#stuff i learned

Dont act based on the results you want. 

Don't focus on the outcome...don't twist and bend to act based on the outcome you want and outcomes you want to avoid. Do something because you want it internally and accept whatever outcomes arise and take responsibility. Cuz then you know you were authentic to yourself. Don’t force it.

I do this all the time. To avoid failure and losses. Recently, I tried to make content based on the positive reactions I wanted from others instead of making content I liked because I liked making it. 

And for people: to avoid getting hurt. I try to get the upper hand and know everything by overanalyzing others (and their astrology chart lol) and try to act to force a positive outcome I want. My soul gets buried and I end up not acting from my heart. This leads me to my next point:

Don't try to overanalyze others' hidden motives and feelings. 

Instead, analyze yourself. What do you want? How do you really feel? How does this affect you? Then act accordingly. 

A recent example was when a new friend did something that made me feel uncomfortable. So I distanced myself from her for a few weeks and decided I didn't want this friendship too close. But, recently I reached out to say hi and give her book back. I started analyzing her responses and reactions. It seems like she's keeping a distance from me. Why does her tone seem off? Why does she seem all weird? Does she want to phase me out too? Or is she testing me and I have to "prove myself" to be her friend? What is it? Because I may change my decision if I can analyze and discover her emotions and motives that are unknown/unexpressed to me. 

No. Regardless of whatever she is thinking, I should listen to myself and go with what I want and how I feel. I should only factor in the other party if it's made known by clear communication.

Being in a codependent abusive environment growing up, I lost my voice and this ability to value and listen to myself. I'm learning how to be loyal to myself and be on my own side. 

Overanalyzing others can be damaging to relationships

This is because you make assumptions and fill in the blanks with your perspectives. And if you fill in those blanks with actions you would not have otherwise taken, then you can end up damaging relationships. I lost the timing of a good relationship with someone recently because I tried to overanalyze his mind and acted in a certain way to match my analysis (assumption) instead of just acting from my heart. 

I tried to force an outcome instead of just being myself. Because I am/was insecure. Insecure about acting upon my true self, my real feelings, my real wants -- would lead to a loss or hurt, and then blame/shame on myself that I CAUSED this outcome ("it's my fault" - the effect of trauma). But life is teaching me that this is not true. 

Relationships are Mirrors

If you look close enough, you can see that a relationship or interaction with someone will show you why you do the things you do. What you lack. What issues you have. What you’re scared of.

You don't lose the game just because you showed interest

In the world of push/pull in relationships, and all those mind game/rules on who calls/texts first when you meet someone new... this is important to remember. Putting yourself out there and being honest is not something bad. Those who look down on it ... do you really want to be with that kind of person? This is harder in Korea where there are cultural things that get in the way. 

People chase after what's safe

In psychology, they say you end up in relationships that are similar to the dynamic you have with your parents. Because that's familiar to you. What's familiar is safe. Even if familiarity means abusive or unhealthy. It still feels weirdly 'safe' to be in an unhealthy dynamic that has been all you've ever known... than to branch out and try a different one. This explains why I go for unavailable guys (emotionally or physically). Or why people just go back to their ex. It honestly freaks me out and makes me uncomfortable to think about being in a secure stable relationship because new foreign things are scary. 

If you’re trying to get better at networking/people skills/influencing/being a better member of A Society™ read How to Win Friends and Influence People. I listened to the audiobook of that and it was like a kind grandpa giving really good advice and telling genuinely interesting stories about meeting some of the most influential Americans of his time (Charles Schwab, Edison and Franklin D. Roosevelt).  Whereas listening to the Seven Habits being read by the author himself was torture. I had to turn the playback speed to 1.6 times faster just for him to sound like he was talking at a regular pace. You can hear how freaking stuck up he is in the audiobook it’s disgusting.

mental health is just as important as physical health and mental problems could literally reach anyone, even your favorite artists

even your favorite artists can be gross and do illegal things that do harm to innocent people

i could literally travel  by myself for hours for a girl if i like her despite having to fight anxiety

going to therapy is not something you should be ashamed of

your friends and you are gonna change no matter what

i’m more needy for attention, affection and sex more than i ever thought

playing music can relieve a lot of stress

listening to music inspires me even at 2 am

friends are gonna come and go, most people are temporary in your life

heartbreak can damage your mental and physical health

loneliness can be even more toxic when you lose someone important

I rang in the new year with a head cold and laryngitis, so setting goals and looking back on all the things I’ve learned over the past year have been on hold for the first week of ‘18. But here we are today!

