#stupiddreams

Anyway, last night I dreamt I was at my parents house. I think I was younger. I don't live there anymore. My cat who has passed was there. I had to have her put down just over two years ago. The vet said she either had developed a neurological disorder or it was cancer. Either way it wasn't treatable and she was suffering.

In my dream, she was a juvenile again so her fur was shorter and lighter. She was a ragdoll cat and they get darker as they get older. I walked over to her and laid on the floor. I scooped her towards me so my arms surrounded her. We were face to face looking in each other's eyes.

Then, in my mind she said: I miss you.

It melted my heart. In my mind, I said: I miss you, too. Then, I woke up.

I cried for a while and it's making me cry writing about it. She wasn't super affectionate and I always felt like she would have been happier with a different owner. She was kind of bitchy and particular. When she got old she was really cranky. But she was part of my family for fourteen years. I love her. I do miss her a lot.

nope. still don’t like running. 

but i had horrible dreams last night and just decided to put on shoes and go for a run. i dreamt about walking over shattered glass, flat shards that didn’t cut my feet. as i looked down at them they seemed like pebbles, i was mad they were there, i was mad i had to walk over them, i was mad someone broke glass. i picked up a piece - it was oblong, like a parallelogram i thought. i held it tight in my hand, indignant in my anger, feeling self righteous - how could THEY? 

another sleep cycle or two later, easily after 515am (i know this because i looked before i fell asleep again). i’m going in to a grocery store withe my sister and her granddaughter, we buy candy at one of those quarter clicky turny things, with the metal red lids. we are shopping, we meet a handsome clerk - i make the observation that we are all wearing denim and we laugh. i feel a hot rush of embarrassment? anxiety? i feel like i need to leave, go, run. i find a room, like a changing room in a clothing store. i try to lift my top off - maybe if i take this layer off it i will cool off, something will change, i will be settled. but i can’t get it off my torso, can’t lift it any higher than my chest. it’s tight, tighter, i can’t get my arms to move to pull it up and off or down. it feels desperate, claustrophobic, is this how i will be found- strangled by my own clothing? i try again - duck my head down, throw my arms up, the top moves over my mouth and i inhale the fiber of the fabric - i wake with a gasp to morning light. it’s 711am. dammit i have an hour more i can sleep if i try... i’m determined at that moment to get up and run today.

on my excursion today i find a walking path “now open! walking path! and scenic bridge!” it’s less than impressive, but i get a cool photo. and disturbingly i find a tree stump with pieces of glass sitting on top of it, like a forrest shrine. a green piece, a clear bumped bottom of a bottle, two others. i walk a few steps forward and find a milky shard, lightly sticky with mud from the rains yesterday. i place it on the alter. i’ll come back again.