Musings-of-Love-and-Life

I want to be a strong, independent woman who can survive on her own, but chooses not to.

I want to be a woman who doesn’t fear loneliness, but welcomes it like an old friend and thrives in its presence.

I want to be brave and take risks. I want to let people in but not in as so far as to break my heart again.

I want to work hard and play hard. I want to have energy to get up every morning and live my life to the fullest.

I want to fail - to fall but get back up again, over and over.

I want to believe in love and magic and the beauty of life.

I want to feel full and loved and know that life is happening for me, not to me.

I want to cherish the journey I have travelled and accept the things that have made me embarrassed, that have hurt me and have made me feel like I was not enough or that I didn’t deserve it.

I want to believe that I am worthy, of love, that amazing high paying job, those friends, that expensive car, that once in a lifetime holiday.

But most of all, I want to live - live so fearlessly that when I look back at the end of my life, I can say that I CHOSE my life, and every decision, every set back, failure, accomplishment, break up, breakdown, breakthrough, every little thing that happened was the best thing that could ever happen to me.

The choice is mine to make.

Turning 30 - talk about a milestone!

On Wednesday I officially say goodbye to my twenties and welcome my thirties. I’m not ashamed to say that I am FREAKING EXCITED!

My twenties were...well, my twenties 🤷🏼‍♀️ everyone knows that you’re still trying to figure out who you are. Who to date. What to do with your life. Some people are finishing uni. Some people are getting engaged. Some people are having babies! And some people are travelling the world.

I’m trying to figure out what I leant from my twenties and I just can’t put my finger on it 🤔 I’ve learnt a lot! And who doesn’t? It’s a long decade. But I’m excited to leave it behind.

I feel like, going into my thirties, I know myself more. Don’t get me wrong, my life isn’t perfect - on the contrary it’s quite terrifying. I’m constantly battling anxiety, I have 3 guys in my life, none of which will ever be serious and one of which I desperately want to choose me, and money and my career is all that I’m worried about at the moment.

Despite all of that, my aim in life right now is to just keep getting up.

Just wake up everyday and live. And when someone doesn’t reciprocate your feelings, or work rejects you and you are terrified about whether you’ll be able to afford everything your accustomed to again, you just gota keep going.

Life is hard. It throws you curveballs. It makes you doubt yourself, it makes you hurt. It makes you question everything and it sometimes knocks you down so far that you start to wonder, ‘how will I ever get through it?’

And time makes it painful. All you do is wait. Wait for the call for the job interview. Wait for the text from the boy you like. Wait for the friend to call and check in on you. But that’s where you have to stop waiting and start doing. And I’m not talking about, applying for every single job you see or harass the guy your waiting for on for a response. Enjoy the quiet. Be in the moment. Read a book, watch tv, listen to music - after you’ve done the things you need to do live your life, take a moment to escape and treasure the quiet.

Life changes in a blink of an eye, and we’re all afraid of where we’re going. But as long as you keep getting up, every single day, and take time to enjoy the little things - maybe even the tiniest things, you’ll see there’s nothing to worry about.

Life is happening FOR you, not TO you. Just breathe and open yourself up to the wonderful possibilities of life.

Here comes the thoughts... 😔

Today, my brother dropped by with a new girl he’s seeing.

He recently got out of a 5 year relationship and has been experiencing his ‘hoe phase’ the last month.

And now he’s introducing a new girl to my mum and me.

How the fuck does a guy who just got out a 5 year relationship just jump into a new one? How does he decide to introduce this ‘random’ girl to his mum?

And how the hell is it that I’ve been seeing 2 guys for almost 3 years, have had multiple dates with multiple guys and NONE of them have felt strongly enough to want to introduce me to their family?

These are sad and pathetic thoughts but honestly, WHAT THE FUCK?

This is my pitiful moment where I literally say ‘WHY ME?’

Why can’t I meet a guy who wants me? Why can’t I meet a guy who sees me more than just a good time? Why are all the guys I meet emotionally unavailable?

WHY AM I NOT ENOUGH?

There it is. The root of all my heartache. The real reason I can feel hopelessly alone. The thing that makes me remember that no, I am not okay with being single anymore.

I know who I am. I know what I bring to the table and most of the time, I’m okay. But this statement sometimes creeps in and it hits me hard.

Why can’t someone else see that I’m worth it? Why won’t a guy get to know me? Why is it that the guy I do so much for can’t see how lucky he is?

