#soarwithamy

It was a tough year.

2015, The year of preparations. The year of journeys. The year of battles.

I kind of thought I won’t be writing about this year because it is like peeling the layers off my conscious, my personality and my experiences and it is painful. But as Rumi says “These Pains you feel are messengers, Listen to them.” I sat down and I listened. After all, he was right that the cure of pain is in the pain.

When the year began, it was a kick start of a lot of new beginnings for me. I started over, a significant part of my life was over, I resigned from the Job I was very comfortable with, I started to blog. All of this was hell of a journey commencing with year 2015.

I remember getting my yearly verse from the Church and it was: Delight yourself in the LORD, and he will give you the desires of your heart. – PSALM 37.4

That moment I knew that this year God will give me the desire of my heart. What I didn’t know was that between the time when God promises you something and time when he grants you with that thing, there lies a time of preparation. He prepares you, he takes you on multiple journeys within and without. He re-wires your brain, soften your heart, hardens your mind… so you can handle and cherish what he is going to give you… and this process is very painful!

**Delight yourself in the LORD**

First quarter of the year was full of beginner’s luck. My blog clicked. I transitioned in my new lifestyle confidently, I made great friends. I met Sunshine. I bonded with Summer. If you follow my blogs, you would know that these two friends are inseparable part of my being. Celebrated a memorable birthday. Dealt with a heartbreak very bravely. I adopted a homeless puppy, Ranjha. Added Ashima and Haardik to my soul family. They make me believe that family is much more then sharing a blood line. Talked two friends out of suicide. Attended the Happiness Program, AOL. Dealt with long standing emotional issues via counselling. Everything looked smooth. I was so content, felt like I had it all. Of course I delighted myself in the Lord!

Second quarter, was a major shift. Didn’t get paid for a project I worked diligently on (As I was on a sabbatical, this wage mattered), Realized that some friendships were only illusions. Failed at making peace with someone. Got questioned for my kindness. But the highlight was trip to Jammu and Kashmir. I managed to visit Srinagar, birth town of my mother. It was like walking back into her arms. There, I met Dr. Rabia Moughal, who is now a mother figure in my life. It’s like my mom directed me there so I could meet Ammee Jaaan (that’s what I call her). She shook me awake. She dusted off my edges, she looked me in the eye and told me I was strong, I was self-sufficient and pushed me on a journey within. She made me see I didn’t need something external to complete me, I have to instead embrace myself. She taught me the art of self-love and respect. Ammee Jaaan also predicted some amazing things for my future which I see are unfolding already. Found a lifetime friendship with Sajal, my prayer warrior. Though this quarter was trippy but I dealt with my scars, my fears and my insecurities. Yes, I could delight myself in the Lord!

Third Quarter, I don’t even know how do I began to talk to about it. Everything I earned and learned in first six months was taken away from me. I was ripped of my dignity, my self-worth, my respect, my health, almost everything I took pride in, was gone. Just like that. I met with an accident which led to concussion (traumatic brain injury in the occipital lobe) which caused photophobia, temporary colour blindness, sleep issues, balance issues, walking issues. In a way my body crashed! Mind somehow held on… But not so long and I lost more than I could take. Sunshine gone, Summer, she drifted so far. Family seemed aloof. Lonely nights, troubling thoughts and momentary weakness even led to extreme suicidal thoughts, yes I said it. The girl who talks other people out of suicide was considering it. I found myself standing in No Man’s land…you know that place between two countries which belong to no one? I felt like I was standing there. Death on one side and life on another. With no place to belong, no person to hold onto and unsure of who I was as a person anymore… full of health problems, self-doubt and faith crisis. My soul cried from No Man’s land. God heard me. He responded. He sent help! Benita and Pastor James, I would not forget that night… When I knocked your door in helplessness and you took me in and told me “Amy, you are too precious to perish this way.” In that moment I knew it was life I was going to walk to, I knew which side to choose. Thank you for holding my hand and bringing me back to life. I could not delight at all. Not in God, not in myself. But in that moment I figured which side to step up to. Further, I took a 40 day journey in solitude, led by “The Purpose Driven Life” by Rick Warren, the book which fixed me. Dawn and Benita, thank you for being my reading partners, my recovery partners. (I advocate this book for anyone who believes in God and feels unsure of life. This book will heal you one chapter, one prayer, one soul cry a day) I must mention that during my recovery I had the most meaningful conversations with my dad. He used to put me to sleep every night like a little girl, assuring me that it’s all going to be alright. I developed an elated love for my father during this period. Because of this reason alone, I didn’t mind being wrecked. If all this disaster brought me closer to my father on earth and my father in heaven, I can suffer through it again… and manage to delight myself in the Lord, knowing that he runs the world and if he allows this pain, he has a purpose.

