#singledad

You hummed again, moving your head gently against Pril’s, letting her feel the steady rhythm of your heart. Slowly, almost imperceptibly at first, her wails softened into hiccups, then small whimpers. She shifted in your arms, resting her tiny head against your shoulder. Not asleep yet, but calmer.

Tonowari exhaled, shoulders dropping slightly. “Thank you,” he murmured, his voice rough with fatigue.

“Anytime,” you said. You meant it.

He lingered there a moment, just watching you rock her, and then something else came out—a confession, quiet, hesitant.

“I… I am struggling,” he said finally. “I cannot rest. The people need me. Tsireya… she needs me.” His voice caught slightly, and he shifted his weight, uneasy. “Ronal chose her to be the next Tsahìk. She still does not know. I must guide her. I must protect her. There is no room for weakness.”

You nodded silently, understanding without needing him to say more. You could see it in the way his hands trembled slightly, in the tension of his jaw, in the tired lines around his eyes.

“And… you,” he said, voice softer now, almost vulnerable. “Even though you are… human… you have been here. Helping. Watching. Supporting. I… I am grateful.”

You blinked at him, unsure if he realized how much that simple admission warmed your chest. “I’m happy to help,” you murmured. “You don’t have to carry it all alone.”

For a moment, Tonowari allowed himself to lean a little closer, shoulders brushing yours as he watched you cradle Pril. The baby’s hiccups turned into tiny sighs of comfort. You hummed again, lightly stroking her tiny arms.

“You make it… easier,” he admitted softly. “Even if I do not always… understand you, or why you chose to stay. Even so…” He glanced down at Pril, then back at you. “I can put that aside. Because you… are here. And she… is calmer. Because of you.”

You smiled faintly, feeling warmth spread through your chest. He wasn’t perfect, and he didn’t have to be. And neither did you.

The reef stretched around you in silence, filled only by the gentle swish of water against stilts and the quiet breaths of a tiny baby. Tonowari’s hand brushed yours again, tentative but sure, and he let it linger.

For a little while, at least, there was peace.

Pril’s hiccups slowed, and finally, finally, she drifted into a quiet, even sleep. Her tiny body relaxed completely against your chest, the faint rise and fall of her breathing steady. You adjusted her carefully, tucking her head against your shoulder and holding her a little closer, letting her warmth seep into your skin.

Tonowari let out a long, quiet breath and sank onto the mat beside you, leaning against the wooden support of the marui. His shoulders sagged, the tension in his body finally giving way. For the first time in days, you noticed the weight he carried wasn’t just in his arms—it was in the slump of his spine, the set of his jaw, the way his eyes flicked around the room like he was still watching, still alert.

“You…” he began, voice soft, hesitant, “…you make this easier. Even when I am tired. Even when I cannot rest.”

You smiled faintly, still humming a soft, wordless tune for Pril. “You don’t have to carry it all alone,” you murmured.

He closed his eyes for a moment, and when he spoke again, there was a quiet honesty there that made your chest ache. “I think of her sometimes,” he admitted, voice barely above a whisper. “Ronal. The first time she held Aonung… the way she sang to him, soft, patient… I… I wish I could have remembered every detail. I…” His words faltered, caught between grief and fatigue.

You shifted slightly, brushing your hand against his as you held Pril. “You’re trying,” you said gently. “That’s enough. You’re doing the best you can.”

Tonowari’s eyes opened slowly, meeting yours. For a moment, he just stared, as if weighing whether it was safe to trust the words. Then, almost imperceptibly, he nodded. “Yes… yes, I am trying. But the people… Tsireya… she needs me, too. I cannot fail her, not when she has so much responsibility ahead. She does not yet know. I must guide her as Ronal would have.”

You leaned just a little closer, letting the warmth of your body brush against his arm. “Then let me help,” you said softly. “I’ve been here. I can watch her while you rest for a moment. You don’t have to shoulder everything.”

A faint, almost shy smile tugged at his lips. “You… you are human,” he said, words heavy with thought. “And yet… you are here. You care. You… help. It is strange, but… comforting.”

“It doesn’t matter what I am,” you replied, shrugging lightly. “What matters is that she sleeps. That you can rest. That we’re… helping together.”

