#shit guys

“You have to get this one Y/L/N!” Niall shouts in my ear. I stand across from the table with Niall, as we face off Harry and his other friend. “We’re almost there!”

“No pressure to get it into this singular cup that’s really far away from you!” Harry shouts, catching my eye with a laugh.

“You are so going down,” I say before bouncing the ball directly into the cup. What happened next I wasn’t sure as everyone collided into me, I was picked up, and there was a deafening cheering around me. Harry waited for me to be on my feet again before raising his eyebrow and knocking back the drink, maintaining eye contact. He was unfairly attractive.

Niall insists I had to celebrate with shots, and as I got progressively drunk, I agreed to the jello shots, and the three cups of beer, and the bottle of rose someone had procured. By the end of the night...well, I was lucky if I remembered anything aside from the mess that projected out of me at 3am.

“Just let it out,” I remember a voice saying beside me, rubbing my back and making sure my hair was out of my face.

“I’ll get you water,” the voice said as I moaned something. Seconds later, they were back. “It smells rank in here.”

“Sorry,” I tried to say.

The cool glass was heaven as I gulped it down. Squinting at the person towering over me, I spotted the sweaty curls before passing out.

Harry’s POV

“Who is she?” I ask Niall after the beer pong. He’s too busy finding napkins so I have to repeat myself.

“A friend from-hey is that wine? Did you buy this? Who brought wine?”

“Niall!” I bring his attention back to me while someone takes the bottle from him. “Y/N, does she have a boyfriend?”

“Y/N?” Niall laughs. “I don’t know if she’s the boyfriend type. But hey, I think Kelsey from your history class likes you. She asks about you all the time.”

“She thinks Nicholas Sparks is the greatest writer of our time,” I say deadpan.

Niall shrugs, his attention focusing elsewhere. “Opposites attract-hey! That room’s off limits!”

I sigh, this was useless. I’d just met the most beautiful woman ever, bold y/e/c eyes, lips painted a deep red, a smile that rivaled the sun, and a laugh that was downright infectious. She made me hyperaware of my own heartbeat as it tried to leap out of my chest. And Niall wasn’t giving me a single crumb on her.

Niall and I had been friends for as long as I could remember. I was the first person he approached about moving into a house of seniors that was emptying this year. Together, we were a pretty social pair. But between the two of us, I needed my time alone to recharge so although I spend the rest of the party with some friends, I head up early to my room as some party people begin to leave, knowing I would find some of them passed out tomorrow morning. But as I pass by the bathroom, the door isn’t completely closed and the sounds coming from inside concern me.

“Hello? Are-Y/N? Shit-“ I close the door behind me and take a step towards her. She doesn’t even register I was there so I kneel beside her and pull her hair back. “How much did you have to drink?”

“Nommuch,” she says into the toilet. The shirt she was wearing earlier is a ball on the floor, she’s only in her black bra and skirt, her skin slick with sweat.

“Just let it out,” I pat her back before deciding she needed water. When I come back, I make sure to open the window but the sound of glass on tile makes me turn around before I could open it entirely. Y/N lays passed out on the floor, Great.

“Y/N?” I say gently. She’s dead to the world as I prod her shoulder and she doesn’t even flinch. I guess I could put her in my bed, I think. But she looked a mess. I debate in my head and then decide to wet a towel and wipe her mouth except a lot of makeup comes off. So I get another towel and gently wipe most of her makeup off, and use another towel to clean her neck and shoulders before lifting her off the tiled floor. She actually stirs once I get her in my arms. I say her name again and she responds by resting her head on my chest.

Y/N is a warm and solid weight against me, her limbs dangling off my arm. As I carry her and put her down, she reaches out for a second before her arms fall onto the bed. My heart races-not just from carrying her; seeing her here. It was almost like I’d known her in this spot before, like I knew the second I lay eyes on her at this party that she would be in my life forever. Like she just felt right.

I look around at my closet which was mostly in the laundry hamper and figure Niall owed me this anyway so I pop into his room which was luckily empty and come back with a clean shirt. After pulling it over Y/N’s head and struggling with her arms through the sleeves, I grab an extra pillow and blanket and collapse on the floor, asleep faster than I could admit I think I’m in love.

Y/N’s POV

My first thought as I wake is that my mouth tasted disgusting. Like someone had stuffed it with rotting garbage and set it on fire. And my head was hosting it’s own edm festival which had no end in sight. Oh why did I drink that much?

Without opening my eyes, I turn in bed and tug the blanket higher up, the silk bedspread shifting me more than I intended. Except...I didn’t have a silk bedspread.

My eyes are crusted shut but when I manage to open them, I don’t recognize the room I’m in or remember putting myself in the shirt. The spot next to me is empty and I try hard to think about who I went to bed with last night but all I remember is the taste of jello shots which is enough to kickstart my nausea. I needed water and a pill.

