#shortdiary

The past few weeks have been about slowing down after a year that quietly exhausted me.

I resigned from my job, adjusted my medication with my psychiatrist, and started feeling again — not always comfortably, but more alive.

Right now I’m staying with my family in Bekasi, letting myself rest without guilt. Most days are simple: sleeping, eating, reading stories, listening to the noise of my nieces, and reminding my nervous system that “safe” doesn’t always mean “exciting.”

I haven’t applied for new jobs yet. I’m choosing recovery before productivity — even when it makes me feel useless sometimes. I’m learning that rest is not failure; it’s repair.

There’s a trip to China coming up in February. I’m excited and scared at the same time — cold weather, unfamiliar places, kids in the group, and uncertainty… but also the possibility of wonder.

I’m writing again, slowly. Revisiting old stories like Soft Daydream and Scarlet Fever — remembering that warmth and desire once flowed easily through me, and trusting that they will again.

dear me from three years ago, you were in love — not with perfection, but with warmth. you held onto every look, every small laugh, every touch that made you feel seen. and you needed that. it wasn’t wrong to crave comfort when the world felt cold.

thank you for being brave enough to feel it all, even when it hurt, even when it couldn’t last. because of you, i learned that love doesn’t always stay — but the warmth it leaves behind does.

you don’t have to wait by the door anymore. you can still keep the softness, the tenderness, the way your heart opens easily. you just don’t have to tie it to a name, or a face, or a moment that’s already passed.

Hai Mas A dan Hai Kak E,

you know i miss you so much. so much. if you knock on my door right now, i would just fall into your hug and cry — the kind of cry that says i’m tired but i’m home.

sometimes i think maybe i don’t need to say goodbye. maybe i just need to accept that you were here, once, and you made me feel safe, warm, and seen. and maybe that’s enough.

i still keep the space you left in me — not as a wound, but as a quiet room filled with memories. a place i visit sometimes when i miss how it felt to be held and understood.

i know life moves on, and we all find new warmths, new arms, new stories. but if you ever left your scarf in my room, it’s okay — my door’s open. not waiting, just welcoming.

Today feels like rolling credits. Faces keep replaying in my head, but instead of haunting me, I want to archive them softly. So here’s my messy little thank-you note:

🌸 Thank you, Kak Egi — for dragging me out of tea hell, for giving me insights outside work, for being the marble man who somehow held me together when I was cracking. I even left him my spare key in case I die in my room (he looked so shocked — not sure if he’ll keep it 😂).

🌸 Thank you, Pak Daus — for the laughs, the wise advices, random trakhiran, and the craziest giggles that made even the worst days lighter.

🌸 Thank you, Mas Adri — for being guidance, for taking care of little things I never noticed, and for making me laugh in between chaos.

🌸 Thank you, Mas Firman — for helping me with my laptop and all the tiny favors that felt huge in the moment.

So, the universe just snatched my business WhatsApp number. Gone. Burnt. Telkomsel recycled it in the middle of the night like expired milk. Some random guy bought it for 50k, tried to resell it to me for 100k. Sir, please. I offered 70k, he said no, then came back begging for 70k anyway. I ghosted. Greed never wins.

So yes, I lost every chat, every group, every little archive of chaos. But baby… maybe this is my Clean Slate Era. New number, new energy. People who matter will find me, and the rest? Let it fade. ✨

And just as my digital past evaporates, my real life plot twist arrives: the soft pink marble man. Yes, him. We finally had a long talk—not boss to employee, but human to human. He gave me so much insight for Scenario 2 (my retail dream), sharing stories and theories like some Bandung philosopher with sneakers.