He glanced down at Pril, her tiny hand curling against your collarbone, and then back at you. His expression softened, guarded walls lowering ever so slightly. “I… I am grateful,” he said, voice low. “Even if I wrestle with the thought of what you are. I… I can put that aside. Because you… are here. And she… sleeps.”

The reef stretched around you in peaceful quiet. The faint sway of the marui, the gentle rush of the tide, Pril’s even breathing… it felt almost like a bubble of calm.

Tonowari shifted closer, shoulders brushing yours again. Tentative, careful, as if testing whether he could let himself rest against someone else. And for a moment, you allowed yourself to let him.

“You can lean,” you said quietly, fingers brushing against his forearm. “It’s okay. You can rest a little.”

He hesitated, then slowly leaned against you, a small, almost imperceptible exhale leaving him as if he had been holding it for too long. You hummed again, soft, steady, letting him feel that he wasn’t alone.

And for the first time in weeks, Tonowari let himself relax, even if just a little, in the quiet warmth of the moment, surrounded by the soft blue of the reef, a sleeping baby, and someone who truly cared.

Apparently this is common with most parents and babies, and it feels nice to be wanted, you know? But it would be nice to attend to my hygiene without my kid screaming the house down, and I am not one of those dumb parents who let their kid cry without being soothed. Call it gentle parenting if you want but it’s just not cool in my opinion.

But I really need a shower.

I gave her stomach a squeeze with the tip of my fingers, making a ‘ch, ch’ noise while doing so before I left the room. I took my shirt off the moment I got in the bathroom, and went to turn on the shower- hoping Rocky hasn’t used up any hot water (again). The water doesn’t really clean Rocky himself but washes his protection shield, but then, he can just use a sponge and soap for that right? Suppose he does need hot water- but the amount of time he spends in there is a little concerning.

As the shower warmed up I checked myself in the mirror, I actually don’t look to bad. Still toned, still got muscle in my arms though but I have a tiny pouch going on as I haven’t really worked out in a while since… Well, parenting solo.

I do go on walks though with Aria and Rocky- they’re pretty nice, peaceful as well. We live near a river so we often take a stroll and Aria just laughs at anything passing by- she seems to have an obsession with birds at the moment so we often feed the ducks.

There was an incident though when she threw the whole packet of food for the ducks in the river out of excitement and some pensioner (or boomer is what those gen z’s call them- got called that by a student one time actually) shouted at me as if it was my fault and we’re damaging the environment and Rocky ended up calling them, uh… A little b word (he told me he started listening to gangsta rap to expand his vocabulary which is ‘perfect’). Yeah, we left immediately before it escalated. Fun times.

Shower’s finally hot. Welp, time to go in cause house work is done, Aria is asleep, Rocky is doing his thing so I can get clean. I start to unbuckle my belt-

Aria is not asleep.

I sighed and turned off the shower before walking back to my room where I saw Aria in her crib which I put her in probably less than five minutes ago (clearly that was enough time to believe I was gone forever), whimpering and making that cute pouty lip when she isn’t happy about something.

Despite the fact she is emotionally blackmailing me right now, she is adorable as heck.

I put my hand on Aria’s belly. “Hey, hey, hey… Daddy’s here sweetheart, shh… He just really really really wants a shower. Cause people will judge daddy and he gets judged plently enough bug.”

I know she doesn’t understand. But it’s nice to talk to her cause it does feel like bonding in a way, and to be honest, Aria does look at me as if she is listening to everything I say, even if it’s foreign to her, cause babies sense things. They can be smart.

I highly doubt she understands what’s going on here though, cause she is still whimpering and looking at me with those big, silly, adorable eyes. Looking at me as if I'm the problem. Man, this kid.

I sigh. “… Ok, ok. Come here.” I pick her up again and she lays her chin on my bare shoulder, and I start to bounce her gently and hush her.

After five minutes Aria starts to calm down a little, so maybe I can put her down now and see if she gets comfortable now.

And so I do. I lay her down. I give her a thumbs up. I start to walk backwards slowly…

Slowly…

Slowly…

Ok… We’re off to a good start.

Nearly out the door-

Aaaand she’s crying again.

Perfect.

