Okay so if anyone that’s following me here and doesn’t know about this please respect my wishes and not share it. It’s still going on. I just want to publish this here to really help anyone out there. Thank you :)
Sooo about a year ago (almost two years in a few months) I got married. I gave in to my family’s pressure and really just fooled myself and got married to a guy that I only talked to for like 2 minutes in Pakistan. I married him 2 days later. biggest warning sign telling me this can go down really bad. But I ignored it all. This was my first serious relationship ever, so I really thought I was in love, I was such a mess. I became emotionally dependent on him even though it was all long distance. The thought of a guy really thinking I’m beautiful and being sexually attracted to me really made me sort of happy. Then a few months in and he started to be really weird. He called me a cow so I could lose weight. He was furious over a picture I posted on my public Instagram because I never told him about it (my face wasn’t even showing, it was just of me in a shaadi dress) and started to shame me for wanting to be a fashion blogger and how his friends would think it’s sexy (again what?!), he also was pissed at me because I once changed my WhatsApp profile picture of me doing a funny face and he called me ugly so I could change it, when I once asked him what his salary of his new job is he told me it’s none of my business and he won’t ever tell me about his money stuff to which I was furious that he talked to me like that and to that he was like oh how are you so mad at me when you should understand that I said that out of insecurity. And so it went on. Every month or so it went on. Every conversation with him I felt like I had to be so careful around. But then he would change up and make me feel happy and so I suppressed it and really thought I was in love. I wanted to get married (rukhsati) to him coming summer because I wanted to live my married life. Also, I mean I was about to graduate college, tired of my family and my dad especially and really wanted to get out the house and I saw him as my gateway. I really felt like no I can change him. But every time he argues with me and insulted me, I felt like ending things, my real feelings were too hard to put away then. So around my birthday in April, he got mad at me again because I posted a picture he didn’t like. He called me stupid, said I didn’t know anything and after doing istikhara and talking things over I realized I really didn’t want this at all. I told him I wanted a divorce and from that month to now I have fought and argued with my family and finally, they have accepted what I want.
Why am I telling this? Because this right here was a year of hell, of toxins. I was a fool, I was very dumb for thinking this is all okay. We brown girls don’t really have healthy marriages to look up to, I def didn’t. We think emotional abuse is okay because it’s become so normal in our communities when it isn’t. So listen up, it’s okay to get a divorce. A man isn’t worth it, a marriage isn’t worth it if there’s no respect, if you are running in circles. He has said sorry but that doesn’t mean he won’t do this again. How do I know that? Because despite him saying sorry, he still blamed me. So stand up for yourself, you’re not alone and you deserve a healthy love, a healthy marriage not a toxic one. Let’s end this cycle, let’s make sure the future generations have a healthy marriage to look at not a toxic one.
