#ily fp

I think you guys know me well enough to know we're diving right into the Nessa and Rand backstory. I love you Shinae but we'll swoop back around to you, there's very important things at hand right now!

Like many, Rand and Nessa's history is something I'd been anticipating for quite a while now. I'd come to this thought that they must've had a relationship when they were younger and Rand was in uni and then Rand realized he had bigger dreams than this and left in pursuit of those dreams when it became apparent they wanted different things in life and that his career was more important than relationships and he didn't want to be tied down but BOY WAS I SO WRONG HUH!!!!!

I will admit that Quimchee shared an image on Patreon which had me and my friends already convinced that they'd been married and I am stressed to realize we were, in fact, correct about that aflkjafkajffajfaj (again go join Patreon if you can, we get really fun content!)

The thing that really strikes me about Nessa and Rand - and I think we all kind of figured this all along but now have this confirmed in an even worse way than expected - is that they are the epitome of "sometimes love just isn't enough". Except I'd always thought it was "love just isn't enough" in the way that Rand would move on, not Rand would keep stringing poor Nessa along and she would keep believing in him and them and hoping this time it will be different. And I think, worse, it demonstrates how much he loved her? That he held on to her for so long and dragged her through so much pain because he just would not let go, even when he should have realized he was always going to put his career first.

And look, I'm not going to demonize Rand for putting his career first. I won't admonish him for valuing his career and security because we see between Nana and Rand two very different types of orphan experiences. Nana sought out her family, sought out to make her own family and tried to hold on to them (and lost them in doing so). Rand, however, focused on financial security rather than familial security. He wanted the kind of security that provides for you and gives you a sense of power. Comfort in knowing you never need be left for want or destitution. His refusal to let Nessa stay with him in England when he was suffering says so much about how important this value was to him. Nessa has lived a life in the country of, presumably, making ends meet (Nana describes her being able to visit Rand as "scraping together the funds to afford a train ticket") and it's not something she feels ashamed of. But Rand spent his life in the orphanage, from which he aged out of never having been adopted and taken in by a family, left with nothing and wanting for everything, and it makes sense why he personally would never want to be the reason Nessa lived that way, would want only to be able to provide for her.

But it's an indication they weren't ready to be married - and this is partly on Nana, who I feel rushed to get them married as she was so worried about them "committing sins". I'm not blaming her, I'm just saying. They were not ready to be married - Rand wasn't ready to settle down yet.

I'd also like to point out how painful it must've been for Nana to learn that Rand wanted to settle down with Nessa in England of all places. Yeah he doesn't have the history, but WOOF.

But anyway, it was so clear that Rand wasn't ready to settle down, but he did anyway, because he loved Nessa and he wanted his career and he was convinced he could do them both - that a little patience would be rewarded in the end. And he wasn't entirely wrong, except I think his Oxford bestie, Kouichi Hirahara, was a trap. But we'll get there. I want to focus on Nessa's pain a little bit before we ruminate on Rand's mistakes and the trap he fell into.

The audible gasp that I gasped when it was revealed Nessa was so stressed she was having fertility issues and kept having miscarriages - that reveal absolutely devastated me! That she struggled so much to conceive and start their family and when it finally happened, it was after he came to her with deception, when he was married to someone else already had a family with somebody else, and he asked her to abort it. He knew what she struggled and asked her to abort it!!!!!!

Now I am fully acknowledging that I think Rand knew what he was doing when he made that request. He'd been married to Yui for years at this point and the family knew about Nessa to some degree because Kouichi was Rand's bestie at some point, had met Nessa, had gone to a tea ceremony together, were on friendly terms. And, again, we're taking the Mukoyoshi Theory to be truth at this point, Rand knew the dangers of having a child that wasn't with Yui, one that could be viewed as a threat by Yui. He didn't ask Nessa to abort because he wanted nothing to do with her and a child - he asked her to abort out of protection for what would befall the child and even possibly Nessa, I believe. I think it must've hurt Rand to ask, too. I don't think he was as cruel and cold as we're led to believe.

Something very important to remember about this entire flashback is that this is a 100% biased flashback from someone who admittedly hates Rand and this is going to color everything about how Nana describes the relationship, the way things played out, etc. etc. SHE sees Rand as this unsympathetic man who didn't care nearly as much about Nessa as he did about his career and that colors our perception of him as we read, and therefore how we process new information. We internalize what it means for Nessa to have struggled with keeping a pregnancy to be asked by her former lover who now has a new family to ask her to abort the ONLY viable pregnancy she's ever had and we assume that it means he was cold and cruel and uncaring, but we have to be highly critical of these types of recollections. She is recalling someone else's relationship from her own biased perspective. None of this is firsthand accounts from Rand or Nessa.

And to that matter, one of the most devastating things about Nessa, which I think makes her such an interesting character, is that we are NEVER going to truly know, because we don't have her point of view. Unless there exists some kind of diary that has been preserved by someone somehow, we'll never be able to be in her head. We only get to see her in the very biased recollections of others, be they incredibly idealized versions of her or distorted nightmares of her. I think even Rand, who has well-preserved memories of the day he met her after her post-abortion, will have distorted recollections of her, warped by his love and his tremendous guilt and shame.

Nol remembers his mother in such a way that he believes the tea poisoned her and completely altered her personality, even though it seems much more likely that Nessa, at the VERY least, since Rand left her, but probably since they married/the miscarriages, has struggled with some form of depression and maybe even anxiety? We'll never know Nessa TRULY because no one was in her head. No one saw the parts of her that she hid, the parts of her that she tucked away to perform for others, to be the version of them they expected to see, to hide the difficult aspects of herself, etc.

Nana exemplifies this when Shinae returns from the bathroom to ask for her phone back - found breaking down sobbing over the overwhelming grief and pain of being confronted with these mementos of her daughter who she never properly got to grieve. Nana who never gets to show this side of herself because she's always busy being a strong pillar for Nol and never has room in her life to grieve for the daughter she lost, the daughter she pushed away, the daughter she left to the wolves, because she needs to be strong for Nol. Nol himself exemplifies this - none of his friends knew what he was dealing with while he wore his Yeonggi mask. Maybe it's something he'll figure out one day himself - that what he witnessed with his mother was likely exacerbated by whatever drugs she was on, in the way that "this drug can create worsening depression and or suicidal ideation, please let your doctor know about worsening depression" but what he witnessed was just as much a part of her as the version of her he remembers?

And this is what's so interesting about Nessa in people's memories. Look at Nana's memories and Rand's memory of her. So often we don't see her eyes and the times we do are usually strong emotions - the kinds of things that are emblazoned in your memory. But it feels so symbolic of them remembering Nessa, but not remembering her in her entirety. Especially for Nana and Rand, it feels like they don't remember her face in full because of the guilt and regret of how they've hurt her, the ways they've lost her. Nana left her daughter alone and vulnerable when she needed her the most, and by being left alone, she died without her ever knowing. It's also been such a long time since she last saw her, details fading and falling from memory, blurred away by her regret and shame ;~; But I think it also represents that Nana remembers Nessa as she remembers her, but not as she was. And this is typical of all of us, but something I feel is so especially true of parents. Parents latch on to their children at a certain point in their lives, and sometimes it becomes difficult to accept when their children have grown and become their own person and developed their own ideas. Nana remembers Nessa as humble, salt of the earth, etc. but how do we know that Nessa's values never shifted as she experienced more of life? How do we know she had other values that Nana ignored because they didn't align with her own beliefs?

Nessa is such a fascinating character to me in this way. She haunts the narrative, but we'll never really know her. We'll always be trying to piece her together through everyone else's memories, and through the things that are unsaid, or what they may not remember or didn't see.

But to get back to the actual episode, Nessa's resilience was truly impressive but also.... I wish she'd had the strength to walk away. A lot of reactions to this episode I see have a lot to do with blaming Rand and screaming about him, but it needs to be pointed out that Nessa kept going back. Nessa kept giving him chances. Nessa always believed he'd changed. I'm not saying this to blame her at all - I'm saying this as a reminder that it takes two to tango and in this relationship, Nessa, like Rand, continued to hold on even when it was clearly not working.

And I think this is why things culminate in Rand married to Yui.

Hear me out.

Isn't it pretty interesting that Rand meets a Hirahara in Oxford and they become friends. Kouichi even invests in his company, helps him get things started. Later, Kouichi buys Rand's firm and offers him an executive position at Hirahara Corp.? And Kousuke recalls that Rand never really liked being in Japan. Isn't this all really interesting?

And more to that fact, Kouichi follows the same naming convention as the Hirhara heirs. Koutara. Kousuke. So who is Kouichi? Where does he fit in....? It would make sense for him to not be an heir with the naming convention, would it? He hasto have been a son of Koutaro's, brother to Yui and Hansuke's mom !!!!!!!!!!!

And another interesting detail. Nolan Oliver T. Lochlainn was named for important people in Rand's life - but Kouichi, best friend who helped Rand start his firm, bought it, and got him an executive position at his family's company, is not one of those names. That implies he must not have been all that important to Rand in the end, despite everything he did.

