WFH @writingsfromhome - Tumblr Blog

TST III

A/N: soooo here’s pt 3. tumblr’s word limit kinda cut this off in a weird place so sorry about that. going to try to get part 4 out asap though! You guys will need to put up w the the continued cliffhanger and minor angst 👀

Parts: 1 / 2 / 3 / 3.5 / 4

Word Count: ~22k

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“No trust me honey I don’t mind.” Mum says in my ear. I cross and uncross my legs whilst sat on the train. “We just thought you were staying longer.”

“I was.” I reply for the tenth time. It was supposed to be Juni, Rhia, and I in London for 3 weeks but then Juni dropped out because her boyfriend had invited her to join his family on some Greece trip. Then it was Rhia and me but plans fells fully through when Rhia found out she failed one of her courses and decided to redo the thing during summer.

So not only was I heading back to my hometown for the entire summer after living away from home my first year of uni, but I was doing it with no friends (for the most part) and no family because mum and dad were still in Singapore or Shanghai or something starting with an S. And Nan of course was no longer around the bend. (She was in Florida with friends for a couple months too—really living the retired widow life).

“…and that’s the absolute earliest. I told your dad but he’s been nonstop in meetings it’s like he doesn’t care and there’s probably no food and-“

“Mum,” I cut off her guilt-fuelled rant. “I’ve got Uber and I’ve got my keys. I’ll be fine at home until you two come back. It’s just 2 weeks! You been away for longer than that.”

She sighs. “I don’t like this. Call me as soon as you get in the door. And if you need me to come back sooner let me know immediately. I will find the next flight.”

“I appreciate that.” I watch the final stragglers make it to the train after last call. Once it closes and the announcements come on I tell mum I’d talk to her later.

This summer was going to be a bust…just perfect, I think as the train lurches forward. My stomach lurches with it.

***

4 hours later and I’m rolling my suitcase up the driveway of home. But home had become a strange word as of late. Because home was always here but also a few streets away at Nan’s. If I were to drive by there now I would find a stranger’s family calling it home. Home had also become my dorm room I shared with my roommate Heather. And yet when I thought of home I also thought of my Nan in the small bungalow I lived in last summer.

Home for now did need airing out. I want to collapse into my bed but instead I walk around opening windows. Luckily I’d done a shop on my phone so I find the keys and go to pick it up. As I drive through the familiar streets of my hometown I can’t help but compare myself to the girl I was the last time I was here.

It had been a whole year because we’d done the holidays with Nan and her sister in Scotland. It was a fun affair and the first time I’d seen my whole family around the table smile at the same time. It made me miss grandpa, wishful that he could have seen it.

First year had expanded the boundaries of my comfort zone. And I finally felt like I could step fresh into a new chapter of my life and really embrace it but being back here feels like a child slamming two of her dolls together trying to get them to kiss.

As I go to pick up the groceries I already spot 3 different people that I knew and instinctively avoid. This was going to be a pain. There were several people I really didn’t want to run into this summer.

Are you going to lock yourself away the whole 3 months? I ask myself. And I know I was going to have to see and talk to old faces soon enough. This town was too small to avoid that.

Plus, it went against the jump head first motto I’d adapted my first year.

Maybe that’s how I get both parts of my life to kiss, I think with a smile as I stuff my groceries into the back of my car. I dive in and embraced whatever I faced like it was no big deal.

***

One week later and I’m bored out of my skull.

Normally I’d have school or company—even Nan. But the whole week I’ve been sat at home catching up on telly and feeding myself. It’s now gotten to the point where any movie I put on I zoned out after ten minutes and I didn’t even want to get out of bed.

Maybe I should call mum to come home early.

Or maybe I could do something productive. Like paint my room and clear it of some of my school leftovers. Or maybe I could get a job, something low key like walking dogs. Did people still need dog walkers?

I sink further into my bed. It was desperate times when I considered living alone with mum. Because I know as soon as they came back home I’d want to be outside and away as much as possible.

Maybe a job was the better option.

I decide to walk to the local high street to see what sort of jobs were available. Rhia calls me while I walk and we both commiserate about how bored we were and how it was far too nice out to be so bored.

“Wish I was there,” she moans. “I seriously hate myself for having to be here another like, 2 months.”

“I know,” I agree but try not to add on to the guilt Rhia was feeling. “We’ll have August though.”

“Ish. And when’s Juni back?”

“Who knows. We’ve barely talked she’s in blissful boyfriend land. I don’t even blame her.”

We chatter about vacations and dating and then Rhia leaves as I poke my head into a cafe. They’re not hiring but they give me a pamphlet for a volunteering thing. I’d consider it.

I’m so desperate after going from shop to shop that I even check in the hardware store. The man behind the counter actually eyes my hair which only had a green satin scrunchie in and tells me they weren’t hiring. I consider fighting him on the sign I saw on a bulletin poster but by then I’m spent.

I end up back at the cafe on the way home and slump into a seat with an iced coffee and a headache. It was noon and the sun that I was blessing earlier was getting to be too much.

I scroll through my phone for a bit but can’t help notice one of the guys behind the counter looking at me every so often. When I do catch him looking he looks away quickly.

He looked familiar, I’m sure we went to school together but I wouldn’t know his name.

That’s what I was realizing this summer. I don’t think I socialized enough in school because I knew a lot of these faces I just couldn’t recall names. Or maybe I was bad at names.

When he’s wiping down a few tables nearby I throw him a smile. If I did know him I didn’t want to be rude. This seems to thaw the ice enough he smiles and comes over.

“Hey YN right?”

“Yeah!” I can hear my voice going high, unsure where this would go.

“Uh Ray-“

“Right Ray yes,” I nod.

“You don’t know me do you?” He laughs.

“I’m sorry,” I squeeze my eyes shut. “I’m really bad at remembering people!”

“Nah it’s alright,” he takes the seat across from me. “We didn’t actually go to school but I have a lot of friends who went there. I was on the east end.”

“Ah,” okay thank god I wasn’t this bad. “Our frenemies.”

“Exactly,” he grins. He had braces on but he was otherwise older looking than his 18 or 19. “So you home for the summer?”

“Yeah and bored out of my mind.” I confess. “It’s been a week I’m kinda scared what the rest of the summer’s gonna be like.”

He laughs, “I took a gap year. Thought it was gonna be the best year of my life—I just got depressed and no money. Now I have a job.”

“Oh my god,” I laugh. “That would be the only reason I wouldn’t do a gap year. And I’m now looking for a job so I don’t lose my mind, but…no luck here or anywhere!”

“Yeah they actually overhired for the summer cuz of all the tourists and now they’re cutting people’s shifts.”

“That sucks.”

He shrugs, getting up to go again. I feel lame when I want to ask him to stay. I just needed human connection. “Yeah I’ve been here long enough so I’m okay. Do you have a car?”

“Yeah?”

“Try the mall today. My cousin works at the cinema I can tell her to hook you up if they have anything. I think you went to school with her actually? She works first shift.”

“Oh yeah thanks uh that-“ I’m cut off by someone at the counter calling his name.

“I’ll text her.” Ray tells me. “Nice talk YN.”

I wave him off and feel rejuvenated. I would take the job selling popcorn if it gave me something to do.

***

The cousin Ray spoke of was Dana. When I realize this it’s too late. I’ve already walked confidently up to the counter and spotted her.

She smiles, a bit hesitant, and waves me to the side, I pray she doesn’t ask anything about all the sensitive topics I’ve shoved into a corner of my brain. And I luck out again, she’s perfectly professional.

