#simple wedding

every time I spend any time around my family or people they know, I feel less and less like I belong, I mean I never felt like I belonged, I was always the outsider… but since my autism diagnosis - it’s like I’ve realised just how much, and how my behaviours and beliefs do not align with theirs, not even a little bit. I just feel so distant and isolated around them, it makes me so sad, I barely have any family as it is and to feel so isolated from the ones I do have, kind of breaks my heart.

we went to my nanas for my birthday today and I made a crucial mistake, I forgot her friend was coming. I have to prepare myself for any kind of social interaction before it happens down to all the little things like where I may sit and what I wear, even if I have my hair natural or straight, because believe me; in my family it matters. today I decided to go cosy casual but I texted my nan before we came to let her know, to hopefully avoid comments (I did thankfully!) but I had prepared for celebrating my nanas birthday with her, myself and my partner. I forgot a few weeks earlier she said her friend was coming too, now this friend of hers I’ve known since I was a baby and my nan has known since school, so it is not someone who is completely unfamiliar to me, but the issue was is that I had forgotten and so hadn’t prepared for it. we pulled up into my nans driveway and I saw another car and I held back a panic, I was confused and thought my nana wouldn’t not tell me if someone else was here, and she didn’t, she asked me weeks beforehand which I really appreciate and usually I wouldn’t forget, but I did.

once inside, the mask went up and around my family is honestly probably the heaviest I mask, because I need to, I have to. my family is a family that lets it be known if you look or are acting what they deem to be “off” or “strange”. it was so much harder today because I hadn’t prepared for someone else to be there, which is my own fault, but it still threw me off, it also threw me off because I forgot. I have been forgetting more recently and I hate it because I am usually so prepared for things.

we got my nana a birthday cake, carrot cake her favourite, candles, a card and ferrero rochers also her favourite, and this little ornament of an adult elephant with a baby one, I said to her the idea is; that it is meant to be me and her, when I was little. elephants are one of my nans favourites, her friend also got her an elephant gift. it was lovely to see my nan seem more happy and enjoying the gifts and the love. she’s been sick with a bad flu the past week or so, so I am so glad she seems to be feeling a bit better and enjoying things. 💕

the main topic of discussion was our wedding, which is natural of course. I even took my dress and shoes to try on to show my nana in person, she seemed to like them, so I am glad and relieved at that! we may need to get my dress taken up as it is a bit too long and I am stumbly at the best of times, never mind in heels (I never wear heels) and a too long dress! but that’s something easy to sort. what really overwhelmed me and made me feel so isolated again is so many opinions, ideas being pushed onto me. now, I do understand this is normal especially for the mother of the bride, which in my case is my nana, to take over. but it is just so much and with her friend there, they were sort of bouncing off of each other and disregarding our ideas and what we want. our wedding is for us, no one else.

I am quite relaxed about things, everyone doesn’t have to be matching or look perfect, in fact I just want people to be comfortable and hopefully have a lovely time. but to my nan and also her friend, every little detail matters. everything has to be matching and perfect. again, I am aware this is probably normal but as a vulnerable autistic person and also as an autistic couple, this isn’t how we want to do things and we’ve made that clear time & time again. the wedding is for us and our love, yes we want things to look pretty but we want things in our own style and want to everyone to be comfortable. it is hard communicating this as I do know our idea of a wedding is different to the norm and much more lowkey, amongst my partner and I, we say that we are making this an autistic friendly wedding. as it should be, as the people getting married (us) are autistic! we need and want lowkey, relaxed and our own choices and decisions. it clouds my brain when other people throw so many different ideas for things at me, especially since we’ve already got a lot of the details sorted and planned but other people like my nan and her friend don’t understand or respect that. they were trying to get me to wear pearls and this headdress that I really don’t like and a fur shawl, all of that could not be further from me. my nans friend kept sort of poking fun at the flower crown I’ve chosen (which is very lovely!) saying it looks fairy-ish, but not in a nice way and it made me feel stupid. I just want to dress how I want, it’s our day, no one else’s.

I just can’t deal with this pressure! we should finally be having that family therapy session this friday to deal with the immense pressure my grandparents put on me, it was supposed to happen the last two fridays but they both got cancelled due to different people being sick. I hope the session helps so much because all the pressure and expectations is damaging my relationships with both my grandparents, mainly my nan, and they are the only close family I have left. and let’s face it, they are older, who knows how much time I’ll have left with them, I want to spend that time getting on and respecting each other, for how we treat each other to come from a place of love and kindness, not judgement and misunderstanding.

my autism diagnosis has helped me in so many ways, I can’t even put it into words, but it is like I am discovering and figuring myself out all over again and that includes who I am not. it seems to be a big, long and difficult process and is affecting every area of my life, I just hope I’ll get to a better place eventually. within myself but also with my family.

I would like to say something positive though, yesterday I managed to do the laundry and the dishwasher all myself, load and unload, hang up and put away! since before june, my partner has been doing it all (bless him, I am so grateful) and i’ve barely been able to do a thing, but I did it all yesterday. I won’t lie, I did feel awful after, but looking back on it today, I am proud of myself and do feel better for doing it. it’s baby steps, eventually I’ll get back to myself, even if what I considered to be myself for so long, is different now.

“Many have an image of me, few get the picture.”

💌 M x

P.S. I haven’t proofread this as I am too tired and we are about to have some pizza & watch gilmore girls. but I must remind myself, not everything needs to be perfect. pictured below is the beautiful flower crown I will be having for our wedding. ︎ ♡︎

Shasta Marie Photography

Cobblestone Farm - Ann Arbor, MI