 Fourth Quarter, I came back. Stronger, wiser, healthier and better in all possible ways. I looked like how a tree looks like after pruning. A little altered to some and delight to others. I didn’t come back with a bang. I had to struggle every morning to walk, deal with eyesight issues, the stammering, the weakness, keeping up with medicines and therapies. I still remember the lack of confidence I felt while appearing for my interview last month. But we made it. I and God, together, we did it.

So now as the year is ending… And I assume God is done preparing me, teaching me that through let downs and disappointments and heart breaks if there is anyone who can sustain a human is he, himself. And that one can suffer and still not give up the art of laughter, one can walk through the valley of shadows and still see the Sun…. that I can delight myself in the Lord even when there is no other reason but that he is there, still.

*** And he will give you the desires of your heart***

I am blessed with a very decent job, which almost seems impossible to find in my region that too with such pay-out. I am blogging, I have recovered so much it almost seems like a miracle sometimes. I have no illusions of having people who aren’t really there. Recently, managed to run Joy of Christmas initiative to donate winter goods in a slum. So I am back. And all this tragedy makes sense. I needed it. They say, after the darkest night comes the brightest dawn, like that my morning has come to me, I can see its going to shine on. I know all the shadows are going to fade away in its light. In the glory of my recent journey uphills and the magic it contained. God bless the broken road which brought me here.

 2015, thank you for lessons about myself, God and life, for breakthroughs and grace. For keeping me alive.

2016, welcome! I am ready for whatever you will unfold. I know, I am in safe hands. I am Amy, I am a survivor, better yet, a fighter.

Thank you God! For everything… including the third quarter, because learning to delight in you in midst of sorrows has been my greatest lesson. Also, for giving me the desires of my heart, it is beautiful. You made it beautiful Just in time... Thank you for turning your lamb into a lioness.

Obviously, countless thank yous to friends and siblings who stayed through the storm. Harnek, Shina, Abhi, Sajjal. Rupinder, Kibria and Nelson. Thank you will fall short for what you both did... my Summer and my Sunshine. My prayers follow you guys everywhere.

My Dearies, Let the sun go down on all your mistakes, all the losses, all the people who departed from us. Start afresh, with new wings, new strength. Soar over! and remember:

“Do you think the universe fights for souls to be together?

Some things are too strange and strong to be coincidences.”

― Emery Allen

For me life is grander than any movie out there! And in this long imperfect life we sometimes happen to be in perfect moments. I call them Serendipity – Happy Surprises, and since I am a huge believer, they keep happening to me. So on a such surreal Sunday (yesterday) I happen to be in two movie-like-moments which lingered on long enough for me to write about them!  Here is what happened:

1.       It was a friend’s birthday get-together/lunch. After indulging in each other’s company when we all stepped out of the restaurant, I spotted a guy in a wheel chair selling balloons. I went to him and I asked for two balloons. He was struggling to untangle the two from the bunch for me. As I watched him carrying forward the task uncomfortably I thought of buying the entire bunch of balloons. This how our conversation went:

 “Muje saare hi dedo” I said.

“Saare?”

“Ji, saare ke saare” I reassured him.

 I brought the bunch and came back to my friends where we all divided them among us and then I hear this:

 “Mam?” He called me out loud.

“Hanji?”

“Aapka birthday to hota hoga kabhi?” He probed.

“Hota hai na! arey… in fact agle hi mahine hai, 9 tareekh ko” I replied.

“To aap 1st January ko miloge mujhe? main aapke birthday ke liye special balloons lekar aaunga.” He asked with a requesting tone.

“Accha… Kahan?”

“Sector 17, Plaza ke function mein, raat 11 baje”

“11 baje to bahot der raat hoti hai na, to main nahi aa paungi.” I justified.

“To phir saat baje yahin, 26 ki market mein, yahan to aa jaoge aap?” He asked.

“Zarur Aayungi!... Vaise naam kya hai aapka?”

“Mera naam Mujahidin hai”

“Arey waah! Iska kya matlab hota hai vaise?” I curiously questioned.

“Yeh to mujhe bhi nahi pata. Aapka kya naam hai? “

“Mera naam Amrapali hai” I replied.

**looks at me with some sense of wonder**

“Zara purane zamane wala naam hai na?”

“Nahi mam… bahot lamba hai bas!” He smirked.

“To aap bhi sabki tarah Amy hi bula lo” I smiled back.

“Amy?”

“Ji, Amy!”

“To phir aap aooge?”

“Bilkul Aayungi” :)

 Dear readers… I am about to get *special balloons* for my birthday from a soul I never knew existed before yesterday. I felt so great talking to him for reasons I can’t state. I searched for the meaning of his name: warrior of God. He sure was. His aura was full of dignity, courage and strength like that of a warrior. I’ll tell him the meaning of his name. I can’t wait to see him again!

