I Just Wanna Be Happy

I don’t remember my last post on here, I’ll have to check after typing this out and posting it BUT ya girl been thru it the last few months. I relapsed back in July like one time here, one time there and then full on relapse in august. Went to jail October 15th and stayed on a 44 day sanction until November 27th. I got out and relapsed of course on meth and heroin. Which reminds me, I’m not sure if I ever mentioned I started using heroin over a year ago now. And back in august I was narcaned for my first time, and like 4 more times after that. I actually came to terms and accepted the fact that I needed to be in jail because I would have died on the streets from ODing every other day. And I was even grateful for jail but decided I never wanted to go back. So why did I relapse immediately after getting out? Well because I’m an addict obviously. But I knew I needed to stop and do something different. So I immediately got my old job back making pretzels and choose to try MAT(medication assisted treatment) by getting on suboxone. I know it’s basically trading one addiction for another and it’s not technically “clean” but I can honestly say I haven’t touched heroin or meth since December and I really don’t have a desire to. My cravings and triggers only show up when I’m going thru something emotionally/mentally challenging. I was smoking carts of delta 8 from the gas station(weed is illegal in my state still) and trying to push it as far as I could with my PO but I can’t keep violating my probation. Plus CPS would like me to start doing UAs so I can have time alone with my daughter. So the carts are done. So yeah guys, I’m sober! And I really don’t know how I’ve managed to stay so positive and happy especially since it’s winter, and the holidays are always terrible for me, and a few personal relationship issues I’ve had to deal with. The old me would not have been able to deal with these problems at all. I’m really proud of myself. And I really think I’m finally at that point where I’m gonna do it. Im gonna fuckin do it.

It happens so quickly, the loss of control. It doesn’t matter how good you were doing cause that one small taste of the past only gives you seconds until you can’t close the flood gates… fuck dude.

Today I am 125 days sober. I can’t say it’s been amazing like some people have said. I can’t say there wasn’t some close calls where I almost threw everything away. I can’t say I am even happy… but I won’t say it’s not worth it. All my family and loved ones who have said how proud of me they are and being able to financially provide for my kids and family but also to be there physically and emotionally is so very worth it. But despite being absolutely mind altering chemical free in my body, the chemical imbalance in my brain has me feeling totally trapped. I know that years of drug abuse is most likely the cause, I guess I just had this little dumb thought that getting sober would fix it. Fix me. But obviously that’s ridiculous. Suffering from major depression is something I will have to deal with for what I hope isn’t my entire life but for the for seeable future as of now. Med adjustments every dr visit. Meetings. Lots of alone time. Maybe too much. But I can’t help it. I get irritated by most people. Call into work cause waking up feeling absolutely nothing makes me wanna die. I have so much work ahead of me but that fact remains I am 125 days sober and I have done great so far. I just wanna say if anyone else gets to this point, and feels the way I do, just know you’re not alone and to not give up. This can’t be all the like of recovery is. I know there’s more. I know there’s better. And I deserve to not give up on myself in order to find it. And so do you. Much love

Ayeee. So guess who made it to 33 days clean from everything and completed my 3rd out of 8 inpatients in four years?! This chick 😌 ahh. Still have so much more to work on and ducks to get in a row but I finally got that coin from a place I ran twice from. I am so grateful to have got this far because for most addicts, even just one day is more difficult then most people can even comprehend. And I’m doing it! And I will not stop trying. And anyone who may read this, you don’t either. Everyone has to start on day one. Don’t give up. Ever. So much love ❤️

I dont know how to deal with my current life uhm relationships i guess. When you grow up the lost child and shy and full of all kinds of anxiety and then as you get older it develops into empathy and you come to understand that being an empath in a real thing. Like this really something you truly are and you have to figure out how to

I haven’t slept since waking up Christmas Eve morning. My third morning at the psych ward for my most recent suicide attempt. Smfh. Really fucked up and made a whole ass fool of myself this time. But it’s whatever. Today will be day two of not using tweak. Im calling my county’s aoda funding people in the am. Hopefully they’ll fund me so I can go to residential treatment. Hopefully hopefully. I wanna do this. I can do this. Just one day at a time…

