#sooooo long

Where do I even begin? These episodes have been delivering us a lot to dig into, haven’t they? I think we’re seeing some repetitious themes and symbiology, too, starting with Nol and Shinae’s interrupted dance. There is something so sweet and warming about Shinae offering to replicate a moment Nol can no longer relive, trying to give him one moment of happiness. We know - and now so does she - that Nol has been living in unhappiness and darkness for so long. We’ve witnessed moments where he was willing to let it all go and let the dark claim him, but here he is. The fact that for that moment, he’s willing to reach out and accept Shinae’s offer is such a big deal, I think, because of his personal believe that he does not deserve little pleasures and shouldn’t seek it out.

And of course, life is not kind to Nol.

Or, rather, as the running theme goes, Kousuke has a way of getting in the way of what Nol wants and seeks out for himself. This is a continuous theme - every time Nol has found himself enjoying a moment, there is Kousuke. Every time Nol has wanted something for himself, there was Kousuke to stand in the way, manipulate a situation out of his hands. Though I still maintain that Nol would have made the decision on his own, it was still Kousuke who came between Nol and Shinae and pushed him to cease their friendship. Kousuke has a nasty tendency to always interrupt Nol when he dares to defy what he thinks is his dark fate. 

Actually, that isn’t the only theme. 

In general, we’ve seen Nol and Shinae trying to reach one and other across chasms a number of times - usually in the form of Nol reaching out to Shinae and denying himself an opportunity or else Shinae chasing after him. Nol reaching out to Shinae continued even into the recent episodes when they were talking in Minhyuk’s room and he reached out to her. I don’t know if this is meant to be a metaphor for Nol not able to accept that he wants to hold on to her or not - and if that is the case, what does it mean that this time he reached out but was denied the opportunity by someone else? On the one hand, I want to think that Nol’s willingness to open up and talk to Shinae, to tell her things he’d never dared say before - means he is embracing her friendship, but he has the opportunity to ghost out and disappear, so I’m not sure if I’m just being hopeful or not. 

At any rate, that brings us to the other theme. Do you guys remember that Very Infamous illustration of Kousuke, Shinae, and Nol lying on the floor, and all the many ways it’s been interpreted (and how romance is so often the basis). My current interpretation remains the same as it has for over a year now - that it represents dynamics and the way Shinae is involved with each brother, bridging a gap between them. That dynamic remains ever present: that Kousuke is the one often “distracting” Shinae from Nol. This isn’t limited just to trying to steal her attention, either - it’s the way Kousuke tries to manipulate their relationship from the outside, the way he tries to father her and eclipse things, it’s the way we see him always the one to interrupt and come between them. Kousuke also truly believes Nol is dangerous and that Shinae needs to keep her distance to keep herself safe. But we see - just like in the illustration - that Shinae is someone who is able to bring Nol comfort and help him find his peace. Though it could just be that he is planning to peace out anyway, we see Nol speaking much more freely with Shinae than he ever has before, which just ties back into that illustration. He’s far from achieving peace and being at ease, but that dynamic is ever present, isn’t it? 

So in the way that Shinae reaches out to Nol and his opportunity to accept her offer (of friendship, to be a team, to grant a moment of solace and relive a happier time) is once again denied, we see Kousuke reach out to Shinae to help her up. While I don’t think this is significant in any shipping dynamics kind of way, I do think it’s interesting that this is another time we’ve seen Kousuke reach out to Shinae, and juxtaposed against Nol, it does stand out. But again, I think it’s something more about the way that Kousuke is the one who always pushes after Shinae, that she rarely reaches out to him (and when she has, it back fired). Again, I think there’s something about the dynamics here, about the way Kousuke intervenes and the way his interactions with Shinae are so often instigated by himself. It’s something I’d like to revisit in time, I think. 

Whew, that’s a lot already! This is why I meant to do these as separate posts! 