“Oof,” my feet connect with a body as I swing my legs off the side of the bed and stand up.

“Motherfu-“ The rest is muffled as I land face first on the floor, getting a mouthful of carpet; I feel the breeze on my bum. “Shit!” The raging party in my head bangs against my skull as my nausea increases tenfold.

“Mouth like a sailor,” a deep voice mumbles and the amount of relief I feel when I see Niall’s friend is unprecedented.

“Oh Harry,” I sigh, squinting at him. “I’m so sorry I didn’t know you were-is this your room? Sorry did you sleep on the floor!”

I get up and tug the shirt down and it only barely makes it. Harry ruffles his hair and I watch as it bounces back.

“It’s alright,” he struggles to get up. “Just a sore back-no big deal.”

“Right...”

“I bet you’re feeling like shite?”

“Like a dumpster fire,” I rub my temples, my mind whirring a mile a minute which does nothing to improve my headache. “I’m really sorry you had to take care of me last night! Seriously, that’s really kind and I so owe you-“

“Chill out Y/N,” Harry chuckles. How did he look so normal after a night of drinking? “I’m alright, and I’m glad you’re alright. Honestly, I don’t think Niall would’ve let me live if he knew I left you with your face in the toilet.”

I physically cringe and Harry laughs at my reaction. He opens his bedside drawer and holds out a bottle to me.

“Let me take care of you a little longer?” Harry asks casually. I look at the painkillers he holds out to me and slowly move my gaze up to his face. Despite the teasing tone, his eyes wait for me to respond to what he’s asking between the lines.

“Only if I get to make it up to you.” It was too early for this but I never turned down an opportunity to flirt. Two could play at this game.

“Oh?” Harry asks, not bothering to hide the grin.

“I’ll buy you a drink or something?” I ask and Harry nods in agreement, our eyes locked for a brief moment before I feel the bile rise up again.

“Okay so. Now I really need to go,” I rush out of the room and luckily the bathroom is empty. I bump into Niall on my way out who looks confused and asks me why I was wearing his shirt whilst coming out of Harry’s room. I burn with embarrassment but go past him before I burst.

“This is Niall’s?” I ask Harry when I meet him in the kitchen after scrubbing the taste out of my mouth with toothpaste and mouthwash and a gallon of water.

“I had no clean clothes so...yeah. I haven’t found time to take my laundry down to residence.”

“I have a car,” I remember. “I could take you?”

"Really? Yes! Look Niall, your friend's so nice." Niall walks in and raises his eyebrow.

"Y/N's nice until she's trying to tutor you in chem. Then she’s scary." Niall says and one of his friends laughs in agreement.

"It was a simple concept!" I shout as I make my way back to Harry's room. I had to get back to my own place and shower. "You were just too distracted!"

"See?" I hear Niall say behind me. I ended up helping a lot of him and his friends out one night when they realised I had a knack for academics which is why I knew half of these guys.

In Harry's room, I pull my skirt over my shirt-not even bothering to find my old one. Niall would get the shirt back...eventually. I make sure to see Harry before I left, a quick hug and a promise to pick him up later today. And that's how the friendship began with us. He was always a gentleman unless he was drunk and trying to bother me. And he became the guy I texted deep into the night and vice versa. We because good friends fast, but it was hard to deny the attraction...

•••

New Year's was obviously going to happen at Niall's which had become the new party spot in the four weeks since he threw his first. Most of us went back home for Christmas, but there was also a lot of us back on campus for New Year’s--enough for a full house. And although I hadn't spent another night here, I knew every corner and hallway like the back of my hand.

"Is that my shirt?" Niall asks me when I walk into the party. It was, indeed his shirt. I'd tucked it into black skinny jeans under my bomber jacket.

"It's...our shirt," I pat him and give him a smile.

"Harry!" Niall shouts out to him across the room. "You owe me a bloody shirt!"

I laugh and join the kitchen for drinks. I track Harry down and we head to where everyone was dancing.

"I'm going to miss this year," Harry says as we dance.

I can't help my face when he says that, "Why? I can't wait for the new year!"

He fumbles with his sentence, "I moved into this house and met you."

I stop moving, "That's really cheesy."

"I know." Harry grins. "I wasn't sure whether I would say it or not."

"Aw," I tip toe to kiss his cheek and even then he has to lean down slightly. "I don't know how you go from sweet to annoying in one second."

"I'm amazing!" Harry shouts so loud people around us turn to look but upon seeing it's Harry, they don't question it.

"Everyone's staring!" I tug at his hand.

"You get embarrassed so easily!" Harry nudges me. "Let loose!"

"I do," I insist. "If you met me last year you would know how much I let loose."

"I met you a couple months ago and I saw what you let loose in the toilet-ow!" Harry cowers as I hit him to shut up. "This isn't what I meant!"