We ALSO know we've never heard of Kouichi - he's not mentioned anywhere, never in any articles, never in anyone's conversations. How was it Rand who became the temporary chairman of the board after Youngchul's sexual assault allegations caught up to him if Kouichi was an heir and would have had experience? In the two years from Kouichi buying Rand's company to Rand marrying Yui, what happened? And what happened to Kouichi?

And HOW did Rand end up married to Yui, as opposed to, yknow, Nessa (who he was ACTUALLY married to!!!!!!!!)

OF COURSE I HAVE THOUGHTS!!!!!

So we have a loose timeline here.

Rand sells his company. He goes to Japan to interview because he needs to secure his position before he can begin his paperwork to settle in.

He's supposed to start Nessa once he has his position and has filed his paperwork so she can join him.

Presumably he begins his position as CFO in Japan.

(Rand never liked visiting Japan. He must have experienced something in Japan that has ruined it for him.)

Youngchul is removed from his position as chairman of the board due to sexual assault allegations. (Someone is noted to have stepped in when Youngchul was trying to drag a girl to his room at a post-conference party, and there's also said to be several witnesses during the business conference earlier that day. Rand easily could have been one of or both of these witnesses. I think it's significant if he was someone who rescued a woman from Youngchul, in fact.)

Notably, at this time, Rand has been seen publicly with Yui

At some point after, Rand is married to Yui, legally adopted into the family as head of household/manager of the company via Mukoyoshi Law

Nessa returns home from England under the impression that Rand "couldn't wait for" her and married someone younger, from the big name fancy big money company

I think it's really interesting that Kouichi invested in Rand's company because this screams SNAKE to me. Who else do we know who has been trying to.... invest in people to potentially cash in on at a later time...? This has been Yui's entire deal with Shinae and it feels very interesting to see this show up with Kouichi.

The thing is, it seems like a good thing at this point. We saw that Rand's portfolio holdings were 68+ million, thanks in part to the acquisition! That sounds like a really good deal for him! But what were the stipulations of that acquisition in the first place? Esp with it leading Rand to Hirahara Corp and all of the Hirahara-Kim corruption, the seedy underbelly of their executives.

There's also some interesting dialogue in Kousuke's claw machine memory when he's visiting Japan.

Rand gives Kousuke a talk about want vs need (clearly something he's learned in his life about his career vs Nessa) but what Yui says feels even MORE interesting in light of this episode.

"Though he does have a point with these claw machines. If you don't play it right, you lose a lot of money before you get your prize. Something you could say your father is all too familiar with..."

I am CONVINCED that Kouichi investing in Rand was a long-term bide his time set up. Invest in this penniless man with so much potential and then cash in on him when he's done all the work. Rand is said to have acquired several big-name clients (who he still worked with once he was part of Hirahara Corp) which means once the company was acquired, that was money going to the Hiraharas now. All his hard work, paid off Kouichi's investment. But Yui says you lose a lot of money before you get your prize. So what does that mean?

Was he cheated in the acquisition? Was he given an unfair deal? Something that sounded promising but was, in fact, not that fair or good in the end? It sure seems like it, right? For Kouichi to be a person who is apparently not important to Rand, despite being his best friend once and investing in him, it feels like he must've been a person who Rand felt revealed his true colors and was no longer worth his loyalty. And the fact that Rand never did enjoy Japan in Kousuke's memories? This is probably tied heavily to realizing how very corrupt the company he'd joined was - and that if he left, he lost so much. His contacts, the money he'd be making from them, he'd have to start everything all over again. Sunk cost fallacy.

And we know that when Rand became temporary chairman of the board (and he remains chairman to this day), there was a controversy about Rand being seen with Yui outside of the company. What kind of relationship did they have? Was Yui someone who Rand had helped out when Youngchul was being a creep? Did she play into the "victim" role to take advantage of Rand and his position?

Recall that Rand praises Shinae's character and tells her to be careful of who she trusts because there's a lot of people who would want to take advantage of her good character - as though he, too, has experienced this kind of thing. As though his own good, honorable character was taken advantage of - and it led him into a trap.

And if there was a controversy, Hirahara Corp would want to clean it up immediately because they're already dealing with a sexual assault controversy they need to clear up which is affecting their image.

So what if there was some kind of blackmailing happening? Because isn't it so convenient that there's a controversy about the new chairman being seen with the daughter of the founder of Hirahara Corp and then.... he's married to her? Could he have been backed into this via some kind of blackmail? Losing Youngchul, causing a new controversy, maybe something in their contract, idk. Could Nessa have been at risk? Was it more that Rand realized this was a place he didn't want Nessa involved that he couldn't safely bring her here, that she'd be in danger around these people? Was there a subtle implied threat?

I know people think Rand threw Nessa away but I don't think that's it. I think he had to do something to protect her and he knew she would never leave him otherwise. That she would never understand anything he tried to explain, would want to be with him regardless, would expose herself to harm for him. Is that why he married Yui? To break things off with Nessa in a means to save for her? Was there any kind of push, shoving him in a corner, or was it just a decision he made? The implications of the controversy make me think there was something more than just making the choice.

Again, we have to remember this is a very biased recollection that does not favor Rand, and definitely does not know what happened where Nessa and Nana were not involved. Even things like Nana asserting that she knew Nessa's inability to carry a pregnancy bothered him and affected their relationship - that it created a fervor that he'd be willing to do anything about - is probably not true, or the way she thought it was. She hated this man for the way he hurt her daughter, and she only sees him through this lens of her hatred, her own hurt.

I think Rand was more than Nana knew him to be - or was willing to accept him to be. And that makes perfect sense! There's so much we still don't know, we can't just follow Nana's accusations and accept that Rand just. Gave Nessa up for a younger wife, for a family of money, for his own sheer greed.

So one of the questions that remains, of course, is: if Kouichi was an heir, how did we end up with Yui and Rand the Yoshi? Especially given how quickly this timeline seems to have gone. And where IS Kouichi?

I think the first obvious guess is that Kouichi is dead. No one ever mentions him, he hasn't been seen, and there would never be a need to utilize Mukoyoshi Law if there was a male heir to manage the company. This is a sort of last resort, no other options left kind of deal. So it stands to reason that perhaps Kouichi met an.... untimely demise. I think the other option is that he was left in some manner incapacitated, but this one is harder for me to get my head around. Yui being behind the stroke the former CFO had works better because he was an older man more likely TO be incapacitated by a stroke, but a younger man might not necessarily be taken down by that, so what good would a medically induced stroke be? And if that were the case, people might still talk about him? I'm not sure.

Obviously, I think if he died, Yui was behind it, because that's the character she possesses - she has clawed her way towards her goal and hasn't let anyone or anything stand in the way of it. We know she had to go through her sister(s) to push them out of the company in any means (we've seen Hansuke's career held hostage in what was likely Yui coercing her sister to step down/remove her involvement from the family). But imagine if she had to also go through a brother - someone who would be granted what she'd never be allowed, simply because HE was born male, unlike her, he'd be given everything she dreamt of. But because she was a woman, she would only be pushed into other directions, never into the company.

Yui possesses a loathing of the patriarchy and men in particular despite how closely she works with them, largely in part because the most worthless man will be granted things she won't via the patriarchy, where she's been oppressed by it, denied the same opportunities, even if her skills far outrank the men's. Imagine if she had to go through a brother who was instantly granted what she dreamt of - who represented everything she couldn't have, given so freely and easily. Who didn't have to fight and claw.

Could Kouichi have been the first blood on Yui's hands?

Because again, there's too many coincidences here. Rand is wed quickly to Yui, who earns the status of chairwoman via her marriage to Rand, the chairman - something she'd not have been able to do without marrying him. Yui seen publicly with Rand causing a controversy when he was named chairman feels like it's so pre-meditated - what if she played that victim role, took advantage of Rand's good character, found opportunities to be seen with him in public so that people would talk. The new CFO and the daughter of the founder are seen together often, what could this mean? Force the hand of her father. All while taking out her brother?

Worse, what if Rand was somehow involved in this, and it went in a direction he didn't expect? Yui and Rand teamed up together against Kouichi, the man who wronged Rand, someone who Yui could spin stories about having wronged her, too. Rand willing to work with her to bring him down, maybe make him pay.... and then he paid in a way Rand never expected? idk that part's a little dramatic but I DO think Yui is involved with what happened to Kouichi and I DO think her involvement with Rand was part of a bigger plan.

The most wild reveal to me, really, is that Rand had been trapped so long by the Hiraharas - that he's been a rat for so long, that Kouichi had his claws in him long before Yui ever did. That the Hiraharas truly are a web that he could never escape and every trap he walked into, he should have seen coming.

