Night Swan, Quiet Rosy Moon, Red Water, 2023, by Ann Craven

Dish from the Meissen "Swan Service," 1738

It all kinda began when I was very small and I found the Ugly Duckling fairy tale

(If for some reason you are not familiar, it's about this family of ducks. One of the duckling is very different from the others and considered ugly by the general population which makes him miserable but he eventually grows up into a gorgeous swan and finds out he was never ugly, he just wasn't one of them all along. Very briefly, that's it)

I don't know why, but that story always stuck with me and, as the years went by and life happened, I found myself identifying with the Ugly Dyckling a lot

The truth is, I was heavily bullied throughout most of my life. From kinder garden to perhaps 10th/11th grade

It wasn't only words or being excluded by the other kids. It was actually extreme. I was beaten up, kicked, locked in places, spat on, got death threats, a kid actually tried to drown me in a pool once, I got anonymous letters asking me to kill myself in my backpack and was psychologically tormented for most of my formative years. It stopped in 11th grade cause in 12th grade I technically left regular school and started studying at night in a special adult class and working during the day.

I was conditioned to see myself as trash, ugly, worthless, pathetic, and like I would never amount to anything my whole life

My main self defense mechanism was humor and sarcasm and that's why I've always been the funny one in every friend group I've always been in (and I'm very proud of being the funny one still, mind you. My humor is pristine)

Having my first relationship and being cheated on did not help.

I label all those years as my Ugly Duckling phase

After 12th grade, even before I came to college, I started to blossom. I actually found my style, I cut and dyed my hair, I chose a new name and fully came out as a genderfluid lesbian and stopped hiding the traits people used to dislike about me (ex: getting overly excited over anything or talking too fast or being overall too "eccentric" or "weird"). Most of that thanks to Freddie Mercury and characters like Crowley. They wouldn't look at me weird if I started clapping and getting excited over something silly or if I was a bit more extravagant. After all: if you have to do it, do it with style

I've had some bumps in the road due to my mental health and more tragically failed relationships but I've been discovering myself and using my strengths and even my weaknesses to my advantages

I would consider I'm in my transitional period into a swan. A beautifully queer and eccentric swan. And I'll fully get there eventually

The Ugly Duckling tale is my tale, technically. I am not weird, I was just surrounded by the wrong people and in the wrong place

That's why I'm so attached to swans

Also, they mate for life and, welp, so do I - or, at least, I try. So far my tries haven't been reciprocated by someone and honestly I don't care

I just see a lot of myself in them. They are quite literally my spirit animal. Also, they are gorgeous! How could I not be obcessed with them?