“Hey!”

“Hey Dana.” At least I remembered her name. Well, actually I only know it because she requested to follow me on Instagram last summer and we’ve been liking each other’s things since. She was nice. “Small world.”

Dana still had the same bangs except her hair was a lot shorter and she had pierced her nose. “My cousin told me about the job thing? Unfortunately you do have to go through the interview process-“

“That’s alright.” I reassure her. “I don’t want to like have anyone pull any favors. If I can just get a job and get like 2 shifts I’d be happy.”

She snorts, “We’re constantly understaffed and the school and tourist rush is going to bust our tits up so you’ll definitely have more than 2 shifts. But I’ll vouch for you. I mean, why wouldn’t they hire school valedictorian.”

“Ha,” I feel strange her saying that. Because you’d think school valedictorian would not be working handing popcorn at the cinema yet here I was. Oh god would people I run into think that? That I burned out and am working at our local cinema?

“I hope you get in. It’s fun—well it’s chaotic but everyone working here is really fun to get along with. And you can also apply to the Starbucks inside I heard they’re hiring too.”

“Yeah!? Thanks!” I would not be applying there. I was rethinking this applying thing.

Maybe I should have done an internship that some of my uni friends were doing. I just didn’t because I still hadn’t settled on my focus and I was supposed to be having fun with my best friends this summer. Now it was all upside down.

Dana hands me the form and tells me I could fill it out off to the side or take it home. If I took it home I knew it would never make its way back, and when I took a breath I knew that being home with mum and dad all summer would actually break me.

So I fill it out. What was the worst that could happen.

***

“Will you be home for dinner?” Mum shouts out when she hears the car keys.

“Probably?” I step through into the kitchen where she’s reading. “My shift ends at 6.”

“Okay,” she takes her glasses off and studies me for a second.

It had been one week since they’ve been home and I’m so glad I had thought ahead and gotten this job.

So far both of my parents have tried to crowd me and ask me about my life as if we didn’t talk every week. Then they tried to plan a guilt-trip—literally a trip because they felt guilty for leaving me stranded. I reminded them I was already spending a week in July with Nan and they would be away for most of August again. We’d settled on a family dinner and day trip to the sea next month.

“Are you sure you want to keep working there?” She asks. “If you need money your dad can help.”

“Mum I already explained it wasn’t the money.”

It was the first time I was making my own money and even though it wasn’t a lot it was quite freeing. I thought of Nan who always told me financial independence for a woman meant more than it did for a man. And even though I wasn’t about to build a life on my £200 it was nice to spend knowing I earned it. Nan had been so happy when I told her.

But more than that, I’d officially been at the job a week—most of it was training but Dana had been right; it was a fun group of people and even though I had to suck it up and deal with all kinds of customers it was a new experience that was teaching me a lot about myself.

“Well why are you working at a cinema then?”

“It’s just…something to do! I’ve never worked a proper job before and it gives me something to do and I’m making friends there. It’s good for my social skills?”

That seems to satisfy her for now. She shrugs and picks her book up again, “Well if that’s what we’re getting jobs for. Make sure you text me if you’re gonna be late.”

I make it to work on time and clock in. I’d officially been cleared from shadowing this week and of course my first shift’s in concession. But I take it with a smile.

“Don’t let the mum and dads bully you,” Dana warns me when I bump into her on the way through. “Those crying kids fuck their heads up and then they try to fuck ours up.”

“Noted,” I was realizing Dana was kind but with a sailor’s mouth. It’s sad we never hung out in high school. “Anything else?”

“No. But if you want to wait ‘til 9 or come back a few of us hang out sometimes. We swap our worst customer stories over a pint and chips.”

That sounded like fun but I remember my mum’s distaste for my job and being home for dinner so I figure I shouldn’t push it. “Maybe next time? I have a thing at home.”

“Yeah,” she nods. “Catch us next time!”

The first couple hours are slow—not a lot of people came to the cinemas until later in the afternoon. But still I continue to serve snacks like a pro and only mess up a couple times on sizing. For my first shift alone, I call it a win.

***

It’s the beginning of the evening rush a few days later and I’ve decided this is the worst shift to work. But I promised Dana I’d cover it for her even though I’d only done one evening shift and that was while I was training. In return I had tomorrow off. Now I’m not so sure it was a good trade off.

“No we wanted the large see,” a frazzled mum points for the third time at the large popcorn in front of her. “This isn’t large. I came here last month this is not a large.”

The line behind her grows even though another register is open. I tell her I could show her the 3 sizes so she can see for herself through a forced smile that makes my cheeks hurt.

“No I want you to admit this isn’t a large. How are all three kids going to share this. It’s barely enough for myself!”

I take a look at her kids—one sits on her hip probably the most likely to choke on the popcorn. The other is shouting into the face of the eldest, probably about 5. Somehow I know the only way her three kids would finish this size is if they spilt it all over the floor.

“If you want separate bags I can give them but I’m afraid that’s our largest size at the time. Can I help you with anything else?”

She sighs and I feel her frustration. “I can’t believe the money I’m spending and they just shrink it down and expect you to believe it’s a large because they’re trying to brainwash you with the frequencies in those speakers! Honest to god I don’t know what I’m doing here! Let’s go kids.”

I try not to look so shocked at her spiel but it’s hard not to. She was here by choice, what did she want me to do?

“Now I came here last week and I don’t remember them hiring girls like you.”

My ears register him first, then my eyes slide from the woman walking away with her kids, to his face. Those deeply knowing green eyes.

“I’m new,” I hope my face doesn’t give away the fact that my stomach wants to empty anything it ate in the last 24 hours and my heart is beating so fast I’m pretty sure it’s on whatever frequency that woman was talking about.

“Yeah I know I’ll go easy on you don’t worry.”

There’s a few seconds of just staring at each other, soaking each other in. He looks the same of course—slightly less boyish but the exact same infuriatingly beautiful face. I’m suddenly self conscious of what he sees staring back at him.

I always knew I’d see him again but not in this ugly polo tee and my hair a right mess from the rain I was accidentally caught in in the parking lot.

After our inspection’s up both of our faces relax into a smile.

“YN.”

“Harry. What can I get you?” I watch his eyes glint with a cheeky response so I clarify. “From the menu.”

He grins. “2 medium drinks and large popcorn. And some m&ms.”

I ring him up, kind of in disbelief this is happening. While I’m working at the bloody cinema. And I’m supposed to be blase and indifferent but I can’t stop stealing glances like a clown.

The things happening inside of me are so loud I wouldn’t be surprised if everyone around me started staring at me. It wasn’t fair he got the element of surprise after probably choosing my line to stand in.

I want to stare at him, figure out all the ways he might be different or the same like one of those spot 7 differences we used to play in the back of magazines. I wonder if he still found the same things funny, if he thought uni suited him or not, if he feels grown up living so far from home, if he’s met anyone or he still plays the field, if he still feels the same way about me.

You’re different. You make me feel different.

It’s no surprise that amongst every emotion that’s zipping through me when I look at him, the one that stands out is how it still aches.

Because after a year away, after space and digesting my whirlwind of a year—having independence and going on dates and making new friends and realizing grief worked the same way as motivation in that you woke up with varying levels every day but it stayed with you no matter the time in between. Well…I really believed Harry and I could have been something.

Maybe it was right person wrong time, or right people wrong attachment style. Whatever it was I had to suffocate the notion that there could ever be anything romantic about us. We just kept hurting each other in the end. And I was tired of hurting.

He brushes my hand as I hand him his stuff.

