#step children

You say that you have the kids 90% of the time like that’s a bad thing, but it’s important to remember that your fiance is a parent 100% of the time, and respect that. They can’t take time off from that role, and if you’re marrying them, neither can you.

I’ve never been a step-parent, but I have been a step-child, so, here’s what I see from their point of view. They’re young teenagers, and that’s a difficult age to be anyway, with lots of new emotions and desires, probably including the desire to be more independent and a feeling of resentfulness towards ‘authority’. They’re dealing with a big change in their family structure, and even if they like you a lot, seeing their parent marry someone new is probably going to feel weird for them, and it’s going to mean a lot of new changes at a time when they’re already going through a lot of personal changes. I don’t know how you interact with them, but if your words and actions are screaming “RESPECT MY AUTHORITY AND STRUCTURE YOUR LIFE AROUND HOW I THINK YOUR LIFE SHOULD GO”, it’s understandable that they’re not going to react well to that. Of course they’re going to have a bit of an attitude. Most 13-14 year olds drive their parents insane sometimes, even when they have a really good relationship with them. Of course they’re going to act even more defiant when faced with a new adult in their lives who suddenly wants to lay down new rules. 

I think that a lot of people who don’t have kids have a lot of ideas about how they think raising kids should go, and the kind of structure and discipline you should give a child. But when you actually experience having kids, it’s not that simple. You can be the best parent ever and your child will probably still misbehave sometimes. They’ll still have tantrums sometimes. They’ll still want things that they’re not allowed to have sometimes. Teenagers will still be sullen and moody and slam doors, and also want to go out with their friends all the time. You can’t turn these kids into your ideal model children, because people don’t work that way. What you can do is work together with them, to attempt to make your household work for all of you.

When you talk to your fiance about this, how do you approach it? If you say things along the lines of “your kids are disrespecting me, you need to control them”, it’s natural that they’re going to be defensive, for at least two reasons. 1. Their children are hopefully the most important things in their life, and they don’t want people to criticise them, and 2. They’ve been parenting for a long time, and it’s never nice to be told that you’ve been doing something completely wrong for 14 years. So, consider approaching this in a way that doesn’t make it seem like your partner has to choose between you and their children. For example, you could say something like “it hurt my feelings when (child) said that to me. How do you think I could approach this with them? Do you have any thoughts on how we could get along better?”, or “it makes me uncomfortable when (child) does that in my house. I know that it’s something they’re used to, and there are probably habits of mine that they’re not happy about as well. Could we sit down as a family and talk about what house rules we’re all comfortable with sticking to?”. Don’t accuse anyone of anything, and offer solutions. Ask your fiance to help you communicate better with their children. Show that you want to have a better relationship with them. 

You say you want respect, and that’s fair. But there are different kinds of respect, so it’s important to consider what kind of respect you’re asking for, and whether that’s realistic. These kids may not be willing to respect you as an authority figure, or as a parent, at least not right now. But they may be willing to respect you as a human being with thoughts and feelings of your own, and I think that’s the kind of mutual respect you should strive to achieve with them. You can start by leading by example, and showing respect towards them, their feelings, and their interests. Show an interest in their lives, their hobbies, their friends, and treat their problems with equal importance as you would if a close friend your own age was telling you about something that bothered them. If they disagree with you, ask them why, and genuinely listen to their answer. Teenagers tend to want to be heard and understood, so do your best to hear them and understand their point of view. 

As parents in a blended family, one of the biggest questions we hear is this one. What do you pray over your kids? Biological or bonus. Young or grown. Living with you or living in another home. Honestly, prayer becomes the glue that holds all the wild pieces together. If marriage is like trying to merge two highways into one solid lane, parenting in a blended family is like doing that during rush hour with construction cones and one headlight out. Yet God still gives us the grace and the wisdom to navigate it.

When we pray over our kids, we are not asking God to make everything perfect. We are asking Him to shape their hearts, guide their steps, and steady them in ways we cannot. In blended families, there are emotions and histories and loyalties that sometimes clash like two roosters in the same yard. That is when we remind ourselves that God loves our kids more than we ever could. He sees what we cannot see. He covers what we cannot fix.

Here is what we pray, and maybe it can help you find your own rhythm.

We pray for their hearts

Lord, guard their hearts. Heal what we cannot heal. Protect them from bitterness, fear, and confusion. If there are wounds from the past or from the transitions that blended life brings, we pray You meet them right there. We ask You to fill the places where they may feel divided. Make them whole under Your love.

We pray for their identity

In blended families, kids sometimes wonder where they fit. They can feel caught between two homes or two sets of expectations. We ask the Lord to root their identity in Him first, not in their last name, not in which house they slept in this week, not in who understands them better. We want them to know that they belong to God before they belong to any earthly situation.

We pray for their steps

Life brings choices, and kids today face pressures we never had. We ask God to give them wisdom. Not just the kind that helps them pass tests, but the kind that helps them choose friends well, stay away from traps, and hear the Spirit whisper when something is not right. We pray the Lord orders their steps even when ours feel clumsy.

We pray for unity

Bonus siblings do not always get along right away. Sometimes they bond over snacks and video games and sometimes they look at each other like opponents in a wrestling match. We ask God to build unity and love in our home. We pray for patience when personalities clash. We pray for laughter to fill our home more than tension. We pray that each child feels seen, valued, and loved.

We pray for their future

There are moments when we look at our kids and think, Lord, help them. Then there are moments when we think, Lord, thank You. Parenting will keep you on your knees and keep you humble. We pray that their future is covered with favor. We pray they become strong men and women of God who love well, serve well, and rise above any brokenness they experienced. We pray generational blessings over them and that any generational sin stops with us, not with them.

We pray for our role

Here is the honest part. Sometimes we pray that God helps us not lose our minds. Blended parenting can test every ounce of patience you thought you had. We pray for wisdom to know when to speak and when to hold back. We pray for grace to parent our own children and bonus children with fairness, compassion, and steadiness. We pray the Lord helps us model humility, forgiveness, and Christlike love. Because our kids learn far more from watching us than from hearing us talk.

We pray for their relationship with God

Most of all, we ask God to draw their hearts toward Him. Even if they wander. Even if they question everything. Even if they make mistakes. We pray they know the Father who never leaves them, the Savior who never gives up, and the Spirit who never stops guiding them.

If you are reading this and wondering if your prayers matter, let us encourage you. Every prayer you whisper over your children is heard. You are not praying into the air. You are calling on the One who formed them, knows them, and holds their future. Keep praying even on the days you do not see results. God moves in quiet ways long before the story shows fruit.

A short prayer for you

Lord, thank You for our children, biological and bonus. Cover their hearts and minds. Guide their steps. Heal their wounds. Strengthen their identity in You. Bless their future. Bring unity and joy to our home. And help us parent with grace, patience, and wisdom. We trust You with every child You have placed in our lives. In Jesus name, amen.

Scripture to stand on

Proverbs 22 verse 6

Dealing with stubborn children can be challenging, but here are some strategies to help: Stay Calm: Remain patient and composed, even when they refuse to listen. Set Clear Boundaries: Establish clear rules and consequences, and consistently enforce them. Use Positive Language: Instead of focusing on what not to do, explain what you want them to do. Offer Choices: Provide choices within…

Dealing with stubborn stepchildren can be challenging, but here are some strategies to help: Build Trust: Establish a positive relationship by showing genuine interest and care. Communicate Effectively: Listen actively and explain your perspective clearly. Set Clear Boundaries: Establish clear rules and consequences, and consistently enforce them. Avoid Comparisons: Refrain from comparing…