It’s Monday, I’m 7 for 7 on my daily writing goals (more on that in another post) and in spite of 2017 being a slow, lackluster mess, I really did learn a bunch of important things I hope to carry with me into the new year! In no particular order:

1. I Can’t Do This Alone

Maybe this is a no-brainer for some people, but I spent almost all of 2016 and the early parts of ‘17 trying to be the most independent writer who ever independently writer’d. And then it was time to fill out my MFA applications, and guess what I needed? Three letters of recommendation. From people who were not that one friend I begged to read my second draft. And as I descended into my eyeballs in panic and frustration, I realized: of course, you goof! Even if it’s just you and your word processor at the desk day in and day out, your writing isn’t a one woman job. You needed people to learn from. Even if it was all books, advice posts, and trial and error, you needed the people who made those things. And now you need to share your work with some people for perspective. You’re going to need people to edit, challenge, and cheer you if you want your work to find a published home. 

Let me tell you, friends, it was a terrifying realization. I struggle with being vulnerable, and I fall into the trap of feeling terrible about not being able to handle things on my own more often than not. But here’s the thing. We all depend on each other for something. Life is less of a struggle when we work together. And making a connection with another human who knows the feeling of ‘it’s 2am and I’m paralyzed by all the narrative choices I could possibly make’ and actually thinks my niche gay story ideas are cool is a beautiful soul-lifting feeling that I never want to deprive myself of again. 

2. I can write short stories!

I don’t think the full extent of my angst for short fiction has ever made it to this blog, but it is deep. I had nightmares about having to cram my sprawling narrative arcs into six pages for class during college. Four expensive years in workshops and I managed to churn out O N E respectable story with a healthy dose of help from my instructor. It’s been a real ordeal. But this past fall, I put myself to the task again. Was ‘Robot Story’ an undergrad fluke, or did I have the chops to make this A Thing? To find out, I took a generative writing course, I followed some of the process tips @shaelinwrites gave in one of her videos, I set myself a deadline, and...I did it. I am a writer who can write short stories.

Is this a weird silly thing to be fixated on? Kinda. But we don’t always get to pick our complexes, folks. And now I have a new literary skill to hone.

3. Writing will never not be hard

Speaking of hard work, between chugging through my latest novel manuscript revisions and churning out an honest-to-god short story, I came to the acceptance we all have to face sooner or later: there is no such thing as ‘when this gets easier.’ It’s work. It’s fun, thrilling work that saves my sanity, but it’s work. It will always be work. And that’s okay.

4. Turn rejection into a game

I’ve seen this one peppered throughout several writeblrs, and with the completion of my short story last fall, I decided to put it into practice to see if it would take some of the sting out of rejection letters. And it did! Because of the way SFF publishing market is structured, I can only send out my story to one magazine at a time. Currently I’m up to 3, but you better believe I’m going to collect on the 20 rejection letters I promised myself. 

5. Education will always be important

As you might have noticed from my other points, I figured some of this stuff out because of awesome people who share their awesome knowledge on the internet, who teach classes open to local communities, who are generous with their exercises, and their time. Because when there is no ‘done’-ness to writing, the journey of learning is constant. There will always be something new to try, or something old to revisit because there’s only so much one brain can keep track of at a time. So whether it’s keeping a drawer full of exercises, an always-growing masterlist of tips, or finding a few affordable classes to take near by, it’s best to always be ready to learn.

6. Persist

At the end of the day when you look back on your WIP, you’re not going to be able to tell when the words were flowing like magic and when you were plucking out your sentences one key at a time. In the end, there’s just going to be stuff that works and stuff that doesn’t and it’s all going to have to be revised anyway. So for me, the takeaway is to stick to my regimen even when I’m not feeling it. Little steps add up, and sometimes you can get through your sprawling gothic adventure novel twice in one year without realizing it.  