“Enjoy your movie,” I give him my fake customer smile. He raises a brow.

“I will now.”

I manage to hold the pokerface until he’s passed the line and gone back to wherever he came from. But I’m absentminded with the next customer as I watch him go up to a pretty brunette and hand her the popcorn. She laughs at something he says and they walk to their movie.

I’ll never stop wanting you.

We were just a moment. A moment that would never be a period or a lifetime. I knew that and yet I couldn’t deny the warmth flooding my body when we spoke or when his hands brushed mine. I thought I was over him and all this drama but damn he had cast a spell on me.

Harry’s POV:

I was stood in line when my eyes flicked over the crowd and landed on her—I wasn’t ready for it. It felt familiar; an ache that tore me right through yet knew how to patch me back up. She looked different, or maybe it’s just the way she’s angled. And I swear I forgot to take a breath in. Or out.

She goes through customers until I’m at the front of the line. She still doesn’t notice, and I’m a little bummed that her eyes don’t draw to mine in a way that I think mine would to her. In any space.

A whole year since I saw her last but I feel like that same kid that fucked up all over again. I try my hardest not to spiral into the feeling.

It’s easy to do as I focus instead on the woman in front of me with her 3 kids. I’m pretty sure they’ve had a bucket of sugar. She gives her a hard time but I won’t ever forget the shock that ripples over her face once I do go up, deliver the line I’d been practicing for the last 10 minutes, watch her face soften into something between pleased and intrigue.

A part of me thought she would clock me in the face as soon as she got over the initial shock. I’m wholly surprised by the warmth that still lingers as she entertains me. There’s something about our old magic still here that I thought died that day in the hallway.

I don’t know why I do it but I continue showing up to the theatre. I just want to see her, make sure she’s real. I don’t think this is a second chance for me or anything—I’m still young. This is summer between uni years it’s literally a state of limbo.

But I want to see her. Make sure she doesn’t hate me. She’s not always in, I don’t always get to talk to her. Sometimes I pretend I don’t see her especially if I’m going with my sister who finds it suspicious I’m watching so many movies but is happy to come if I buy her ticket.

I catch her watching me sometimes too. I hate ignoring her but I feel like I have to. I don’t want her to know how desperately I still want her approval.

Usually when we catch each other’s eye she’ll throw me a smile before going back to what she’s doing. Sometimes I wave. Usually Dana is glaring at me when she’s nearby. I try to wave at her too but it does nothing to warm her up.

I’d texted Dana after that first day asking her why she hadn’t told me YN was working at the cinemas with her. It was deliberate—Dana knew our history better than anyone and she knew I’d want to know this info.

Dana had told me she didn’t want to be complicit in my harassment and then proceeded to go cold on me. She was still mad at me about her birthday thing. I dunno when she was going to get over it.

When I talk to YN in line I try to coax a laugh or a smile out of her. I succeed most times. Unless I’m with Gemma or other friends.

I wasn’t embarrassed to be seen around her, I just know if they caught on it would become a Thing and if it did then it would become serious. And even though what I felt about her would always have an aura of serious that felt too real for me, I didn’t actually want it to become serious.

I don’t think I did.

I think for those first couple weeks I don’t know what I’m doing but I become a little fixated.

A lot fixated.

Today, I look for her after the movie but she’s not behind any counter. That was okay though, I knew she would be here regularly—no thanks to someone I knew.

“What are you looking for?” Gemma asks.

“Nothing,” I lie.

“Don’t tell me you’re back in town for a couple weeks and already looking for your next victim.”

“I’m not! Why do you have to jump to conclusions.”

“It’s not jumping when you’ve landed on that conclusion for most of your life!”

“I’ve changed,” I insist.

She snorts. “Right. You think dating girls before sleeping with them means you’ve changed now? It’s the same thing but now you’re just buying them dinner and giving ‘em false hope.”

“Do you ever shut up?” I glare as we get to her car.

“Do you ever grow up?” She replies.

She didn’t know what she was on about. Everyone liked to give their opinions on me and it annoyed me to no end. I had changed, I had been working on myself all year. And I’d prove it.

***Your POV:

I don’t expect to see him so much while I work but he watches a lot of movies.

We don’t always talk—sometimes he’s very cool towards me and I try not to take it personally but every time we do talk I find myself thinking of exactly what I said at least a dozen times and wondering if I should have done anything differently. If I should be meaner or nicer or more serious or less bothered.

That was the thing about Harry, I never knew how to feel around him. Because I felt everything around him. The entire encyclopedia of emotions. Despite myself.

I see him the following Friday. The shift was okay, I was working it with a few people I’d gotten friendly with—mostly thanks to Dana breaking the ice for me. It was much more fun doing this with coworkers you could compete between shifts with on who dealt with the craziest customer that day.

“I heard she had to actually tap them on the shoulder,” Dana says to me and Jusuf. It was the final hour before closing time and at this point we were cleaning up and waiting for the last show to let its patrons go.

“At least they were just making out. Remember last winter Dana?” Jusuf asks.

“No. I’ve blocked last winter out.” Dana shudders.

“Why what?” I ask.

“Nope.” Dana cuts Jusuf off before he can say anything. “If I have to retell that I need to be drunk.”

“Oh is she coming to drinks tonight?” Yusuf asks about me. Dana raises her brow.

Even though I told her last time I’d try to make it I hadn’t tried at all. It’s not that I was avoiding it I just wasn’t sure if they would like me outside of work. The only reason they were all so friendly with me was because of Dana and I was scared I’d join them for drinks and either get drunk and say something stupid or have them realize I wasn’t actually cool enough.

“Tonight?” I ask.

“Yeah! You should come you never come.” Jusuf says.

“Okay,” I shrug. “But I’m gonna go home and change.”

Dana laughs. “We don’t show up for drinks in these ugly shirts.”

“Hey I do,” Jusuf says self-consciously.

Dana exchanges a look with me like that makes sense.

“You have a ride home?” She asks. She knows my cousins were in town. I’d let them borrow my car as long as they were in front of this building as soon as I clocked off.

Suddenly her face falls. “Looks like the final showing’s ended.”

I turn to look at what’s made her so sour. And of course it’s him. He’s walking alongside a group—old friends from both schools, and then turning to walk in our direction as he spots us.

“I swear this is the 3rd movie this week?” Dana says as he nears. His gaze slides from mine to her smiles.

I’d only seen him twice this week, I must have missed the third.

Which was okay. I really should be seeing him less. Every time I did it always felt so intense and I was always confused if that was my mixed emotions or ours. I tried not to engage with him through our shared history but sometimes that meant I carried it with me long after the interaction.

“Bored.” Harry says casually. “Is that a crime Dana?”

Dana directs her next words at me, “I’ll see you later? I’m gonna go finish cleanup.”

“Eh yeah me too.” Jusuf trails behind her probably sensing the awkward vibe.

Harry makes a frustrated noise as they go. My head’s still spinning.

“I don’t understand,” he trails off with a noisy sigh and a swear beneath his breath. He looks back to his friends. Rubbing the back of his head he asks, “You finished for the night?”

“Um,” with his full attention on me I suddenly wish I left with the others. “Technically still got another hour. On the clock.”

He nods, casual and cool. It’s a slight departure from the way he usually gives me his full attention when he gets my line at concession or tickets. But this had been his thing over the last few weeks. Hot and cold. Or hot and cool.

“Righto.” I grow awkward. And confused. I’m about to tell him I was also leaving but one of his friends calls out his name.