The sweetest part? Me: “Aku udah bilang kan, aku mau jadi temen kamu. Kontraknya selesai, aku gamau bos-bosan. Aku mau jadi temen kamu.” Him (laughing, avoiding my eyes): “Iya kenapa sih semua orang yg jadi karyawan gw, udah beres, gamau jadi temen gw hahahaha.” Me: “Ya kenapa sih kalo aku nanya personal gini kamu bisa jelasin panjang lebar dengan baik, tapi kalo aku nanya kerjaan, kamu ga gini?” Him (still no eye contact): “Ya kan itu perspektif kamu aja.” Me: “Janji yaa jadi temen aku? Kalo aku chat, dibales yaa!” Him: “Siapppp.”

Cue my heart melting like burnt cooking pot. 🥹

Later, I texted him about his “segitiga barudak theory” and said thank you. He replied with laugh emojis and another “siap.”

Short Diary

Baby, everything feels so hazy, and I’m overwhelmed again. I think I need to slow down. I want to recover, to feel light again. I don’t want to get sick.

But oh, life has been so much fun lately ✨ My new motto? "Serendipity in random side quests." I’ve met new people, crossed paths with familiar faces from the past, and even started learning tarot cards. It’s exciting—but also a little overwhelming.

Apparently, this week’s challenge (according to tarot) is facing love—or something like that. And honestly? I’m terrified. The cards say I just have to surrender and trust the universe. But... does the universe even know that I trust it?

I want to remember all the good things. The kindness in people. The warmth in moments. Maybe that’s why I forget so much—because everything overlaps, blending into each other like a dreamy blur. But I still want to write.

My therapist (Olivia) says writing is how I channel my inner world, a way to release everything in my mind and heart. Otherwise, my body takes the weight, and eventually, it breaks. Isn’t that fascinating? That I don’t need to know what to believe—I just do what feels right.

Of course, knowing me, there had to be a little twisted chaos along the way (what’s life without a bit of mischief? 😂). But overall, today was warm, productive, and kind to me.

me and my first tried of this food called Pentol

#2 Instagram "Cobain ini Yuk!"

I saw this quote online: "It’s okay. The bad guy wins. The world is crumbling. economy, culture, and society are crumbling. This time, I want to create art."

And I found this quote resonate with me—a coping mechanism with my twisted humor (of course I do!).

😊✌️

So here I am, starting this Instagram project with new concepts, new energy, and so much chaos. This is my little corner to explore creativity, thoughts, colors, words, visuals, and vibes. I’m just having fun. So don’t be surprised if sometimes I’m a little inconsistent (especially with the color palette)—I’m still figuring out so many things.

Ever since I was a little girl, I wanted to runaway be a writer. I dissociated so much back then that I created whole worlds in my mind, writing everything down to escape reality. I didn’t have a safe place then (and, honestly, still don’t). But I wrote. For me. For myself.

Besides, I owe myself THAT MUCH to write. All those years, I shoved aside my right-brain creativity and all my feelings—growing up in an environment that praised logic, numbers, and data (and you can’t have feelings). Don’t get me wrong—I love math and science too, but it’s been so long since I activated my creative side. I forgot how much fun it could be.

And... talk about Feeling-Emotion. Baby, I owe myself THAT MUCH. I hated them for years. I’m an INFJ, so emotions have always been a big part of me. But these last 20 years or so, I kicked my feelings so hard that I despised them. I hated it. I hated it so much that I had to feel everything. I buried my emotions, shoved them aside, and tried to be numb. But this time, I’m apologizing to my feelings and spoiling them rotten. They deserve it. I deserve it. That’s why I’ve been saying, “I feel” instead of “I think” so often these past few weeks.

This project is my love letter to my buried creativity and feelings—the parts of me I abandoned but am now reclaiming. It’s fun, chaotic, and healing.

Back to Instagram content: this account will be a mishmash of everything I love—poems, stories, perfumes, movies, TV series, books, songs, and whatever else my mood demands. Mostly, I write on Tumblr first and then transfer it to other platforms.

Is it too long? See? I’m a natural writer and like to talk a lot 😊✌️ And I think I should change the name, but I don’t have any new ideas right now. Maybe later.

So, thank you for supporting me and being kind. I hope you enjoy my random projects as much as I do.

https://www.instagram.com/cobain.ini.yuk/