#iwillgetthere

REAL TALK - had the worst anxiety attack in a while yesterday. I just felt so anxious and it all had to do with that one thing; my dead pancreas, a.k.a. diabetes. Lately my bgs have been a rollercoaster and I am working hard to get them in control again, but college takes a lot of my energy as well so it’s not likely that this problem will go away in a day.  My sensors stopped working (I have to wait a week for replacements) and I have a limited supply of testrips. It is not healthy to think about your bg 24/7, but with my sensor I felt so safe knowing what my bg was 24/7. It’s not, because it definitely made me over-inject insuline sometimes or over-eating because I thought I was going too low and then I ended up with a high bg. So thinking about all this, the anxiety began.

This morning I woke up with new energy. I wanted to order new testrips and other medical stuff when my pharmacy ended up being a ***. They said I couldn’t order because I ordered too much last month which is quite fair because that is the truth but still - I needed some. Argument went down but after calling my hospital all was well (well sort of, I atleast could order one box ). I do know one thing - going to that pharmacy was a mistake, so I immediately called my old diabetec pharmacy and went back to them. Their customer service is just so much better and they understand my situation.  I am proud of myself for staying calm, but I do have a lot of work to do. 

Conclusion - diabetes and anxiety is the worst combination but - I will not let this disease control my life. (And yes, I need to check my bloodsugar less. Which is very scary for me, but checking your bg 10-12 times a day isn’t good for your mind either. (5-8 times is normal))

@shapeyoursmile , @bubbly-blonde  @gonewiththewind91 all tagged me in a SDS a while back so here is FINALLY my selfie as promised!! I look like shit, but hey - I’m alive and breathing, that’s what matters.

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Alright - so a little update. Lately things have been rough mentally and physically. I can’t get my bloodsugars the way I want them to. My relationship with food has gotten worse, which doesn’t help with good bloodsugars, and because of that my anxiety has gotten worse. I panick on a daily basis, constantly thinking about what my bloodsugar is doing, scared of highs and lows (my bg is mostly high though) My body has gotten so used to high bloodsuagrs that if my bg is in a healthy range I feel light headed, I get shaky. It’’s just my body getting used to normal bg’s but it feels horrible and doesn’t help with my anxiety problem. I told my doctor about this and he just told me to push through. It will get better, I will feel better but that needs time. Months, to be exact.

I have diabetes for 13 years now, I got it when I was 7. I was just a kid. My mother would do everything so I didn’t really feel ‘sick’. Everything changed when I went to high school. Suddenly I was that ‘weird kid’, and I didn’t want to feel left out so I just ignored my disease. My bloodsugars were horrible, also I think that that was the time I started binging. When I went to college I (finally) realised that if I continued this unhealthy behaviour that my life wouldn’t end healthy and happy. From then it went on and off. There were times were everything was great and my bg’s were good. And there were days that I just didn’t care about my health. 

Dealing with new long-working insuline, trying to find a good ratio (counting carbs, how many insuline I need) I’m thinking - shit I’m going to deal with this for the rest of my life. - And then I hit me - I never accepted my disease. And that makes me feel so fucking depressed. I never really talk about it with my friends, even though they accept it, know about it and support me (in some way) but I never really open up about the mental aspect. 

So yeah - that’s whats been on my mind lately. That’s why I was gone from tumblr for a few weeks, I was just done with everything. Being diabetic is a 24/7 job, it never ends and that sucks. But, we are fucking strong. That strenght that is in me somewhere is what got me through, hoping for better days. Sure, there will always be good days and bad days in a life of a diabetic but shit - this really needs to stop before I really let this disease control my life. I have diabetes, Diabetes doesn’t own me.

REAL TALK - Hey guys, sorry that I’ve been so silent this week. I started this week with a mental breakdown. I had ran out of teststrips and was freaking out. The pharmacy wouldn’t give me any new ones unless I payed for them and in all the panic I called my mom, explained everything in tears. See, I checked my bloodsugar sooo many times this past month. that I used all the amount of teststrips that my insurance allows. Which is A LOT. That night my mom and I had a good conversation, and she’s helping me now. (She even paid one box for me, bless her) 

And I’m telling you guys, my bloodsugars have been AMAZING the last couple of days! I feel so stupid now for not calling out for help earlier.  It does takes a lot of energy from me, getting used to normal bloodsugars again. My body is so used to high bg’s that it feels like some kind of detox right now. I am eating healthy and enough though so I hope that this feeling will disappear soon. I’’ll start working out again next week so I hope that helps as wel with my energy in general. 

The past months felt like I was stuck in my life, my mental state. But now, I finally feel like I’m moving forward again.  College started this week as well, which is also a lot to take in, but so far I’m liking it. 

I’m smiling so big right now. Life does gets better guys, we just need to be patient. ;)

Step 2 was getting the temptations out of the house by the date i wanted to start my journey. January 1, 2024.

Well i still have my weed and booze but not much so i figured why not finish it and not buy more 🤷‍♀️

Today the booze made me sick and well ive had 3 bowls of ramen noodles because i have munchies 🙃

Posting here for the before and afters i wanna show the truth.

My body doesnt like this anymore it becomes easier every time i drink.

Im ready to let go and be healthy. Agh you have no idea.