#swishbeam

Swishbeam had needed to reassure his family a dozen times before leaving the tunnels that he wouldn't wander far from camp. Eddymist had struggled with letting any of them out of her sight, ever fussing over him and their remaining kits, even as she struggled to leave their nest or eat. Jumble and Peak were sitting with her, and Rainmask had gotten her thinking about how she was going to be a grandmother soon so he'd felt safe going out to get some air. 

He loved his family with every breath he had, but losing Moonheart and his little niece in quick succession, then needing to cope with his own grief while trying to support his mate and little brother… sometimes you just needed to get away. 

His other family had been as supportive as they could be, and he appreciated them, he really did… but the sadness had turned to numbness over the days and he was starting to feel angry at the fussing. Mom didn't intend to smother, she just worried, but thankfully he could redirect her to Bluefeather pretty easily. He was harder hit than any of them, understandably so. Eddy had already lost kits before, and he'd mourned with her after Berrypatch had been killed in the cave in, then again when they'd confirmed Willowdew would never return home. 

Daisysnap hadn't been fussing, almost worse, he'd been avoiding them. Swishbeam knew his little brother enough to know he was blaming himself. He was shutting down emotionally and focusing entirely on his and Ferretlily's patients, only slipping in to check on them. He slipped poppy seeds into Bluefeather's prey a few times when the nightmares started up again, and left others in a little cluster near Swishbeam and Eddymist's nest alongside a few particularly plump mice or shrews. Swish didn't have it in him to check on Daisy, and that ate at him, but he just couldn't add another cat to worry about. He'd mentioned the guilt to Ferretlily once only for her to insist he focus on himself and his mate and kits. She'd told him that Daisysnap was a grown cat now, and if he was struggling he knew who to go to for help, but she'd be looking out for him. 

Swishbeam gave himself a full body shake, the air was sticky with greenleaf heat as newleaf gave in and faded. He padded towards the riverside, hoping the breeze off the water would cool him enough, but figuring he'd wade for a bit, maybe do some fishing to get his mind off of things. 

The fish were further out from the shore, feeding on small bugs and occasional dragonflies in the midday sun, so Swishbeam sighed and settled along the water's edge, tail and paws sitting in the current and ears drooping to the sides, only listening to the drone of insects, the chirp of birds, and the soothing trickle of the river. He felt a little guilty, he shouldn't be relaxing when his mate and family were back at camp struggling. But he knew well that grief was complicated, that it ebbed and flowed like the river at his paws, and that he couldn't take care of his family if he was just tired and angry all the time. 

His thoughts were interrupted by the sound of a bird's alarm call, the sudden flutter of many wings as a group alighted into the trees. He lifted his head, ears coming to attention but not alarmed yet, and heard a faint hiss as someone cursed the bird's alert. 

Someone who sounded… familiar. Swishbeam frowned, head tilting to the side in hopes to better hear the muttering frustration. The voice was familiar but not one he heard every day… a tom from the pitch. 

“You're lucky I'm old, feathered bastards.” Swish realized the voice almost at the same time that he spotted white and grey fur appearing amidst the underbrush, his whole body going tense. “... should at least get a drink. Still have a ways to go- oh.” Rattail, who he hadn't seen in… seasons. They'd passed two leaf bares since he'd been lost… the same day they'd lost Willowdew and Rookrise.

“Swishbeam?” Rattail was squinting a little, his eyes were cloudier than they'd been, and Swish suspected it made his sight worse. 

“Yeah. Yeah it's me, Rattail… you're… actually here right? Not some Starclan visit set to the wrong cat?” He pulled himself to his paws, the bit of hope blossoming in his chest fighting with the apathy and despair that had set up camp. 

Rattail huffed a laugh, then with a loud purr he set upon Swish, one massive foreleg pulling him close and a cheek pressing into the top of his head, rumbling hard enough Swish felt like he was shaking… or maybe he was shaking because he felt his own purr start to answer as that blossom bloomed in full, pressing into the older tom with a thrill of delight. For all the heartbreak they went through, all those they had lost, hope was still there, Mom made it home, she brought Timbergrass, Burdock made it home and was thriving, and now Rattail! 

“I can't believe it took you 10 seasons to get back.” He joked, pulling back to give Rattail a smile, still weak but a genuine smile. The older tom grinned back, a soft look in his eyes. 

“Star's damned Twolegs took me far away. Kept me locked up until greenleaf, and as you love to remind me, I'm old. Don't travel as fast. Holed up with a couple loners over leafbare… is… who's…?” He trailed off, tail lashing with anxiety as he avoided looking at Swishbeam. Swish knew what he was asking, being gone for that long you couldn't assume there was anyone to come back to. 

“Seedgorse and Beaverfleck are doing great. We lost Waterstep, greencough the leafbare before last, and Owlspirit, but Timber came home at the end of last leafbare! Mom brought her home.” Rattail sagged in a mix of grief and relief. Swishbeam hated that he understood that grief, to a degree, seeing Rattail come to terms with knowing he'd never get to reunite with one if his sons, one of his grandkits... but there was a hint of something else there, guilt.

“I always hoped… Stars Swish I'm so sorry I couldn't get her away from the twolegs. I can't imagine, with your Ma sick and all…” Swishbeam's heart clenched a little without familiar grief, scarred and healed over now. 

“... I know you tried your best, Rattail, never doubted for a second. You weren't the only ones, or even the last one, the twolegs too. A couple of them made it home, we got word of a few we lost before they could come home… Willowdew didn't make it back, but she's here in spirit.” Rattail's eyes were closed tight, trying to hold back the tears. “Come on. There'll be plenty of time to mourn and learn about everything you missed. Let's get you home. Bea and Seed are going to lose it, and I know Ferretlily will be thrilled.” The blue eyes that met his were watery, but Rattail smiled and nodded as Swish guided him to stand. He was glad, then, that Eddymist had made him promise to stay close, as he saw the shaky exhaustion in Rattail's limbs. The old tom must have been traveling non stop for days, moons even. Thankfully it wasn't far before the main entrance came into view, and Rattail stopped, staring in shock. Swishbeam could only imagine what was going through his mind, the shock that he'd actually made it, after so long. Swishbeam smiled, a little sad, but feeling lighter than he had in moons as he stepped forward, glancing over his shoulder. 

“Welcome home, old man. Hope you remember the way through.” Rattail's eyes shone as he laughed, a bright grin blooming on his face as he stood.