#singlelyf

I’m a hopeless romantic at heart and LOVE romance stories, but the sad part is, these days, it makes me so ridiculously sad when I see or read one, that I’m almost too scared to even bother, so you’ll generally see me reaching for a comedy or murder mystery instead. I hate that I’m like this. I really don’t want it to be this way. I don’t want to be scared to watch a good romantic comedy. I don’t want to be the girl who believes romance is dead though unfortunately, in my situation, I’m scared it already is. I’m on a detox from a guy I’ve been seeing for some time now. It’s toxic - an almost relationship that has no chance of ever becoming something. I’m too good for him, I know that. And I can’t help but be good to him. But I want to let him go. I randomly get these bursts to want to message him and organise to catch up but I’m really fighting against them - losing, but I’m getting better, learning to not need to see him. Tonight, I thought maybe he would ask me to come over, but of course he didn’t. I haven’t said anything about catching up this week so of course he wouldn’t think about it. THIS is my love story - which is why you probably wouldn’t call it that. Maybe moreso a drama? Or if it is a love story, I have to be the friend of the lead who ends up alone because her story isn’t good enough to be resolved so they just keep her there as the girl who supports her friend who lives happily ever after. Romantic stories scare me because I’m starting to believe I’m never going to have one and that is just not fair. I deserve one more than anyone. I care about people - not just my friends but people I meet or converse with. I can get along with anyone. I can talk your ear off and I can turn into your best friend within 5 minutes. I am a good person and I hate that I’m in a place where I’m starting to feel that I’m never going to get my love story. And I’m trying - I’m trying hard to be strong, but you know what? I’ve had to try my whole life to be strong because no matter what happens, I always end up alone. It sounds bitter and pathetic but it hurts so much sometimes that I can’t help but break every once in a while. The next few months, I really want to breakaway - even if I see him, I want to remain detached and stop reaching out so much because the reality is, once I stop, he’ll stop. And that’s what needs to happen. I don’t want to be negative - I don’t want to believe I’m destined to be alone so that’s something else I’m going to work on. I truly do love myself - I can be on my own and I enjoy doing things in my own company - I feel like I truly get myself and am in a good frame of mind that I’m ready for a relationship, but what I really need is to kick the habit of worrying about boys. To become the girl who only sees her friends and her life and isn’t looking for the hot guy or the cute couple in the room. I need to look outside the box at the bigger picture - I need to see that a relationship isn’t going to change much and that if I inevitably do end up alone, without a romantic partner, I’m never going to be completely alone. I need to try harder to believe that. Because I know everything will be okay in the end - it always is. And if it’s not okay, it’s not the end.