“Styles!” It’s a friend of his with an arm around a girl. I don’t fully recognize him. Two other people stop with him that I recall vaguely from school parties. “We’re leaving.”

“Me too.” He tells them.

“Harry could you give me a ride home?” One of the girls asks. Her eyes say a different story. “Their ride’s full.”

“Yeah?” He gets a bit stiff but follows it up with his easy smile.

The whole interaction makes me queasy and it’s wrong of me to.

After the shit show of my final year in school my first year in uni after spending the rest of the summer before with Nan really put my life in another direction. I really thought uni had done that, and did that to everyone. Yet here I was being pulled back into this and here he was the same. That shouldn’t surprise me.

I just thought—hoped, that something about the depth of our connection would have lingered between us. Enough so he didn’t just treat me like any other girl he’d hooked up with (hot one day cool the other) because it made me feel like an idiot for waiting to see if there was anything lingering. I had to draw a line and stand behind it.

“Well I’ll…see you around Styles.” I say to him so I could be the first to go and stop being witness to all this. I feel petty because I know how much he doesn’t like me calling him by his last name and I sense him grow rigid as I do.

His farewell in return smells like apathy as he heads towards his group and I try to convince myself it didn’t smell bitter like rejection. That I wasn’t falling into the same back-and-forth cycle with him as before.

Harry’s POV:

It’s my day off and after getting into an argument with my sister when she gets worked up about something I did or didn’t do, I needed to leave the house. I stalk the gym and when my playlist and my adrenaline runs out I shower and walk through the high street, catching a familiar face in one of the windows.

“Mate,” I grin at Ray working the counter at the coffee shop. It was weird seeing him in an apron all professional.

“Hey man! I was just thinking about you.” He claps my hand.

“Me? What?” I knock his forehead. “You doing alright?”

“I’m perfect,” he brushes my hand away. “Because of her.”

I turn to where his chin points to and it’s like my body just reacts before I can tell it to. My heart races and I stand up a bit taller.

“Yeah that’s it,” Ray laughs. “I knew it. She got some spell over you or something, look at you turning into Captain America.”

“Piss off,” I turn back to him whilst my brain comes up with a dozen ways to start talking to her. “Could I get a drink or am I just here to get the mick?”

“Yeah play dumb,” he swipes on his screen. “Cold brew?”

I pay for my usual and Ray motions for the next customer; shit, a line had formed.

Of all the opening lines I end up standing in front of YN and asking, “What’re you reading?”

It’s stupid. Wasn’t even a good line. But my brain doesn’t work right around her. I want to act normal but every time she looks at me it’s with those eyes that keep me up at night when I’m 17 again and brimming with anxiety around matters of the heart. It always felt like a feeling too serious for 17.

But here I was a year older and it was still here. Or at least the imprint of it was. And she probably didn’t care to have anything to do with me. She was just being mature and polite and I was still trying to figure out my angle with her. Do I play it flirty or disinterested like I stupidly did the other day. I couldn’t even enjoy the rest of that night because I kept thinking of her face as I played it too cool. Or do I see if she wants to hang out for the summer.

But if I was honest with myself I couldn’t just hang out with her and let it go at the end of summer. Things never ended like that with us.

I shove the weight of my emotions down, like my laundry back in uni, tamping it down to leave the surface empty and breezy. I’d be funny, flirty, light like everything was fine.

At least I could make up for the other day now.

“Oh,” she looks up. “Oh hey.”

I sit in the seat across from her so she doesn’t have to crane her neck but she stares as I sit. I hadn’t even asked. “Don’t worry I’m uh, not staying here.”

“That’s alright,” she shrugs. “Just grabbing a drink?”

“Yeah. Saw Ray working so I popped in. You were a bonus.”

“Oh was I?” She raises her brows. Unimpressed. Shite.

“Yeah.” I try to warm up a little. “Matcha?”

“Oh yeah,” she swirls the ice in her drink. “I already had a coffee this morning. Any more and I’d be so bloody jittery.”

“You seem like one of those people that could smash 3 cups no problem.”

“Noo,” she shakes her head. “I’m so weak when it comes to caffeine. Anything after like noon and I’m not sleeping well.”

I nod. “A lightweight.”

“I’m a lightweight for everything.” She says. She stiffens a little, the flush reappearing before she puts her book down on the table with a slam.

“A Year of…Magical…Thinking?” I try to read the title of the book upside down. “Any good?” It looks pretty plain. Like something you’re forced to read in English.

“It is but it’s like a lot. I’ve been reading it for 2 months.”

“I took the whole semester to read something once, I’m not one to judge.”

I take a sip of my drink and imagine the caffeine waking me up. Actually just talking to her is firing me awake, making this morning’s fight with Gemma feel so small and far away.

That’s followed by an anxiety, reminding me getting attached to a girl like this would not end well. Hell it didn’t the last time.

But I wasn’t; I was just talking to her. I tell myself that. It’s not like she cared to do anything more with me anyway.

“I’m gonna let you go back to reading,” I tell her after a beat.

“That’s awfully considerate of you.” She says with a straight face. When I raise a brow she raises one back. Snarky—I liked it. I couldn’t help it, any side of her was easy to like.

Chill, I remind myself.

I’m reminded of a memory that feels like a weird deja vu—trying to talk to her after school at yearbook when I was trying to clear the air but kept saying the wrong things. But she’s always had more grace than she needed.

“Actually before I leave you alone are you uh, going to Ray’s thing Friday?”

“Oh um he mentioned something about a party at his when I was ordering but the machines were pretty loud.”

“Has Dana not told you? It’s his birthday he’s inviting everyone back in town to his place. You should come. Dana’s probably gonna be there too.”

“Oh yeah? Alright maybe.” She picks her book back up again and cracks the spine.

“Cool. Bring your friends too—June, Juni? Juni right? And…”

“Rhia.” She nods. “They’re not actually in town right now.”

“Oh,” that made sense, why I kept seeing her by herself this summer. Unless she was with the folks at the cinema. “Well anyone you wanna invite I guess.”

“Alright.” She nods. With a smile she’s glancing back down at her page and I feel like I’ve been dismissed. I get up and say my goodbye, my time was up.

On my way back home I try to find a balance between my head and my heart. I don’t think she hated me like I thought she did but there’s also no legitimate reason she would want to be more than friends.

But I don’t know if I even wanted to be that. I just…wanted to be around her. A lot. And I wanted to have her smile and know it was for me. I wanted her to trust me and make me feel that way she did when she took my face in her hands and gazed at me for a full minute.

I wasn’t helping myself by showing up to the cinemas all the time and ignoring her for half of it. What was I trying to prove? And was it just to myself?

God, I was so done in and summer’s barely begun. I had to figure out what I wanted—these games I was playing weren’t helping me.

***Your POV:

When my cousin hears about Ray’s party he immediately decides he would show up. “A house party I’ve literally never gone to one.”

“They don’t have house parties up north?” I ask. He driving me into work Friday morning so he can have the car to drive him and his brother to the pool.

“Obviously they do. I’ve never been cool enough for an invite.”

Jace was a year younger than me and actually a lot cooler than I ever was. Maybe the standards there were different.

“I’m a theatre kid remember?”

“Oh yeah! Oh my god! I forgot.” I cackle. “I thought that was your brother.”

“No he does robotics. Somehow that’s cooler he’s been to more parties than I have.”

So that’s how I show up to Ray’s with Jace in tow.

Jace is an immediate hit at the party, or maybe it was Dana again introducing him to her cousin and everyone else. I notice Harry’s not here and try to forget that fact. I came here to hang out with Dana and make friends since I’d be in this town for the rest of the summer and my best friends were MIA.