Finally reaching that moment of brutal clarity where my soul is screaming to get the fuck out of survival mode and to please just live for once… For years I feel like I’ve been in a giant playground slide that goes straight down and never ends. You just keep sliding down and down and down and hitting the sides of slide and it’s dark and humid but cold and you can’t speak cause the air and the wind and you’re falling down down down. It was sunny once upon a time. And breezy and warm in the bright daylight on a beautiful day with birds and butterflies going in and out of focus. We were just playing on the playground like normal kids.. and I climb into this slide and everything changes and doesn’t stop until you finally slam into the dirt patch at the bottom of the never ending soul eating fucking slide. And it hurts so fuckin bad when your feet hit the ground and you collapse to your hands and knees and this isn’t even the same fucking playground we were at. Nothing. Is. The. Same. Least of all you. Years of falling falling falling. Slamming into the slide and the loud deafening sound of the wind howling past your ears. Fucked up your heelys, bruised your legs, ripped your overalls. This new playground is foggy. Like that stupid movie with the creatures outside hiding in the mist. Like the start of Left4Dead from the Xbox 360. It’s eerie and cool. From what I can tell, I’m completely alone here, wherever the fuck here is. But we don’t freak out. Years of falling in that slide gave us so much time for our perspective to change and it has. Greatly. From a full blown atheist to someone who actually believes that there is a universal loving creator we all came from and will return to one day… I guess the fucking death slide actually wasn’t all bad. But if I had to experience ALL those years of sliding down, obliterating what life “is” just to slam to the ground with a sense of spiritual identity, well honestly I’m not sure if I’d go thru it all again or not. Because this version of us, she’s different. She’s fucking traumatized and heart broken. Her soul feels fragmented and her mind seems to be somewhere else, not present with this new reality. It’s like she’s not here even tho we’re right fucking here, scabbed and bleeding. Tears stream down with no effort or any kind of noise from her. Just blank faced, wet eyes and dry mouth. Bent and broken. But we’re standing on solid ground and that’s all I can think about. Wobbly in the knees we walk to a bench off in the distance. We sit. For the first time in four fucking years. Ahhh. It feels strange, in this swamp apocalypse park but it’s not creepy or scary. It’s comforting. And most importantly, our feet are on solid swamp land. Not so solid, it’s like walking on moss. But it’s a place for our feet to touch and stay still for as long as we want, if we wanted. But nah, we aren’t staying anywhere near that fuckin slide into the abyss. Now, we finally have a chance to live… not just survive the falling falling falling down down down the fucking slide. Was it even a slide? Or did we hallucinate the whole thing? And this is just life. Was just life. Just something we had to experience to become who were meant to be..? Not a slide but a path only the mentally insane choose to go down. Either way, we don’t look back. Can’t. None of it matters. Only what we do onward with our gained demented knowledge from the fucking wormhole, now matters. Live. We have to live.

I haven been sober from tweak since June 20th. Life isn’t so dark rn. It’s light and it’s up and down but it’s getting better.

Ayeee. Guess who gets to join the 27 club tomorrow? Lol nah probably not but it is my birthday and like no big deal. I hate birthdays. Crashed my moms car on mine last year. So I’m like already expecting something less than or negative ya know? It’s just like somehow engrained in me. I’m not expecting anything from anyone and that’s fine cause I really am not the type to want material things. Idk I just feel alone right now I guess cause I’m like doing this one solo. I’m actually making it a point to stay away from using people. My counselor and I have a intensive plan and I’m fully ready. People really don’t think my spiritual awakening was real. Like they really think I just came up with this shit outta no where? Lol… all I am going to do is ME and smile. Sheep will be sheep.

Fucked up once again. But I consciously made the decision cause today is a day for the fuck it’s. Im just so utterly baffled by other peoples behaviors. It is very apparent how you wanna be treated when you start loving and respecting yourself… to a point cause I did just go an un respect myself by getting high and hitting up people I cut off due to not respecting me. Makes sense when it’s your own head making these decisions. Anyways… I’m so angry but at the same time I’m totally like cool because I get it. I’m the most understanding person. I fucking get everything. So I’m not mad at all. Just hurt and sad. It’s my fault for being co dependent but still is a punch to the face everytime someone you consider to be a real friend, shows their true colors. My BEST FRIEND! Someone I connect with on a different level, and definitely crossed paths with in past lives. He’s been my rock. Someone I’ve leaned on to help me stay away from meth. Someone who is on methadone for his past decisions and should understand addiction. At least that’s how I think about it. But I was saying how it’s so hard for me to stay sober on my own, and somehow it turned to him flat out saying “if you get high im not going to be friends with you anymore”. I absolutely get setting boundaries but to say some bs that sounds like “if you relapse I’m not fucking with you anymore”. Like I am actively trying to stay away from meth and get better and fuckin use the only support I got so wtf is the purpose of saying some shit like that to your supposed “bff”. BUT the sensible understanding side knows my friend still hasn’t found himself. He’s got insecurities and is young minded. He’s not yet on the self loving path I am on, so working internally on issues and shit isn’t what he’s tryna do in life rn. And that’s okay. I’m just having trouble dealing with the decision to take myself out of those situations and mourning the loss of my friend. No hard feelings. All love from me. Just from over here for now…

I made it a week plus a day sober from tweak? It’s been dark… I’ve slept more then I needed. Ate more then I should. And just generally don’t want to do anything that has anything to do with existing. Yay! Goin back to bed.

