#sookeh

TRUE BLOOD - EP 102 - The First Taste

One Run-on Sentence to Sum up the Episode: Beel kills the meth heads that tried to kill Sookeh, and saves her life by feeding her his vamp blood, which cures human wounds, and also feeds on her blood, which creates a creepy connection between them that she never asked for; meanwhile, Jason is still a suspect in Maudette’s murder, and the best part of his alibi is him admitting that he’s not that smart; by the end of the episode, Beel is courting Sookeh and they’ve made out in the graveyard between their houses (metaphors).

Episode MVP: Jason Stackhouse: King of facial expressions

Favorite Minor Detail: Sam has a shitty painting of a dog that looks like the one he shifts into hanging up in his trailer watching over an innocent sleeping blonde girl like a creep.

Hottest Moment: Jason really is the initial token sex toy on the series. Sookie is still pure and virginal, so all the nudity and raunchiness is coming from his scenes. He has hot sex with Dawn, and then he gets tied to the bed.

Most Ridiculous Moment: Beel & Sookeh’s blood exchange by the lake. / The dumb final shot of that disturbing vamp doing the eye-roll fang face.

Favorite Line: Jason’s fake laugh after bill tells Sookie’s Gran a lame joke about being the oldest person in the house, technically. 

Most GIFable Moment: Angelina Jolie adopted a vamp baby headline.

Character Ratings

Sooks being Annoying™:  3/5 - She’s extra southern princess around Beel in the early days. 😑😑😑

Beel being Eye-rolling™:  3/5 - He’s laying it on pretty thick with Granny. Pretty lame. 😒😒😒

Eric being BAMF™: 0 - Still no Eric. I’m gonna cry. (Come on, ep. 104) 😎

Sam being Creepy™: 2/5 - He failed at being a creep, because Sooks almost died in his backyard and he did dick all to help. 😕😕

LaLa being LaLa™: 3/5 - Only appeared briefly, but did call Tara “hooka” a lot. 😍😍😍

Tara being Extra™: 3/5 - Getting way too into Jason’s love life, but at least not trying to stir up drama, atm.  😳😳😳

Jason being Stoopid™: 4/5 - Keeps getting relieved that evidence points to him not being a killer, then has to try and convince the cops that are just as dumb as he is that he is in fact too dumb to mastermind that shit. And yeah, he gets tied to a bed and left for hours. 😂😂😂😂

Pam being Sassy™: 0 - Still no Pammy neither. 💅

HURRY UP ERIC & PAM. THIS IS NOT TOO COOL WITHOUT YOU.

Greetings, anyone who decides to read this! Welcome to Char & Jen’s True Blood Rewatch posts. We will be attempting to watch 2 episodes a week if possible, from seasons 1-4 of the frustratingly entertaining camp-fest of an excuse for hottt people to parade around naked, sometimes covered in blood. No plans for anything related to the atrocious seasons 5-7. We’ll probly just continue to pretend like they don’t exist, except maybe to make joking references when talking about earlier episodes and character dynamics. Where the show ended up didn’t remotely resemble where it started, or what it could have been. Watch it with us if you’d like, and check out the episodic Fang Bang Registry for a basic-ass run-down, plus character ratings, steeped in snark and the kind of love/hate feelings only a show as deeply confusing as True Blood can bring out. Away we go. . .

TRUE BLOOD - EP 101 - Strange Love

One Run-on Sentence to Sum up the Episode: Unrealistically virginal, hot, blonde, telepath waitress (Sookeh, circa 20 y/o, terrible “southern” accent) from Bumfuck, LA meets a brooding vampire (Beel, circa 170 y/o, also dubious “southern” accent) with old-fashioned values that match her own, and proceeds to get her ass beat half to death in a parking lot over her dumb crush on said mysterious vampire, while more entertaining characters hang out inside being more interesting.

Episode MVP: Lafayette Reynolds: Sass Master General

Favorite Minor Detail: All the blatant, expositional, ‘pilot episode’ dialogue. Not Alan Ball's finest moment. Lol.

Hottest Moment: Jason Stackhouse sticking his bare ass out in a presentational manner in the first sex scene with Maudette Pickens.

Most Ridiculous Moment: Beel coming into Merlotte's for the second time. He says "Sookeh" a bunch, and everyone stares at them in silence as they talk at a table, and even though Sookeh can hear everyone’s actual thoughts, she still doesn’t understand why they’re looking, because that’s how dumb of a character she is most of the time. The foundation of a super-creepy relationship is illustrated very well here. And then, as a white-knight-no-one-asked-for bonus, Sam comes in and doubles down on the creep factor. Why? Because everyone wants Sookeh's "precious fairy vagina" for their own. They wanna stake their claim (get it?). They wanna be able to walk around all day night proclaiming loudly, “Sookeh is MINE!” (And they will, I promise.) I can’t wait until that one time when she has 5 real dudes with nothing better to do than hang around some shithole town trying to bang her. All supes, too. Lololol.

Favorite Line: [Tara & Lafayette talking to each other, while staring the large redneck customer sitting at the bar right in the face]

Tara: Look at you, scarin' that white boy.

Lafayette: Ain't nobody scarin' him. He too big to be scared. I likes a big man. look at that belly! Dance all over that belly! He can be my Santa Claus.

Most GIFable Moment: Lafayette calling Jason ‘Sex on a Stick.’

