Southerners broadly fall into Snapping Turtle Southern and Raccoon Southern.
It's a vibe I will now try to describe.
A Raccoon Southerner will have an opinion on vinegar or tomato base, and a Snapping Turtle would rather skip the BBQ and head straight for the chain burger than compromise.
A Snapping Turtle hates water parks cause "Why would you pay to stand in line in the heat when we could just go tubbing down the river and drink beer for free?" Which is sensible.
A Raccoon will then say something dumb like "Oh but it's 'fun' for the keyids."
Raccoons either do not know or actively provoke how homicidal we Snapping Turtles are... it gives them some preverse pleasure, I think.
Raccoons welcome carpet baggers like missionaries to a cause, Snapping Turtles would rather they die.
Raccoons speak internet and Snapping Turtle speaks anachronism.
Raccoons say things like, "Why can't we all just enjoy things?" when their favorite franchise is criticized, meanwhile no one hates the Snapping Turtles favorite hobby quite like the Snapping Turtle themselves.
Raccoons like the "Ole Smokey" Peach Blueberry Mango Shine because it comes in a cute mason jar, and Snapping Turtle won't drink it if taxes have ever been paid at any point in the process.
If Applebee's started serving Shrimp and Grits Polenta Appetizer, the Raccoon will applaud them and congratulate the South on making inroads into the mainstream, the Snapping Turtles will not try it.
The Snapping Turtles will keep up with SEC, their Raccoon wives will buy their kids SEC onsies the Turtles can not admit they despise for being overpriced and cringe.
Counter-intuitively, the Raccoons are the ones you will catch enforcing cohesion passive aggressively, they'll be the ones saying "bless your heart" the Turtles have just stopped talking to you before you can get them out of sorts, I tell you what they have liked four people besides Mamaw in their life and two of them were dogs.
The Snapping Turtles have at least one Southern State that doesn't count and they don't recognize, but will find common ground with the Midwest gate keepers.
The Raccoons claim to welcome everyone, but no one has a more detailed ledger of church offenses and gossip.
Raccoons love a crowd pleasing Aldean, or Luke Bryan, a Snapping Turtle hasn't liked any country since Johnny and Willie except for ONE song (usually Childers or the Steel Drivers) that makes them ball like a baby everytime.
Snappers will call you a fence post turtle, the Raccoons post the full meme where the farmer who says y'all precisely three to many times explains in great detail what a fence post Turtle is to the Yankee passing through in the narrative.
This annoys the Raccoon, because if you didn't know the story you weren't supposed to get it from Facebook.
Am I making any sense here?