These two episodes are also just riddled with Kousuke and Nol interactions - from downright childish bickering to Nol trying to open up about his hurt. Something we’ve always known but see really reiterated in these episodes is the way that Nol and Kousuke really bring out each others baser sides, an almost primitive, childish way of fighting. They quite literally bring out the worst in each other. Kousuke continues to rewrite the narrative to align with his own beliefs and ideas and Nol is not good at ignoring the bait and his hot headed reactionary side gets the best of him. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I understand why they are at each others’ throats, but like I said, they just really bring out the worst in each other, their ugliest sides. Nol trying to make a dig at Kousuke about how unlike Kousuke, HE at least craves contact but Shinae is so quick to call him out on the way he was trying to ghost everyone. In fact, when Nol says that bit, his eyes are closed - because he was doing the very thing he’s trying to use against Kousuke. 

Kousuke, too, is just as incendiary as Nol, not that he’d ever admit it, and half the time Nol doesn’t even need to push his buttons. Actually, I think these two episodes do a good job of showing Kousuke’s low emotional IQ and how incendiary he really is. It doesn’t take much to fire him up, and he’s so rude, too? I think that’s what really took me by surprise - I honestly thought surely Kousuke wouldn’t be the one to interrupt the dance because Kousuke thinks himself such a gentleman, such a pinnacle of etiquette and personality. Ironic, isn’t it, that he was the one to reject Shinae’s application citing that she’s too reactionary, hot headed, and he thought she wouldn’t be able to control her temper and handle customers, but he’s the asshole in someone else’s home insulting peoples’ singing, calling the house smelly, insinuating it’s gross, barging into other peoples’ rooms, blaming others for what he’s doing, grousing about their clothing, etc. etc. The list literally goes on and on. The whole of the story, Kousuke has tried to maintain that he’s a mature, well-mannered adult, but he’s spent this entire night acting like an asshole baby. That this comes on the coattails of his breakdown about the call with Rand does not miss me. In fact, it really stood out to me that Kousuke still insists that he’s getting into trouble even though Rand made it painfully clear that he’s not mad - but that doesn’t fit Kousuke’s narrative so he’s rewritten even that! 

Speaking of the way Nol and Kousuke devolve into their more childish sides - their bickering brings out a lot that gets REALLY glossed over and I think is worth examining. For instance, after Shinae calls Nol out on his ghosting, he retorts “Disappearing without saying goodbye is in my blood” which on its own is already intriguing and curious. Who else has done the disappearing - and what kind? I’ve already mused that maybe Nessa didn’t have a good relationship with Nana when Nol was young, since he didn’t seem to recognize her (or at least, because he thought it was plausible that someone could be paying her to play that role), but it’s just as possible that he met her when he was too young to remember. But still, that means they weren’t in touch at all until she came to live with Nol. Did Nessa pack up with her child and leave the country without saying goodbye to Nana? Does it have something to do with Rand leaving? Or is it about Nessa herself? 

“Maybe your mother wouldn’t have left you behind!” is such a nasty, low, low blow coming from Kousuke - ESPECIALLY because of his insistence that it’s because Nol wasn’t “good and obedient”, because he was “selfish”. Actually, no matter the situation, it’s the lowest of blows and Kousuke shows no repentance for what he said. He truly believes that people must be obedient and follow orders (and we see this when he describes Shinae as “malleable” yuck) and he BLAMES Nol for losing his mom because he’s not obedient enough? Because he’s selfish? (The irony that Kousuke seems to think the world revolves around him does NOT miss me.) 

