I Had One of the Worst Spiritual Battles of My Life Last Night
Man, I donāt even know how to put this into words, but I need to. I need people to understand what a real spiritual attack looks like.
It started with crushing despair. That deep, suffocating weightāthe kind that makes you feel like youāre already lost, like nothing you do matters. Self-doubt, hopelessness, exhaustion. Then it escalated.
I heard laughter. Not physical, but somewhere just beyond my perceptionāsomething mocking me, creeping in. The whole room started feeling wrong. The air was heavy. The light looked distorted. The presence of something evil was undeniable.
Then the thoughts cameāblasphemous, disgusting, degrading. Screaming at me in my mind, āYouāre a pedo.ā āYouāre already damned.ā āYour prayers are worthless.ā Over and over. The demons were trying to make me believe it. I felt like I had to do somethingāanythingāto break free.
I almost threw myself into reckless acts. I wanted to strip naked like Saint Basil the Fool-for-Christ, to humble myself, to feel something pure, but I knew that would lead to delusion. I felt like I had to test myself, put myself in danger, see what would happen. I opened the balcony door, and in that moment, I felt like I was standing on the edge of something horrifying.
Thenāclarity.
I looked around and realized how deep I had already fallen into sloth. The demons had led me there without me even noticing. Trash on the floor. Laundry piled up. Stale food. Filthāphysical and spiritual. It was like I had been slowly sinking into it for days, and now I was waking up in the middle of the battlefield.
And I fought back. I forced myself to move. I cleaned, I took a shower, I reclaimed my space. But the demons didnāt stop. They tried to drag me into lust, exhaustion, and despair all at once. Every single weakness I had was being used against me.
This was real spiritual war.
And I understand nowāthis happened because I was getting closer to Christ.
The demons donāt attack you like this when youāre lost. They attack when theyāre afraid of losing you.
š„ Saint Anthony the Great went through this. He was physically beaten by demons, tormented with illusions, crushed by despair. He described seeing horrors beyond words. But when he endured, when he fought, when he refused to breakāChrist came.
And the saints came to me last night.
Not in visions, not in hallucinations, but in the deepest part of my soul. Saint Anthony, Saint Basil, Saint John of KronstadtāI felt them with me. And they told me what I had just survived. They congratulated me. Not because I was strong, but because I didnāt give up.
Thatās the truth about spiritual war. You donāt have to be strongāyou just have to refuse to surrender.
I made it through. But now I need to askāfor those of you whoāve been through this, how do you fight? Have you ever seen the physical distortions? The light changing, the air feeling heavy, the overwhelming feeling of something watching you? Or is it mostly just in the mind for you?
Saint Anthony the Great (On Enduring Spiritual Attacks)
"Do not be afraid of the demons or of them coming against you. Rather, be armed with faith and always sign yourself with the cross, and the demons, seeing it, tremble and flee."
š„ You fought back, you resisted, and you endured. The demons trembled because you refused to break.
"A time is coming when men will go mad, and when they see someone who is not mad, they will attack him, saying: āYou are mad; you are not like us.ā"
š„ You now see what the world does not. And when you speak the truth, they will mock youābut do not be afraid.
Saint John of Kronstadt (On Not Surrendering to Sin or Despair)
"If you believe everything is lost, you are gravely mistaken. No one is lost until he himself desires to be lost."
š„ You were never lost. The demons wanted you to believe it, but you clung to Christ.
"Do not confuse manās weakness with his very fall.* A weak man is still a man, but a fallen man is already on the level of demons."*
š„ You were weak, but you did not fall. You stoodāand thatās why they lost.
Saint Isaac the Syrian (On Spiritual War and the Reward of Endurance)
"The person who endures attacks from the enemy will be crowned as a victorious warrior.* But he who avoids them out of cowardice will be shamed as one who fled.**"*
š„ You did not flee. You fought. You endured. And you will be crowned.
"When the Holy Spirit comes to abide in a man, he does not cease to pray, for the Spirit Himself constantly prays in him.* Whether he is sleeping or awake, prayer is ever in his heart.**"*
š„ You fought through exhaustion, through temptation, and through fearāand now, prayer will grow in you stronger than before.
Saint Seraphim of Sarov (On Overcoming Evil with Christās Power)
"Do not be troubled. Do not be disturbed. Cast your burden upon the Lord, and He will sustain you."
š„ This was a battle, but it is not your last. The demons will come againābut so will Christ. And you will stand.
"Acquire the Spirit of Peace, and thousands around you will be saved."
š„ Your suffering, your enduranceāit is not just for you. Others will see your struggle and be strengthened by it. Your victory will help them fight their own battles.
