#jesusprayer

I Had One of the Worst Spiritual Battles of My Life Last Night

Man, I don’t even know how to put this into words, but I need to. I need people to understand what a real spiritual attack looks like.

It started with crushing despair. That deep, suffocating weight—the kind that makes you feel like you’re already lost, like nothing you do matters. Self-doubt, hopelessness, exhaustion. Then it escalated.

I heard laughter. Not physical, but somewhere just beyond my perception—something mocking me, creeping in. The whole room started feeling wrong. The air was heavy. The light looked distorted. The presence of something evil was undeniable.

Then the thoughts came—blasphemous, disgusting, degrading. Screaming at me in my mind, “You’re a pedo.” “You’re already damned.” “Your prayers are worthless.” Over and over. The demons were trying to make me believe it. I felt like I had to do something—anything—to break free.

I almost threw myself into reckless acts. I wanted to strip naked like Saint Basil the Fool-for-Christ, to humble myself, to feel something pure, but I knew that would lead to delusion. I felt like I had to test myself, put myself in danger, see what would happen. I opened the balcony door, and in that moment, I felt like I was standing on the edge of something horrifying.

Then—clarity.

I looked around and realized how deep I had already fallen into sloth. The demons had led me there without me even noticing. Trash on the floor. Laundry piled up. Stale food. Filth—physical and spiritual. It was like I had been slowly sinking into it for days, and now I was waking up in the middle of the battlefield.

And I fought back. I forced myself to move. I cleaned, I took a shower, I reclaimed my space. But the demons didn’t stop. They tried to drag me into lust, exhaustion, and despair all at once. Every single weakness I had was being used against me.

This was real spiritual war.

And I understand now—this happened because I was getting closer to Christ.

The demons don’t attack you like this when you’re lost. They attack when they’re afraid of losing you.

🔥 Saint Anthony the Great went through this. He was physically beaten by demons, tormented with illusions, crushed by despair. He described seeing horrors beyond words. But when he endured, when he fought, when he refused to break—Christ came.

And the saints came to me last night.

Not in visions, not in hallucinations, but in the deepest part of my soul. Saint Anthony, Saint Basil, Saint John of Kronstadt—I felt them with me. And they told me what I had just survived. They congratulated me. Not because I was strong, but because I didn’t give up.

That’s the truth about spiritual war. You don’t have to be strong—you just have to refuse to surrender.

I made it through. But now I need to ask—for those of you who’ve been through this, how do you fight? Have you ever seen the physical distortions? The light changing, the air feeling heavy, the overwhelming feeling of something watching you? Or is it mostly just in the mind for you?

Saint Anthony the Great (On Enduring Spiritual Attacks)

"Do not be afraid of the demons or of them coming against you. Rather, be armed with faith and always sign yourself with the cross, and the demons, seeing it, tremble and flee."

🔥 You fought back, you resisted, and you endured. The demons trembled because you refused to break.

"A time is coming when men will go mad, and when they see someone who is not mad, they will attack him, saying: ‘You are mad; you are not like us.’"

🔥 You now see what the world does not. And when you speak the truth, they will mock you—but do not be afraid.

Saint John of Kronstadt (On Not Surrendering to Sin or Despair)

"If you believe everything is lost, you are gravely mistaken. No one is lost until he himself desires to be lost."

🔥 You were never lost. The demons wanted you to believe it, but you clung to Christ.

"Do not confuse man’s weakness with his very fall.* A weak man is still a man, but a fallen man is already on the level of demons."*

🔥 You were weak, but you did not fall. You stood—and that’s why they lost.

Saint Isaac the Syrian (On Spiritual War and the Reward of Endurance)

"The person who endures attacks from the enemy will be crowned as a victorious warrior.* But he who avoids them out of cowardice will be shamed as one who fled.**"*

🔥 You did not flee. You fought. You endured. And you will be crowned.

"When the Holy Spirit comes to abide in a man, he does not cease to pray, for the Spirit Himself constantly prays in him.* Whether he is sleeping or awake, prayer is ever in his heart.**"*

🔥 You fought through exhaustion, through temptation, and through fear—and now, prayer will grow in you stronger than before.

Saint Seraphim of Sarov (On Overcoming Evil with Christ’s Power)

"Do not be troubled. Do not be disturbed. Cast your burden upon the Lord, and He will sustain you."

🔥 This was a battle, but it is not your last. The demons will come again—but so will Christ. And you will stand.