I shake my head and glare at him which only makes him laugh. When I go to finish the rest of my drink, he tips the bottom of the cup so it floods my mouth and down my chin.

"Harry!" I shout, ready to hurt him and he scrambles backwards as he laughs. "I am so-"

And with that he's rushing through the crowd and I'm rushing after him although he has the advantage of everyone moving aside for him, I have the advantage of spotting him above the crowd wherever he went.

I chase him to the back and then up the stairs, tossing my empty cup at him and grazing his head. When I make it up, I'm out of breath and I've lost him.

"Harry! Man up and step out right now!" I joke tease but my breath is suddenly knocked out of my lungs as someone-probably Harry-lifts me into the air and carries me to the railing. My legs dangle in the air before I call uncle.

"You win! You're taller--and that's not fair, but you win!" I shout. He pulls me back and puts me down, flushed and laughing.

I wanted to kiss him, I think without really thinking. With his hair mussed from our chase, and the perfect smile lighting up his face, and the alcohol in my system it's really hard not to want to. And there's a certain magic to tonight-New Year's! With Harry! The very tall, handsome, and incredibly kind guy I'd been crushing on since I laid eyes on him. And I'm pretty sure he felt the same way with the way his smile faltered as he looked me over too.

"You got beer on Niall's shirt," he says. Okay so maybe he wasn't looking at me like that. Maybe I was imagining things. But like he said-I have to let loose and put myself out there right?

"It hasn't been his shirt in a long time," I laugh, starting to walk backwards towards his room. "You know how you said I should put myself out there?"

"Yeah sure," Harry's smile falters but he takes the bait and walks towards me. The crowd downstairs begins to countdown from twenty and my heart races. "What about it-we should probably join the crowd downstairs."

I grab Harry's arms before he can turn to go. He feels warm beneath my hands and it's the contact that seals the deal. I was going to do this.

"Let's spend New Year's here," I try to allude to what I meant but Harry looks nervous and unsure. "Together." I add.

Harry scratches his head "Here here? Why?"

I sigh, annoyed that he could be so thick sometimes. "Harry do I have to do all the work? I'm trying to bloody kiss you on New Year's! Are you really-"

I hear the horn blasting just as Harry kisses me and there really are New Year's fireworks erupting in my body as Harry tucks me into him. When we pull apart, he takes one look at my face and laughs.

"You were playing stupid on purpose weren’t you?" I demand and Harry just laughs more. "You idiot! I was trying to be bold and kiss you on New Year's!"

Harry defends himself from my play punches. "I wanted to kiss you on New Year’s! That was the only way I could stall!"

"You owe me now," I cross my arms.

"Fine!" Harry throws his own arms up and I grin. In an instant I'm on my toes and kissing Harry, sass and all. He's slow to react but he leans down to make it easier on me and in one move he's told me to jump so that he's carrying me into his bedroom.

"Are we even," Harry asks as he lowers me onto the bed and continues kissing down my throat.

"Just about," I can't help but joke. Harry looks back at me and grins.

"What am I gonna do with you?" He says but it's a sentence brimming with affection.

"Whatever you want," I grab hold of his stubbled face and kiss him with everything I had to give.

Harry’s POV | 1.5 years later

Y/N grins at me from her spot on stage and I whoop louder as my girlfriend walks off stage with her degree. I was so proud and lucky to have her, I think, as she gives me a thumbs up just as my own name is called. Her eyes shine back at me with the same pride and love when I accept my degree. My heart races as I walk off stage and join her, walking hand in hand back to our seats. Our parents wave at us from the back and we wave back.

“I never thought this day would actually comes,” Y/N says into my ear as I crush her to me. We’d taken our pictures, allowed our parents to have their turns posing us, returned our gowns, and even promised Niall we would swing by his new flat for the after party. “It feels like a dream. But I’m glad we made it together.”

“Me too,” I pull her away and try to ignore the nervous waves wrecking my body. “I have a graduation present for you though.”

“Oh no my gift’s in my car!” Y/N glances over at the parking lot but I grab her hand to stop her. She looks down at my hand and back at me, curious. So I dig the small metal present out of my back pocket and hold the fist out to her. “Y/N, will you live with me?”

I hold out a key to the flat I signed under my name, getting the official only last week and bursting with excitement all week. Y/N and I talked about moving in after graduation but I always avoided the specifics of the topic, and she assumed she would be moving in to her childhood home until we found a place of our own. At the sight of the key, Y/N’s eyes are as wide as saucers and she covers her mouth which lets out a squeal.

“Harry!” She grabs the key to make sure it was real. “Are you serious! This is the best gift ever!” She throws her arms around me and I lift her up, spinning until we tumble over laughing.

“We’ve got our whole lives ahead of us,” I say as she holds the key up.

“Oh my god,” she hugs me again and I steady myself with a hand behind me so I don’t fall back. “We’ve graduated--we’re like proper adults now.”