And it works for the most part. Living with just my parents was turning out to be a certain kind of undoing so I desperately needed to build a social life. Ray and Jace take a liking to each other and they make up a music game trying to get everyone to guess a song based on its first second or two. They were also music nerds it seemed.

“Hey you have to know this,” Jace comes up to me. “Listen closely okay?”

He’d had a few to drink and it was incredibly obvious now that he never went to house parties because not only was he slurring his words a little but he was definitely drunk on the attention from Dana’s crew. It was kinda cute, I felt bad for not doing something like this for him earlier.

“I am so bad at this game J,” I had only gotten one correct so far out of a hundred rounds.

“Noo,” he rocks my head. “Listen!”

I slap his hand away and lean in to hear the one note.

A single guitar note.

“What!?” I say as soon as the note plays. Damn it sounded so familiar too.

“Please!” Jace groans.

“Seven Nation Army,” someone answers from the entrance.

From the way people’s faces light up and from the voice itself I know who it is.

I half-turn but Jace has his forehead on my shoulder pretending to weep. “How could you do this to me.” Theatre kid indeed.

“I’m sorry!” I laugh. “I needed another note it would have came to me!”

“She really is awful at this,” Dana comes around to where I stand.

“Not you too-“

“We used to literally karaoke this at her Nan’s.” Jace explains to her our top hits as kids. My chest aches like it usually does when I think of my grandparents and the house that would never be home again.

“You disappoint me.” Jace sighs and flops down on the couch beside me as Dana leaves us. “I disown you.”

“I’m older than you, you do know that?”

“Fine. Emancipate. Whatever.”

“You’re so dramatic.” I laugh but the conversation behind me grows closer and I eavesdrop.

“Dana,” Harry says. That’s probably where she went.

“Did you bring the mixer?” Dana asks curtly.

“Yep,” he says. And then lower, “Who’s that?”

“He came with her.” Dana replies. They’re talking about Jace. About me.

“He from town?” Harry asks, obviously not recognizing my cousin. My neck pricks wanting to turn around so badly but I lean over the couch, over Jace who’s sitting there to look at what song he’s queuing up.

“This is cheating,” he tells me.

“I forfeit anyway,” I say with my chin on his shoulder.

I don’t hear what Dana replies with behind me except when she asks, “You didn’t bring a date? I’m surprised.”

“It’s not like that,” Harry says. My stomach flips. What did that mean?

“Hey Har, I didn’t think you were actually showing after your texted me,” as if on cue a new voice enters the fray—flirty and feminine. I hear Dana snort.

“So. Guess there’ll be no Harry time for the birthday boy now-“

“I’m here aren’t I?” Harry snaps at her.

“Ok clearly you two are-“

“No sorry,” Harry cuts the girl he was texting off. “It’s Dana. Let’s find someplace else.”

Stupid. Of course he’s going to head off with the first girl who goes up to him.

He’s been giving mixed signals all summer. At the cafe the other day he was all talkative and I think I did a good job by playing it nonchalant, like he didn’t affect me, but it was all getting a bit much—under my skin.

“That’s a good one,” I hear from over my shoulder. Both Jace and I turn to Dana.

“This! Is cheating!” Jace repeats.

She holds her hands up and backs away. In one of them are two bottles. The mixers. She notices me eyeing it.

“Can I make you a drink?” She asks. “I’m half decent at it.”

“Why not,” I decide. I was losing Jace’s game, he was obviously doing okay for himself here, and Harry was…well, he was Harry. As disappointing as that was.

In the kitchen Dana does a decent job at making a few drinks. “This is my present to Ray. A signature cocktail.”

“Is this self-taught?”

“Kinda. My cousin’s a bartender, she would make us virgin drinks back in the day. I would always stick around because it fascinated me how many ways she could make a few ingredients taste different.”

“That’s adorable.” I tell her.

“Shut up.”

“You two close?”

“Sorta. We’re the only two close in age. The rest of our family’s like a decade older than us so we always hung out growing up.” She shakes the cups in her hand. “Plus he’s always been more social—invited me to all the parties until our friends just mashed together.”

“That’s…nice.” I didn’t have family like that. Jace was my mom’s brother’s kid and we only saw each other a couple times a year. Most of our relationship was over text. So when Dana asks me the question back I tell her just that.

“Speaking of friends, what’s up with you and Harry?” I ask after our conversation dies out. When she clenches her jaw I add, “If that’s not nosey.”

“It is,” she glances at me. “But I’d be asking you the same thing so I don’t mind.”

“Oops.”

Her mouth twists into a smile. “Ehm, he’s just a shite friend isn’t he.”

“Oh? What’d he do?”

“He’s just…he promises to show up for you and then he doesn’t even do the bare minimum.”

Something drops in my stomach. I knew that sort of disappointment firsthand. So had he not changed? “What was he s’posed to show up for?”

“My birthday,” she sets her cups down and leans on the countertop. “Don’t judge. It’s stupid holding this grudge over a birthday. But it also feels like more than just this?”

“Yeah.” I agree, waiting for the details.

“I’ve been having a shitty year, he knows about it. The group insisted I go big for my birthday they all planned it to help me feel better—Harry was all for it. Even came back early a few days to town to make it! Then. He didn’t make it and we couldn’t even reach him the whole day. Found out later he got so pissed he slept the day off. Oh. And he promised to help with drinks and cake so we had to scramble once we realized he ghosted us.”

“Jeez. Did he at least text you once he sobered?”

“No!” She laughs a bitter thing. “Didn’t remember or apologize until the day after.“

“Wow.” I can feel her hurt. Bad news.

“But he’s always like this! Promises something then finds something more fun…then he’s gone. And the rest of the guys are used to it—they forgave him. Ray thinks I’m being a girl about it because I won’t accept the half dozen ways he’s apologized-“

“That many? Seriously?”

“Yeah,” she chokes out a laugh. “Shite. I’m being the dickhead right? I mean he can be a good friend but sometimes you just feel like you’re more his friend than he’s yours? Ray told me he’s changed but I’ve not seen it.”

I nod. I got it. It felt like my final year at school, it was seeing him go off with another girl tonight, it was wondering if he was coming to the cinema watching film after film just for me or not.

Dana finishes off the drinks and leaves to come back with Ray and the group. They descend on her drinks and cake she’d pulled out of the fridge she was hiding with an enthusiasm that meant she’s done this for them before. That they probably all did this for each other—no wonder Harry’s actions stung.

It was sweet how much they compliment her and Ray thanks her until she rolls her eyes at her cousin and tells them all they had low standards before slipping out.

I go to follow her when she slips away, sliding off my stool, but Harry’s one of the taste testers and he corners me a couple meters from the exit. Great.

“Hey.”

He’s in a nice-fitting grey tee that shows his biceps off. Nice looking biceps with a couple tattoos. That I was not staring at.

“Hey,” I reply slowly.

“Y’have any?” He raises his mostly empty cup and empty plate.

“Yeah.” I try to relax my shoulders. This was just a casual convo. There were no expectations between us, just old classmates having a friendly convo at a house party. I wasn’t mad at him and I had no expectation. “She’s good!”

“Always has been. I tried complimenting her but…” I grimace at his words and his face droops. “She told you?”

“Sort of…”

“Did she—what do I do? What do I say? I don’t know why she’s this angry after I apologized. Did she say something?”

I shrug, “I couldn’t tell you even if she did.”

“Girl code,” he sighs.

“Or just being a good friend.” I take gender out of the equation. I would expect anyone I called a friend to behave the same way.

