#ihaterunning

nope. still don’t like running. 

but i had horrible dreams last night and just decided to put on shoes and go for a run. i dreamt about walking over shattered glass, flat shards that didn’t cut my feet. as i looked down at them they seemed like pebbles, i was mad they were there, i was mad i had to walk over them, i was mad someone broke glass. i picked up a piece - it was oblong, like a parallelogram i thought. i held it tight in my hand, indignant in my anger, feeling self righteous - how could THEY? 

another sleep cycle or two later, easily after 515am (i know this because i looked before i fell asleep again). i’m going in to a grocery store withe my sister and her granddaughter, we buy candy at one of those quarter clicky turny things, with the metal red lids. we are shopping, we meet a handsome clerk - i make the observation that we are all wearing denim and we laugh. i feel a hot rush of embarrassment? anxiety? i feel like i need to leave, go, run. i find a room, like a changing room in a clothing store. i try to lift my top off - maybe if i take this layer off it i will cool off, something will change, i will be settled. but i can’t get it off my torso, can’t lift it any higher than my chest. it’s tight, tighter, i can’t get my arms to move to pull it up and off or down. it feels desperate, claustrophobic, is this how i will be found- strangled by my own clothing? i try again - duck my head down, throw my arms up, the top moves over my mouth and i inhale the fiber of the fabric - i wake with a gasp to morning light. it’s 711am. dammit i have an hour more i can sleep if i try... i’m determined at that moment to get up and run today.

on my excursion today i find a walking path “now open! walking path! and scenic bridge!” it’s less than impressive, but i get a cool photo. and disturbingly i find a tree stump with pieces of glass sitting on top of it, like a forrest shrine. a green piece, a clear bumped bottom of a bottle, two others. i walk a few steps forward and find a milky shard, lightly sticky with mud from the rains yesterday. i place it on the alter. i’ll come back again.

her: are you breathing heavy? did i interrupt something?!

me: no... just walking, and out of breath.

her: Oh that's so great! i love running, it tones up everything, and gets you so firm! we should schedule a time for us to workout together!

me: absolutely not.

her: yay! let's look at - wait - what?

me: absolutely not.

her: i thought you were going to say absolutely yes! why?

me: because you are good at it, and i hate it.

her: oh. then... okay... so...

me: how's work?

(*insert other small talk)

her: so, i should let you get back to your walking! call you later! love you!

...

It’s now been another two years since I was on here. (Helloooooo hypomania.) Before I go back and fill in all the pieces, how about a rant from today?

I started a coach to 5k -ish type thing today. Because my new psych doc told me to. And I kinda feel like he’s right, and I also kinda hate him for it. Apparently running is good for overall brain health... I’m sure there’s research somewhere (feel free to share what you got). He changed some of my meds (increased and added) - which I totally agree with, no beef there. He seems like a good fit - and after a year of being without a psych, that is no small feat. 

And now, here I am, eating my peanut butter toast, and dark chocolate covered bananas, sipping a (homemade) iced vanilla latte, deciding I want to get back to journaling. Writing. Whatever you wanna call it.  Basically, I just want to have a place to vent about how much I super duper HATE running. 

There. I said it. I hate running. I hate putting on the Costume of running - too tight pants that cut in to my stomach. Do I wear underwear? Sports bras constricting my chest, too thin straps digging in at my shoulders. Who knows what top layer to wear - more too tight long sleeves, or just a racer back tee, under a puffy coat (that apparently No, I’m NOT supposed to wear that... whatever).

This won’t be ALLLLL complaining. Mostly, but not all. 

I like the bright florescent colors of my pants, that I have cool socks to wear, and my shoes are almost new. I like knowing I did it - as little as I feel I actually accomplished today - I did SOMETHING today. I liked the shower. I liked that I took time to put on face cream - oh shit, I forgot to put on deodorant. I like that for now this is my little secret - only two other adults know about this, and one I live with so hiding it would be difficult ;) The other one, Scoop - you know who you are - has been a solid supporter of this next endeavor. We’ve decided in a weird way that he will live his lost running life vicariously through me. Oh - and, I mean, this could be a thing - I like that my wedding dress will fit better if I keep this running thing up (and the aforementioned man in my life is super excited to see how it affects, um, my wardrobe... we’ll say wardrobe. 

More negatives, for funsies: 

I hate that I clench my jaw when I run. Since I started running back in 2009 I used to say “running is bad for my teeth” because I would clamp them down so hard I was afraid I would crack them.. I cannot tell you how many times I have bitten my tongue whilst running. The taste of metal and "working out” go hand in hand in my brain. 

I hate that I forget to bring things. By that I mean I am always surprised at how woefully underprepared I am when I head out the door. Tissues- forgot. Earbuds that fit in my coat - nope. Charge the phone - totally did but then forgot to put it on low battery mode and it died only ten minutes in. Headband ear warmer - again, nope. Left that in my car, that I walked past on the way. Ah- deodorant. Yep. Forgot that too. Not that I need it, I have that weird gene that my sweat doesn’t smell bad - look it up, it’s a thing. Warm up stretch - shit. I mean, I stretched in bed before I got up, and had to bend over to put on my shoes - that counts for half, right?

I hate the headache I get after. I don’t drink enough water, that’s on me. But for as long as I can remember I’ve always had headaches after exercising - whatever form it may be: swimming, yoga, sex, hiking, roller skating, dancing... always a headache after strenuous physical activity. Water. I’m sure water is the answer. Also 

I hate water. And I know I need it. blahhhhhhhhhhh. This has nothing really to do with starting running, but I thought I’d throw it in there.

I’m having a hard time understanding the “runners high” concept. I don’t ever remember having that. Even with two 5ks behind me, and all the practice runs leading up to them.... I was proud of us for DOing them (me and the kiddo), I was blissfully happy to have them BEHIND me. The endorphin rush I’ve heard about and read about doesn’t ever seem to come my way. I wonder if that’s related to my botched biochemistry, my headaches, my bipolar.... or am I just not doing it right?

For now, one day down. I sure as hell hope my Fitbit tracked today. Shit. Imma go check.

Later peeps.