#tangled mess

Whenever I’ve loved It’s been just a Tangled mess inside me Of passion And anger And pain And hope And despair Sometimes missing An ingredient But always a mix Of everything at once

Maybe that’s all love is The muddled chaos Of every emotion at once

Maybe I just love wrong

Yesterday I posted about the mess I made when I tried to spin dry my latest finished yarns and my washing machine decided to add water instead.

I managed to separate all the skeins and dry most of them yesterday. I even untangled two of the smaller ones (the larger ones didn't finish drying before sunset). As K. was talking about the sorting games she's been playing, I mentioned the mess I'd made. She offered to come over and help untangle the skeins. During our discussion of how best to work with the fact that they were still giant loops, I thought of this partial squirrel cage swift I got for free recently.

The dark woods that held me back from seeing the clear skies once again had become too thick. It was going to take a lot of strength to find my way through the abundance of tangled branches and plants that I used to recognize.

You see, my mind use to be clear. Well, clear enough I suppose. But, over the years it became a foggy, dark place that I didn’t recognize. I knew getting through the messy entanglement that was now my identity was going to be difficult, but I never imagined it would be this tricky. I would take a step forward, then immediately find myself tripping over the branches that I had already conquered. It was as if I was going around in circles, but I wasn’t moving. I would get little glimpses of the light that lay waiting on the horizon in front of me, but the shadows always covered it back up. As if to remind me that the darkness was where I belonged, where I was destined to be.

I’ll get there I remind myself daily. I will one day finally see the light that I so desperately wanted to discover. But for now? I just needed to be patient and survive.