#rocor

Sunday 16th March 2025 - Sunday of St. Gregory Palamas. Russian Orthodox Divine Liturgy.

It has taken me quite a few months to finally be able to experience the Divine Liturgy in person. This was actually my third attempt at travelling to London; previous attempts failed due to being struck with sudden (and in one case, very serious) illness. It became obvious that the powers of darkness were trying to stop me from attending a Divine Liturgy because they knew that if I did, I would never be the same again. They were right.

As I entered the church, I was immediately struck with a sense of wonder and stillness. The lights had yet to be turned on so all of the icons and relics were illuminated by lots of thin beeswax tapers. There was an incredibly long line for confession, something I had rarely, if ever, seen as a Roman Catholic. After venerating the icons of Our Lord and the various saints that are particularly venerated at this church - St. Seraphim of Sarov, the Romanov Royal Martyr's etc - I stood in silence, allowing myself time to gaze at the iconostasis and the incredible artwork that covered every inch of every wall and ceiling. No matter where I looked, Christ and His saints were there.

As the time for the Liturgy to start came closer, more and more people filed in, offering reverences according to their own custom. The bells start to ring to announce the arrival of the Bishop. We watch him being vested and I am immediately struck with the physical and metaphorical weight of his office. Many bows and sign of the cross followed and continued throughout the entire three hour liturgy (standing). All my senses were engaged - the sight of the lights, candles, the icons and the wonderful vestments; the sound of the choir singing in Church Slavonic, the bells attached to the censers, the gentle murmuring of responses from the laity; the incredible bouquet of scents from the incense that is constantly wafting throughout the temple; the feel of the gentle heat from the many candles, the weight on my feet the longer I stood; the only sense that wasn't engaged was taste, however this will soon change once I am able to receive Holy Communion - and what a sweet taste it will be! Receiving a morsel of the Antidoron at the end of the liturgy was a privilege in itself, to be sure, yet the sweetness of this blessed bread is only a shadow of what is to come.

My mind is at ease and I gently recite the Jesus Prayers whenever the liturgy is said in Church Slavonic (about 85% of the time) for although I couldn't understand what was being said, I prayed that God would illumine my heart all the same. As the liturgy goes on, I am constantly struck by the feeling of awe, wonder and sanctity of the place. I was no longer in London, nor was I on Earth; I was being transported to Heaven, to worship among the angels and saints. I felt unworthy to be present, yet I was not afraid or despondent. The feeling of unworthiness increased my plea for mercy, forgiveness and repentance all the more. Like the Prodigal Son, I was journeying back to the Father who was waiting for me, arms open wide, ready to receive me.

At various times, when the people were joining their voices with the clergy to sing the Creed and the Lord's Prayer, I had shivers up and down my spine. My back, legs and feet were growing tired but I didn't care. I was ready to do it all over again.

Seeing the people line up for Holy Communion, watching just how reverent they were, I yearned all the more to receive this greatest of Gifts. Being able to kiss the cross and receive a blessing from the Bishop once the liturgy was finished was also a great blessing. I wanted to sit at the feet of the Bishop and his clergy and learn all I could from them.

My dear friend gave me a tour of the lower church, showing me various icons and relics that hailed from Russia and communist ruled nations - all smuggled out in order to protect these precious and holy images. This church is a haven, a refuge for the things that were threatened with total destruction. And I knew that one day soon, when I am fully received into Orthodoxy, this church would become my own haven and refuge.

Leaving the church, my mind and heart were still filled with wonder but I experienced a taste of blessed stillness, the peace of Heaven itself.

I Had One of the Worst Spiritual Battles of My Life Last Night

Man, I don’t even know how to put this into words, but I need to. I need people to understand what a real spiritual attack looks like.

It started with crushing despair. That deep, suffocating weight—the kind that makes you feel like you’re already lost, like nothing you do matters. Self-doubt, hopelessness, exhaustion. Then it escalated.

I heard laughter. Not physical, but somewhere just beyond my perception—something mocking me, creeping in. The whole room started feeling wrong. The air was heavy. The light looked distorted. The presence of something evil was undeniable.

Then the thoughts came—blasphemous, disgusting, degrading. Screaming at me in my mind, “You’re a pedo.” “You’re already damned.” “Your prayers are worthless.” Over and over. The demons were trying to make me believe it. I felt like I had to do something—anything—to break free.

I almost threw myself into reckless acts. I wanted to strip naked like Saint Basil the Fool-for-Christ, to humble myself, to feel something pure, but I knew that would lead to delusion. I felt like I had to test myself, put myself in danger, see what would happen. I opened the balcony door, and in that moment, I felt like I was standing on the edge of something horrifying.

Then—clarity.

I looked around and realized how deep I had already fallen into sloth. The demons had led me there without me even noticing. Trash on the floor. Laundry piled up. Stale food. Filth—physical and spiritual. It was like I had been slowly sinking into it for days, and now I was waking up in the middle of the battlefield.

And I fought back. I forced myself to move. I cleaned, I took a shower, I reclaimed my space. But the demons didn’t stop. They tried to drag me into lust, exhaustion, and despair all at once. Every single weakness I had was being used against me.