🌼🌼🌼🌼🌼🌼🌼🌼🌼🌼🌼🌼

I strap Aria into her bouncer. I decided after the fifth attempt of trying to succesfully go to the shower, maybe it’s not so bad to be supervised by a six month old. Hey, maybe if I slipped and went unconscious she could scream the house down and alert the neighbours or something like that. She’d be a local hero.

Though maybe I shouldn’t traumatise a six month old. So, maybe I should aim to not slip in the shower.

“Ok. You comfy?”

“Huh.” Aria says to me.

“I’ll take that as a yes. Can daddy shower now?”

She tried to touch my face. My chest always melts for some reason when she does that. I gave her hand a kiss and stood back up, finally being able to go in the shower without a crisis.

I stripped everything off before stepping into the shower, and I closed the curtian before turning the hot water on which actually was hot. Rocky’s been good. I’m very glad.

I wet my hair and oh my god it felt so good. To be honest, it’s only been two days since I showered but my god it feels like a lifetime and it feels really good to have that hot water on me.

As I put the shampoo on the palm of my hand, I can hear Aria getting anxious. But it was fine cause once I put the shampoo in my hair I leaned out of the shower curtian so she could see my face.

“I’m still here, bug.” I called out softly. Aria’s face instantly brightened when she saw me, definitely looked more content. If only other people looked at me that way. I must be the coolest person to her.

I smiled at her before I put my head under the water again. Then, ten seconds later Aria made very concerned noises. I huffed, rinsed my hair, and leaned back out.

“Hey, hey. I’m right here, bug. I’m not disapearing, I promise.”

Aria smiled again and started kicking her feet.

I grin to myself. “Crisis averted.”

It quickly becomes a pattern. I shower. I lean out. I reassure Aria. She smiles at me. I smile back cause she’s got a very cute smile which I unapologetically brag about. Then back to shower. Repeat.

It was actually quite fun to do. Makes shower time less boring.

I lean out again.

"Why is Grace wet, question?” Rocky asks. Appearing out of nowhere.

I let out a high pitch shriek before I frantically cover myself with the shower curtain before Rocky sees more of me than he usually does.

When did Rocky get in here?!

“Why are you here?!” I ask, nearly shrieking again.

“Rocky is observing the tiny human.”

“I’m showering!”

“Grace said if Grace is out of sight Rocky must observe tiny human.”

“Rocky you can clearly see my silhouette behind this curtian!”

Aria is now laughing, glad someone finds this funny.

Rocky just gestured vaguely. “Tiny human becomes distress when you are not in visual distance.”

“Cause she’s a baby and attached to me!” I yell, starting to feel flustered as I’m the only naked one in here. Aria quickly confirmed my statement by giggling and reaching out to me

Of course, Rocky continues, completely unfazed at the fact that I am completely naked behind the shower curtain.

"Grace repeatedly make sure tiny human can see Grace. Tiny human checks for Grace, finds Grace, stops worrying."

I just stare at him.

"...What?"

"Grace repeatedly emerge from shower to reassure tiny human."

I pause, continuing to stare at him.

Is he analysing my parenting?

"...Please do not analyse my parenting."

"Rocky not judging. Rocky documenting."

"That's worse."

"Correction: documenting successful parenting behavior!"

"Rocky."

"Yes, Grace?"

"Stop."

"Stopping."

Aria made an impatient noise and kicked her legs again.

I softend. “I’m still here, bug! Daddy’s here!”

Rocky looked at Aria.

Then at me.

“The tiny human is very dependent on you.”

… Is he serious right now? How does parenting work with Eridians cause Rocky judges human babies a lot I notice- especially mine.

I gestured to Aria. “Yeah- cause she’s a baby!”

“Rocky sees that.”

“And it is very normal for a human baby to be attached to their caregiver Rocky.”

“… Understood. Rocky may understand one day."

I sighed loudly, my patience is thin as hell and I really want to smell like I actually care about taking care of my hygeine.

“Ok. Rocky- out.”

“Rocky is supervising infant.”

“I’m supervising her.”

“Grace is behind a curtian, hence that does not count as supervising because Grace can't see-”

“GET OUT OF THE BATHROOM!”

I threw a nearby towel at Rocky without thinking. Extreme reaction, I know, but I hit my limit with showertime interruptions.

