#stillprocessing

October 11th appears to be a day celebrated all over for LGBTQIA+ folks to come out and be loud and proud. Unapologetically queer. You see rainbows all over and people sharing videos and posts coming out on social media all day. It feels like such a beautiful thing, and honestly it’s so beautiful to see so many people expressing themselves authentically. 

To understand the importance of this day, I want to talk a little about that closet. We refer to the closet when describing people telling another person that they identify as anything but heterosexual, therefore if no one knows, then one is in the closet. I lived 12-15 years (number keeps growing as some know about me and others assume I am straight) of my life in the closet, and I choose that number because I did not know I was even attracted to girls until I was in 2nd grade. I guess that was my first “coming out” moment. Crazy right? I wrote a female peer a letter telling her, basically, “I think you are pretty. I like you.” I guess words of affirmation was always my love language lol. But, back then my only fear in “coming out” was whether she liked me back. It was not until I was in 6th grade where I realized coming out had very strong consequences. Shame and embarrassment were at the root of me staying in the closet for the majority of my lifetime. I remember my family members saying negative things about gay people and being told that the worst thing I could do was be “gay, on drugs, or pregnant,” which I’d like to say at least I did not do 2/3 ha. I remember going to church and hearing my friends say things about other members that may be gay, the nasty looks given to queer people that would pierce my spirit every time I noticed and the list goes on and on. 

However, all of these reasons contributed to me quarantining myself in the closet since I was 10 years old. Living in the closet allowed me a sense of control over my environment. I always thought  “They cannot hate me if they didn’t know I was queer,” therefore I foolishly stayed in the closet to make them feel better about bashing people like me. I took the shame on myself for the sake of the world because I believed me loving someone that was the same gender would destroy my family and Christian friendships. I had this thought until I turned 24 years old last year and even now it still ruminates in my mind sometimes. However, the only thing staying in the closet did for me, in the long run, was suffocate me and restrict me from my full potential. I blocked love subconsciously because I was more consumed with how loving someone would make me appear to the world. I hid the love of my life from the world for fear of how I would be perceived, which is absolutely selfish. I lashed out on friends and family members, isolated myself often because I hated how they made me feel, thus becoming the angry black girl at age 11. The closet destroyed me. But, in a paradoxical way the pain from being in the closet taught me that I cannot and should not deny who I love and deny the love that runs through me. I realized that I do not have control over my environment and that everyone was living in their own closets as well, whether that be in their marriages, academics, insecurities in life, etc. Everyone has a closet, so why should I hate myself to make them experience a false happiness. 

Therefore I came out. It may be silly, but the first person I told was God. I remember praying everyday to take the gay away. “Lord, I don’t want to be this way. It shames you.” Even writing this reminds me of the agony and self-hatred I had. But, that was not me coming out to God. Me coming out was when I said “God, I love a woman and I am still in your image. Please bring me peace.” The next person I came out to was my best friend Alex, telling him I was in love with a woman named Tabitha, whom I’m getting married to in 2020 :). Then the next was Destani, then teammates, then the list goes on and on. 

For my LGBTQIA+ allies, understand that when we come out to you, it is after extensive research of what kind of person you are. We are constantly figuring out how you feel about us, monitoring how you may talk about queerness or engage in topics of queerness. We are always seeing if you are a safe or unsafe person. So with that being said, every person in the order I listed, was deemed as a safe person in which I did not feel I would bring pain to their lives by just loving. On the other hand, my family was the last to know, some not knowing until this year. 

I wish I could tell you that it was all bundles of roses and support coming out, but that would be a lie. See, National Coming Out Day can be this beautiful experience, and though closet felt like DEATH, coming out allowed those fears to become a reality. Me loving Tabitha was not welcome with open arms. I cried so much telling my family, that by the time I got to the last person, the one I was worried about the most, I had no more tears left to give. Now I want to also say that some family members did not care AT ALL and showered me with support. So that was lit. But the pain and shame from even 5 family members, was enough to destroy my spirit for awhile. I am still recovering. So, National Coming Out Day is both happy and traumatic for me. 

I also know this is a reality for so many other queer people, especially my people of color and Christian queer people. Some people may NEVER come out due to the TRUE fear of being disowned by family members and friends. Some desperately want to come out but the experienced love and support (even if not for whom they choose to love) means more to them, and that is okay too. We praise coming out, but honestly it is also exhausting because National Coming Out Day also means “Today I am choosing to love myself, yet simultaneously opening the door for others to judge me in my celebration,” which happens every single time we meet someone new. But the power to say “No, I’m not going back in the closet” is absolutely powerful, as well as saying “I love myself enough to not want to deal with public judgment so I won’t say anything.”  We live in a world where both can exist.

Lastly, I am still processing everything that comes with Coming Out. I still struggle to attach a label to myself of what I am or Am not because the label is still attached to shame and guilt for disrupting my family and the lives of some of my friends. I would be lying if I said that now I fully embrace who I am and love unapologetically all the time, because I am constantly meeting and engaging with people that tell me that loving my fiancée is not pleasing to God. I am constantly practicing self love and spiritual love for God to mitigate the messages I receive from others that desire to tell me I am wrong. 

It is a lot, but I have grown A LOT. And I can tell you that although everything may not “be okay” the way we want, things most ABSOUTELY do get better. There is courage in coming out, there is self-love in coming out, there is a weight dropped off the shoulders in coming out, there is PROSPERITY in coming out, and there is a community of people ready to love you and support you in coming out; and Coming Out does not need to be this grandiose event where you share all over. Do what is safe and secure for you, just put self-compassion at the top of your to-do-list.