Poor Shinae, tbh, having to deal with this trauma dump lol. Like, don't get me wrong. Nana has never had the room to grieve and it clearly wasn't her intention to dump this all on Shinae. She didn't turn away Shinae, thinking she could remain strong, but the letters broke her. The photo broke her. Talking about the things she never properly grieved destroyed her and opened a dam and everything came out and here's this teenage girl who is going through her own crisis, saddled with her own abandonment issues, learning all about Nol's past, the stories about his family that even he doesn't know. Things Nana had never spoken about until she shattered now.

That's heavy. And she's been saddled with the kind of knowledge that will be horrible to accidentally slip up, as is foreshadowed with the lack of eyes talking about never telling Nol about the abortion. You know that's going to come up one day, maybe while they're arguing, maybe something that casually slips because she's forgotten this isn't something he knows, and it's going to shake him to the core - reinforce that he was never meant to be, that he defied everything by existing even after he was aborted, and that life continues to punish him for it, and likely feed into his anti-hero arc.

But more than that, Shinae is just going through it. She came to Nana looking for answers, and it ended with a lot of trauma dumping and more questions than she had before. Mind you, I think if Shinae were to sit down and parse through some things, it would help her create a better understanding - and maybe she could try to connect some loose ends, like Nol's dislike for tea being tied to his mother's death and his intense fear of Yui, but given her slower processing and the way she tends to miss these bigger picture items, I'm not sure if that's a connection she can see just yet. I'd like to hope it is, but I worry that everything else she's learned might overwhelm her and make it difficult to put things together.

This feels especially reinforced in her surveillance of Nol's room, and the way she missed details that were kind of there in the open - her hat, for one thing, the make up, which she might've been able to connect to him doing her make up at the formal. She comes away feeling like she doesn't know him at all, that she knows even less of him now (especially seeing his marks and his nearly perfect score on his entrance exam), but there's little signs sitting right there that she doesn't pick up on because she doesn't know what she's looking for. She's looking for something and expecting it will just stand out to her, that the pieces of the puzzle will come together, but there's little details that I think could have helped her tie back to their early friendship that she blatantly missed. Again, this makes sense, because she doesn't know what she's looking for and she's hoping to see a sign, but in doing so, she misses obvious keys.

I don't know how she's supposed to get any sleep after this, though lmao. If she was already unable to sleep before, this is NOT going to help the insomnia lmao my poor girl ;~; Nana's tea isn't even going to be of use because Nana has led me to believe that's caffeinated.

I do think all of this new information will be interesting in seeing how Shinae and Nol's interactions go in the future. She now knows so much more about his own past, about his own parents' history than even he does, and it becomes more difficult to not slip up and accidentally say something the longer that knowledge sits with you, because at some point you begin to forget "oh yeah he doesn't know this". None of this knowledge even provides any comfort - it just further makes it seem like Rand never wanted Nol nor anything to do with him and worse, paints him in a light that he abandoned Nessa when we, as readers, can conclude there's something more, we don't have enough details to know why Rand made that decision.

Like I said, where do I even begin? Do I want to dig into this in order the ep follows? It's probably best to go that way, even though that's not where I want to dive into, because I think we're given a lot of important stuff in 260 that would be so easy for me to brush over if I don't! There's a lot being set up that I think is going to really play into who Shinae becomes in the future, and how her inevitable rift with her father will play out.

Learning Nana's backstory is something I've been SO hungry for and I wasn't sure when or how we'd get it. All along I had this fear that Nessa's father might've been a scumbag, someone who knocked up Nana and fled town or something like that, and this was partly why Nana was so adamant in trying to prevent Nessa from having such an experience. I'm relieved that's not the case, though. While it still plays out tragically, and Nessa never gets to even meet her father, it's not so scummy as I imagined; he died fighting for something they both believed in, for trying to make a better world for them. Even if they weren't successful at it at the time, there are so many ways a man can leave a woman single raising a baby than that.

Actually, I wish we could delve more into Nana's time with the IRA. I'm highkey really fascinated by the involvement with the Irish Troubles and that this was something Quimchee chose to incorporate and build into Nana's core personality and identity; that she was a fighter her whole life, too, in so many different ways. To be honest, Nana and Rand have such similar backgrounds, but have led such wildly different lives. Where Rand searched for security in a monetary form, Nana sought it through family connections - and they both ended up losing sight of those dreams at different points in their lives.

We now know Nana to be someone with a strong mindset, one who has made the mistake of believing she knows best and pushing that on people, and in different ways, she still holds to that strong mindset - where Nol is unable to convince her of what he knows, because she is so affected by her own experiences. I often talk about how Nol is so deep in his own pain he doesn't always notice others' pain - and this is a similar scenario for Nana.

She knows all too well what it's like to be entirely on your own with a child to raise, no one to rely on or give you help, no one to turn to, and no reprieve. She knows all too well what it's like to lose yourself in that - the loss of self in motherhood when your own identity blurs and disappears out of your grasp - and how people sink into dark places with dark thoughts and dark wishes. Because it's such a lived experience, she can imagine Nessa in that very same place - in a foreign country no less, with allegedly no contact with Rand, even! - trying to make it, and to her it makes sense what happened: Nessa lost herself and she couldn't dig back out of that dark place, she didn't find comfort, until she sought it out elsewhere.

I don't fault Nana for not believing Nol, because the way he describes losing Nessa is exactly in line with what she knows, and easy to look at a young kid and think he's searching for a reason, something that changes the outcome. She thinks he finds it easier to blame the tea, to call it poisoning, than to have to face and admit that his mother was so depressed, so broken, she took her life in the end, because what does that mean of him, what does that say of his place in her life? I understand why Nana doesn't entertain the notion.

It doesn't help, too, that Nana doesn't understand why Nol refuses to take his meds. From context of the flashback and what else we've seen in the webtoon - from the very beginning, Nol has been suspicious of meds and would rather not take them; he didn't want the cold meds when Shinae thought he was getting sick; he's suspicious of any kind of pill if he doesn't know what it is or from where it comes; there's his fear of hospitals and especially Hirahara-related hospitals, extreme panic and need to escape when he wakes up in two different hospitals (and once relaxing only when he learns he's not in a Hirahara hospital + Shinae grounds him) - that his experience in the hospital was bad. And because we only know this through Nana, we can only guess how bad. All kinds of different meds to try to calm him down - meds that maybe made him feel like he wasn't in control, doctors who perhaps mistreated him, or used his therapy and anger management sessions to twist him and make him feel worse.

We know from what the staff says that they already thought him a troubled kid prone to outbursts and panic attacks, so I can only imagine what happened in the hospital - because what was causing those outbursts? What were they saying or doing or giving him? They mentioned his "paranoia". Think about this: Nol discovers his mom is dead and he goes straight to the Hiraharas - to Kousuke - who treats him like scum. Perhaps Kousuke doesn't even believe him, perhaps Nol talks about the poison that killed his mom and Kousuke calls it lies. And he ends up locked away, labeled violent and unstable, paranoid. No one believes him.

He loses his mom and no one even believes him.

He even tells Nana he can't say anymore because it will get him locked back up - the paranoia follows him out. Whatever happened in there reinforced (or created) his belief that he is a monster never meant to exist, a monster who didn't try hard enough to save his mother - who perhaps hurt her (arguments, conflicts, etc), and who believes no one will ever believe him.

And unfortunately Nana reinforces this in her inability to believe him, too.

Frankly, I think they both are right myself, and I've long had this thought. It's always been my suspicion that Nessa was drugged something which played upon thoughts and feelings which already existed - that in the situation that found them in the United States of Asia she found herself in a dark place, full of feelings of guilt and regret, and honestly, I feel still that this is true.

Nana is right. Nessa probably was struggling on some level. Alone with her young son in a foreign country and she can't even meet up with Rand, they're there so Nol can spend time with his father and they can never even get together, and they're living undocumented, keeping to themselves. She's probably so alone. She has no other family. Maybe young Nol starts acting out, gets angry and bitter. She uprooted them and took him to this place where his father is never available for him, where they keep meeting Kousuke who makes him feel worse and keeps destroying his name. He argues with her, they fight, she feels guilty and has so much regret because this was a bad move, this was a mistake, now her son is unhappy and lonely and still he hasn't met his father.

And maybe she's given tea that is drugged, that exacerbates these dark feelings that already exist. Is she given tea that's been laced? Does she meet with someone who gives her drugged tea at every meet up?

Nol sees the changes, the things Nessa tried to hide from him, but they're getting worse, the drugs are exacerbating it, making it stronger and harder to hide. And the more they effect her mood, her personality, the more it affects their relationship? And the guilt grows and the meds awaken little voices in her head she shouldn't listen to.

I genuinely think it's possible. I don't think it's something Nessa would ever have acted on had she not been drugged, and she likely could have pulled herself out of in another life. But in this life she was drugged.

It's still possible that the meds just unraveled her and someone else finished the job, but something about the idea of it being a little bit of what both of them believe hurts and feels so likely - a darkness that she could have quelled if it hadn't been preyed upon.