WHEN WILL IT BE MY TURN?

The anxiety around this question is always so high. I want to be okay alone and honestly I love who I am - I’m not going to change that - but I’m sick of the one who is never chosen. Who is never chosen...Who is never enough........

I’m changing up this blogpost and moving away from the subject matter of my love life. Instead, let’s have a look at where I’m currently standing on career.

Due to a redundancy last month, I am currently looking for a job. As per my last post, I was excited by the change - optimistic and ready to move onto the next thing. To be absolutely, painstakingly honest with you, I am currently struggling to hold onto that excitement.

You see I was able to get a job: something new I really thought I could do and saw as my next direction in life. But that only lasted 8 days. They decided that they wanted someone with industry experience and seeing as I didn’t have that for that particular field, they decided it was easier to let me go.

To be honest, I understand that and am thankful that we both didn’t waste each other’s time any longer. However now, I am again, in limbo.

It’s such a strange but amazing thing to see, but I really was able to see how strong the mind can affect your feelings these last few weeks.

Last Tuesday, I was at the gym and I just randomly thought, ‘what if I don’t worry about the fact that I have no job and am waiting for the phone to ring? What if I don’t worry about the predicament I’m in for a few hours and just continue with my life?’ I did this, and my day was much more enjoyable.

However the next day, while I woke up and was optimistic, I allowed the thoughts to creep in. ‘I really should be doing more. Why hasn’t this agency called me back? I literally will not be paid next week. And the week after. And the week after that. My money is going to disappear. No one will ever want to employ me. I need something. Anything! I can’t sit here and wait. I need to do more!’

For the remainder of that day, my anxiety was at an all time high. I was negative. I sat there feeling sorry for myself and I kept reminding myself that I NEED to find a job. I can’t just sit here. I could be unemployed for 6 months! And then I’ll have no money and then I’ll have no way to go out and see movies or see my friends and -

You get what I mean?

Losing my job to redundancy has made me realise that I need control. It made me realise that my job is an important part of who I am and while the last several years have had me worried about where the love of my life is, it’s made me realise that that isn’t what I need.

I need supportive people in my life (which this situation has shown me that I have so many people around me who really care), I need a purpose (I don’t know what that is yet but I intend on doing whatever I have to to find it), I don’t care what the job pays, (I will do it if it’s something I truly believe I can do and will grow with) and finally that I really need to calm the fuck down and stop trying to have things figured out right now!

I have never felt so lost and directionless and worthless and terrified in my life and I don’t like these feelings. And I’m not trying to fight them - if anything I am forcing myself to feel them too much and I am letting my anxiety rear it’s ugly head and the narrative in my head is taking things way out of proportion - but I need to understand that this place I’m in, right now - this sucky, uncertain pit of despair I have found myself in - I’m not going to be here forever. And I know this, but the anxiety - my ego, has never been so strong. I’ve never felt so powerless in my life and I am really trying to do whatever I can to breathe and get through this.

I am lucky. And I am grateful for my friends and my family and the fact that I can still eat out when I like (though not as often) and that I have a warm place to sleep and I will always have that. And I know that I am employable - I’ve said it to heaps of my friends. I’ve seen my friends find jobs in the last few months!

But I need to go through this. I need to be uncomfortable. I need to surrender. I need to put myself out there and I need to realise that I am who I am. I am trying and when I don’t have control, all I can do is try and be who I am. This is something I’m struggling with everyday - to remind myself that it is okay to be unemployed and uncertain and terrified as hell - but I can’t give up. And I won’t. Because my history has shown me that no matter what shit I’ve been through, I have a 100% success rate of surviving it - most of us do. Which is why every morning I’m going to keep getting up and I’m going to keep trying.

I am worthy and deserve to thrive.

I am ENOUGH and I WILL get through this.

Soooo much has happened in my life since my last post. Let’s see: a guy from tinder came back, we dated for about a month before he ended up kicking me out of his house and disappearing (not complaining FYI - he was a doushe). I was made redundant. From McDonalds. The worldwide corporation 🤔 Yeah, I know. I found a new job. It’s spring and beautiful outside. A fantasy guy came back and disappeared again (of course). And I literally have NO boys in my life.

It’s been quite a whirlwind.