“We’re starting a whole new chapter,” I muse.

“Together,” she looks up at me through her lashes and my chest expands with her pure joy. It scared me sometimes, how much I loved this woman.

She grabs my face between her hands and kisses me. I pull her closer, allowing us to fall back onto the grass. Her excitement was infectious and I couldn’t help be just as excited to start this new chapter together with the love of my life.

2.5 years later

“Can you believe it’s been 2 and a half years,” Harry asks at breakfast that day. It was a week before Christmas and Harry was leaving to celebrate at his family home. I was leaving for my own the day after. “It feels like we’ve always lived with each other.”

“With how often I spent at your place,” I laugh as Harry raises an eyebrow. “We’ve always sort of lived with each other.”

“Through the best and worst times,” Harry says thoughtfully.

“Jeez yeah let’s see,” I count on my fingers. “The time you were sick for two weeks straight and I attended my classes and yours, the time I almost failed that class and you helped me with my all-nighter studying-“

“The alcohol poisoning,” Harry pipes in.

“We don’t talk about that,” I say soberly.

“But we also had all those parties, climbing the roof for the sunrise, and remember spring break in our last year?”

I wrap my arms around Harry from behind and lay my face on his back. “How could I forget. We’ll have plenty of stories to tell our kids about everything we did together.”

“Maybe not everything,” Harry unlinks my fingers and turns to embrace me too. “We’ll keep some things out. Don’t want to traumatize the brats.”

I grin up at him and he kisses my forehead before hugging me tightly. I never thought of myself as a settle down kind of girl but it was like I just knew that’s what would happen when I saw Harry for the first time at Niall’s party. I knew I didn’t want anybody but him, the way I felt so familiar with him with just one look and the way he took care of me after drinking too much despite not knowing me well. He was going to be my forever. We talked about kids and marriage all the time, I knew he was it.

“When are you going out today?” I ask Harry. He was going for drinks with his manager and some industry people he wanted to introduce Harry to. “We should probably wrap your mum’s gifts before you go.”

“Much later,” Harry holds my hand. “Are you sure you don’t want to join me?”

“Nah,” I shrug. “I’ve got so much packing to do before I head back home tomorrow. You know how big my family is!”

Despite studying biology in college, Harry took a break from his post-grad job half a year ago to pursue his side hobby to see if he could make anything of it. Harry loved to sing, and he’d been writing lyrics for forever.  He’s only released one single, it got really popular on Youtube and a  record company approached him with a deal. He’s been networking and  attending meetings since, still waiting to sign an official contract. I supported him 100% when he wanted to take his break. Between our savings and my job we were making it by, and I wasn’t biased when I knew he had talent.

After having a lazy morning together, we get off our butts and finish up packing and wrapping. Harry kept getting distracted with wrapping and almost burnt lunch, we have an argument over the smoke detector, and a laughing fit over a funny message one of Harry’s friends accidentally sent to a group message. Harry gets ready and I watch him style his hair, enjoying the quiet moments between us as much as the busy chaotic ones. He catches my eye and we spend more time than we should making out so that Harry is running late to his outing. By the time he leaves, I finish wrapping until I have enough paper cuts to last for a lifetime. I run a bath at the end of the day and relax with a smile on my face. Life couldn’t get any better than this.

One Year Later

We were holding a New Year’s dinner party at our flat this year, inviting all the people we’d made over the last five years to celebrate our fifth anniversary. We had family, friends from uni, friends from our jobs--the media management company I worked at and a couple people from Harry’s. It was the most people we ever had in our flat.

It was the morning of and our friends were set to arrive around 7 or 8.

“Harry do you know when your friend with the helium is getting here?” I ask. I had so many things I still had to do before I could get ready and I was trying not to stress out. “And don’t forget to pick up the cake for tonight. And some more drinks! The bakery closes at 3!”

“He’ll get here soon,” Harry replies from the kitchen where he was trying to replace the bulb in the fridge. “This stupid thing is stuck...”

I leave Harry to figure the fridge out and decide to just get the cake instead. On my way back up, I see our mail had piled up so after putting the cake in the newly-lit fridge I pick up the mail and a heavy package.  

“Harry?” I ask after him. “Did you order something?”

Harry comes sliding out of the bedroom shirtless, reaching for the package quickly. He carries it to the coffee table and opens it like a child with a box of chocolates. But the contents inside look like a machine of some sort.

“I bought a fog machine for the party,” Harry grins.

“Harry,” I sigh. “We said we would stop buying useless junk. We’re trying to save to move out of this tiny flat and-”

“Yeah but imagine how awesome the party would be-“

“I have fog machines at work I could have borrowed!” I pinch the bridge of my nose to keep the frustration under control. Harry had a bad habit of buying expensive things that were only used a couple times before they were donated or shoved into the corner of the bedroom. It was fine when we were younger and they were double-digit amounts. But considering I was the only one out of the two of us with a proper paying job, and his toys were becoming obscure instruments and impulsive tattoos, it was hard pretending I was still okay with it  “You’ve got to stop buying so much bullshit.”