The question obviously is: what does Kousuke mean? “Left you behind” is ambiguous enough. Did she leave? How could it be possible for her to leave and be untraceable - you think the Hiraharas don’t have access and connectsions to track a person down? How could Rand locate Nana, but Nessa is nowhere to be found? Nol and Nana speak in a way that makes it sound like Nessa is dead - so we’ve assumed all along that’s her fate. But someone dying isn’t “leaving people behind” - unless they do it of their own hand. If Nessa did kill herself, though, isn’t it an even lower blow for Kousuke to say that? He says he isn’t sure what happened to her - which means if she did commit suicide, the circumstances might be murky enough to not be sure what happened. I’ve also seen it contemplated that maybe something happened and Yui had Nessa locked away, but I’m not sure yet how possible that one is. I guess the whole thing just remains ???? because suppose she did die - whether or not by her own hand, there’d be a funeral. If she just disappeared, did no one try to find her? If she was locked away, I think Yui would be able to hide the evidence, but it also just seems almost too makjang. I’m not sure yet what I think! 

Kousuke’s obsession with obedience, though, brings me back to their argument. Nol tells Kousuke that he doesn’t think for himself, that he’d respect him a lot more if he had a backbone, which lead to Kousuke’s low blow. It’s not anything new to us, but I just think it really highlights the major difference in Nol and Kousuke. Kousuke was, from a young age, molded to emulate and take after Rand, to try to earn his affection via obedience and being a good little boy who tries to make him proud - despite Rand wanting Kousuke to follow his own dreams and to be his own person. Time after time, Kousuke was convinced that the only way to earn his father’s (apparently conditional) love is to do what he’s told and to try to become him. For Kousuke, love IS conditional. If you don’t earn it, you don’t get it. In his eyes, Nol didn’t earn his mother’s love and he was, in some way, abandoned. We already know his obsession with obedience runs so deep that he can’t handle being told otherwise - like Rand trying to convince him that he DOESN’T want him to babysit Nol he DOESN’T want him to be at his beck and call - but the way he equates it with familiar love is really problematic. He goes on to describe Shinae as malleable, which is so weird and uncomfortable and far, far from a compliment - except in Kousuke’s eyes, it’s what people should be. Again, ironic given that Kousuke yields to no one and refuses to adapt to anyone or anything else, despite expecting it from others. 

I’ve tried to show a lot of patience for Kousuke, because I understand he is a product of his environment and his neglect and lack of healthy parental relationships - or any relationships period - combined with Yui’s manipulation and molding left him no room to grow in a healthy way. He is perpetually stunted emotionally and frankly, even maturely, as evidenced by the way he acts in someone else’s house and bickers with Nol at every opportunity. He rewrites the narrative whenever possible, he’s constantly deflecting and shifting blame even when people are around to prove otherwise. But it’s hard to be patient when he’s acting this way, when he’s pointedly antagonizing Nol only to turn around to act like he’s never done anything. I’m not saying Nol is blameless, either - he’s no more able to ignore Kousuke than Kousuke can ignore him - but there’s a stark difference in Kousuke’s reality from actual reality. Something that really gets me is that Shinae is much younger than Kousuke but was able to reach the conclusion that her side of a story is not the full, absolute truth, that she is the protagonist of only her own life, might be the antagonist of someone else’s (Alyssa’s). She’s able to understand that what is true for her is not the total sum. But Kousuke can’t! Not only can he not accept blame, but in the same breath he goads Nol on, he insists he’s innocent. How can you crack a jab about “Are you going to break down and cry?” to someone who has literally been having a breakdown the ENTIRE duration of this story? For YEARS in their lives. 

That’s what kills me. Nol is finally opening up a little - perhaps not in the best way, but at least he’s doing it. While clearly what they need is many, many therapy sessions that Minhyuk cannot helm, at least Nol is trying to make Kousuke see what he refuses to. “Did you ever stop to think why I’d prefer to go by that name?” Kousuke lives in such a black and white world that he cannot (or maybe just he refuses?) to see that there are more ways to hurt a person than physically. It’s such a tense moment, too - Nol points out that Kousuke always assumes, he never even ASKS, he just makes up his own version and sticks to it. How could he have been the reason Nol resents his name, if he never hurt him? And that’s the crux of it, isn’t it? It’s not just that Kousuke rewrites narratives, it’s not simply his deflection - it’s the way he views hurt and abuse. Maybe if he acknowledged the many ways to hurt a person, he might have to acknowledge the ways HE’S been hurt that didn’t involve physical forms. Given that it’s Kousuke, he probably insists that it’s still not his fault - that if Nol wasn’t so weak or something, he wouldn’t be hurt by the way Kousuke treated him, that he was just trying to mold him into a more obedient, malleable person because apparently that is the only thing anyone should be. That just earlier he’d made a crack about “breaking down and cry”ing makes it seem all the more likely. 

