#sobernation

14 Feb 2020

For the past few days, I’ve tried things I’ve never tried before.

I’ve meditated to strange chanting. I’ve saved affirmations as wallpaper on my phone and checked them regularly. I’ve set alarm reminders to stop and breathe every hour. I’ve journaled my gratitude. I’ve drawn. I’ve had essential oil baths. I’ve held on tight to a string of beads when I've felt as though my insides are going to snap. I’ve leaned on the amazing people in various sober Facebook groups.

But the biggest thing of all is I HAVEN’T DRUNK ANY ALCOHOL. My biggest and baddest trigger is my trip home from work. I walk 20 minutes to my car, past a bottle shop. I drive 30 minutes past 3 bottle shops. And last night I had to pick my daughter up from circus. I had 30 minutes to kill, which would normally see me sculling wine or cider the whole time.

Last night, the angst I felt was so strong I swear I could see it manifested as a dark cloud in front of me. As I walked past the bottle shop I thought “Yup. I’m having an alcohol craving.” I clutched my string of beads tightly and moved my feet. As I drove past the bottle shops I thought “I’m having a craving for alcohol.” I listed out loud the sensations in my body. I surfed the feelings.

Haven’t been on this app in probably a year or more… idr what all happened after January of 2023 but I will say I started using again, mostly in the summer where I entered residential treatment for the 8th time in 5 years. I stayed from July to November and was given the choice to go back home or go to a TLP… being that it was around the holidays and most definitely just as an excuse, I wanted to go back home to be with family and “help” my mom. Such bullshit. Relapsed immediately and by the end of January 2024 I brought myself to the psychiatric unit at the hospital because my depression had got so bad. I even got high while I was in there. One day after getting released I was taken to jail for two months. It was extremely hard because as I said, I never wanted to go back… but before I got taken to jail I asked my probation officer about Drug court and while I sat (with the possibility of revocation, prison time if so…) in OCJ, she filled the paper work out and I got accepted in march. I am on an ATR(alternative to revocation) and if I fuck up, well imma just not fuck up. But I’m now almost 7 months clean (longest time of sobriety ever!!), working with a sponsor and doing the steps. Chairing and sharing at meetings. I stay at a women’s shelter and work a pretty lame paying job atm BUT I can absolutely 100% say I haven’t been happier then I am right now in my entire life. My confidence, which was never good, is getting better. I’m not on any psych meds which is crazy cause I’ve been on those since I was 12 and I’m now 30… I am on Vivitrol but it’s nothing like being on suboxone. I’m working on my relationships with my babies and things are just really good right now. I really have Drug court to thank for a lot of it. It holds me accountable and I hate to say it but I needed that. I’ll be in the program for at least another year and a half and I’m pretty okay with that. I got my Ls back in November for the first time ever. So I can drive without freaking out and idk. I feel like I’m growing up which is great cause the world doesn’t stop spinning for no one. I won’t lie and say there aren’t days that I don’t think about going back out for just one more time. Some days are harder than most which I’m grateful for the majority not being like that. Idk. People can change. Things DO get better. All it takes is consistency, determination, and ALWAYS getting back up after falling. I remember thinking being a dead beat drug addict was just who I was always gonna be and that my children would be better off without me in their lives. And now… I can’t imagine leaving them ❤️

*clean since 1/23/24🙏🏽

All I ask is for 24 hours that I don't feel like an outsider.

That I don't feel like I'm missing out on this joy that everyone else has access to but me.

That I'm not living this way because terrible things happened that forced me to change. And be different.

I ask for one solid day, where I don't see beers in the park as people bask in the sunshine and glow of their buzz. Or glasses sparkling with bubbles on a restaurant patio as I walk by with my dog and stare at the bucket holding the prosecco as I watch from a different plane of existence. Banished.

I ask for one day where no drinking jokes are made...where being sober is phrased as the downside. The pitfall. The worst thing to be and we all laugh laugh laugh.

I ask for one day. Where I don't feel so alone and different and scarred. And punished. And weird.

Dare I say I wish for one day that I could talk openly about this issue and not get shunned or judged. To celebrate freely that I've hit 290 days of a battle of my life.

I'll be realistic and ask for one day only where I see nothing. Hear nothing. It's just suspended from culture for just a day.

Just 24 hours is all I need.