“It’s not bullshit!” Harry fiddles with the button. “You’re such a bummer, it’s fine Y/N. Everyone will love it.”

“How much was it?” I ask the dreaded question.

“It wasn’t much-“

“Harry.” I finally get him to look up at me. “We can’t afford that.”

Harry’s mood sours and he scoops it up into his arms. “Well I already bought it. I’m going to use it.”

It takes everything in me not to shout, I knew if I started we would be arguing for hours. At least that’s how it’s been feeling recently. With the stress and uncertainty of Harry’s career and my constant overtime to make sure we were making ends meet, I was surprised I hadn’t just collapsed already.

A year and a half ago when Harry wanted to try to pursue music, we were optimistic and supportive. It was a year since he released his first and only single that had done massively well and we had agreed to give it a year to see if it could become a full-time career. He was strung along by a couple record companies and while negotiating contracts, he wasn’t allowed to release any new music. That went on for a few months, every person he meant was overenthusiastic about his potential, showering him in fake promises. And when we hit the year mark he convinced me to give it another half a year. I’d conceded, seeing how excited he was.

Harry was finally signed to a company he wanted to work with and received a signing bonus. It felt lucky. But we should have known luck runs out. This official contract has locked him into actually putting music out, until the label gives him the green light. So all he’s been doing is creating and curating music, without actually releasing anything. That meant almost no income, and so I’d been forced to work a bunch to make up for it.

I supported Harry and his dreams, and I could see he was passionate about it. The frustrating thing was he wasn’t realistic about it. And with him denying the reality of our situation, and everything falling on my shoulders, it had become a tense household in the last few months. He was the love of my life, but I just wanted to strangle him sometimes.

“I’ll return it,” Harry comes into view 20 minutes later, as I work on rearranging the neglected bookshelf to look somewhat presentable. “It’s got a return policy...”

I’m a bit surprised he was waving the white flag. These days, it felt like Harry took out a lot of his frustration with the music industry at home. He was stubborn and pushy with me, in a way he never used to be. “Thank you.” I put the books down.

“We shouldn’t argue on our anniversary,” Harry scratches the back of his head. He comes to stand in front of me, glancing at the bookshelf and his attention snags on a photo of us for a second before he says, “It should be a rule.”

“Technically our anniversary is new year’s day,” I feel my shoulders relax. I was talking to the Harry I knew, not the New one this last year and a half had created. “But I think we already broke that rule on our second.”

“Really? What did we argue about?”

“I can’t remember,” I laugh, thinking back on our first anniversary post-grad. “I think it was because we agreed on no gifts because we were both pretty broke, but you bought me something anyway.”

“Oh yeah!” he chuckles. “I remember that, I bought you those earrings you saw on Noelle and couldn’t stop asking about-”

“They were expensive!” I say. “And I felt guilty because all I’d done was bake you dessert.”

“You baked me like 6 of my favourite desserts,” Harry corrects me, brushing my hair behind my ear. “That was pretty special.”

“Aw, I loved to bake,” I remember the sweet days when I had free time. Nowadays, free time was just time I could be working. “But look, I’m still wearing the earrings!”

“I know,” Harry tugs my right ear before cradling my cheek. I instinctively tilt my head up and he closes the gap, kissing me gently and then hard. God, I missed him, this sweet version of him. I pull him closer and in a matter of minutes our clothes are scattered on the floor I just vacuumed and we’re breathing hard into each other on the couch. In a heartbeat, Harry rolls off of me and settles down in the narrow space beside me as we catch out breath. I wait for him to kiss my temple, something he does after every time together but he lets out a big breath instead and hops over me to pull on his clothes. He takes out his phone and checks the time. “I should go pick up those drinks you mentioned.”

“Okay,” I quickly grab the closest item of clothing and cover myself, feeling exposed even though I’d been naked in every room in this flat before. I’m trying to figure out why I felt more awful right now than the argument we had this morning. I try to fix why I was suddenly feeling such despair, like I was drowning with nobody around to help. I reach around my back to put my bra back on, and stare hard at Harry.

I watch him pull his shirt on, before turning back to where I sit. He leans down and gives me a quick kiss on the top of my head and I try not to flinch.

I watch him leave. I splash my face with cold water, forcing myself out of the funk before going back to slowly cleaning the bookshelf. The more I press at the feeling, the more I realize it wasn’t the first time I felt this big shift between us, that felt irreparable. Maybe not so intensely, but in some way, I was feeling alone. It was difficult to understand.

