#siriwan

Well, spending the rest of the evening here until the Republic ship arrives to take them to the Temple turned out to be a sound idea. It was quiet and incredibly beautiful. Lush trees with large, translucent foliage were planted along the shore.

Ferus sat across from her and controlled the boat's engine from the back seat. Siri's gaze settled on the apprentice's focused face. He was 19 years old, but his unfailing serious gaze and impassive expression made him look a little older.

"Excuse me, Master. I'm not used to talking about things that I can't explain clearly enough." Ferus said with perfect politeness.

"It's okay, it's not an exam." Master Tachi replied, "There is no need to try to put these thoughts into the most appropriate words. There's no right answer, you know that."

Ferus's expression remained serene and unreadable.

Master Tachi knew her padawan's manners well enough to know that he would remain silent, but there would be no disrespect or impoliteness in his gaze or gesture. To her repeated question on this sensitive topic, Olin would not answer her anything intelligible until she told him something personal about herself.

In another situation, Siri would have jokingly accused the apprentice of blackmail, but now she was hoping for his frankness and she had to restrain any sharp jokes.

"Forgive me for this conversation, I'm not asking out of curiosity. I have some reason to believe that the Council will nominate you for the Trials soon." Siri paused for a moment and added softly, "You see, I was younger than you when I fell deeply in love for the first time. At that time, my whole life was almost ruined. All the years of Jedi training that shaped my discipline and patience, even the Jedi Code that I followed so strictly.… It all almost fell into the abyss. By my will. When I recognized this feeling, I believed in love so much that everything else ceased to mean anything to me. Feelings for one person and his well-being have become the most important thing in the Galaxy. He's become more important than me, even more important than the Order, do you understand? At that time, I could really slip up and not become the Jedi.

Ferus watched her without making any premature judgments. He did not allow emotions, but only absorbed information and analyzed it. His restraint usually helped him deal with it well.

"What happened then? Did it end badly?" Ferus's gaze became even more attentive.

"No, not really. As you can see, I'm here now." Tachi hesitantly replied, "but in a way, yes, it ended badly."

Siri hesitated a little. She only scratched the tip of her nose with one short gesture, but it was enough to betray her nervousness. There were signs of sullenness on her face. But then, in an instant, she relaxed and looked into the apprentice's eyes.  

"We have decided that we will not be together. That's all. Or rather, he decided. I agreed with this decision. So there was no disaster. But it was extremely painful for me. To be honest, I've never experienced such intense and terrible pain in my life."

Siri paused and looked at a leaf that had come off the branch, which slowly sank and lay on the surface of the serene, perfectly smooth water. The fresh, bright yellow leaf with pinkish edges really seemed delicious. It attracted the eye with its beauty and iridescence of colors, but at the same time, the tree no longer nourished it. The leaf was already lifeless.

"I understand. Of course," the apprentice nodded seriously.

Under his guidance, the boat moved away from the shore and slowly headed towards the center of the lake. There were light ripples from the breeze on the clear, transparent water. Tiny, swaying waves made the surface of the reservoir sparkle in the setting sun of Alderaan, as if pink-gold silk covered the turquoise of the lake. 

"Well," the padawan finally said. He turned off the boat's engine and took his hand off the primitive control panel located on the upper engine panel. Now their small boat was pulled forward only by inertia, until it stopped completely.

Ferus looked off into the distance, and Siri realized that he couldn't see anything in front of him right now. His impeccable posture remained unchanged, but a ripple of doubt ran across his face.

"I miss someone." Ferus' pleasant voice broke the silence, but it wasn't as restrained as usual. "I miss someone fiercely and bitterly. I do not know why this is so. I've never really fallen in love with anyone in my life. I didn't feel that way. No passion. Maybe I only felt some sympathy, a little more than the usual friendly disposition. That is all. But, sometimes, there are moments when I feel an urgent need for someone. I miss someone I've never met before. This is ridiculous and sounds like the ravings of a madman, right? 

But I feel sadness, and the pain is not from loneliness, but from separation. And at the same time, I have a strange feeling of oneness with someone. With someone I've never known.

Tell me, Master, is it possible to feel the bitterness of separation from someone you've never been with before?"

Siri shrugged her shoulders.

She was taken aback by such frankness.

And at that moment, a wave of premonition of Force washed over her. Master Tachi wasn't one of those Jedi who had visions of a possible future, but now she felt as if the Force itself had allowed her to learn one important thing about her padawan's future. Siri realized that Ferus would meet someone. And this person will be the one he will love. Just as selflessly and without looking back, he will give this person his heart. Once and for all. The rules of the Jedi Code won't stop him. He will not lie, trying to maneuver between half-truths and duty to the Order. He'll just come and honestly say he's leaving.

And the Jedi clearly realized that on that day she would lose her padawan forever.

Near the shoreline, large leaves continued to swirl and slowly fall onto the perfectly level water.

Siri dived back into the days of her youth, when she loved wholeheartedly. Alas, their love story ended before it had even begun. Obi-Wan had made the decision for both of them that day.

Was he right?

She believed that he had probably done the right thing, although it still hurt to admit it.

But now there was a abyss between her and Obi-Wan. This happens when you have to trample on your heart to crush your feelings. She believed that after that it was impossible to fall in love again.

It was a pity that Obi Wan had stopped being her friend. No matter how much they pretended to be friendly and welcoming to each other, they weren't friends.

There will always be mutual help and meaningful support between them, just like between any Jedi who have deep respect for each other. But at the same time, there was awkwardness between them, some kind of incomprehensible annoyance, and a strange desire to leave the common room as soon as possible if they happened to be there together. That was how she felt about him now, and she knew Obi-Wan felt the same way about her.

Could she explain this simple thing to her padawan? Or is it possible to understand this only if you go through this ordeal?

If it happens that someone breaks Ferus' heart…

Siri couldn't teach this cruel lesson to her apprentice. She just hoped that he would never have to experience this.

"Master, may I ask you something?" Ferus pulled her out of her thoughts.

She nodded calmly.

"Do you regret about it? About what didn't happen?"

Siri had been expecting this question, but it still confused her. It was unbearably difficult for her to give a direct and frank answer. She just wanted to laugh it off so I wouldn't have to think anymore, not answer.

She looked at Ferus darkly and absently. Well, if the question is written correctly, it already has a part of the answer.

"I'm not sure." She said, "but maybe you're right, Padawan. I regret what didn't happen then and now will never happen again."

She was really sure that her feelings were over long ago. This is irreversible. And it's bitter.

But Siri filled herself with determination.

If Ferus ever had a choice like that, she wouldn't talk him out of it. She simply couldn't deprive him of what she had been deprived of all her life.

It was wrong, because her goal was to make him a great Jedi, not a happy man. But if she really has to witness such events. Then…

Let the apprentice decide for himself.

Night was slowly creeping up on the capital of Alderaan as the two Jedi walked down the street towards the landing platform, where a Republic transport was already waiting for them.