I actually have a LOT of thoughts about the entire timeline regarding this - how things tie into Rand and Yui's separation and how this was very certainly Yui taking control and reminding Rand he will never be able to outsmart her, but I'll save THAT for a whole separate post, because we haven't even finished with this one!

Before I move on to Nol, though, I'd like to say I think it's very pointed and significant that Nana is having these conversations with Shinae. It's heavily foreshadowed that Shinae is going to have some kind of rift with her father - that they'll be separated by something; she'll choose a boy over him, her lifestyle will take her elsewhere, his choices to keep secrets and not open up will drive her away and destroy her trust, etc. etc - and part of being able to foil Nessa and Nana is knowing how things went wrong. It's knowing Nana as a woman who has many regrets, both about trying to force her own beliefs on someone else and expecting them to adhere to and live to those standards, as well as having so much pride she never made an effort to seek her out. Knowing Nana as a woman who is so alone by her own hand, who has lost so many people (as Shinae has), who laments those losses even if some are her own cause, I think will weigh on Shinae in the future, and help her reconnect with Simhan before things are too late one day. It probably won't happen immediately of course; the anger and righteousness will have to run its course. But there will come a day when she realizes she just misses her father and instead of doing like Nana or Nessa and holding on to her pride she (or he!) will reach out and rather than stand their ground, they will let each other back in.

It's important for Shinae to see the ramifications of those rash, hardheaded actions. Shinae, too, is rash and hardheaded. She acts first, thinks later, and is very passionate in what she believes in, much like we see of Nana and can infer of Nessa. But having an intimate experience with someone who has had that similar experience, carried those regrets, and worse, seen the loss that came of not being there for each other.... I think it will stick with her and influence her when the time comes.

I think, even without telling us what happened in the hospital, we've got enough insight now about Nol to have some ideas about how these events have shaped him, though. His unwillingness to open up to people, because who will believe him anyway, and how his continued belief in what happened and being labeled as paranoid, fueling this fear that if he does continue to talk about it, he'll get thrown back into the hospital. This deeply internalized belief that he's a monster, that he caused it, leaves us to wonder a lot, still. Was this a belief born in the hospital, of the kinds of "therapy" he went through? At one point, we see Nol crying that he didn't try hard enough to stop her and that's why this is his fault, but the conversation he had on his birthday with Shinae about harming the cow from which the hamburger beef came haunts me. It makes me wonder a LOT about the state of Nessa's personality changing - if it led to them arguing and fighting, and that took further toll on her stress, her mental health, a reliance on tea that "calmed" her or something? Did the thoughts simply spiral and lead him to think that simply for not acting, he mistreated her, he was a monster for existing and complicating her life, for wanting to know his father and leading them to live here in secret, for getting them involved with this family, and for leading to her death? I'm still really curious about how he arrived at this line of thinking and I can't help but think it's a combination both of fighting with Nessa AND whatever happened in the hospital.

I'm also INCREDIBLY curious about medications because we know he comes out of the hospital on Xanax but we have to wonder what ELSE they might've had him on in there - although to be fair, Xanax on its own seems like it could have been (and was) a nightmare. Nana clocks immediately that Nol is "off", that this isn't a normal, well-medicated boy despite having never met him prior, just based on his listlessness. We also see even leaving the hospital, he already has eyebags from lack of sleep. I think it might be a combo of both being medicated and what might have happened while he was medicated that has him so against the meds, so fearful of them. Not liking how they change his personality, not liking how he feels like he has no control, not liking how they affect him, and maybe things done while he's medicated that he can't easily prevent? To be clear, I'm not suggesting sexual assault or anything like that, but we are not above imagining Nol was abused in the hospital, mistreated, etc. Drugged out on Xanax with someone telling you what a horrible person you are and you can't fight them off or something like that?

And again, the way the meds affect him. Nol knows who he was before he was medicated. He knows the change the drugs have caused, to make him so listless, so compliant, maybe like a little zombie. And he loathes it so much he's willing to go cold-turkey off Xanax and endure the withdrawal with nothing to assist him.

I was looking this up because, first off, I didn't know it by its generic name and secondly I realized I never knew a lot about Xanax except jokes about giving it to really high-strung, anxious people. Like, how did I never connect that it's a benzo? Even though, hello: Kousuke ?????? But more than that, I never realized how addictive it is?

We can safely assume Nol was probably taking the Xanax for 6 months or more, just knowing he was in the hospital for almost 2 years and cited as having panic attacks - which, let's be real, were probably a result of losing his mother and being institutionalized in the same breadth of time.

For him to go cold-turkey off this med was absolutely bonkers when you think about it. The depiction of him enduring his withdrawal post-release, as well as whatever nightmares haunt him, the trauma plaguing him, the entire experience of living with a stranger in a new place having been released from hell with no certainty that she's even truly your grandmother (gone through a hell so intense he can't trust that she wasn't brought in to continue the act ;~;). AUGH.

We see young Nol experiencing a lot of these withdrawal symptoms, too - the panic attacks, the tremors, the sleep problems, loss of appetite, general discomfort, (presumed hypersensitivity to light or sound when we see him in the dark, but also note to touch when we've seen how Nol has responded to people trying to touch him), possibly abnormal sensations, maybe even psychosis just based on the panel of him in his blankets in bed. (This latter part is a supposition but it's worth considering! I'm not saying I for sure think he experienced that, but knowing his mental state I don't want to discount it, either.)

More importantly is that between 10-25% of chronic users - as we assume Nol was - experience symptoms like new or worsening anxiety and depression, and we've known Nol to be haunted by this. We cannot forget that when Dieter had met Nol, there was a period of absence in which Nol "went to try to see his mother" that was assume was an attempted suicide. I'm not saying this is entirely the fault of the meds because clearly in Nol's case we have a more complex situation of someone who is in a stressful situation, has lost his mother, has had a whole upheaval of his life, no one believes him, and he's been on benzos during a particularly traumatic experience, but it's safe to consider their contribution to this attempt, I think. Chances are, Nol may have still ended up in this place, but we'll never know how bad it actually might have been had he not had such traumatic experiences and endured this withdrawal the way he did.

This also felt significant to me. In a way, it's like they made this poor kid worse. Rebound symptoms more severe than they were before the drug was initiated, resulting in worse anxiety and/or panic attacks? Essentially, what we know is that Nol's detoxing period and even the years to follow were absolute HELL for him. Nana even noted that while things started to improve once she started to introduce more healthy lifestyles and give him outlets, there were still signs of relapses. Still signs of struggle. It paints such a vivid picture of how the Nol we've come to know now came to be - and makes it even more alarming the way he goes from this to the Yeonggi mask.

I have so much respect and admiration for Nana throughout this all, though; it can't be easy, to just take sudden guardianship of this kid you didn't even know existed and he is, frankly, troubled. You're ill-prepared for how to deal with him, you don't know how to help him, he's suffering and you can't do anything to make it better. (The fact that Nol even, at one point, apologizes, says he wishes he could get better sooner hurt SO MUCH ;~;) That she understands how terrified of that place he was, that she never forces his meds on him, that she seeks out answers no one can give, that she decides to do everything she can to help him ;~; In a way, Nol really is repentance for Nana - her way of making up for where she failed Nessa, her way of ensuring that she doesn't abandon another one of her flesh and blood. And it was good she did, because obviously Nol needed that assistance.

He was just SO broken. And I'm sure he was broken enough by what he experienced pre-hospital, but I fear he's broken, too, by what happened in the hospital, too, and it's no wonder no one is able to get through to him. No one is able to penetrate the walls around him.

It also seems like his insomnia never went away and plagues him even now - we've seen many an occasion of Nol's sleepless nights that stem from coming out of the hospital (sitting up late at night "watching his favorite show" when in reality he can't sleep and is just filling the silence with something, anything, to try to dull the silence to interrupt his own thoughts).

His self-loathing SO intense, SO deep he can't bear his own image, destroys multiple mirrors from seeing his own reflection. Is it because he resembles Nessa? Is it because he can't stand himself so much that his own visage fills him with such violent anger? Both? ;~; Such a broken kid. Even now it continues!!!!

Something I do love about this sad era, though, is seeing how much of an influence Nana had on him. How all of these habits that Nol clings to like a safety line are things she introduced - from the healthy eating to bulking him up so that he would never appear "weak" to others, to running as an outlet, the punching bag - and it makes sense why he holds to them so strongly. These are his lifelines. If he strays from them, maybe he fears he cannot control himself, that it will all come back.

But also ;~; the way it was Nana who taught him make up. That one really got to me. Here I'd thought it was Alyssa but instead it was Nana who taught him to hide his eyebags ;~; I'm tender I can't handle any of this ;A;

And when finally he trusted her enough to approach her WITH those requests. To cut his hair. To hide his eyebags. His body language leading here is SO devastating - always shrinking in on himself, holding himself, withdrawing until he's as small as he can be, the hunched shoulders. It's so visible when he doesn't feel comfortable yet, when he doesn't feel safe, vs the conversation they have when he lays on the couch beside her reading the Alchemist, looking a little more relaxed.