But pretty soon, I’m far from alone, as our friends and family fill our small two-bedroom flat. It reminds me of the parties I used to go to in uni--god even that feels like a lifetime ago even though it was only 3 years ago. I’d even worn the red lipstick that was my signature lip back in college. It filled my heart being with all these people we loved.

For dinner, we’d brought in a collapsible table to extend our own dining table into the living room. Our friends lingered around with drinks and appetizers as I make sure I’d turned the oven off.

“Where’s my favourite couple?” Niall walks up to me as soon as he walks in. I glance beside me and realize Harry was no longer there. I’d been so occupied with keeping everything warm that I missed him walking away. “Or...half of the couple.”

I hug Niall, and briefly wonder if Harry talked to him about us. If Niall knew the rough patch we’d been going through recently.

“Thanks for coming,” I gesture to the drinks. “Can I get you something?”

“I can do that,” Niall reaches over me to find what he wants and we make small talk as he pours. He asks me about work, same old. I ask him about his new job, it was great. We look out into the crowd for Harry and his head sticks out above the crowd near the TV. I look at Niall but his eyes are on someone just entering. My sister.

“She’s off limits,” I tell him, knowing the look on his face.

“Do you know her?” He asks. “Who is she?”

“She,” I say clearly. “Is my sister.”

“And you’ve never made the introduction?” he jokes. “I’m joking. She looks nothing like you.”

“Thanks,” I roll my eyes. We were half-sisters but I didn’t want to go into details right now. I had a Harry to call over and a table to set. “Doesn’t make her any less off-limits.”

He promises to behave and I leave him to head towards Harry, greeting my friends along the way.

“Harry can you believe Niall just tried to-” I stop mid-sentence as I notice the strangers standing around Harry. Well, mostly strangers, I do recognize his manager who I didn’t like very much. Or, he didn’t like me and in turn I didn’t like him.

“Hey,” Harry looks to me. “Niall made it?”

“Yeah,” I glance from the women surrounding him and back to him but he makes no introductions. “Hi, I’m Y/N.”

“Oh yeah,” Harry jumps into action. “Ladies this is my girlfriend Y/N, Y/N these are some of the ladies from the record and you know Finn.”

“Y/N,” Finn says over his drink. Ugh, what a sleazeball. I hated that Harry wanted to invite him tonight.

The women smile and wave and I ask to speak to Harry alone. I get him in a corner and grill him, “You didn’t tell me random people from your work were showing.”

“Well we’re inviting friends,” he glances back at them.

“Yeah, our friends to celebrate our anniversary.” I clarify. “Not only did you not tell me, I don’t know them!” And they were all dead-drop gorgeous, I think. And you didn’t introduce me, I can’t help but add on mentally.

“Y/N,” Harry puts a hand on my shoulder. “It’s not that serious! The more the merrier right?”

“We’re having a dinner party,” I remind him. “With specific seat count.”

“Don’t be so uptight,” he rolls his eyes and there it is, the Harry he’s grown into this last year and a half. I hated this side of him. “Just fucking relax a little love, it might help to take some deep breaths?”

“Don’t fucking patronize me,” I hiss. “I planned for a certain amount of people, you’re adding on three more it makes a difference when we live in a small ass flat-”

“I’m not listening to this,” Harry’s eyes flash in anger and I want to cry, he never listened and I never felt heard. “We’ve got guests, we’re not doing this here.”

“Forget it,” I take a deep breath and try to control my temper. “Just help me set the bloody table.”

He clenches his jaw and walks ahead of me, helping to put the spread out. I have to find an extra chair to make room for Harry’s guests. It was a good thing a few of our friends couldn’t make it last minute tonight otherwise we wouldn’t have had the room at all.

Dinner is lively and delicious, everyone sends compliments to the chef and I happily take them. We talk over each other and around each other as conversations break off. Harry excitedly brings out the cake once we clear the dishes and we pour more drinks as the New Year ticks closer. Some of the guests break off to the couch but most of us stay seated around the table.

My sister sits beside me and I kick Niall under the table the flirtier he gets, but she seems to find him charming and eventually my attention turns to Harry when I try to fill him in on the romance blooming beside me. But he seems to be hosting his own dinner party at the end of the table where Finn and the women from his label sits.

I watch him, he was a very charming man and I usually found that very attractive but it feels over-the-top tonight. He leans down between Finn and one of the women, his hand draped on the backs of their chairs. He talks kindly, laughing at what they say and joking with the small group. One of the women touch his hand as they laugh at something he says, and he winks at her. My stomach turns, I feel sick watching this charade Harry puts on. I compare it to the man who comes to bed most nights, charged with frustration and a stubborn pride that pushes me out to shore. The version of Harry I see before me, is a Harry I hadn’t experienced in almost 2 years.

“Y/N?” My sister calling my name snaps my attention back. “Niall said he’s the reason we’re all here tonight? Is that true?”