And that’s the thing. At the end of the day, unless anything changes, this is who they are, this is what the relationship is. In the VERY SAME BREATH that he uses to insist he couldn’t possibly have done anything to Nol, he goes on to tell him he wanted nothing to do with him, likens him to an unwanted pest, says he did nothing to him. He did nothing, he made him feel like nothing. And while Kousuke as a child is given more leeway for not being able to handle his feelings and resentment over Nol’s existence (Rand’s affair/his betrayal/his hurt/the paranoia he was molded to carry like the heaviest baggage), adult Kousuke never changed. He doubled down on it, found every opportunity to dig at him, to hurt him in whatever way he could without ever laying a finger on him. He asks what did he do when just minutes ago he implied Nol’s mother left him behind for not being a good little boy! It’s just frustrating. It’s frustrating and vexing and it also hurts, as a reader, to see Nol bare this part of himself while he’s curled up, hunched over in a ball making himself as small as possible, hiding his face. There’s something so vulnerable in the face he makes when he looks up at Kousuke again - in the previous panels the shades fall sharp on his face, making him look almost scary, but he looks at Kousuke with no shadows, just something open. “Why?” Why, after you took everything, after you made him feel so small, like he was nothing, why did you also take his name? 

Nol is taking the opportunity to bring this up, and Kousuke still won’t accept it. Refuses to examine himself or his behavior. I mean, I can’t say I’m surprised. It’s not like he’d blink and go oh my god you’re right, I’ve been so mean. But also, I’m at the point where I don’t know what it will take to ever make peace between them. When Kousuke is so deep in denial, when he’s rewritten everything to fit his perfect story, when he deflects all responsibility, when he always pins everything back on Nol: what will ever make him face reality and face the truth? I know in life there are people who will always find a way to be a victim - and usually those people lose their friends and get exiled from others who finally catch on and grow weary of their games. But Kousuke isn’t so motivated by others - as long as he has his career and fortune, what does it matter what other people think about him? As long as he has his name, he wields respect. As long as he keeps playing his role, people will continue to hold him on a pedestal high above them. None of that matters. He put Shinae in etiquette courses without ever consulting her or trying to assist her, and he shows up to a party she and her friends are throwing, insulting everyone, acting like a spoiled baby brat. Just what, days ago? he was trying to earn her trust, trying to literally buy her trust with a plushie, insisting that she doesn’t know herself well enough, that she’d be a fool to pass up the opportunity she has to go to a foreign country all alone - and now he’s here in front of her and her friends and family, acting like this. This is the peak of who and what Kousuke is - so much of his refined personality is just as much an act as Yeonggi was. The only difference is that Nol at least acknowledges that and Kousuke will insist that everyone knows differently. 

It’s not all bad, though! We finally get to see Minhyuk meeting everyone and it is so much more than I could have ever hoped for. I love how he sees this situation and decides to take charge in the only way he knows how to - like a team captain lmao. I know there are people who think it’s weird that he’s butting in like this, but I think if Shinae had an issue, she would have said so already - in fact, I think she is happy he’s doing this. She’s right that the brothers can’t be in the same room as each other without fighting and though Minhyuk probably won’t be able to mend any of those burnt bridges, he’s still going to try to make peace because it’s his party and he’ll try if he wants to, damnit! 