After a few moments of tense silence (besides the shower running, probably wasting a lot of water right now), Rocky simply came out with a “Understood.”

And just as I was about to return to shampooing my hair…

“… Why is tiny human allowed to observe you unclothed? This is unfa-"

“OUT.”

And thank god- he finally left. I heard the door close, and the only noise now was the shower running.

I had to look at Aria to completely calm down, and I did actually. She just smiled at me and started to giggle which always made my chest feel fuzzy on the inside.

“There she is.” I smile soflty. I was finally able to complete my shower and felt like a new- and clean, person.

Parenting isn’t easy. Especially when it comes to being a single dad to a young infant (though feels like I have two kids at this point).

But, would I change this life? Aria? Even Rocky?

Heck no.

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Chapters

one

two

three

four

five

six

seven

eight

nine

Aziraphale practically ran down the path leading to the kindergarten, his footsteps echoing behind him.

He burst into the building and headed toward the only lit room.

Out of breath, he walked through the door.

"Good evening. I—"

“Daddy!!!”

He barely had time to drop his shoulder bag and crouch down to welcome his son into his arms when the boy threw himself against his chest.

He whispered into his son's golden locks, "I'm sorry, Ethan. I—"

His son shook his head against him and, looking up at him with his big green eyes, he said seriously,

"I'm sure it's because you've been working hard, Dad. Besides, I didn’t mind because Muriel played with me all the time.”

"That's right, Mister Fell. Ethan was very well-behaved and we had a lot of fun.”

Aziraphale stood up with Ethan in his arms and turned toward the young daycare worker approaching them.

“Thank you so much, Muriel, and I’m very sorry for the trouble.”

Muriel shook their head. 

"Ethan is adorable. It wasn't a chore at all."

"Yes, but..."

"No, your situation isn't easy, and we all understand."

“Thank you again.”

Ethan swung his legs, signaling to Aziraphale that he wanted to be put down.

“Shall we go home?”

Muriel brought Ethan’s shoes, jacket, and small bag, and after exchanging goodbyes, father and son headed toward their car.

Azirphale put Ethan in his car seat, buckled him in, and got behind the wheel.

He sighed. 

The exhaustion he’d ignored all day weighed on his shoulders like a heavy burden.

He was so tired. He knew that even after getting home, he’d have a ton of things to do: Dinner, cleaning, laundry, a report for the next day...

Suddenly, a gurgle beside him snapped him out of his thoughts.

He looked at his son, who was holding his stomach. "I'm really hungry, Dad," he said sheepishly. 

Aziraphale nodded and turned the key.

"Let's go home and eat," he said.

"Yay!"

Aziraphale added fondly. “Tell me about your day, sweetie.”

His son’s enthusiasm was enough to make Aziraphale forget his weariness for a moment. Fifteen minutes later, he pulled into the parking lot of the building.

Just as he pulled the handbrake, he saw a figure walking past the car. He was surprised to see that it was their neighbor. 

He murmured, "He's coming home at the same time as us."

As if he’d heard him, the man turned his head toward the car. Meeting his gaze through the windshield, he gave  Aziraphale a brief nod in greeting.

They ran into each other occasionally when taking out the trash, but they’d never really spoken. 

Aziraphale wondered what kind of work he did.

Given his appearance, with his flashy hair, piercings, and tattoos, Aziraphale could easily imagine him working in fashion or design.

Brought back to reality by Ethan, who was swinging his legs, Aziraphale got out of the car to unbuckle his son's seatbelt and help him get out. 

As the boy babbled, Aziraphale couldn't help but think about their mysterious neighbor. At first, he had found him a little scary because he was always dressed in black and often wore sunglasses that hid his eyes. However, he quickly changed his mind when he saw how the red-haired man always responded in a kind and gentle manner whenever they passed each other and Ethan greeted him.

Almost shy.

The sound of the door closing brought him back to the present just as Ethan reached his arms out toward him and asked, "Dad, what's for dinner today?"

"Well..."

Aziraphale reached out to pick up Ethan. Suddenly, it was as if his hand slipped. 

His vision narrowed, and everything became blurred with black. 

The floor came closer.

"Daddyyyy!"