“What?” I look at Niall who waits for me to confirm. It takes me a second to catch up after the whole emotional episode I’d just engaged in whilst watching Harry. “Oh yeah, I guess. Harry and I met at his party. Well, Harry lived in the same house as him so I’m sure we would have met eventually-”

“No but I set that game up and we faced off against Harry which is how you two met!” Niall argues.

“Fine,” I wasn’t in the mood for this. “You are the reason Niall.”

He leans back, content but he scrutinizes my face. He could tell something was bothering me. My sister excuses herself to use the toilet, and Niall glances over at Harry; I watch his face hardens as he realizes what. I was glad I wasn’t the only one who noticed.

“Harry’s a busy bee tonight,” Niall comments. There’s layers to his words.

“A busy bee amongst flowers,” I say bitterly. Niall continues to stare at Harry while I pour myself more wine. 

Our guests eventually get up and some try to help clear the table but I push everything to one counter and a few of our friends help us fold the table to make room. We get music going and everyone relaxes as the night heads into the new year. Into Harry and mine’s anniversary.

When the New Year countdown begins I desperately look for Harry so we can have our anniversary tradition, in this last year of extreme uncertainty I was desperate to hold onto it.

I rush through the bedroom and back up the hall to the living room, but no Harry. The countdown increases my anxiety. It was stupid but not meeting him at midnight felt like a bad omen--like everything that was driving us apart in the last year was going to be confirmed.

I finally spot him through the window, the last place I look--he’s on the balcony with Finn and one of the women. They’re smoking outside, so the door stays shut to keep the cold out--he must know we were nearing midnight. He had to feel it in the air, right? This was our moment.

And in a split second, the crowd has counted down to one and everyone is cheering for the New Year. I freeze in place, stunned, as friends kiss their partners and others cheer out. Fireworks go off outside and I watch through the window from where I stand on the opposite side of the room  as Harry’s head jerks up, looking out to the bright sparks in the sky. He excuses himself and turns towards the door, his hand coming out to the handle when he looks up and meets my eyes across the crowd. It hits me, and his expression looks the same, we hadn’t made it in time. Somehow it feels like the final nail on the coffin. I felt sick.

Harry looks out to me, his brow lowered, opening his mouth before deflating. He looked like a man accepting something with regret. Still, he mouths a Happy New Year to me from across the room. He doesn’t make a move as I turn away. I push my way to the bedroom and sit on the bed, no tears come. Neither does Harry. The rubber band that had kept us together was stretched out, and tonight it felt like it finally snapped. I feel the sting of it. I collect my breath, and like a good host I go back out, finish off the party and say goodnight to our friends and family. Harry and I clean up in silence, neither of us daring to break it.

As we ready for bed, I’m exhausted. In the darkness I hear Harry shift around towards me but my back is to him.

“Happy anniversary,” he whispers to me. I don’t say anything back, I didn’t know if I could. There was nothing happy about today and it felt far from an anniversary. I wait for him to turn back around, my tears streaming silently onto my pillow.

***

The next month is awkward and tense at first, as we ignore the elephant in the room. Harry continues to work at his career and I continue to try and support the both of us. On a particularly tough day, right at the end of January, the elephant in the room is blown up in a brutal fight.

I get home late, it’s quarter to 8 by the time I drag my tired body into the flat and collapse onto a dining room chair. I’d been up since 6 that morning, I felt stale and tired and hungry. I scan the kitchen from where I sit but it looks almost the same as when I left this morning. Even though my body protests, I check the fridge for leftovers but there’s hardly enough groceries to even make a dinner.

I take off my heels and walk over to the spare bedroom. It used to be a guest bedroom and office but Harry turned it into his studio last summer.

“Harry?” I tilt the door that’s already ajar. He’s scratching words on a notebook and holding down random keys on his keyboard. I say his name again, he had headphones on, and finally he hears me.

“Hey sorry I couldn’t hear you,” he pulls the headphones down to his neck. “Did you say something? Oh is dinner ready?”

I’m stumped. Did he not know I’d just gotten home? That it was 8pm? “Dinner?” I ask, dazed.

“Yeah, what--oh wow is that the time? Shit I’ve been here since noon...what’s wrong?”

He asks me what’s wrong but I hear the edge in his voice, like he’d rather not be bothered if something was actually wrong.

“I just got home from work,” my voice strains trying to sound neutral.

“Oh,” he looks down at my outfit, only then registering it. “Right. Well you’re in late-”

“I just got home...from a long day of work,” I can’t help it. I felt crazy. “I’ve been up since 6 Harry. I’ve been at the office since 8. There were line closures today so it took me twice the amount of time to get home. It’s 8 bloody pm and you haven’t made any dinner, not even ordered any takeout? You haven’t even noticed I’ve not been home?”