“Right,” he leans against the wall. “So no hints?”

“Well if you think she’s un-proportionately angry then maybe dig deeper. I dunno Harry.”

“You’re right. Of course you’re fucking right.” He runs a hand through his silky hair and the ghost of their memory slides over my hands.

I immediately take the distraction. “Cake. If you’re interested.”

“Ooh,” he tries to brush past me to get some. “And drinks.”

“J,” I stop him. “Maybe take it easy on the drink?”

“Why? Aren’t you driving us home?”

“That’s not what we agreed.” I glare.

“Well I can’t drive anyway. You’ve driving and I’m having another drink.”

“Jace.”

“You’re not my mum.”

“Fine. Your funeral,” I sigh, trying to breathe out the annoyance.

Harry is privy to the whole exchange and he looks amused when I look back at him.

“What?” I accidentally snap at him instead.

“Who’s that?”

“Jace? My cousin.”

His brows furrow and when he smiles next it spreads over his face slow like molasses and just as sweet too. “That’s your cousin?”

“Yeah? He’s staying with me this week. Obviously doesn’t get out often.”

He looks down, still smiling. “Here I thought you brought a date to the party.”

“A…date?” My eyes bulge out. “You thought Jace-“

It all made sense, I laugh. He thought I was here with Jace and Dana totally set that up.

“Is it that funny?” He chuckles.

“It is,” I pat his shoulder. I was going to find Dana and ask if she did that on purpose.

He turns to follow my steps and I slip away before he can ask me anything else.

***

I’m waiting outside the toilet. It’s been a few hours of socializing and getting to know people from school I’d barely said a few words to in all the years we were together. As fun as it was I was getting sleepy and decided to go home right after emptying my bladder.

The music downstairs is still going strong. There was karaoke at one point, a penny travelling around that I’d held my hand over my cup the whole time for, and memories passed around like a blunt. Most I wasn’t part of so it was fun hearing parts of school I knew about but didn’t experience. I missed my friends desperately though.

Jace had found a girl and a corner and when I walked upstairs they were cuddled into each other still talking. At least he wasn’t drinking—mum would kill me if I brought him home wasted.

“C’mon,” I mutter outside the door.

“Oh hey!” Harry exits from a room down the hall. “Hey!”

“Hi…” I notice his pacing and the stench coming off of him. I ignore the flashes of another party that overlays itself on the present.

I didn’t want to remember that. “Having fun?”

“A little,” he holds his hand up to show me a pinch between his fingers. “You left me or I would have had more fun.”

“Ah,” I nod. “Right. Laying it on thick of course. Weren’t you with a girl earlier?”

“What girl?” He leans on the wall beside me and his eyes look at me like he wants to skip the small talk and move to something else. As much as it makes my heart race, and a small part of me admits to missing the way it all felt, I was too sober for this.

“Really? Playing dumb isn’t cute Styles.”

“Fine. I don’t know where she is. Why? Jealous?”

I snort. “In your dreams babe. I just thought you had the trifecta you needed for your perfect night.”

“Yeah and was’tha?” He raises his brows.

“Drink, drugs, and a girl.”

“I’ve changed y’know, give me some credit.”

“So people keep saying. Haven’t seen it though so excuse me for thinking you’re the same old.”

He holds a hand to his heart. “I have changed. Like obviously I still like the booze and the drugs but any girl won’t do.”

He was such a dick. But I was also far from the cool, calm, collected girl I was trying to be—seeing him drunk was triggering something in me. “Being selective about the girl you choose for the night doesn’t mean you’ve changed. God.”

I don’t know why I feel as defensive as I do. He’s said things to me before. But they felt like lies, lies I had really wanted to believe.

“It does. I don’t just hang out with anyone now. That girl was nice but I wasn’t hanging out hanging out with her. I haven’t seen her in hours now.”

I hadn’t seen him in hours; he wasn’t with the group downstairs so I just assumed he was upstairs with her.

“Ok.” I find my chest tightening. Dangerous territories again.

“Ok.”

“You have a type now. Cool.”

“Yeah exactly.” He slurs. “Sh’was nice. But she wasn’t…well, you know.”

I raise a brow, “what?”

“C’mon y’know,” he scratches the back of his neck, not quite answering.

“No! What’re you on about?!”

“She’s not…she’s not you,” he says without looking at me directly.

You’re different. You make me feel different.

I stiffen and turn to face him fully, biting back the desire to push and see what else might come tumbling out. If he still meant those things. If the string tied in between us was still holding or a figment of my imagination. But as the tidal wave of thoughts and feelings crash over me, above it all—or maybe under it all, I just feel tired.

“That’s…a hell of a thing to admit.”

He runs a hand through his hair, meets my eye. “Is it?”

“Yes!”

“Thought it was obvious.”

Did he actually? Jeez.

Of course at one point I believed him—it may have seemed obvious then, but Harry was never transparent. He was always like a window fogged by a rainy day. And so far this summer he made it seem like we were old mates and everything was history. In comparison to what he’s just said it feels so far off and it’s crazy to me how he could have been so casual—how I could have misread how he felt, when really his stupid confession now is his drunken truth.

When I don’t reply he tips in to me and tucks a strand of my hair behind my ear. “You grew your hair out.”

His hand traces the strand all the way down to my waist.

“Y-yeah.” My voice sticks. “I decided I liked it long.”

“I like it long too.” The strand of hair grows lighter as he lets go and places his hand on my waist instead.

My body reacts to his hand splayed on me even though I don’t want it to. Flashes of memories come rushing back, but mostly the feeling of being warm and seen in his arms.

He’s close now, close enough that I can smell him underneath the weed and whatever else happened in that room. I imagine if I tucked my face into his neck just a few inches away he would smell the exact same.

His breath catches too like I’m affecting him as much as he affects me.

Two thoughts occur to me: Dangerous territories. And: I wasn’t playing this game.

“That’s nice.” With every bit of willpower I have, I take his hand and remove it from my waist. I deserved more than this. “But what are you doing?”

He looks confused. “I…I just thought…”

“What? That you’re drunk or high? And you think because you find me here I’m just going to…”

He shrugs, has the decency to look ashamed for once. Growth? I was looking for it too much.

“God, you are the same old.” Maybe it was me who disappointed myself each time.

“What?” His eyebrows scrunch together. “What’s that mean, same old?!”

“This—you! You just…you come to me not sober and expect to like, pick up the thread from a lifetime ago? I don’t get it. We’ve had a year apart at uni and you think we’re just going to indulge in bad habits?”

“Woah,” he stands straighter and his height means I have to look up at him. “Why are you accusing me? You were giving me signs I thought…I thought…”

“I don’t know if you are thinking.” I cross my arms. “There are no signs—this is so you!”

“Explain.” He looks confused and my heart is beating too fast to even talk.

“I really have to spell it out—You don’t want to talk, to communicate or clear the air or-or even ask me anything seriously. Actually you want to be hot and cold with me ever since we saw each other this summer. And then when you’re high or drunk you want to confess these…these things to me that just make everything so confusing! Genuinely I don’t know what you want from me but if it’s just a shag that’s not…I don’t do that. I’m not going to be that girl for you anymore Harry.”

“You’re not that girl,” his voice grows gruff and he tries to tug my arms to uncross them. He tries to hold my hands, “You’ve never been that girl. I never said you were!”

“Great.” I shake his hands off and don’t admit what his words do to me, what his touch does. “So have a little decency. And respect. And stop coming on to me when you’ve had some liquid courage. When you can say things you don’t mean.”

