#self harm--

so from sunday morning to wednesday morning (18th-21st February) i was in emergency at a hospital after overdosing (specifically, paracetamol, which really fucks up your liver, something you can’t live without).

honestly i regretted doing the terrible deed on the saturday, thinking i’ll be fine. but no, the vomiting was so bad i was spewing out literally just water that i was drinking.

i didn’t want to go to hospital, thinking i’d be alright, also half hoping i would actually die. days ago, i alerted my followers and both tumblr and twitter of my future death, and didn’t respond until i actually got sick. 

i did not expect to see such an amazing flow of care and concern from people who i thought were sick of me. they were practically begging me to call 000 nonstop, saying how they don’t want a dead friend. i broke down, not realising how the love was obviously right in my face.

now, while the doctors and nurses were extremely helpful and sweet, and the food wasn’t half-bad (from my experience), hospitals are not fun. 

you will get hooked up to a drip, you will get constant blood tests, woken up to check your pressure, surrounding by other sick patients, many of them arguing to leave, snoring, or even very violent. unless you didn’t bring anything with you like a phone, you will get bored.

i broke down endlessly, knowing i wasn’t going to go home for a while, that my body wasn’t reacting to the life-saving infusion, that patients were yelling, that i had to get blood tests. it is not fun!!!

if you want to die, please reconsider. if you overdose or self harm in any way, please contact your emergency number (whether it be 000, 911, 999 or whatever your country has). the sooner you call, the sooner you can be treated! [it was almost too late for me, not calling until the very next day.]

i know hospitals aren’t pleasant, but neither is suffering or dying! no one wants you to die! 

not to mention, depending on where you live, hospitals can be very expensive! i probably shouldn’t talk since where i live i didn’t pay anything for my care but i know its a serious concern in other countries about costly hospital visits, so please consider that as well. but above all else, THINK ABOUT YOUR HEALTH.

whoever you are, people love you! they worry and care for you! i know venting can be difficult, and when you want to reach out your brain responds like “no that’s manipulative and you should feel bad” but ask! just ask if you can vent to someone, anyone you know that loves you, and seek help if possible. if you can’t see a psychologist/counsellor/therapist [it depends on where you live/what age you are/money] please seek out to a loved one, or even contact a helpline/lifeline for free! [in aus. they are free, unsure about other countries].

If Only-

lost, floating,

stuck inside a mirror.

look around, come unbound,

it has never been clearer.

they still have the scars

of wars past, loneliness,

being left out.

if only.

little kids, blade in hand

trying to avenge themselves

never being able to stop the endless cycle

of pain that surrounds the murky waters of life.

if only.

if only there were a kind word

from a kind face,

maybe it could be stopped

but instead,

only hatred.

if only.

if only there were someone to reach out to,

maybe instead of these children slipping,

slipping through the cracks in the walls of schools,

slipping right past our fingertips,

they would be caught.

they could be saved.

if only.

if only there was something to stop their rapid descent

the rules could be,

should be,

can be bent

into something new,

something true

something, anything, to help them.

if only.

if only we would stop looking into our our mirror,

at our own reflection,

maybe we could see.