“Time’s up.” Fuller somehow knew when to kill the mood and the poor boy’s spirit.

“Taniel.” He finally met your eyes. His deep brown eyes were filled to the brim with an equal amount of tears and worry. 

“Let’s go!”

The two of you stood up, embracing once more. He gripped the fabric of your shirt, trying to pull you even closer to his aching heart. You pulled your head away from his shoulder, hands on either side of his face. You gave him a quick peck on the cheek before Fuller’s voice interrupted once more.

“Now!”

“I have to go. Stay strong, and do what they say. I’ll be waiting for you when you get back. I love you, Taniel.”

You try to pull, but Taniel’s arms wrap around your waist keeping you close.

“Taniel,” you whisper, silently warning him with your eyes. You didn’t want to get him in trouble, in more trouble than he was already in.

“Please,” his voice cracked as he pleaded. You placed your hands on his chest, leaning in. You don’t know what took over. Maybe it was selfish. Maybe it was the kind of comfort he needed. You placed your lips onto his, intending to give him a proper kiss. It turned into more of a peck as Fuller dragged you out of the room by your shoulder.

The door slammed shut, locking away Taniel and what little light it let into the hallway. Rose nudged you as the two of you to follow the men back to her van. You took one last look at the door, silently praying that he’d be safe. That you would be able to see him again. You’d hate for your last memory of Taniel to be him scared and alone, blaming himself for something out of his control.