Remembering when I realized I had depression
Remembering
What people don't understand is how this DISEASE hits. How till the day your glass shatters you don't recall ever being different, sad, or waking up and sighing that you ever did.
The thing is, I don't recall living this way 2 years ago. Like someone who overnight lost their eyesight, I lost my glow and the essence that was me. It teases me, recalling the past where waking up with a smile and joy came so easily. Back when I never had to worry about having an attack and fade away around friends.
Slowly though I became to realize that I was living in denial. I would yell to myself "NO! Everyone gets sad, I am just weak! Just smile...I am a happy person so I can't be depressed....Just smile, just laugh"
More denial .... more and more and more
Panic attacks, tears, and undeniable stress would haunt my thoughts if alone, but that happens to everyone right? That is what friends are for?
But...soon I gave in
*Swallow*
I took my first depression pill to prove to myself if I was ok or not, "No it won't help, I am just stressed and everything is OK. I can't be depressed"
That was when all the demons went away. I no longer needed a brown bag to breathe or distractions to make it to the next day. For a few months a small white pill became my friend. My cat died *swallow* Family fighting *swallow* Wake up *swallow* It was salvation
Until.....It was gone
Now I can no longer swallow. The white pill took me down a quick and abrupt rabbit hole of the worst depression I ever suffered. The white pill betrayed me! It amplified my depression. Leaving me to fight alone.
Everyday is a battle and right now and I never felt more alone. Without the white pill and stable life...Without someone to trust. The temptation to fasten my hourglass dangles before me. It wouldn't take much. I can't though...Not enough courage flows through me and thoughts of slight joy keep my heart beating. Friends, Love, Opportunities keep me going. Keep my sands flowing.
I will live another day