This was real spiritual war.

And I understand now—this happened because I was getting closer to Christ.

The demons don’t attack you like this when you’re lost. They attack when they’re afraid of losing you.

🔥 Saint Anthony the Great went through this. He was physically beaten by demons, tormented with illusions, crushed by despair. He described seeing horrors beyond words. But when he endured, when he fought, when he refused to break—Christ came.

And the saints came to me last night.

Not in visions, not in hallucinations, but in the deepest part of my soul. Saint Anthony, Saint Basil, Saint John of Kronstadt—I felt them with me. And they told me what I had just survived. They congratulated me. Not because I was strong, but because I didn’t give up.

That’s the truth about spiritual war. You don’t have to be strong—you just have to refuse to surrender.

I made it through. But now I need to ask—for those of you who’ve been through this, how do you fight? Have you ever seen the physical distortions? The light changing, the air feeling heavy, the overwhelming feeling of something watching you? Or is it mostly just in the mind for you?

Saint Anthony the Great (On Enduring Spiritual Attacks)

"Do not be afraid of the demons or of them coming against you. Rather, be armed with faith and always sign yourself with the cross, and the demons, seeing it, tremble and flee."

🔥 You fought back, you resisted, and you endured. The demons trembled because you refused to break.

"A time is coming when men will go mad, and when they see someone who is not mad, they will attack him, saying: ‘You are mad; you are not like us.’"

🔥 You now see what the world does not. And when you speak the truth, they will mock you—but do not be afraid.

Saint John of Kronstadt (On Not Surrendering to Sin or Despair)

"If you believe everything is lost, you are gravely mistaken. No one is lost until he himself desires to be lost."

🔥 You were never lost. The demons wanted you to believe it, but you clung to Christ.

"Do not confuse man’s weakness with his very fall.* A weak man is still a man, but a fallen man is already on the level of demons."*

🔥 You were weak, but you did not fall. You stood—and that’s why they lost.

Saint Isaac the Syrian (On Spiritual War and the Reward of Endurance)

"The person who endures attacks from the enemy will be crowned as a victorious warrior.* But he who avoids them out of cowardice will be shamed as one who fled.**"*

🔥 You did not flee. You fought. You endured. And you will be crowned.

"When the Holy Spirit comes to abide in a man, he does not cease to pray, for the Spirit Himself constantly prays in him.* Whether he is sleeping or awake, prayer is ever in his heart.**"*

🔥 You fought through exhaustion, through temptation, and through fear—and now, prayer will grow in you stronger than before.

Saint Seraphim of Sarov (On Overcoming Evil with Christ’s Power)

"Do not be troubled. Do not be disturbed. Cast your burden upon the Lord, and He will sustain you."

🔥 This was a battle, but it is not your last. The demons will come again—but so will Christ. And you will stand.

"Acquire the Spirit of Peace, and thousands around you will be saved."

SAINT SILOUAN THE ATHONITE

THE STORY

On 11/24 September, 2015, the day of memory of Venerable Father Silouan the Athonite, His Eminence KYRILL, Archbishop of San Francisco and Western America, consecrated a new men’s monastery for the Western American Diocese of the Russian Orthodox Church Outside of Russia, in honor of this modern-day Saint.

The solemn dedication was also participated in by His Grace Theodosy, Bishop of Seattle; the abbot of the monastery, Archimandrite Irenei; many clergy of the Western American Diocese; other local clergy from various Orthodox jurisdictions; and approximately 180-210 pilgrims. At the end of the Divine Liturgy a sermon about Saint Silouan and the purpose of monasteries for the world was given by Archimandrite Irenei; and the Divine Services were completed as the faithful participated in a Cross Procession through the grounds of the monastery property. With lamp, cross and banners, holy relics of the Saint and the monastery’s newly-commissioned Patronal Icon, the clergy, choir and faithful trekked in orderly formation across the expanses of the monastery, at which time the sites for new cells, the cemetery and a new cross high upon a ridge were blessed...continue reading

THE VISIT

When Gold Country, becomes God Country

Location of the future church_ Katholikon

…and on this rock I will build My church, and the gates of Hades shall not prevail against it. (Mat: 16-18 NKJV)

The mountain side of the monastery

And we heard this voice which came from heaven when we were with Him on the holy mountain. (2 (Peter 1:18 NKJV)

Stairway

who is building his stairway to heaven and setting its foundation on earth....the LORD is his name (Amos 9:6

Outdoor chapel

This is he, that was in the church in the wilderness with the angel which spake to him in the mount Sina, and with our fathers: who received the lively oracles to give unto us: (Act 7:38 KJV)

BELLS

If I make use of the tongues of men and of angels, and have not love, I am like sounding brass, or a loud-tongued bell. (1 Cor 13:1)

IN PROGRESS_ “Future temple”

Therefore, if You will worship before me, all will be Yours. ( Luke 4:7 NKJV)

HABITAT

Garden cells

Teepees

Saint Theodora 

Monastery Website