 2.       Later in the night I Went out at a restro-bar with siblings and friends for dinner. The band in the house was playing so well that it had most of the people on their feet. Since my brother and I are each other’s best dancing partners we too seized the moment. Now, there was this group of friends dining next to our table. Shortly they were dancing right next to us on the floor as well. We were still dancing when my brother went to grab something from the table and that’s when this beautiful stranger from that group, with a very cute face, decent dressing, flinging out all the pleasant vibes moved towards me initiating some very impressive dance moves. He had me all charmed so I smiled at him. Simultaneously, shaking my head in denial for his tacit dance proposal. He responded with a kind nod gazing deep into my eyes. My brother came back interrupting the gaze and we resumed our dancing. It was after all, sibling’s night out. But there was something magical in the way we communicated without words. The way he understood and respected my say. The way he made me feel so ‘okay’ about denying him a dance I am sure ‘we’ deserved. I didn’t look at him again. Or let’s say I couldn’t. Not so soon and he left. I sure saw him leaving, my eyes followed him as long as they could.

The Sibling Gala continued… He was out of my mind.

An hour later we stepped out and THERE HE WAS with his group (at Elante’s entrance, probably waiting for a cab or something) Both of us looked at each other in disbelief/surprise. While we were both lost in making sense of reality… few people from my group broke a conversation with few people from his group. I don’t remember how exactly, as we were busy stealing glimpses of each other, Antakshari broke out between our groups. Yes! at 1:30 AM on a cold December night all of us were singing like mad people under dim-lit winter sky, some even danced. He kept smiling at me, and I couldn’t help blushing, escaping his eyes every now and then. None of us wanted that moment or that Antakshari to end, precisely both of us. But all things end, right? Even the best ones. A dutiful cop came over and asked us to move the party inside someplace. So my group tell his group that we are leaving. We all wave each other good bye as the cop watched. I was about to cross the road but he came forward to me and said:

 “Hey… At least tell me who you are?”

“A Stranger” I looked him in the eyes as I said it, I wanted to make sure he believes me.

“Will I See you soon? Again? Do you come here often?” “No, we shall never see each other again!”

“Never?” He asked sceptically.

“That’s how all of this will stay special, right?” I answered his question with a question.

 He didn’t say anything but looked at me with those eyes full of inquisitiveness.

I smiled.

 “Remember me! Will you?”  He almost whispered under his breath.

I wanted to say that I’ll be an idiot to forget you but I didn’t.

 I turned my back on him and began to cross the road. While I was mid-way he said something in a considerably loud voice, probably his name, but someone honked the horn at the same time and I couldn’t catch whatever he said. When I was on the other side I looked back to catch one last glimpse of him. He was still standing there looking unblinkingly at me. A part of me wanted to crossover and tell him not to be so cute… but that part of me has been a victim of optimism in the matters of the heart so many times that I knocked it down, somewhere very deep inside. Instead, I waved at him.

 “Infosys” he said it out loud enough for everyone to look at him. (I guess he wanted me to know where he works. He wanted me to find him)

 I did not respond. This time I turned away never looking back hoping he left too. Like he left the bar.

 May be he did. Or May be he kept watching me leave. I don’t know. What I know is long after I reached home and hit my bed, I kept thinking of him. What if we had our dance? What if we told each other about ourselves? Where would our story go? I guess these questions will haunt me always. I know there is no way that beautiful stranger will get to this blog, or to me. In fact, I don’t want that… But I wanted to write this as an acknowledgment to the serendipity. So…

 Dear Dancing Stranger,

 I feel like explaining myself for not letting you in. But I won’t. May be we are brought together yet again someday or may be this is it. We met at ‘Once upon a time’ and it is a beautiful place to dwell in. Sorry for deciding it for both of us but let’s stay here. May be because we might not be entitled for a ‘Happily ever after’. Or maybe because the magic contained in one moment is enough to astound us forever. You know how the magic if it stays forever becomes a humdrum taken for granted? I refuse to take you for granted… you are special. I WILL REMEMBER YOU! But I shall never see you again!

 Yours,

Dancing Stranger

 Sigh!

 On a such surreal Sunday I met a guy I will see again very soon and I met a guy I’ll never see again and between both the serendipities I find my soul drenched in gratitude and bewilderment.

 As stated in Cloud Atlas “Our lives and our choices, like quantum trajectories, are understood moment to moment. At each point of intersection, each encounter suggests a new potential direction.”

 Meeting them both in a form of serendipities gave me a direction. Yesterday I believed that I would never have done what I did today. For instance, accepting love as much as to give out love. Or keeping something forever by letting it go. Whatever I imagined myself to be, I learnt I was only better. So Thank you! For new wings and for new soaring.

 I pray everyone experience their serendipity :)