AND THE REVEAL ;A; THAT NESSA ;A; CALLING HIM ;A; HER LITTLE TIGER ;A; WAS A HANDMEDOWN FROM NANA DOING SO TO HER ;A; OH I CAN'T FUCKING HANDLE IT ;A; I won't go on a spiral about Nessa missing her mother as she gave birth all alone but listen ;~; and Nol's reaction to be called something by this woman who he doesn't really know, that his own mother used to call him, something he hasn't been called in so long now. PEAK DEVASTATION I CAN'T HANDLE IT.

We also get the barest clue about Yeonggi, which makes me continue to think that Yeonggi was someone in the facility who, unlike the others, tried to help him. "The name gave him comfort in darkness." Possibly a name he stole off of someone else who comforted him and tried to make him feel better throughout the nightmare ordeal. I like to hope it was an employee who tried to quietly help him as much they could. I think it's still possible they could have been another patient, too, but I just feel like a part of the faculty makes the most sense to me right now?

Nana has equipped Shinae with so much knowledge to better understand Nol - all the stuff he's kept to himself, that he's never dared speak to her. And while it still doesn't explain him in the way she seeks, I think it explains it enough for her to begin to understand. She revealed her story to him in hopes that it would make him understand that she would never hold anything against him, that she understands we are all dealt different hands in life, and maybe with Nana's insight, now she can begin to understand why Nol was never going to open that up. That it wasn't her, that it's not a lack of trying - that he's so much more broken than she ever knew. That she mostly knows Yeonggi, and Nol is such an unknown entity to her, full of secrets and darkness he himself fears.

And knowing his fear of Yui, I think maybe she'll at least try to make some connections about what happened in the mental health hospital and Yui.

When Nana suggested she write letters to Nol (it didn't miss me that Shinae IMMEDIATELY jumped to LOVE letters - GIRL we all see right through you LMAOOOOOOOO of course that would be your first thought you mooney ol crushy wushy obsessed thing), Shinae doesn't seem convinced that it will do any good - that Nol will just ignore them and won't read that. And that may well be the case. But I hope one of her takeaways from what Nana has told her is that what Nol needs - what convincing could look like to him - is persistence and effort. We also know Nol tends to fold when it comes to Shinae and if she keeps writing him letters, even if it's just to talk about the mundane, to keep him up with what's going on, it could convince him. That she means it that she cares. That she's trying.

I don't know that she'd be able to feel comfortable talking about her feelings. Sometimes things are easier written than spoken, so maybe if she began to send letters more regularly, she could do that - if only talking about how much she misses him and wishes she were able to see him and wants to know that he's okay and wishes he wouldn't keep to himself and would open up or something. I think for Nol, persistence is important. More than that, not giving up is important, too.

Someone in our server pointed out that Shinae's fixation on the lack of photos in her own life could maybe lead her to take photos to send to Nol in lieu of being comfortable with writing letters herself - ways to keep him included on her life, a reason to take photos and someone with whom to share them, and I agree that would be really lovely to see! I think she could, over time, learn to open up via writing and use both, and that this could be convincing to Nol - emulating the contents of the Bible, something clearly so intimate and full of love, in her own way. ;~;

Ugh this makes me all the more excited to see what actually transpires when he's released from jail lmao but I STILL WANNA SEE HIM IN JAIL, TOO. I'm just eager for EVERYTHING tbh, let's be very real here.

The photo Shinae is going to show Nana has me curious because I had forgotten that the photo from the Bible hasn't actually been shown yet, so I was really hopeful she had something to show Nana that was Nessa and Nana related, tbh. But given that it's a photo Shinae has on her phone, I'm guessing she took a picture using her phone of the photo and the webtoon reveal will be next week, on Shinae's phone. I still want something of Nessa and Nana but I'm just a sucker for the tragic Lochlainn women like that, hahaha.

I'm also REALLY wary of Nana clutching her chest in pain like that. It makes me wonder if she's hiding something from Nol or not ;A; Trying to say it's a result of caffeine... ma'am I am NOT that dumb. Actual heartache over her daughter and the idea that she and Rand never even MET - that all this time she was living here alone and it was all for naught, that her death was in vain, that kicking her out was in vain, that at least she could have raised her grandson together with her daughter and never left her in such a space of isolate ;~; I know we've got heavy death flags on Rand and we've been anticipating Nana's death, too, but I'm really worried about which one of them will go first. Esp with Nol refusing to see anyone - including Nana - in jail ;~; If he refuses to see her and she passes before he gets out, his self-loathing will increase tenfold, but I wonder, too, if he would hold Kousuke and/or Yui accountable for that rage, since the reason he even plead guilty in the first place was to get away from them, to escape Yui and her reach.

Nol's anti-hero arc is already beginning to unfold and I think jail will really reinforce it as he makes his connections and that time shapes him, but.... I think the possibility of losing Nana when he's refusing to see her in jail could absolutely begin his "villain arc" if you will...

I didn't do a good job with my reread at the end and I keep forgetting that the whole "Nol turning himself in" precedes Shinae's bonkers processing dream, because somewhere in the back of my mind, I was half-convinced Shinae would be getting biscuits with Nana - which I think was just a leftover hope from waaaaaaaay back when that ep dropped in the first place? I really need to go back and finish rereading everything from the Christmas party arc - I've left off at 219, so I'm not too far off! But these are also the eps I've re-read the least so they're the ones not as cemented in my mind, clearly lol. ANYWAY.

Shinae's inability to sleep feels both like a double-whammy of the effects of her most recent head trauma combined with the intense stress she's going through - the way she's centering Nol's situation and her fear of losing him, above all else going on in her life. The insomnia has been a recurring theme since her fall, but I think it's worth noting that stress obviously seems to amplify things, and we see her in this state of restlessness (she wants to do something, feels she MUST do something anything or else risk losing Nol) despite how tired she is but unable to sleep. That is insomnia for me - your brain is just WIRED despite how weary you are, your eyes ache, you yearn for sleep, but there's restless energy or a too active brain that just won't allow it. To be fair, she probably would have had this bout of insomnia regardless, but I think it's worth noting that this seems to be an after-effect of her fall at the formal.

Recall that she's never gone for that follow up appointment she was supposed to make.

The Nessa letter she reads about Nol paints such a beautiful picture of what he was like - something that coincides with what we knew of Nol when he first met Kousuke even - and it makes knowing how he's ended up hurt all the more. Once upon a time he was this rambunctious kid who with all this pent up energy who wanted to explore everything and befriend everyone, a fearless sweetheart who saw the world through such wholesome eyes.

And then the world crushed him.

There's also the way Nessa notes that he was once upon time just 1 kg!!!! fighting to survive. (In her curious cat updated answers, quimchee notes that children born prematurely have an increased of myopia, which we know Nol to have.) Between this and Nessa saying she had an abortion, it's easy to surmise that Nol was very likely the result of a failed abortion - not that she didn't get the abortion but that she did and it failed. Also of note is that abortions in Northern Ireland were not legalized until 2019. Those who wanted to get an abortion could get them in the UK after 1967, however, from how we saw the flashback with Nessa and Rand play out, Nessa did not travel to have hers. She instead would have had to illegally have her procedure performed. Often, these under cover procedures can fail, or even kill the pregnant person, for a myriad of reasons - not being able to perform them as well as one would in a clinic with proper access to necessary tools and medications; having to resort to unsafe methods; etc.

Nol, who was never supposed to exist, who was literally aborted out of existence, but persisted nonetheless, was born premature fighting for his life, just a frail little thing that no one even knew would survive. Wasn't supposed to survive. In a way, Nol has been fighting his whole life. He may have had that brief reprieve growing up with his good, happy memories with his mother, but even the moment he came into this world he was fighting his very existence. This poor kid has taken a beating from the moment he was conceived ;~;

I love how, of course, Shinae's take is "god he's always been a lil shit huh" holding the orange representing him to her dang mouth!!!!!! and thinking about the way he looked at her, about the dance before it was all ruined. And it doesn't miss me that the lines that stand out to her are "Chasing and chasing..." and "Until my heart gives out", which of course resonate so deeply with her given that is her current state - chasing and chasing and chasing until her heart gives out because nothing else will stop her. ;~;

(I, however, would like to point out the line "I swear this boy will be the death of me one day" which Rand has also said and is a large death flag for him. I'll get more into this line in my next post, however.)

I ALSO did not miss that Shinae is BLUSHING - pink blushing, not flustered but feeling full on embarrassed and maybe even hmm not quite ashamed but perhaps that's the closest thing about her crush. "Look at you, having FEELINGS. Look at you, getting MUSHY over this letter!"

Shinae's realization about her feelings may be dancing naked in front of her face but she's still not ready to acknowledge it or embrace those feelings, to accept the effect he has on her, even though it's now making itself so readily known. The blush is her now aware and trying (and failing) to escape and it god bless her this would ordinarily be such a cute stage if there wasn't so much riding on the line and if she didn't feel him slipping away between her fingers. The agony of realizing you've fallen for someone without even realizing it! coupled with the fear and feeling of him leaving forever must feel absolutely horrible.