But what I’ve noticed is that things are just easy. I was quite anxious initially when I found out about the redundancy as it was completely left field, but after I was able to step back and really see it for what it is, all I see is opportunity. A fresh start. A young vibrant team. Excitement. And meeting with my new bosses, they are so excited so I’m excited. This is a new career path for me and I’m going to learn soooo much! I can’t wait to start.

And singledom - I legit haven’t been this single - with no options AT ALL - in at least 3 years. It is crazy! Even my regular hot guy has just completely dropped off the face of the earth. Which kind’ve sucks coz I thought we were friends but nope, I clearly was nothing. But I’m not bothered by it - a bit disappointed but all good. The feeling is freeing - not being overly upset that I’m alone. And I need to embrace it. Which is hard because every time I see or read some sex scene, I immediately want sex but unfortunately, I’ll just have to deal.

A lot of things are starting fresh. A new chapter is beginning. And for the first time ever, I can honestly say, I’M EXCITED!!!!!

What’s the limit to how much rejection someone can take? How many more heartless bastards who waste your time can one really stand? When will everything just be easy? I had started talking to a guy a few weeks ago on tinder however since I was over the app, I told him that I was interested in catching up but for the whole day there was no reply (even though the day prior we had been chatting non stop). I moved on, seeing another guy who also seemed interested for about a week before he disappeared and while dwelling on that one, the other guy, fatefully popped up. Now this guy had been really nice. We talked the last few days incessantly via text and organised to catch up on Sunday for pancakes. What was different about this one was that there was absolutely no pretence or discussion about sex. This was something I wasn’t used to. Then the night before, we were chatting. I double checked we were all good for our date and he replied ‘of course, why wouldn’t we be?’. We chatted up until at least 11pm, aware that we would be seeing each other the next day however when I messaged him a confirmation text at 10am the next morning it went unanswered.....for 2 hours. Then of course I got the message asking to postpone until dinner. Which was fine. Though I admit, as he complained about being hungover I did get a bit snarky - why would you drink so much if you knew 4 days ago that you had plans with a potential match. Be advised that this wasn’t the first time. When we were first chatting, I gave him my number and as soon as I did, he disappeared. The next day he advised that he found out someone had passed away. I do believe that is a legitimate excuse however the following week when we spent the whole day talking, I do find it hard to believe that the next day when I asked him if he wanted to keep chatting offline, he didn’t go on the app AT ALL that particular day. And now, he was moving our date. I did admit to him that it was quite fishy - catfishy to be precise - so he told me to add him on instagram. I did - but he never accepted my request. Which was funny because I told him I had made it and he was on his phone to me for the next hour.... Then the inevitable message came and he advised me that he was sorry but he wasn’t feeling well at all and he would like to reschedule for later in the week. He also said he understood if I didn’t believe him. And you know what - I didn’t believe him. I believe he changed his mind. I believe he decided I wasn’t worth it, especially after sneaking a peek at my Instagram profile, and I believe he was too chicken shit to tell me. I also slightly believe he wasn’t who he said he was. I said so politely and he came back with ‘I’m sorry you feel that way’ - now this has been handed to me before. This isn’t an apology. These guys have made me skeptical - they have in no way shown me that they are genuine and aren’t apologetic for even trying to prove to me that I was worth their time. Instead they turned it back on me as if it’s MY fault I don’t believe them. I’m over dating. I’m over guys wasting my time. I’m over guys thinking that it’s okay to mess with good girls who just want to find love. I AM DONE. I need to stop. I need to get out of of my own way and let love find me because quite frankly, I’m sick of looking for it. All roads just lead to disappointment and heartbreak.

