#suicide--

at some point i became xena (warrior princess). i was trying to figure out how to save this world when i got into a fight with one of the brainwashed people and ended up accidentally knocking gabrielle (also from xena) into a pipe that impacted her forehead and killed her instantly.

i was devastated and panicked, but i knew i would get her back in the next cycle. i decided that being with her was more important than saving this world, which i deemed beyond saving, or at least beyond my power to save. i reanimated her body using one of the brainwashing machines so that i could bring her with me to the grocery store. she followed me, zombie-like, as i hurried through the aisles, looking for the one thing that would save me from this world and bring us together into the next. we've died together before, but i've never been the one to kill her, and it hurts more than anything has ever hurt.

i found what i was looking for - a small selection of guns right up by the register. i grabbed a handgun and some bullets and went to check out. some guy stopped me and told me that i had the wrong bullets for the type of gun i was trying to buy. i was frustrated. this was taking too long. i wanted to get this over with so i could leave this terrible world and be with gabrielle again.

i want to be clear, i was set on killing myself, but only because i knew it was impossible for me to die, at least not permanently. as soon as i died in this world, both she and i would be brought into the next, and the cycle would continue. i just couldn't bear to stick around in this world any longer, with all the guilt of having killed my best friend and being unable to undo the wrongs that had been done in this place.

yeah, I mean, can’t argue with that. we already knew about Mana’s dad, obviously, but even if our current understanding of events is accurate, that flashback made it look like Yukina was in a lot of pain, too. and also possessed, apparently, at least for a bit? poor everyone.

wait--what? okay, hot take, but that doesn’t line up w--

so from sunday morning to wednesday morning (18th-21st February) i was in emergency at a hospital after overdosing (specifically, paracetamol, which really fucks up your liver, something you can’t live without).

honestly i regretted doing the terrible deed on the saturday, thinking i’ll be fine. but no, the vomiting was so bad i was spewing out literally just water that i was drinking.

i didn’t want to go to hospital, thinking i’d be alright, also half hoping i would actually die. days ago, i alerted my followers and both tumblr and twitter of my future death, and didn’t respond until i actually got sick. 

i did not expect to see such an amazing flow of care and concern from people who i thought were sick of me. they were practically begging me to call 000 nonstop, saying how they don’t want a dead friend. i broke down, not realising how the love was obviously right in my face.

now, while the doctors and nurses were extremely helpful and sweet, and the food wasn’t half-bad (from my experience), hospitals are not fun. 

you will get hooked up to a drip, you will get constant blood tests, woken up to check your pressure, surrounding by other sick patients, many of them arguing to leave, snoring, or even very violent. unless you didn’t bring anything with you like a phone, you will get bored.

i broke down endlessly, knowing i wasn’t going to go home for a while, that my body wasn’t reacting to the life-saving infusion, that patients were yelling, that i had to get blood tests. it is not fun!!!

if you want to die, please reconsider. if you overdose or self harm in any way, please contact your emergency number (whether it be 000, 911, 999 or whatever your country has). the sooner you call, the sooner you can be treated! [it was almost too late for me, not calling until the very next day.]

i know hospitals aren’t pleasant, but neither is suffering or dying! no one wants you to die! 

not to mention, depending on where you live, hospitals can be very expensive! i probably shouldn’t talk since where i live i didn’t pay anything for my care but i know its a serious concern in other countries about costly hospital visits, so please consider that as well. but above all else, THINK ABOUT YOUR HEALTH.

whoever you are, people love you! they worry and care for you! i know venting can be difficult, and when you want to reach out your brain responds like “no that’s manipulative and you should feel bad” but ask! just ask if you can vent to someone, anyone you know that loves you, and seek help if possible. if you can’t see a psychologist/counsellor/therapist [it depends on where you live/what age you are/money] please seek out to a loved one, or even contact a helpline/lifeline for free! [in aus. they are free, unsure about other countries].