I am having a spiritual emergency. Meth does not help. Although I haven’t got high since yesterday. It’s just the not being able to sleep pretty sure. Added on to my spiritual awakening.aaah fuck. So. Okay I will straight up say when I first began getting into spirituality I did not comprehend how very fuckin real and life altering this is. I did not even fathom the shit I am experiencing rn. I was definitely like a hype on some “woke” kid shit which also went right with the meth kid shit. “Stay woke” Get it? No? You’d have be a tweaker to understand. Anyways i didn’t actually understand or know what spirituality and awakening were. Now I do. This definitely maybe a month ago. Right about the time I started getting so depressed at work, I was having suicidal thoughts I fuckin quit. Like I had to. They might take me back cause it’s a goodwill and they understand my mental health isn’t good. Also a pretty damn good work js. But yeah my grasp on reality started to fuckin um I started losing it lol there were the repeating number all day long everywhere. Synchronicities with everything and ones I literally can not explain. My friend and I were talking about some serious life shit and then later on that day i was goin thru deleting pics when I found a tiktok video that I don’t remember saving or even watching. when it fucking played i literally had to stop for a second and take the time to thank the universe. It was about exactly what my friend and I had discussed. And it was something I needed to hear. I now realize I did a lot of emotional healing/still am, but the fact that I can see my progress brings me to tears because it is so amazing. I really was so fascinated and excited and just open to whatever I came across. But then it’s got dark. Real dark. I haven’t even explored the dark side. I just know the basics and that was enough to get me to start fuckin posting all kinds of crazy shit. I be on tiktok for hours watching conspiracy shit like that’s all mine was. I see like thru tiktok, there is a very real spiritually involved way of life people live. Like there’s a huge following you know. But then okay quotes on fb started getting super real and I again didn’t really know what this meant until it happened but it said something about how with your rising vibration, and right before you experience a breakthrough, everything and everyone you care about will not be able to understand you anymore. Y’all will not be able to communicate. And all of the sudden I’m walking away from my best friend and this guy I hung out with. I can feel my vibration and how it’s higher then my friends vibration. Uhmmm I’m gonna explode cause my brain is gonna melt because the government is to fucking kill us every way possible. Lmao wtf dude I don’t even what the fuck I just said. I’m glitching. Kbye.

I have so much to say and literally no one even cares. Like I use my fb as basically fuck idk a diary maybe, not too bad. There have definitely, mentally been worse periods in my life. But I was super shy as a kids. Horrible anxiety and depression . Alone more then I shoulda been. I didn’t open up to people easily. So it was hard making friends. I had zero confidence. Went thru the punk/emo phase the anarchy/atheist/FTW phase. But even then I was and still am a kind, generous, and loving person. I’m helpful. I loving helping. My voice even sounds like 6 years olds and I’m short and tiny. Like I look absolutely fuckin fragile some days. I’m super funny and I’m a really fucking good friend. At I think so anyways. When I use i kinda post more then normal but now I actually try to like be mindful of that. It still kinda gets cray cray sometimes. I don’t fuckjng fb fight people anymore that shit was dumb. I am embarrassed to even have those memories. I just like try to have a good time, or cause my mental health is trash I post super dark things sometimes. I don’t trust the government so there’s that and opinions of the world. Fuckjng everything my mind like thinks of. But I post a lot of insightful stuff and positive shit too. alot of my friends on fb are people in recovery, some family. And a slim amount of people from highschool. I’m about totally convinced everyone hates me or looks down on me because fuck no one likes reaches out or try’s to talk or thinks I’m funny. And I’m kinda fuckjng like idk in feels about it cause I really do try to be a better person then was yesterday. Maybe everyone’s fuckin straight WHACK. How bout that lol idk. My best friend and I aren’t speaking and I don’t have anyone else to talk to. I’m on day two of no sleep. I have no AC and it’s about 86 degrees too hot in here. Lost my food stamp card so there’s not much food which sucks because I haven’t for a couple due to the twackk and I’m growing hungry. And I just want someone to fucking fucks with me ugh. Fuck this shit. This post sucks. I fucking write too much. I rewrote this thing so it would be shorter. Just as long. Smh. Whatever.

Love and light to all of you ❤️