(I also want to point out that this girl continues to write her whole literal schedule on her white board despite the whole break in debacle. I don't know if it's the upgraded locks and security lulling her into a false sense of security or just the fact that a result of Shinae's head trauma appears to be slower processing and therefore not always being aware of important details or remembering things. This isn't to say I think she forgot she was broken into of course, just that I think it's slipped her mind to be vigilant because of that false sense of security, perhaps? She's relaxing and she wasn't exactly hyper aware to start out with.)

There's something kind of funny that the first person Shinae thinks to call in order to transfer these letters to Nol is Kousuke, given everything she's witnessed, but I guess it makes sense when you know he's at least family and maybe he has some method lol but also baby girl we know better right now. I do, though, appreciate her worrying about him and wondering, although she is not prepared to find out how he's doing and how much worse it will eventually get. Of course he's not answering right now - I imagine this is taking place at the same time as Shinhye and Kousuke are conversing at his place - but it still makes me feel a deep ache, because we know Kousuke is slipping away and even if Shinhye were not there, he was not going to answer a call even if the phone wasn't turned off.

Being able to contact Nana, though!!!! I love that we're getting more Shinae and Nana and I've honestly been so looking forward to this! Their intros to each other were absolutely bonkers but getting to see them interact as people (and not a joke lol) and Shinae continue to learn how much she doesn't know, how much she's been left in the dark, and what Nana's personality is really like, is just so exciting to me! It's not even for the "oooh interacting with his faaaamilyyyyy" kind of reasons, though I guess it does stand to reason that Nana can tell her about the things Nol has kept hidden, that she doesn't have the same view as Kousuke, and isn't the same kind of outsider as Dieter.

But before we get to that, we cannot ignore the most painful part of the episode - Shinae and Simhan's conversation. UUUUGGGGHHHH.

The thing Simhan continues to not understand - and probably won't understand and will be the result of whatever rift comes to pull them apart of whatever conflict arises soon - is that Shinae wants to be a TEAM. She doesn't want more secrets, she doesn't want to be babied and protected, she wants to KNOW and be AWARE of what looms over them. And Simhan refuses to do this. Based on Shinae's assessments - they're all up to date on their bills, Simhan's refusal to talk to Shinae about her mother or reveal anything about her real nature - the debt looming over him must be connected to her. We've long-since theorized that part of their debts was Shinae's mother gambling debts - that they are tied to Simhan in whatever way. Did he take out a loan for her, did she do anything in his name, etc etc. It seems to be true, now, if this is something he won't tell her about and is keeping in the dark, while Shinae is aware of the situation with all their other bills.

This also seems very likely because even before they had medical debt, Simhan was always struggling with Shinae - he was always taking on extra shifts even before her fall; it was part of what made her feel so alone back then. This could have been that the move and the new neighborhood were costlier than prior, but it seems that he was always trying to pay down that debt. Then, he entered medical school and had to cover that out of pocket (he'd only be reimbursed once he completed and maintained a certain average) and he's spending their little remaining money on beer and he needs to keep picking up shifts to cover the costs and the cycle just feeds into itself. Then came the medical debt. It seems like he's been haunted by some debt even before everything came to a head, and now after everything else they've been through, it's become a bigger problem than it ever was before. :/

And of course he could TELL Shinae about this but he doesn't want her to contribute to his problem - even though this debt could land him in legal trouble - and he doesn't want to tell her about the debt because he refuses to tell her about her mother even though, again, it's all so necessary! Simhan tries so had to protect Shinae, but all his efforts to protect her do are make things worse. It drives them apart and puts him in bad positions. He's here talking about the future Mina is dreaming up for them (l o l @ Shinae thinking it's Simhan pushing for them moving in together like Mina isn't the one trying to rush things and he's the one going along with it) as if what's happening now won't derail it all.

And on top of that, he is once again dismissive of Shinae's feelings. From her vantage, there's no reason for him to work so much, esp during the holidays. She nearly lost him and has endured literal nightmares to save him, to help him out, to keep them afloat while he was half-dead. If everything is good with the bills, why is he toiling away when she wants to spend more time with him again?

I think the lack of savings funds could be a good argument, but willingly working a double to build up savings with no regard for your daughter's feelings feels.... idk. It makes sense but WE unfortunately know there's another debt that he's hiding from her and we also have the foresight to know this will not end well.

The worst part is that Shinae will never learn any of this from Simhan, but most likely from Yui, whose time as Isabele will glean a lot of useful information to use to ruin the father daughter relationship and further alienate Shinae and make her feel how very on her own she is. Subconsciously she knows the path she's on is a dead end. She's fighting her father to prove he'll be a team player, that he'll focus on the family. In a way, I think if something comes to harm, wouldn't she almost resent him? Because she endured so much to protect them, to save him, pulled all those hours at two jobs, entered a contract without even reading it out of desperation, ended up at a nightmare formal where she was supposed to be trafficked and instead had another fall another head trauma another night of trauma all for him to throw it away because he refuses to be honest with her and open up and treat her like a team ;~;

We know I've been anticipating the Shinae/Simhan fall out and listen guys I'm never gonna be ready, I can't take it I can't do it. I still always hope it will end with reconciliation, a foil to Nessa and Nana, but I still! Can't! Bear it! I don't want to endure it!!!!

There's some really interesting things re: Nana's expressions I'd like to point out in this ep. When Shinae first shows up at her place, the expression on her face resembles an old, blinding Yeonggi smile - I don't know much about Nana's masks and I really need to go comb episodes with her and figure them out. I don't know that eyes closed = lying strictly with her, though I do think it's very interesting where we see these instances. This one especially stands out to me because it very much IS a mask vs an outright lie - Shinae apologizing for coming so late and Nana telling her she's "happy to have her over any time", while wearing this Yeonggi expression and initially playing up the kindly sweet granny.

The other instance that stands out to me is after she assures Shinae that yes, Nol won't be letting her visit him in prison, "He's not letting me visit him either. He's allowing no one." This one especially stands out because it makes me wonder - is Nana lying and Nol will at least allow her to visit him? Is she choosing to give him the space she knows he wants? The emphasis on no one, which we've often known to be a stand in for Nol, but doesn't feel the case here. On the one hand I don't doubt that Nol would bar even Nana from visiting him, but the closed eyes make me wonder otherwise, if it's not so direct as that?

Tbh I find Nana a very interesting character who I think I understand but I'm still trying to internalize lol.

Like, seeing the home and how empty it is, how devoid of their personalities, makes a lot of sense. Nana being the kind of simple woman who would much prefer it they had a smaller, cozier place to live? That makes sense! But trying to understand what some of her closed eyes mean.... I'll have to go back to earlier episodes and see how they've been utilized!

Nana mentioning that they live here before they never wanted them living under the same roof is really interesting because when I read Kousuke's account of their pasts, I guess I interpreted it as there being a time when he did live with them, and had always wondered - did they have him in a guest house? To be fair, Kousuke made the timeline a little unclear lol.

One of my favorite things about this episode though is Nana's reaction to seeing Nessa's handwriting and letters that she knew nothing about ;~; I have so much ache for the Lochlainn women in my heart, so much ache for the relationship that never got to reconcile, the loss that can never be healed ;~; Nana's regret that will haunt her to the very last moments of her life, and what it feels to have cast away your child in such a way it ended up with them dying ;~; Ugh I can't. To see her handwriting again after all these years. That must be so emotional for her. Whether or not those letters make it to Nol (and I do hope they eventually do), I'm glad Nana got her chance to see them, too. I hope there's more in there that might reassure her about her daughter - though I guess no matter what, it can only deepn that ache, reopen that wound, to step for moments into her shoes to experience the parts of her life she never knew about, the parts she was never privy to.

;~; ;~; ;~; ;~;

I love all the major lore drops we've been getting, all the confirmations and the new info and the things we didn't think we'd be getting so soon re: Nol's past and esp Nessa and Rand's past, but I've been chomping at the bit to get back to Kousuke and Shinhye, esp given that's where we started out hiatus out at! And oh my GOD the waiting has been so worth it, this episode was SO delicious.

Kousuke is SO soggy, so sad and miserable, and I just want to bundle him up in a swaddle. I keep that man in my pocket forever. He's my adoptive son and I will try to fix everything ;____;

The state of pure misery he's in over finding out so much of Yui's love was a lie is just brutal. The way he states that he feels like he can't go on when asking Shinhye how she dealt with it and moved on, because the weight of this enlightenment is so heavy and crushing. Because what can you trust and believe when your very own mother, your loving mother was a lie and did nothing but manipulated you?