Annnnndddd we’re back to boys. 🤦🏼‍♀️ I know, shocking. 🙄 I recently decided, after being saved my job, that I should probably try the tinder scene again. Yes, even after my whole ‘I need to focus on me’, ‘all I’ve done the last 5 years is worry about boys’, ‘you don’t need a boy to be happy’ spiel - even after all that, I found myself swiping again. I got a bit lucky this time. Had a boy swipe me and, God forbid, say hi to me. And what was weird was that I thought he was cute. So we did the number exchange. He got a bit annoying, dodging me when I tried to organise a date but then we got there and it was actually pretty good. We met up at a restaurant however when we arrived he suggested we walk down the street to play some pool. There was flirting and teasing. We played a few games in a dark and dingy room. Right when he was reprimanding me playfully for calling him terrible, he kissed me, much to my shock. Moreso at the fact at how embarrassed I got since there were a few people around. Anyway, he has a cat (I know, slightly weird for a macho man, which he very much is) so he suggested I go meet her (which is code for come to mine so we can knock boots). That was not a disappointment at all 😉 What I did find surprising about this one though however was that he did say it several times that he’d like to make it a regular occurrence. First of all I got a bit confused. Not because he suggested it because I was kind’ve freaking out. As if he was already attached. I don’t really understand my thinking there but what also confused me was when he, though extremely tired, told me to message me when I got home. I thought that was sweet. Even sweeter when I did and he replied. Did a guy actually stay awake, though extremely tired (even more so after a rump in the sack) to find out if I made it home safe? 🤔 Of course the next day, I didn’t get a message. Which usually happens after a first date - the guy’s supposed to message the next day (am I the only one who knows that?). He didn’t so I set myself up to message him Tuesday, you know, all nonchalant; but I couldn’t wait, so I messaged him Monday 😅. Again I was shocked to find that he replied and we set up another day. Not a date, a day, which I was perfectly fine with. As we drew nearer to that day, my expectations were of course very low. This guy was probs gonna cancel - let’s be honest. That’s what they all do. Imagine my surprise when he didn’t cancel. And instead I saw him and again it was pretty amazing 😌 And even more shocked I was when he suggested next week we go out and get something to eat. I don’t even think shocked was the right word. If you’re not aware, this shit is not what I’m used to. I can barely keep a guy interested in more than one date with me and let’s be honest, most of the time it’s a one nighter - we get what we both want - and go our separate ways (usually without a text or anything - ghosting anyone?). But this guy wants to see me again? That’s a miracle! Now of course my very well versed brain cannot help but doubt this boy’s intentions - especially after we were talking about our ‘past relationships’ and I mentioned I’ve never been in a relationship for longer than a month (meanwhile he mentioned, I count 2 ex-missus). Not only that, but I mentioned I would be deleting tinder as I was growing tired of it and while he said he hadn’t been on it since he met me, not only after the first date did he update his bio but after the second ‘day’ he uploaded a new photo 🤔🤦🏼‍♀️. While I’d like to believe he’s the ‘good guy’ my gut is still on the fritz. It’s obvious that he’s looking around - which is perfectly fine because I can definitely say, he’s not someone I would think would be anyone too serious - but I really, really hope he has the decency that not many other guys have, to tell me if he is no longer interested. And atm while I know he’s not ‘the one’ and I can’t really see myself being with him, I’m just trying to not get too excited about him so as to not have another ‘situationship’ on my hand. I can handle what I have with another guy - sexual magnetism, but a deep respect and almost, friendship - but I can’t handle falling for a guy who I know isn’t good for me, but like him anyway because he’s a nice person and he can show me what it is like to be in a relationship (a cheap imitation at that). I know I need to relax and step back a bit - to wait and see. And I know this may not turn out too good. But I do need to stop expecting the worst. Like attracts like. And I do deserve a good guy in my life, just not at the expense of my self worth. I’ve gotta be positive! Everything happens for a reason right? Maybe this boy is supposed to be here to show me that not all guys are bad 🤷🏼‍♀️ after all, considering my track record, my faith definitely has been tested to its last nerve.

‘It’s all about perspective’ - something I read the other day about this really hit me. At the moment, I’m in a bit of limbo waiting to find out if my position at work will be made redundant and that’s completely thrown my world off it’s axis. While this could possibly be a good thing, the uncertainty is killing me: what will I do? What can I do? What am I good at? What if I need to take a pay cut? How will i afford my life? What if I hate my new job? What if they hate me? What if I can’t find anything? (Internally screaming) 😣😣😣😣😣😣😣 You see where I’m at. I’ve been doing a lot of reading to quell the anxiety and in truth, most of it said everything will be fine. As did my family and friends. And strangers I spoke to about it. Let’s be honest, the chances of me NOT finding a job if I do happen to lose it are pretty slim. I believe in hard work and I’m not gonna stop, especially if I have to go through a few jobs first to find my nichè. In terms of how I’m feeling, I am terrified. Not just because I could lose my job but also that if I don’t lose it, I’m worried I may be stuck forever. Basically my head is in jumbles and I can’t think straight - but this article I read made a lot of sense. It’s all about perspective. Yes, losing my job sucks, but for me, it really isn’t the end of the world. Someone in the world is living in a war torn country, too afraid to even go outside in fear of being attacked or kidnapped. Someone in the world has just lost their family in a car accident. Someone in the world has just lost their job and they have 3 people who depend on them to have that job and if they can’t bring home the money, they can’t eat for the week. Seeing it this way makes me feel like a total loon. Yes the situation isn’t ideal, but if I lose my job, I will still have a roof over my head. I’ll still be able to drive my car. I’ll be able to use the internet and eat homemade meals and go to the gym everyday and see my friends when I want. So why am I making this seem like the end of the world? Why am I so terrified that I may need to start again? The fear of uncertainty is what’s killing me but I definitely need to get over it. Change can be good - change is inevitable! But suffering is optional. Sometimes you need to get out of your own way - and your own head - and just surrender to the universe. How else can you really live?