“I do mean i-“

“No you don’t.” I cut him off. Either he was in denial or I was but I couldn’t find out tonight. “We haven’t seen each other in so long! And the last time we were talking i-it wasn’t great. You can’t go from that to this now, confessing bullshit after all this time. God—I’m tired of hearing your empty words and thinking they might mean something.”

“I didn’t…didn’t mean to. Hurt you or anything. M’sorry.”

The floor may as well have fallen out from under me. Harry’s just said sorry? And accepted it without a fight or being a dick about it? Jeez.

“Good.” I don’t even know what to do anymore. Normally I left in a cloud of emotions to escape him but suddenly we’re at a mutual understanding. And I still have to pee.

I turn awkwardly back to the closed door and decide I could wait to go at home. I didn’t want to be stuck here with Harry, afraid of what I might say in his clairty of vulnerability. I had to go home and sort out what all this meant.

“I’m gonna go home.” I announce. It comes out a little too loud and formal. At the exact same moment he asks, “Did’you wanna talk-“

The hall grows awkward.

“Oh,” he finally replies to me.

“Um, best not to.” So I reply to him. “I don’t…think there’s much sense to talk through it now. Not…ancient history.”

And I wasn’t lying.

But the way he made me feel now, and the fact that I have the knowledge of the things he confessed in the dark seared into my brain made my feelings for him now confusing.

There was a push and pull—push because I didn’t want to get hurt, because we were only here for a summer before we went back to uni and building the lives outside of this small town. And pull because of the things he’s said, the way he clearly still feels drawn to me the exact way I still feel drawn to him. That despite being this boy he was still the person that held me during dark times.

“Ancient history? You believe that?” His face holds cautious hope.

“Mostly.” I admit. Let that hope remain cautious.

We stand in a weird quiet for a second—too familiar to be strangers, too weighed down to be anything else.

He clears his throat and sticks his hand out. “So. Friends?”

I stare at his hand. Did I want to be friends—no, could I be friends with him? After our past, could I be friends with Harry?

But what choice did I have if I didn’t want my system to be so shot the entire summer. I would obviously be seeing him for the next couple months, and it was exhausting being the only one to bear the load of our past every time I saw him. Maybe I could forget the empty promises, the warm confessions. Maybe this was growing up.

I clasp his hand and chalk the tingle in my hand to static shock. “Sure. Whatever. Friends.”

“Thanks,” he says with eyes half closed in a smile. “I’ll see you around.”

“Probably.” I shrug. “Small town.”

He laughs and the sound echoes in my brain as I head down to find Jace. Oh god, I forgot the dopamine hit my nervous system took every time I made him laugh. How pathetic was I, I hope I made the right decision.

***Harry’s POV

I don’t know what I was thinking the last few weeks—that time healed all wounds and also sprinkled accountability into the wind? Or that somehow I could show her I changed by trying to remind her of what we could be while I had one too many drink and too many drugs in my system.

I’m tired of hearing your empty words and thinking they might mean something.

I didn’t want to be that guy but somehow that’s the guy I still was. I tried hard to grow up this last year; hooking up with any girl stopped being so appealing, I started wanting to find connection instead. I worked hard in football. I showed up to enough classes to take it all seriously and kept my grades up. I tried to say sorry when it was my fault.

I thought that’s what growing up was. But every time I was around her I always remembered the gap between how far I was from actually being grown-up. I forgot how much she made me want to be better. Not just for her, but for the people in my life. To hold myself to a standard.

And she might have said the shite between us was mostly ancient history but that didn’t mean I didn’t have other things to hold to this standard.

And the first person on my list to sort this out with was Dana.

I show up to her starting shift just as she’s walking through the doors.

“She’s not in today.” She says as she brushes past me.

“I’m not here for her. Dana.”

“I gotta clock in.” She just glances at me.

“I’ve been waiting here for you for half hour could I at least get a few minutes to talk?”

She turns, a blaze in her eye. “Wanna talk about waiting around?”

Shite. As much as it triggers my defences I was in the wrong here. I drop my head and sigh, frustrated at myself. I couldn’t get this right. “Yeah. I deserve that. And I’m sorry but you already know that. I don’t know what this turned into. Just tell me what it is you’re so mad at me about so I can try to make up for it?”

Her face loses its fury, she looks almost confused. It lasts a mere moment. “You’re a shitty friend.”

“You don’t believe that.” I missed one birthday was she really going to cut me off over that?

“I do.” She drops her shoulders, readying for an explanation. “For so long Harry…you know how hard it is for me to make friends. You took the time to understand me so I considered you one of my best friends even though you were kind a dick to the other girls at school. But I didn’t have a lot of friends and I bargained you were just a player. We cut through each other’s bullshit. I let it slide. A lot slide.”

“You won’t have to let anything else slide I’ll be more-“

“But I realized you never saw me as your close friend.” She cuts me off. “I didn’t even come close to that position in your life.”

“That’s shit and you know it.”

“No I know what I’m saying. Look, I know we’re gonna see each other around this summer, I’ll lay off. But I just don’t think we can be friends like that. It’s not fair to me.”

She leaves me with absolutely nothing to say. I’m so confused. She just wanted to stop being mates? Nobody did that.

“I can’t try!?” I try to catch up to her and I hear someone shout at me as I hop the ropes that are supposed to hold non ticket-holders back.

“Dana you know him?” The guy at the tickets station asks.

“Yeah, he’s leaving don’t worry.” She turns to reassure them. She looks back at me. “What?”

“You’ve just given up I can’t try to be better? You’ve made up your mind?”

“Pretty much I mean-“ she scratches her head and then fluffs her bangs out. “Take the last few weeks for example. I’ve always had a part time job here. You’ve never once dropped by or nothing. Then she starts working here and suddenly you’re like a movie buff—and what’s up with you and her anyway? I thought she dumped your arse back in the day?”

I don’t even know where to start. But she’s right I never came to the cinemas just to see her and I’ve been here a lot this summer because YN was working here and it didn’t seem like she hated me so I wanted to know if I could work up the courage to ask her to hang out or something. Not that it mattered anymore after my behaviour at the party, which was a shame.

“Nothing’s happening. We agreed to that at Ray’s party.” White lie, I hope Dana never finds out. “And yeah I’ve never come around here to see you. I didn’t realize you wanted that-“

“I don’t,” she sighs. “I don’t want that Harry. That would be creepy you showing up here just to see me.”

“What? You’re being confusing.”

“Ok look,” she throws her hands up. “It’s like, you did it for her and suddenly I see what you are capable of if you cared. Like you can put in effort into a relationship if you cared? And I’ve never seen that for me.”

“Hey I’ve let you call me whenever last semester to talk shit. And I’ve picked you up whenever you needed me to. And we always hung out at parties together back in school.”

“Because we were in the same place! And I appreciate all the rides but I asked you for them. And! Ray had to tell you about the shit I was going through for you to pick up my calls. Don’t you get it? You’re capable of giving a damn which made me realize you don’t give a damn about me!”

She’s breathing hard when she’s done and her words hit me like a tsunami. I understood why it was important to her but why did it matter so much.

“You know guys don’t even think about this shite.”

“Yeah why do you think men struggle the most with loneliness? And then become incels on the internet.”

“Why does this all matter so much to you if I promise to do better!”

“Seriously?” She looks at me like I’m an idiot and I probably am. “I don’t want friends that think I’m a bloody obligation. As shite as this last year has been I’ve also met people who never made me feel like I was second rate. They always showed up.”