I love his entire conversation with Shinhye because while Kousuke is dealing with something grievously horrible, Shinhye is right. His suffering doesn't negate others. She, too, has never gotten to know a normal and affectionate family. She, too, suffered from the hands of an abusive, manipulative mother, who put her in harms way and used her. It was so important for Kousuke to have this conversation and know that no matter how alone he currently feels, he is not the first and only person in the world to go through this experience. He's not alone. And the most depressing part is how much he appreciated that conversation, how much it meant to him.

He may be pulling a Rand in wanting to pay someone off to keep their silence, but I think it was really telling that Kousuke asked how much she needed, noting the debts she's caught in, noting that she's still trying to break fully free of her mothers' hold and that it would likely require monetary assistance to do so. We know Kousuke so often throws his money around in a pompous, show off-y way, but this didn't feel like that. This felt like someone who found a kindred spirit and wanted to help them fully escape. It's a large deviation from the Kousuke who refused to help Shinae out as a monetary favor earlier in the webtoon, and while he's VERY inebriated and would likely not have made such an offer, his inebriation also lets us know that this is raw, vulnerable Kousuke without his guard up, shed of the role he's been trained to play.

We see this, too, in the way Kousuke wants to know Shinhye's name because it doesn't feel right to keep calling her Miss Housekeeper. They've made a connection, he feels a kindred spirit with her, how can he just keep calling her by her job when she deserves to be addressed by name? I genuinely love this side of Kousuke, even if we have to see him at his soggiest, most pathetic to see it. That there's a part of him that does care about people, that does know how to be good to people, under the hard armor and the reflexes drilled into him to loft himself above others and to keep people at arms' length.

Even his inebriated ability to admit how much he envies people with normal, loving families. We can get that sense of the many ways Shinae has appealed to him - Shinae with her remarkably good relationship with her father (in his eyes). Shinae who treats her father to simple treats because these are things they share - something he's never had with Rand and has only yearned for.

And speaking of her, my GOD I love the moment he addressed "her" when he denied her phone call, admitting he simply cannot talk to her, esp like this, that he needs to talk to her face to face to address the ways he treated her. My gut leans to sober Kousuke not having the resolve to have that conversation, but I'd love to be surprised by h him. It's harder for him to face Nol, but maybe facing Shinae and admitting that yes, he was trying to mold her and he knows it was wrong and that he sincerely apologizes for it could be easier. He definitely isn't proud of the way he emulated Yui fully.

I think it could be the start of an interesting relationship between the two, as well, to have this understanding out there. Again, with all the puzzle pieces that Shinae is collecting about Nol, for Kousuke to admit that he was trying to create an extension of himself in her (and it doesn't miss me that his eyes were closed when he said this, which means I think it's still not out the window that what else he was doing was seeking a do-over with Nol via Shinae, to do everything he thought he could have and should have with Nol) it might give her a better understanding of Kousuke and some insight into why Nol was never able to stand Kousuke and why they've never been able to get along. I don't think Kousuke would dare admit he found himself behaving like his mom because that opens a can of worms that he's not ready for, but I think genuinely for Shinae, a sincere apology is all she'd ask for.

But as much as I love soggy wet cat patheticest man in the world Kousuke, I ALSO LOVE so much that we got such a significant peek into Shinhye's past and the things that transpired since leaving Simhan and Shinae.

The reveal of her mother being so manipulative and abusive is, unfortunately, not a surprise and kind of what I was expecting, right down to Shinhye leaving her mother and probably having had to fend for herself for quite a while. Shinhye is 13 months older than Shinae, who is 17 yet, to turn 18 in April, which means Shinhye turns 19 in March. She's so young!!! All this while I thought she was at least 21 but no, she's SO young! And she's already saddled with debt from her mothers' mistakes (gambling, various ploys to get more money, get out of debt/shed her debt, etc). Shinhye notes that she used her (probably pushed her into situations to play a role to con people), neglected her (we even saw this when she still lived with Shinae and how Mom was never home to tuck the kids in), and "put her in dangerous situations".

This opens the door to a LOT of things. Dangerous situations could be so many things. Taking her to seedy places and leaving her on her own around creepy people while she goes and takes care of business. Making her go break into peoples' houses to go steal from them (she has to have learned to break and enter and sneak so well somewhere). It's even been suggested that she could have been "offered" to men in some way because she didn't seem very comfortable taking Kousuke's money. Honestly, there's so many dangerous situations she could have put her own daughter in, whether to garner money or because she herself was trying to get money/curry favors and her daughter just happened to... be there.

I do find her refusal to take Kousuke's money interesting, because while I understand her not wanting to do a money transfer (she doesn't want to give her name, it would be traceable, and while she probably took the coat and watch under the impression that he wouldn't notice those things missing as he has so many, if he did notice, she wanted to be untraceable and long gone), she still could have taken the cash and ran. I think she really did experience a moral dilemma of sorts - that she'd already taken what she did and taking more after making this connection felt gross. But I think we can't discount the possibility of taking money as being something that makes her feel uncomfortable, even if it would have aided her with her debts. And maybe that was part of it, too - as much as she wanted to take him up on the offer, she couldn't, because of the tracing. Idk. I like to think it could be both - the wanting to but the tracing as well as the guilt, feeling bad that this person opened up so fully to her, and she's robbing him in front of his eyes LMAO and didn't want to take more than she had that would be even more suspicious. I think it creates an interesting read into her.

Unfortunately I worry what will happen with Kousuke finding out she was stealing from him. I feel like he won't call the police because she said she's been struggling and he might actually empathize with this and understand she did what she did out of a struggle, but it could absolutely shatter his trust all over again. The person who made him feel less alone, who made him feel seen and validated was a thief and how much can he actually believe. How much of what she told him was real vs how much was to get his guard down? I really want to hope for the impossible he thinks that this is what she does to feel alive, to get by, but I worry more than anything he'll just feel worse. Betrayed, again. ;~;

It doesn't help that just moments before this, he knicked himself accidentally on his razor and her line about "what makes you feel alive" was set upon the panel of him dripping blood. I've always worried he'll cope with alcohol addiction and maybe drugs but I'm SO worried about the likelihood now of self-harm.

Also once again, shout out to Jayce, who may not be the father but is the father who STEPPED up because my GOD does that man care about Kousuke. His worry after the homeless man who received Kousuke's leftovers was found dead the next night (ate the leftovers, got knocked out so hard that frostbite got him and he never woke back up ;~;) and presumed to be because of alcohol, he thought immediately of Kousuke and went right back to his place to check on him, AND apprehended a thief, all while worried whether or not Kousuke was okay. I fear for Jayce's life all the time because I worry Yui is going to do something to him, esp now that he's keeping Kousuke's secrets but PLS do not harm that man. Kousuke needs him. His family needs him ;~;

There is something so painfully devastating about every time ILY confirms to us something we have long-since known or suspected through nuance, foreshadowing, reading between the lines, etc: That Kousuke isn't Rand's biological son, that Shinae was at the formal for Gun Kim, that Kousuke has been manipulated his whole life. Nothing in this episode regarding Kousuke is actually new to us. We have known, and talked about, for months and months long before the confirmation reveal that Yui drugs Kousuke - that he has been manipulated by her his entire life, that she orchestrated his life to manipulate him into situations she could take advantage of. It's the way she spoke about Rand's affair around Kousuke, the way she commodified Rand's love so Kousuke became convinced he'd never earned his father's love, the way she spoke of their family vs others and convinced him from such a young age that everyone was out to get them, to destroy them, and that he couldn't let them get close, couldn't let them near - and how Nol was very much a target planted in his mind.

But it's the fact that he is speaking of this and acknowledging it! Until now, Kousuke has heavily lived in denial. Again, we know this. We talk a lot about the chasm between reality and the reality he believes in. We talk a lot about how Kousuke couldn't face reality, even though on some level he knew everything he believed and was told was not quite true not quite real, but that he was so afraid of the truth, he couldn't do it. Kousuke admitting that he's been driven by fear and envy explains everything about him, and why he could not accept the only unwavering unconditional love he was offered.

A few weeks ago I saw a video on instagram of this father talking about a conversation he had with his daughter, who was feeling a little uncomfortable with her friend group. A new girl started to play with her and her best friend and she said she wasn't exactly jealous, but that maybe it was that she was afraid that there wasn't enough love to go around. Her dad had to explain to her that love is not like a pizza - it's not finite, a limited amount that could be taken and hogged by someone else. But Kousuke never learned this. His father's love was commodified and he was made to fear this other kid who he mistakenly believed knew a version of his father he'd never been privy to. He never learned that love is finite, that Rand could have enough love for the both of them, and feared that Nol would hog it all - that he WAS hogging it all because whether or not it was good or bad, Nol received more attention that Kousuke did. And that speaks VOLUMES about how Kousuke sees Rand, what he thinks of their relationship. In his mind, he is still unworthy, that he's not noteworthy enough.