Character Ratings

Sookeh being Annoying™:  2/5 - We ain't even seen the tip of the iceberg, just a few moments of her acting holier-than-thou innocent, and being way too honest and open for no reason. Watch how literally wide-eyed she is all the time. 😑😑

Beel being Eye-rolling™:  3/5 - He wanders into Bon Temps acting ridiculous from day one, but he's relatively tame on the Beel scale, atm. 😒😒😒

Eric being BAMF™: 0 (he rolls in on the tidal wave of ep. 104) 😎

Sam being Creepy™: 5/5 - The creeper vibes were strong in early S1. Very cringey. Please stahp. 😕😕😕😕😕

LaLa being LaLa™: 5/5 - Best character intro on the show. Establishes exactly who he is: The best. 😍😍😍😍😍

Tara being Extra™: 4/5 - They make Tara come out swinging right outta the gates. It's appropriate that she's Sookie's best friend, because at her worst, she is also super annoying. That's mostly due to her anger issues, so I like when they let her tone that shit down later on, or at least, put it to better use. 😳😳😳😳

Jason being Stoopid™: 2.5/5 - He was about half-way as dumb as he usually is, so meh. No classic one-liners here yet. 😂😂.5

Pam being Sassy™: 0 (she rolls in with Eric in ep. 104) 💅

Ok - so. When TB was first on, I made it like, S4 premiere. The 2nd time I started watching TB, I made it through maybe half of S4. Now, of course, I’m pushing my way all the way through because... 

For the longest time, Anna Camp was ‘Sarah Newlin’ to me, who I loved, and now Sarah Newlin is “NotAubrey” but I still love her.

Spoilers, I guess?

But that’s not what this is about. This is about at the end of S5, Sookeh tells someone to come in, LIKE A DUMB ASS, because she’s only known them as human. And then, in a fit of panic, tries to run away. And eventually uses chopsticks to get them... But, seriously? I feel instead of screaming “AHH NO” it’d be much faster to like... “I REVOKE YOUR INVITATION” because we’ve seen that shit work super fast.

So, howdy.  Been gone for a bit.  Let's burn that bridge and move on.  Actually, let's just build a small fire under it and let the wood slowly char and crackle for the time being.  Let's talk about True Blood, since in my grand tradition of watching show series years after other people have, I started watching about a month ago on Netflix.  Maybe it was Hulu Plus.  Amazon Prime?  Whatever, let's get to it.

  If you have never watched True Blood, let me explain it to you simply.  It is a soap opera with vampires that takes place in Stinkholeswamp, Louisiana.  It involves three elements: 1. Blood  2. Sex  3. Mythical creatures.

If this appeals to you, fantastic.  It appealed to me too until I started watching it. How people have finished the whole available series baffles me.  It does  have a bitchin theme song.  Honestly, this is what convinced me to watch the show.   I can't find a youtube upload willing to let me embed, but if you are unfamiliar with it, click here:  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vxINMuOgAu8

  I tried, really I did, and I think I got to Season 3 before it started to blur and I started to fall asleep watching it.  I find it very difficult......no......fucking impossible...... to give a damn about the characters, with most so annoying I just want them all to die in a fiery tornado of fire.  And sharks.  A fiery sharknado.  Yes.

Yessssssssssss.

  Let's start our tour with a main character I want to punch every time I see.....Sookie Stackhouse.

    I don't know what anyone wants from you, Sookie, except perhaps to contribute to an orthodontist for your cause.

A tooth gap is a signature for Madonna.  Ms. (Mrs?  I have no idea or fuck to give anyway) Paquin, your tooth gap is not a signature.  It is distracting and unattractive.  I wouldn't hold this against her if her character was likeable, which brings me to.....

    Seriously.  Sookie not only has a dumb name, she does dumb things.  She causes her own tragedies, then whines about them.  It is truly like someone cut off their own foot for no sane reason then bitches that they HAVE to buy a pair of shoes when they only need one.  Shut the hell up, Sookie.  Or, as her fanged paramour calls her.....

      And that brings us to Bill, or "Billiam."  Bill is a vampire and a gentleman who loves Sooookeh.  No one knows why.  He enjoys spending time with her; walking on the beach, watching movies while snuggling on the couch, and viciously slurping her blood.  So romantic.  It's hard to tell sometimes whose side Bill is on, and that gets annoying pretty quickly.  I think it annoys Bill too, because he always looks a bit confused regardless of the situation:This is Bill with the blood-munchies

This is Bill contemplating whether or not he can find his car in the mall parking lot before the sun comes up.  It's so busy this time of year, man.

Bill is ready for his interview.

The man just has no idea what is going on.  Which kinda makes him a good match for Soookehhhh.

Yeah.  "Oh no!  Will he make it into his coffin before the sun rises?"

I don't care.  I can't care.  I am incapable of caring about Bill the fairy-sucking vampire.  Oh, did I mention Sooooookehhhhh is a fairy?  Yeah.  She's a gap-toothed magical fairy.  Whatever.

  Soookkkkkeeeeehhhh has a brother, Jason.  He is ruled by his penis, and is a damn idiot.  Seriously, he should have a helmet and supervision at all times.  He bangs bitches and looks stupid.  That's basically his existence.

  Let's move on to that girl in the above photo with Dickson.  That's Tara, and she's an angry, feisty, sexy woman.  So far, I like Tara.  I want to hang out with Tara.  I do not want to fight Tara and her incredibly strong-looking arms.  Let's get along, Tara.

Arms are for hugging, Tara, I promise!

Let's talk about someone else now.  Let's talk about Sam.

Early in the series, once they've established that you understand this show is about vampires, Sam reveals his talent.  Sam is a bartender/bar owner who can turn into a dog.  And this is where sane people think "That is ridiculous, can this get more ridiculous?"   YES IT CAN.  There are people who turn into panthers or some sort of cat, a lady who turns into a bull goddess person, and I am tired and do not care anymore.  Fuck this show.