The New Harry descends in an instant. He draws up to his full height. “I can order takeout right now if you want, it’s only going to take 15 minutes. You’ve just got to ask.”

I laugh, but I did not find a single thing out of his mouth funny. “I just have to ask. I just have to ask. Are you fucking joking?”

“Am I-” his voice booms. “Do you think just because I’m home all day I’m not doing anything? I’ve been working just as hard as you are Y/N! I’m not twiddling my thumbs here and making sure dinner’s ready for when you’re back-”

“Making sure there’s something for dinner is the least you can do. Oh my god Harry when did you become so selfish?”

“And when did you become such a nagging bitch?” his words are dripping with acid. I can tell from the way he enunciates every word with a step that he was ready to fight all night. All of our unspoken words from New Year’s was becoming too big for this stupid tiny flat.

“If I was a nagging bitch,” I bite back. “I would remind you about every fucking hour I work just to support us. I would break down how little you’ve contributed to this relationship for the last year!”

“You agreed to let me do this!” Harry shouts. “You said you would support me!”

“I do support you!” I shout. “And I agreed a year and a half ago! I saw your passion, but we also had a backup plan! You would get a part time job if it didn’t pan out in a year! It’s led to fucking nowhere! You sit at home and buy all these expensive instruments and toys and make music that your label never takes seriously! They’re bleeding you dry and you’re kissing their arses in gratitude!”

“There is a plan!” It’s like he doesn’t even hear me. “We had a plan! It’s still happening! I’m releasing music this year and I’m making money while I’m doing it! If money’s got you that wound up why the fuck are you here still supporting me?”

“Well I ask myself the same questions most nights,” I say. It slips out. Harry stands back, looking at me with daggers that pierce right through my heart.

“You want to know something-”

“No I really don’t,” I back out of the room. I wanted to cry, and maybe eat, and sleep. I didn’t want to hear anything but he continues to talk over my voice.

“You tell me you support me, that you love me, you want me to go after my dreams. Then you complain when it takes time. You’ve got two faces, and both of them are looking really ugly.”

“How can you say that?” how could he not see everything I’ve sacrificed so he could pursue his passions? “All I’m asking for is a bit of recognition that I’m working hard! I’m trying my best here! You don’t even have to say anything just-just some dinner to come home to would be nice I-” my breath catches and I’m crying. And I hate it because I don’t want Harry to see me cry, because it breaks my heart when he just looks at me like my tears meant nothing.

“You’re just not the same person anymore Y/N,” Harry shrugs.

“I’m-” I couldn’t even finish my sentence. I take a breath, “You’re the one who’s different! I don’t even fucking recognize you most days! You used to be sweet and caring and you’re just a stuck-up arse now.”

“Wow,” he snorts. “I don’t know what the fuck happened to you-and Y/N, I don’t even know if I like you anymore.”

The air leaves my lungs. The way he’s looking at me, like I meant nothing to him, god it fucking hurts.

“Then what the fuck are we still doing together?” I finally ask the question, the elephant in the room. Didn’t he see all the things I did for him out of love?

He shrugs, so nonchalantly. “I guess we’re just two ghosts swimming in a glass half empty.”

“Wha-what the fuck does that even mean?” I was so over his poetic bullshit.

“I don’t know what the fuck you want me to say!”

“Do you not see I-” I give it one last attempt. Trying to make him see what I was going through. “We barely see each other, because we’re so busy. I support you by trying to make sure I can provide for this dream you’re pursuing! I don’t mind because I-I believe you’re going to do something amazing Harry! But I just want you to see what I’m going through.”

“That’s really fucking low if you’re trying to make me feel guilty about trying to go after my dreams,” he takes my words the wrong way and it’s too much for me to handle.

“Oh my god I’m not-”

“Like I said, I don’t know who the fuck you want me to be! You have these expectations of me to be someone I’m not! I’m not this dream guy Y/N! I’m just me! And all I want you to be is supportive, even that night at our party it was so embarrassing how you were so rude to my guests even Finn said-”

“Oh Finn said? Finn, the guy who cares so much about you?”

“Yeah! He told me you always make him feel unwelcome which is why-”

“Finn doesn’t care about you! Or your bloody happiness! You’re the cash cow he’s trying to fatten so he can milk you of everything you got! It was embarrassing for me that you invited people without even telling me-”

“It’s my party too I could invite whoever I want!”

“That’s not the point!” I shout.

“Then what is? What’s the fucking point of this?” He bangs his fist down on the table and his bottle goes crashing to the floor. The noise rings out in the cold silence. “I don’t want this anymore! I don’t want to fight, I don’t want to feel like I’m failing at trying to be the man you think I am! I don’t want you Y/N, I am over. I’m fucking done with this, I don’t want to see you, or hear you talk about how tired you are or how disappointed you are. Just--I’m going. I can’t do this! I want nothing to do with this anymore, with you. I-I’m just done...”