I’ve kept my emotions in check the last few weeks, after having to end my long term ‘situationship’. While I initially grieved the end of the relationship when he ghosted me a month prior, letting him go wasn’t terribly hard, and neither was moving on. To be honest, mentally I’m in a better place than I was with him. But unfortunately my brain is in overdrive. While I haven’t been exhausting myself over coulda’s and shoulda’s, my tiny attempt at tinder today has got me feeling really...empty. Let me explain: basically I finally ended it with the nice fuck boy (who accepted our fate and never spoke to me again) and decided that I needed to really check in with myself and figure out what I want. And what I want is a relationship: I want passion, fun, dates, adventures, crazy sex and I don’t want to be a secret anymore. Ever since I’ve faced the truth, I’ve been fine. Barely sad and barely even worried about my relationship status. Today however, I decided to jump on for a little peak at the tinder world and I received one match. Now let’s get real - I was on it for an hour and a half. Then I deleted it. I didn’t give it a chance. But what it gave me was a reminder of how worthless I feel even looking at that app. It makes me think about the fact that so far, no one’s wanted me. It made me think about the type of guy that I will end up with - I can’t see it at all! It makes me scared that I’m never going to find anyone. It brings up all of these unsettling emotions and now I just feel so uncomfortable. I don’t know what it is, but I have this feeling and it makes me sad...it’s numbing but it’s there. I’m scared of the future. But I’m also getting fed up with myself. I can make a change. I’m fully aware of the fact that internet dating isn’t for me, but I’m too lazy to go out and see if I can meet guys another way. I play it safe and stay home. But when I do something to meet new people, nothing happens so I get frustrated. Maybe the thing that will allow me to meet people is the one thing I’m not doing. I just wish that my relationship status wasn’t this big thing looming over me. I’ve always had it there because I literally can’t stop thinking about it. I don’t get why and I really wish there was an off button so I could just turn off the worry and move on with my life. I have a happy and good life, I just keep reminding myself of the fact that I’m missing a significant other. Which I’ve never really had so why do I want something that I’ve never had so badly?

It’s been one month... One month since I sent that text... One month since I made the decision... ...to let him go. It wasn’t even a relationship - a situationship is what I called it. We were friends with benefits but saw each other every week, practically acting like a couple (without the exclusivity). One whole month since I decided that I needed to wait. Wait for love. Wait for a real, all consuming passion. Just wait. Alone....all alone. But you know what? It’s been okay. I guess him disappearing earlier that month made it easier. I don’t look at my phone and expect a message from his number anymore. On a Friday night, I keep myself preoccupied, not thinking about the fact that he used to message me like clockwork asking me to come over. It gets easier. It still hurts, but is getting easier. I wish I could just let him go completely. I still think about him and the fact that he never wanted me - that he never fought for me because he never really cared. And all of that puts me back over the edge of sadness. But I can’t keep doing that. I know I’ve stepped back and kept to myself, much to my friends attempts to get me out there again. And I feel bad I can’t get off my arse and just go. I know it’s not just the whole not wanting to meet anyone - I really do - I’m just over it. I’m over going out. I want to stay in, in the comfort of my home and just be alone. Isolation isn’t a bad thing to me. I also know that it isn’t good that I keep doing it. I need to shape up or prepare myself for a life of isolation. I need to get out of my comfort zone and spend time with people who make me happy. I may not have a relationship for a while but friends are important. They’re the thing that will get me through. And I need to suck it up and live my life - because when I really look at it, my life is pretty amazing!