He felt so heavy.

Powerless.

It was as if he were sinking into a bottomless lake, with no chance of returning to the surface.

Every push confronting him with his failures.

"Aziraphale? You don't love me, do you?"

Aziraphale couldn't answer. 

“I think we should break up.”

His girlfriend gets up in tears and storms out of the restaurant, and he does nothing to stop her.

Don't cry.

"Mister Fell, do you really think these numbers are acceptable? How long have you been working at this company?"

His boss waved charts and statistics in front of him while continuing to scold him.

Over and over again.

Don't get mad.

"I'm sorry, Azi, my angel. I won’t be able to continue this journey with you.”

His grandmother, lying sick in her hospital bed, tries to comfort him even though he feels helpless.

Don't look so sad.

Ethan sits cross-legged in front of his mother’s portrait, tears streaming down his cheeks. Aziraphale sits next to him with his hand on Ethan’s back, sharing in his grief.

I'll love you on behalf of your mother, too.

I'll do my best.

Please smile.

Ethan smiles broadly and shouts, “Daddy!” as he jumps into his arms.

This time, the force pushed him upward.

Toward the light.

Toward the air.

Suddenly, as if he had finally reached the surface, he took a deep breath and opened his eyes.

He blinked several times to adjust to the light.

Where was he?

"Are you awake?"

He gasped, startled, and turned toward the voice. He gasped again when he saw their neighbor sitting next to his bed with Ethan asleep in his arms.

Aziraphale sat up.

"What...how...where?"

His questions were interrupted by a soft chuckle. His neighbor said gently, "I don't know if you remember, Aziraphale, but you fainted in the parking lot."

Aziraphale murmured, recalling the events as if through a fog: "I fell."

His neighbor continued, "Your child was crying, and I didn't know what to do, so I called an ambulance."

Embarrassed, Aziraphale murmured, “I’m sorry for causing you trouble.”

His neighbor shook his head.

"Ethan was even more troubled than I was..."

Aziraphale looked tenderly at his son, who was sleeping soundly against his neighbor.

"He was so worried that he wouldn't stop crying. It wasn’t until he was sure you’d be okay that he stopped crying and fell asleep.”

"Oh, sweetie, I'm sorry I worried you."

Aziraphale sat up and reached out to his son, gently stroking his cheek with his knuckle.

"After several tests, the doctors concluded that your fainting was likely due to stress or overwork."

His neighbor kept talking to him, still in that same gentle voice that made Aziraphale’s throat tighten with emotion.

In a slightly hoarse voice, he said, “I’m sorry again for the trouble. Thank you, for me and for Ethan.”

The man wasn’t a family member or even a friend, yet he took care of Aziraphale and Ethan, even staying by his bedside. 

Aziraphale's throat tightened again.

This time, it was because he had just realized something that terrified him. 

Ethan’s mother, his parents, and his grandparents, who had raised him, were all dead. He had no one left. If anything happened to him, he wouldn't have anyone to take care of Ethan.

"It's difficult, but..."

His neighbor’s soft voice snapped him out of his spiraling thoughts, and Aziraphale noticed that he had moved his chair closer to the edge of the bed as he continued, “When you’re not feeling well, you can ask the people around you for help, right? We’re neighbors, so we can help each other out when needed. That’s why I wanted to help you as best I could.” 

"Oh..."

As he watched the man stifle a yawn and be careful not to wake Ethan in his arms, Aziraphale reflected on what he had just said.

These weren't pretentious words meant to sound cool. The man had said them sincerely and naturally, as if they were the most obvious thing in the world.

His neighbor stood up, leaned toward him, and held out his hand. "If you feel up to it, we can go home."

Aziraphale looked at the man's messy hair, piercings, tattoo on his temple, and the casual outfit he wore. He didn’t know what kind of man his neighbor was. But seeing Ethan sleeping against him, trusting him, and seeing his open face and outstretched hand, Aziraphale decided to accept his offer.

Receiving that kind of kindness when he felt so tired and weak was wonderful, and he didn’t want to let that feeling go.

He reached out and took the hand. 

"Let’s go home."

_________

Still not beta'd

Still not my native language

Still hoping you'll enjoy this story  🥰

Still thanking you for bearing with me 😝