Ever since I was little my dad has been my best friend. He taught me to be the strong willed person I am today. Nothing would have become what it is today without him. I remember so many things about him, some good, some bad. For as long as I can remember he was sick. Whether it be alcoholism, smoking, back pain, COPD. There was always something. For a while he let it consume him. Staying home and not being around the family. He didn’t come to school functions, he let that pain take that away from him. Watching that at a young age was hard, seeing your best friend go through such pain all the time, it’s heart breaking. That was just the beginning.
Around 2011, my mother and father decided to split up. My mom moved out and got her own place. Her and I, did not get along. In my eyes, she hurt my best friend and that was that. I didn’t look at her side of it though and what she dealt with. A little while later, they renewed their vows. My dad had totally changed. He went to church every weekend, came to all school events. It was so nice to have him around. He still had that pain and sickness, but he pushed through it.
As the years went on, he continued to get sicker and sicker. I had started dating the love of my life, September of 2017. This is the man my dad always told me about. Always told me I would find. Someone who loved all sides to me and looked at my like I was a prize. He loved me, the way my dad loved my mom. My dad was always so loving, and he loved hard. Even though at times it may have been hard to see, he did. Devon is the same way. They always say you’ll marry someone like your dad. I will. Devon is so much like my dad it’s crazy. I continue to fall more and more in love with him everyday. Unfortunately, he did not get to see the best parts of my dad.
When Devon came into the picture my dad was severely sick. He was in and out of Hospice, on oxygen and losing himself. As the days grew closer the more of him withered away. Days went by too fast. I watched my best friend wither away to nothing. I watched him totally lose himself. Each day got harder and harder.
February 14, 2018. Valentines Day. The worst day of my life.
Just like that, he was gone. It’s a feeling I never wanted to feel. To know the man that helped give you life, that was with you every day, every accomplishment, every heart break, gone, just like that. I know I’m not the only one that goes through this. I had a little bit of peace with it, because at that point, he was no longer in pain. He took his first steps pain free. Days come and go, but the hurt stays. Not a day goes by where he isn’t on my mind. Knowing that he didn’t get to really experience Devon and love him the way I do. Knowing he won’t walk me down the isle when the day comes. Won’t get to hold my children. Those feeling will never go away. But the days will get better. Good days and bad days. There isn’t anything wrong with hurting and crying and breaking down. It’s okay to hurt. But you have to pick yourself up and keep moving, because you may not see it but there is at least one person that needs you, every single day. I will see my dad again, I believe this, and that’s what keeps me going. I tell you this story of my amazing father because I know someone out there is going through the same thing and feeling that same heartbreak. You are not the only one and you will be okay. As cliche as that may sound, it’s 100% true.
Let it hurt, Then Let it go . One of my most favorite quotes.