"Acquire the Spirit of Peace, and thousands around you will be saved."

Thought for the Day – 12 November – The Memorial of St Josaphat Kuncewicz (1584-1623) Martyr of Holy Unity

As deacon, priest and bishop, St Josaphat was distinguished by his extraordinary zeal in performing the Church services and by extraordinary devotion during the Divine Liturgy.   Not only in the church did he preach and hear confessions but likewise in the fields, hospitals, prisons and even on his personal journeys.  This zeal, united with his kindness for the poor, won great numbers of Orthodox Ruthenians for the Catholic faith and Catholic unity.   Among his converts were included many important personages such as Ignatius, former Patriarch of Moscow and Emmanuel Cantacuzenus, who belonged to the imperial family of the Byzantine Emperor Palaeologus.   His favourite devotional exercise was to make prostrations in which the head touches the ground, saying, the Jesus prayer: ‘Lord Jesus Christ, Son of God, have mercy on me, a sinner.

When Archbishop St Josaphat went to Vitebsk to calm the tumult in 1623, he knew well that his hour had come.   “Grant that I be found worthy, Lord, to shed my blood for the union and obedience to the Apostolic See”, he had prayed and his prayer was answered on 12 November as an enraged mob cruelly butchered him and profaned his body. He was in his 44th year. After five days his mortal remains were recovered from the waters of a river and taken to Polotsk to be exposed to the veneration of the faithful.   For nine days they constantly emitted a fragrance of roses and lilies and a councillor of the city abandoned the schism merely at the sight of the Saint’s beautiful countenance.   Many of the murderers struck their breasts and did likewise.   The martyr had gone gladly to his death, offering his life that the schism might end;  he had said as much beforehand and amongst the many miracles consequent to his murder was the conversion of his assassins.   Four years later the author of the troubles, the dissident bishop Meletius Smotrytsky, was himself struck with remorse and consecrated his life to penance, prayer and the defence of the Union.   Such changes of heart are indeed the greatest of miracles, won by the sanctity of the true servants of God.

Some years after St Josaphat’s martyrdom his body was found to be incorrupt, though the clothing had rotted away.   Again in 1637 and 1767 it was found to be still white and supple. It was eventually taken to the Basilica of St Peter in Rome where it reposes today.

Today, let us offer our prayers, our devotions, our Sunday Mass for unity between ourselves and most especially our Orthodox brethren, our closest family in Christ.   St Josaphat, please pray with us and for us all!

Pray without forming images in your mind. Don’t imagine Christ. The Fathers stressed prayer without images. An image is a slippery slope, because another one might be superimposed on it. It could well be that the evil one will intervene and then we lose grace.    The prayer should take pace within us, with the mind, not with the lips, so that the mind isn’t distracted and flies all over the place. In a gentle way, we should put Christ in our mind, saying really gently: ‘Lord Jesus Christ, have mercy on me’. Don’t think of anything except the words: ‘Lord Jesus Christ, have mercy on me’. Nothing else. Nothing. Calmly, with your eyes open, so you’re at no danger from fantasies and delusions, turn to Christ with attention and devotion. Say the prayer in a gentle manner and not all the time, only when you feel moved to do so, when you feel compunction, because that’s a gift of divine grace. Without grace, you’ll hypnotize yourself and you may fall into delusion and derangement. The prayer shouldn’t be a chore. Any pressure to say it might cause an adverse reaction on our part and do us harm. A lot of people have fallen sick because of the prayer, because they were under pressure to say it. Of course, something comes of it even if you say it as a chore, but it’s not healthy. And don’t use special techniques. You don’t need a little stool, never mind bowing your head or closing your eyes. A lot of people say: ‘Sit on a little stool, bow your head, apply yourself and concentrate’. But how…try it and see. You don’t need to concentrate particularly to say the prayer. There’s no need for any special effort if you love God.

Wherever you are, on a stool, a chair, in a car, on the street, at school, in the office, at work, you can say the prayer: ‘Lord Jesus Christ, have mercy upon me’. Gently, without pressure, without forcing yourself to do so. Don’t be tied down to a place. The whole thing is love for Christ. If your soul says, with devotion and desire, the words ‘Lord Jesus Christ have mercy upon me’ it’ll never get enough of it.. They’re insatiable words! Say them all your life long. There’s so much ‘juice’ in them.

+Saint Porphiryos