This part gets to me so badly. We, as omniscient readers, know that Rand has tried his best, but that Yui runs a spectacular interference with which he can't compete, largely because of the roles their family have placed them in - Rand the busy businessman, Yui the mommy homemaker. But no matter how hard he tries, it isn't good enough. Rand tries to reach Kousuke, but the manipulation and paranoia are so far gone that the times Rand does have the chance to convey his feelings, Kousuke can't even believe it, because he thinks he's not good enough to deserve that love, that he hasn't fully qualified for it yet. And despite that, Nol, who Kousuke feels hasn't done half of what he has to deserve Rand's love, gets the attention. It doesn't matter that it's negative attention, that Rand barks at Nol, that Nol feels Rand hates and regrets him, because ultimately, it's still more than Kousuke receives. And worse, to him, every time Rand is busy reprimanding Nol, he turns away from Kousuke to do it.

I want to make it clear that this is a deep trauma point of Kousuke's. He's never learned healthy love and the only person who gave him healthy love was someone he was set to fear and fight. Something I think about a lot is the flashback to Kousuke, in the bushes, watching Nessa and Nol's display of warm affection, before Yui appears literally looming before him. In that moment, he witnesses something he's been deprived of. "We're not like other families"'. He's told from a young age he shouldn't compare himself to those healthy families, to warm and affectionate relationships that he will not cultivate in this household. From such a young age it is normalized, that they aren't like others, that they are cold and distant. From a young age, he's made to stuff down his feelings, his tender wants and desires, in order to earn them. To be a good little boy who makes his parents proud. To make his father look his way.

There's also something about the way he says "I've been a good boy" that echoes Shinae learning she's been manipulated by Yui, devastated and angry and yelling about how she's been a good girl so why do these things keep happening to her, all she wanted to do was help her dad. Two people who, from a young age, felt they had to be so obedient, so good, to not be a burden, and despite following the rules, despite doing as they were told, despite trying to be whatever version of "good" they believed in, the world still beat them up and mistreated them. The world still punished them.

As Rin in our discord server pointed out, though, to some degree, Kousuke is very much a person who can - and does - act out, when he's emotionally high-strung. He's a volatile man, and it's largely to do with the fact that he's been drugged to placate him for so long. He never learned emotional regulation, he never learned how to deal with high-stress situations or to face conflict or to own up to things. This is something that some readers who hate Kousuke and expect him to act a certain way because of his age are missing. You don't just learn these things with age. You learn them with experience and Kousuke was deprived of the opportunity TO have those experiences. He never had to learn these behaviors, and now as an adult he cannot function when overwhelmed.

Idk this whole episode is just heartbreaking. It's devastating. I remember when I was someone praying on Kousuke's downfall and now I want to take it all back ;___; I always believed he had to crash and burn to be able to see the world for what it really was and to face his fears, but this is somehow so much worse.

And even though he's drunk, I don't think he's going to forget all of this in the morning. Rather, I think what he's voicing are things that have been plaguing him since waking up in the hospital. From that moment, we saw him wary and distrustful of his mother, we saw his concern for Nol rising above everything else, but grappling with the understanding that he doesn't deserve to stand in front of Nol anymore. These aren't epiphanies coming to him just because he's drunk; it's more like he's only voicing them because he's drunk. But even when he sobers up, he will probably still be haunted by these fears, these agonies, these truths, this understanding.

How does he face his mother after this? How does he face anyone? He may not even feel like he can trust Jayce - who while very kind to him, is still employed by his family. He may not even feel like he can trust Hansuke (though I really hope that's not the case).

He's so miserable and it genuinely hurts to have him lay it all out for us - everything we've known and suspected, like how it was so painfully clear he WANTED Nol's friendship, their brotherhood, but feared it, didn't believe that there was enough love to go around, that there could only be one of them and that even if it was for good or bad reasons, Nol cast him in the shadow. And all these years, watching as Nol, as Yeonggi, grew into this person who sounded so very much like this unknown version of their father, someone funny who makes others laugh, someone goofy, someone so boyish in the ways Kousuke was never allowed to be. Watching as he gathers friends, while Kousuke, so unlikeable, is wanted only for his money, for his status, for the clout.

He doesn't even know WHO HE IS! Questioning his own traits he's believed of himself, wondering if this is even him, if these parts of him are real or does he just act it, say it, pretend it, while trying to fulfill a role he was shoved into. That makes me feel SO deeply sad, because it's something I've been anticipating for so long: Kousuke wondering WHO he really is, how much of him is real and how much of it is the result of manipulation.

And that moment that he catches himself and says no no that's offensive and rude you can't be like that. ;AAA;

For him to admit how much he envies others, how much he craves the kind of connection others have, the kind of family others have, to feel that love and warmth that he's been deprived of, forced to endure this solitude because, as he believes, he didn't get the good parts of Rand. And what will happen when he learns that Rand isn't his father? That he never stood a chance to inherit any of those traits. Kousuke has operated on this belief that, if he tries hard enough, he can earn the things he craves, but I fear learning about his parenthood will make him think that no matter how hard he tried, he would never earn that, because none of it was ever him, could have gone to him.

I think this is where Shinae, in the future, will come in. I feel so very strongly that she will be someone who helps Kousuke to see that this isn't true, that these kinds of personality traits aren't something inherited, but rather something learned. For him to one day realize it's the paralyzing fear that holds him back, not his genetics. Of course, I acknowledge this will still take a lot of therapy but...

Something else very remarkable to me is the way Kousuke recognizes Shinae in Shinhye, because their eyes "feel the same" and he opens up to her - on some level, whether or not he is consciously aware of it, Kousuke knows, or maybe just wants to, that he can trust Shinae. That she is someone who is safe. He even knows how she feels about his mother. I don't think we'll see a lot of Kousuke and Shinae's friendship until we're passed our timeskips, but it makes me feel a little hopeful about it, that she'll be able to reach him, because she feels like someone who is safe. It's the way he sees Nol in her and wants to try to have that do over, a relationship with someone who  has unconditional love for him. It's the way he knows he mistreated Nol, that it was wrong, that he took it all out on this kid he was so afraid of because he had no other outlet, and he wants to do better but knows that there's nothing to salvage anymore.

But also, it just makes me hope more and more that in the future we WILL see a reconciliation between the brothers. As I say every time, it doesn't mean they have to become brothers or friends, but I just want them to see each other fully. Kousuke knows what he did to Nol. He doesn't deny it, even if he might not say it out loud unless he's drunk. But Nol is still so in the dark. Yujing is trying to tip him off and make him aware of it, but I hope one day when Nol realizes it, when he finds out that Kousuke, too, was Yui's victim, that he wasn't the only one, that Kousuke was made to fear Nol's love, he might.... understand. I'm saying understand here loosely because I don't want people to get the idea that I mean Nol will forgive him and Kousuke will be justified, but rather that Nol would be able to understand why Kousuke felt that way, and move on. But I can't help but hope that it will lead to an understanding, a reconciliation, where maybe they can try to be in each other's lives.

I think it's also interesting that Shinhye was somewhat honest, even if she wasn't very forthcoming, with Kousuke about her own family. It sounds like her mother has been gone for a long time, that she's been on her own the whole while, and I think it reinforces the idea that she believes both that Simhan is her father and that he rejected her, that he didn't want anything to do with her. It lines up, too, with how she feels that he wouldn't react well if he saw her (although I think she credited that to looking like their mother). In the same way that Shinae has felt abandoned and cast aside by their mother, Shinhye probably thinks their father never tried reach out, to find them, to maintain a relationship with her. Or perhaps it's that her mother fed her lies about him, made her believe him a different type of man, made her believe there would never be anything of their relationship to salvage. And given that she's the one who Kousuke opened to, it makes me think that there must be some kind of parallel there; the way she mentioned her own mother feels like maybe her mother, too, was a manipulative - or at the very least, dishonest - person.

I don't speculate a lot on Shinhye because frankly I don't think I know enough about her to really try to talk about her, but I do think that it's very likely there's some kind of connection between Shinhye and the Hirahras or Gun. To be clear, I don't believe she's working with Yui at all. I think it's more like... Alyssa isn't the only girl who has been trafficked by Gun. What's the likelihood that Shinae and Shinhye's mother was? Given her history, the gambling addiction that was so egregious her reputation haunted Shinae and chased her to a new neighborhood and school, was she seeking money somewhere else, somewhere more dangerous? Is that part of why they had to change their name? There's so many questions left about them, and I look forward to learning more about her, but, much like with Alyssa, I think it will take time and be dropped in little tidbits like this - things to read into and try to glean something from.

And maybe we'll see more of this duo in the future? It would feel a little weird to give them this one single run in, but I'm not entirely sure. Quimchee likes to keep us on our toes. After all, Minhyuk and Shinhye have also had only the one run in. Still, I think it would be interesting to watch, if Shinhye ever felt.... I want to say maybe compelled? to dig in more to Kousuke, ever feel a kind of kinship. I don't think she'll open up to him at all, but rather, maybe she'd keep going back because a. he's wealthy and there's more she can nick from him (assuming he doesn't realize she stole anything while in his apartment, if he even remembers any of this) and b. wanting to gather more intel.