7. Be open

Because of course! How is a girl supposed to find a kindred spirit if she keeps everything to herself all the time? If we are all in this together, and I do believe we are, then I have to speak up too. About my bad days, my good days, my random confessions and my idling ideas. About the things that matter, about myself, and everything in between. Sometimes it can lead to a better understanding. And even when it doesn’t, it’s always better to be seen than to render myself invisible.

Neural Tube Defects

Examples of neural tube defects: spina bifida, anencephaly, encephalocele, and iniencephaly

Can be reduced by folate supplementation

Patients with anencephaly or iniencephaly generally do not survive

Spina Bifida

Due to incomplete closure of the vertebra and membranes around the spinal cord

Divided into spina bifida occulta and spina bifida cystica (meningocele, myelomeningocele)

Antenally, there is elevated AFP in the blood or in amniocentesis, also can be detected by fetal ultrasound

Risk factors: folate deficiency, anticonvulsants, poorly controlled maternal diabetes, maternal obesity

Causes of meningocele (least common): sacro-coccygeal/pre-sacral tumors, Currarino syndrome

Myelomeningocele is the most severe, and spina bifida with myelocele is the most severe form of myelomeningocele with risk of meningitis

Chapter 11: Sleep Disorders

Stages of NREM sleep

Stage 1: loss of alpha waves (8-12Hz), predominantly theta waves

Stage 2: spindle waves (13-15Hz), K complexes (high voltage spikes)

Stage 3: high voltage, delta waves (0.5-3.0 Hz)

Stage 4: predominant delta waves

Duration of sleep

NREM: 6-6.5 hours (70-80 minutes in Stage 4)

REM: 1.5-2 hours

Onset of REM sleep is usually 90 minutes, but may be 7 minutes in depression, narcolepsy, or after sleep deprivation

Normal variants

Long-sleepers: more than 9 hours/night

Short-sleepers: less than 6 hours/night

Types of sleep disorders

Dyssomnia (timing, amount, quality of sleep): insomnia, hypersomnia, disorders of sleep-wake schedule

Parasomnia (stage-specific): stage 4 sleep disorders, other sleep disorders 

Insomnia

= sleep disturbance at least 3 times a week for at least 1 month

Causes: two types of periodic movements in sleep (PMS)

Periodic limb movement disorder (PLMD): sudden, repeated contraction (usually bilateral legs) followed by partial/complete arousal; unaware

Restless legs syndrome (RLS): moving about or standing provides relief of discomfort; aware

Benzodiazepines should not be used for more than 4-6 weeks at a time

Treatment

Difficulty initiating sleep (anxiety, dysthymia): short-acting BZ (e.g. lorazepam, temazepam, oxazepam)

Difficulty maintaining sleep (depression): long-acting BZ (e.g. nitrazepam, flurazepam, diazepam)

Non-BZ hypnotics: zolpidem, zopiclone, zalpelon, trazodone

Hypersomnia

= 1 or more of the following daily for at least 1 month

Excessive day time sleepiness

‘Sleep attacks’ during day time

‘Sleep drunkenness’

Causes: narcolepsy, sleep apnea, Kleine-Levin syndrome (hypersomnia + hyperphagia + hypersexuality)

Narcolepsy is characterized by the tetrad

Sleep attacks

Cataplexy

Hypnagogic hallucinations

Sleep paralysis

Treatment of narcolepsy: forced naps, stimulants, modafinil/antidepressants

Parasomnia

Stage 4 NREM parasomnias:

Sleepwalking (somnoambulism)

Sleep-terrors: does not remember

Sleep-related enuresis = bedwetting

Bruxim = teeth-grinding

Sleep-talking (somniloquy)

Treatment: benzodiazepines by suppressing Stage 4 NREM

Nightmares: patient remembers dream

Chapter 12: Eating Disorders and Postpartum Disorders

Anorexia Nervosa

Antipsychotics: olanzapine also improves weight gain but watch out for prolonged QTc

Antidepressants

Cyproheptadine: particularly helpful in inducing weight gain, decreasing depressive symptoms, and increasing appetite

Postpartum Disorders

0.2% mothers develop severe psychiatric symptoms, most commonly depressive episode with psychotic symptoms

Onset 3-7 days after delivery, peak by 4th week