I always thought Minhyuk and Nol meeting would not go over well - especially after the way Nol left things with Shinae. In fact, everything Minhyuk says to them is deserved. Kousuke is rude and hostile and when Minhyuk first shows up, Nol is also fighting like a child. There’s no good impressions to be seen here. But what I love about Minhyuk is that you can tell how much he and Shinae have rubbed off on each other, and the way he addresses everyone is so funny to me. He has no fear in the face of Kousuke wearing his mother’s clothes. How can you take him seriously when he’s throwing a hissy fit the way he is? And because Shine thinks and spoke so highly of Nol, he has a lot to prove, because there isn’t much of the boy she described to find here right now. It’s not that Shinae described a fake personality, either - while there were aspects of Yeonggi that were a front put on by Nol, Yeonggi is so believable because it still comes from him, because that’s still a part of him. But Nol is so enshrouded in anger and hurt that it’s hard to show that part of him, yet. I think Minhyuk may get a glimpse whenever Nol has his turn at the compliments. 

It’s such a funny choice for Minhyuk, to make everyone go around and say nice things about each other, but there’s also something wholesome about it - for the most part. I love how Dieter was so thoughtful about his responses - and getting to finally learn the moment that he fell for Shinae, when he started to see in her the good person she tried so hard to lock away. As one of the more observant characters of the series, Dieter being able to find in Shinae something she was too afraid to share is really sweet. I love the way he and Shinae both got so embarrassed when he looked at her, too. They’re sweet and cute and I love how fluffy things are with them, because that’s not something we get a lot from this series. The face she made as he talked about that moment, the way she and Minhyuk bickered about the “mushy talk” lol it’s just cute and fluffy! That said, it makes you think a little, what he said to Nol. That he’d be so good humored on even a rainy day. On the one hand - was that ever Nol, or just the act he put on for people? But deeper than that, he put on that act FOR people, to make THEM happy, to bring some kind of comfort and solace to them. Even if the disposition was faked, it was still a thing he did for Dieter, and it was clearly appreciated. But Dieter doesn’t really know much about Nol - the real Nol, why he entered their lives, why he was determined to leave them - and that’s also really sad. I hope he’ll get that opportunity. 

Minhyuk is so funny though lmao I am SO glad we get to see him playing off everyone else like this. He’s such a fun character and the way he plays off - and against - Shinae brings so much boisterous energy out. “Very fashion” lmaoooo. and Shinae copying him! “You. Strong. Like bear” PLEASE 

Actually, Shinae’s ability to singlehandedly disarm everyone without trying is SO funny. Poor Dieter probably nearly DIED as she called his hands sexy! Her discomfort is palpable, but absolutely enjoyable on my end. It’s also really funny to me that she associates both Nol and Kousuke with scents. In fact, Nol smelling like a bar of soap is such a running theme, now - she was able to smell Nol on his coat when Kousuke was wearing it at the formal even though she was drugged/inebriated; that moment when they shared earbuds at the Wacdonalds, and again now. Idk if there’s anything more to read into it - I guess if you try hard enough, you can. It’s just so funny to me that “something I admire about these people” and she’s blurting out how they smell lmaooooo. 

I’m so curious what Kousuke will manage to say about Nol - if he’s able to, if he can find even ONE little thing to say. After all, what he said for Minhyuk was pretty much a copout, and what he had to say for Shinae was... weird. It’s SO CLOSE to being a compliment, except it hinges entirely on her being “malleable” which is not a really positive word to use to describe someone. I think it says a lot about the way Kousuke sees her and what he expects from her. She is, to him, everything Nol has failed to be. He expects she will eventually be obedient, that he’ll be able to mold her into the ideal employee or something. If he wanted to speak of her adaptability, why not just say that? Call her adaptable. But adaptability is not the same as malleable, and the choice in wording is so uncomfortable. 

