was it not enough that she sent me down there to die? that she didn't even ask for my name until after i had a mental break and confronted her about it because i knew for a fact she'd never asked of her own volition and it was my only way to confirm it was actually her? was it not enough that she dropped my ass into the blood ocean to the point that i got a concussion and several other injuries to show for it because she knew she could get away with mistreating me and no one would care?

(listen. i get that that last bit was because i shot everyone with the cancer ray gun without understanding the full ramifications of what that entailed. this one was perhaps somewhat justified. i am still mad about it so just allow me to have that for this one little bit, ok? ok.)

"ava didn't actually want convict to die" ok but you know that i died anyways right. i don't give a fuck what she wanted, she still sent me down there knowing i was expendable enough in the eyes of the C.O.I. to lose. her motives mean fuck all to me in this scenario because she's still the last person i ever saw before i tore my own arm off and drowned because she put me in there after lying to me SEVERAL times. it literally does not matter to me that she /wanted/ me to come back, she knew there was a VERY high chance that i wouldn't. sure she may not have Wanted to hit me with her car, even i know that would have been exceedingly cruel, but guess whose fucking guts are splattered all over the asphalt anyways.

i understand why she did it. i don't even dislike her, the non convictkin part of my brain is actually very very fond of her as a character. that does NOT translate to me finding interest in being intimate with her, AT ALL, and i am mystified that there are people out there who think i would let her so much as touch my shoulder after everything she did to me.

- the convict (iron lung) 🩸🌊

(p.s. actually, anyone doing it Specifically because it's fucked up and toxic honestly gets a pass. i have infinitely more respect for them than i do anyone who would even suggest that i would for real, of a sound mind, choose to date her.)

(p.p.s. no hate or hard feelings to any avas who are around these days, even if you were miraculously "my" ava. admittedly i don't rlly forgive you but it's a different life and all, i wouldn't want past things getting in the way of the present. plus, i'm sure there are also some things you still don't forgive me for anyways. we're all good 👍.)

(Aside: we are best friends, so it will go fine, but oh my god this is wild that it actually lined up like this.. or I'm just making a big deal about it because I haven't been in a Simon shift since January, and I feel this underlying boiling anger.. which makes sense for this shift I guess =_=")

- the convict/simon (iron lung)🩸🌊 (who's so fucking tired. i /like/ p.hm too, a lot actually, which is the agonizing part. like love that guy (as a character) and i do understand the appeal of it all but also. can i please stop having to see people making me and him kiss all the time, it's getting on my fucking nerves.)

people only got buried in the inner gardens once they died of NATURAL CAUSES OR INEVITABILITIES. it was essentially our graveyard (i say essentially because it was a far less melancholy place to be than graveyards on earth are generally considered), so the idea that we *killed people* just to bury them there feels so insulting.

first of all, that's fucked up. i get that everything all the time was fucked up but like. come on man. second of all, we would never do something like that to one of the most culturally sacred areas on the station, are guys out of your minds?? i wasn't even that religious or anything but the inner gardens were like The place that anyone and everyone from eden had a lot of respect for, it was like a universal safe zone. marking it with unnecessary death and destruction would just be unthinkable.

also like. for the record. you would Only be buried there if you were from eden. like i'm sorry, i know this is kind of morbid and extremely petty but there's just no way they'd bury C.O.I. members in the gardens. MAYBE if you used to be from eden but even then i doubt we'd even *have* C.O.I. members on the ship, living or dead, because eden didn't take hostages or prisoners of war. unlike a certain coalition i know -_-💢.

- the convict/simon (iron lung) 🩸🌊 who's deciding it's time to be a hater, actually.

i wish i could've met dave and engineer mark, they seem sweet. double handshake of tormented guys in space (engineer mark) 🤝 and guys in a fucked up apocalypse situation (dave) 🤝 where we all know jack fucking shit.

i think i'm just getting kind of mushy realizing i don't have any good memories from then, none that i can remember off the top of my head at least. it's. it's lonely, y'know. knowing that i didn't have anyone that would miss me then. so i'm just gonna live vicariously through this version of me that got to have something better. something that wasn't just the inevitable, at least.

- the convict/simon (iron lung) 🩸🌊

seriously, could i get a break from the blood, please?

– simon #👒📜