But more than what Kousuke will say, of course, I’m curious about what Nol will say. Unlike Kousuke, I don’t think handing out compliments is necessarily difficult for him, and we know that Shinae and Dieter are important people to him. I think it’s probably easier for him to talk about what he admires about them, because they were the people whose fake friendships became real, who started to matter. And frankly, I think he’ll be able to find something good in Minhyuk, because that’s Shinae’s best friend and she wouldn’t be close to someone who wasn’t good. I think Nol is better at telling the truth - especially being disarming. Dieter isn’t even fully up to speed on things, so I think Nol telling him something honest might even throw him off for a moment. I ALSO think, despite everything, Nol might find it easier to say something about Kousuke than the other way around. Probably.... 

These episodes are jampacked with little relationship dynamics: Nol and Kousuke; Shinae and Dieter; Shinae and Minhyuk. And Shinae and Nol. It’s so funny, how in the beginning of the story it was Nol watching and reading Shinae like a book, and now the tables have reversed and she’s the one. I mean, I guess it’s not different than how she became the one to chase, but it’s just satisfying to see those little ticks. It’s not difficult to read Nol’s body language. Not only is he trying to make himself small, bunched up in a ball and hiding his face, but gripping his hands so tightly with all of that pent up anger, that rage and hurt - but Shinae being able to just snap him out of it feels big. Just like at the beginning of 207 where Nol was about to accept her offer to dance, I think Shinae is, or is becoming, some kind of conduit of comfort for Nol. We’ve seen a number of times throughout the series where she’s affected him, left a lingering impression, and now that they are opening up to each other more, we’re seeing even more of it. Because of what she now knows - via Kousuke and Nol both - I think she finally has a better understanding of parts of Nol she found confusing before, and in that same way, she’s beginning to read him better. Like I said, his body language is pretty clear, but what matters more is not that she could see all that fury bunched up but that she was able to reach out and quell it, to interrupt that. We know that Nol is more hot-headed, and that kind of all consuming rage blows up, blinds you. It makes it so you can’t see or think clearly, makes it so easy to say or do something you’ll regret - and she snapped him out of that, coached him into relaxing just a little. 

They just. GOD! They continue to grow in a way that I can’t help but love. Shinae’s ability to get through to him, her relentless efforts to bridge their gap and hold on to their relationship, the unspoken understanding they now share between them. Both Shinae and Nol are scarred, wounded people. Like Nol does now, Shinae used to hide all those vulnerabilities. She tucked all her hurt and anger away, sealed it up and told herself it doesn’t matter anymore. But when she was beating on that bear suit, she felt it - tasted that kind of raw, furious hurt. Shinae understand that part of Nol, and we continue to see that she represents some place of comfort, a type of reprieve for him, should he choose to allow himself that. In a way, I think this ties back to the running theme of Nol reaching out to Shinae - time and time again, he denies himself what he wants, because he believes himself so undeserving. He believes himself such a monster that he isn’t allowed to crave the comfort of a friend, of unconditional compassion, of someone seeing his whole, raw self. Surely, once they see deep into his heart, once they learn his sins, they’ll cast him away. 

I just continue to really love their interactions and the way their dynamic has shifted. It’s not that Shinae was never such a caring person - we’ve seen it throughout her entire life. She’s got a very compassionate heart - it’s just that she hid it away to protect it. Shinae has defended people all along but Nol helped bring that to the forefront. And now she turns it on him. Now he is the one who needs comfort and a listening ear. And there we go, back to that illustration - the earbuds that Nol and Shinae share, the comfort and peace that she can offer him because Shinae is that conduit of comfort, because Shinae is the one who will listen, that he can open himself up to. 

I know it will be a long time before we get to see these dynamics play more - the night will eventually end, Nol will eventually go away, and we don’t know what will come of their relationship during those months. But man I look forward to getting to see Nol open up more. I look forward to getting to see that trust grow - and GOD please, I look forward to him finally getting to enjoy a reprieve from it all, to have even a MOMENT of unadulterated happiness and bliss because my god he needs it. I am DYING to see him just finally do what he WANTS for once, instead of denying himself it. I want to see him enjoy a moment of happiness, maybe a comforting memory, maybe something entirely new, where he doesn’t beat himself up or deny himself or refuse it.