It was true. Dana was a lot more of a butterfly the few times I’ve seen her this summer. All the times she called me…I don’t know if I’d ever called her.

“I-“

“What?” She asks.

“Well I want to say I’m sorry but I know it doesn’t mean shite to you.”

Her face softens; the eyebrows that were two sharp lines curve down and the corners of her mouth do too. “It does mean something alright? I appreciate hearing you say it. I just can’t be honest and say it’s fine.”

Was I good at anything? Have I even grown up? Shitty boyfriend, shitty hookup, shitty friend.

“Anyway I gotta go for my shift now I’m late.”

“Sorry.” I say automatically and we crack a rueful smile. Dana waves me off and my drive back home is in a cloud of feeling sorry for myself.

I decide not to go straight home. I drive around, up and down the high street, and through my old schools. As I turn up a street I spot a very familiar person and I perk up. She turns when she hears the rush of my speeding car.

“Hey!” I stop ahead of her and wave. Just realizing she’s on the phone.

“Hey!” She waves and mouths at me.

“Need a ride?” I ask.

“Hey-Ju-hey, one sec okay?” She says into the phone as she approaches my window. She leans into it, her phone pressed against her chest. “Hey! I’m actually on a walk on purpose?”

“Didn’t realize you were on the phone.” I whisper.

“That’s alright,” her smile is sunny. Despite screwing up at Ray’s party her smile is genuine and it warms my face. I actually believe her about being friends especially when she asks: “You okay?”

“Yeah.” I say too quickly. Lines form between her brows.

“You sure?”

“Yeah s’nothing,” I fake a smile. “Nothing I can’t work out. Now go back to your call. I’ll see you around.”

She reaches in and squeezes my shoulder. It shouldn’t be as touching as it is but I feel its imprint long after I drive away.

***Your OV;

I’m talking to somebody named Harmen in the kitchen of someone’s house I forget the name of the following Friday. It had been a busy week at work and I was supposed to be here with Dana but she took a shift change last minute with someone so she wouldn’t have to work Sunday. I didn’t blame her.

I could’ve just not shown but after getting my face ready and blow-drying my hair I thought at least a drink should be had before going home.

“But she said it doesn’t actually hit you until after uni.” Harmen says, we were talking about feeling like adults.

“Maybe we just changed one bubble for another,” I agree. “Like once we graduate and out of that bubble there’s not really anything else other than…Life.”

“Life.”

“Yeah like putting your big girl pants on and making decisions and shite.”

“Fuck me,” she rolls her eyes. “I suddenly want to chain smoke cigarettes.”

“Look at us having existential crises on a Friday night.”

“Lot of fun we are.” She laughs, the eyeliner around her eyes make them pop as she does emphasizing her hazel eyes.

“You’ve got lovely eyes by the way.” I tell her.

“Aw thanks,” she takes the compliment well. “The only good thing I got from my dad.”

“Cheers,” I hold my bottle to her and she clinks her cup to mine, a silent agreement to stop being such downers tonight.

“So you seeing still hitting that one?” She asks as Harry steps into view.

“Oh please don’t say it like that.” I cringe. “And no, not in-“

“Oh he’s looking-shit he’s coming this way. I’ll make myself gone.”

And just like that she deserts me and just like that, I’m exposed. No buffer or out. Only Harry, closing the distance between us with that tentative smile that used to make hating him harder.

I haven’t properly seen him since Tuesday, when he popped into the theatre with some mates and shouted my name, totally embarrassing me as everyone turned to look at him only to see him waving at me. I’d pretended not to know him which I know only made him happier.

But it was like we were old pals. Which I guess we were now. It still felt weird. Like he was trying to give me space after what I said by being friendly from afar. But now that he had backed off, it left this quiet gap. I wasn’t sure how I felt about it.

He stops in front of me, one hand tucked into his hoodie, drink dangling from the other.

“I’m gonna take it as a good sign you don’t look like you’re gonna run away,” he says, voice low like he was scared any louder and I might just. I didn’t blame him.

“I’ll take it as a good sign you’re not slurring your words,” I fold my arms.

He grins, “S’too early in the night.”

“Still got time to embarrass yourself then? Or actually I should embarrass you here after what you did to me at work.”

“I was just calling your name.” He says innocently with a shit-eating grin on.

“Not at work,” I sigh. “I didn’t realize being friends meant putting up with your bullshit again.”

He smiles to himself, like he’s pleased. I take a sip of my drink, eyes flicking past him to the crowd and ask. “What was up with the other day?”

He tilts his head with a brow raised.

“When you were driving by. You looked—” I search for the right word, “—stressed.”

“Stressed?” He teases but when I don’t let him get away with it his smile dies down. “Just not my day.”

“It’s fine,” I say, even though it’s not. I know he’s avoiding being vulnerable probably because he’s not drunk yet. “You don’t owe me an explanation.”

He doesn’t reply straight away, then shrugs, trying for casual but it’s not sticking. “Dana. Tried sorting things out between us but…turns out they’re not. Might never be.”

“What’s that mean?”

He exhales through his nose. “Wish I bloody knew. She decided I’m a shitty friend and that’s it. No more chances.”

He doesn’t meet my eye while he tells me about it, my clue that he’s more affected by Dana cutting him off than his tone suggests.

I thought it was something she would get over. I figured if you were friends with him during his school years you could handle anything from him. Guess not.

“I’m trying to fix it,” he adds, a bit more defensively.

I believe he wants to fix it, which counts. I think. He looks back at me then, properly with something like surprise on his face.

“This is usually the part where you say something cutting?” He jokes, slicing the seriousness in half.

“Well,” I sigh. “I didn’t bring my cards to read from tonight so I’m all out of cutting.”

He lets out a breath, almost a laugh. “Lucky me.”

We stand in a silence that’s not entirely awkward but still holds a medium of anticipation. Like waiting for the other shoe to drop.

“So you just came by to chat, Styles?” I ask when it becomes too much.

“Yeah…” he side eyes me, hesitates, and continues. “I didn’t come over with some plan to make your evening hell.”

“Is that how you usually come up to me? Cuz that puts things into perspective…”

I catch his eye with a smile and he dips his head back with a laugh. When he looks back at me I have his full attention.

“No actually I just saw you and thought, maybe you wouldn’t hate it if I came over to chat?”

“Hm. I don’t,” I say tentatively. “Especially because you’re not even drunk yet!”

“Now that, I planned,” he grins.

“Good, you’re learning.” I pat his shoulder. Then I make myself clear even though I can’t say it with my full chest, “but I’m not looking to repeat history or anything.”

“I’m not either,” he says quickly. “I swear. That’s not what I’m doing.”

“Good.” I nod. “You weren’t too drunk the other night to forget you suggested we be just friends right?”

He clinks his empty bottle against my mostly full one. “Just friends. Of course.”

And in a not-so-friendly moment we lock eyes with each other and a thousand things bloom inside of me as the history between us swells into a tidal wave.

Then somewhere behind him, someone shouts over the music in a booming voice. It breaks the weird moment. We look away, slightly embarrassed—or at least I am. So much for putting my money where my mouth is.

“Now that I’ve lost a friend,” he sighs. “I’ve got a space to fill so our arrangement works perfectly.”

I scoff, glad for once at his perchance for turning serious moments into a joke, “I am not your friend rebound.“

Rebound. Not the best choice of word—we stiffen slightly but he uses his usual humour to deflect.

“Fine I’ll kick Someone else out to fit you in.”

“You’re quite stingy with your friends,” I comment.

“I’m selective. You’re stingy with yours you hung out with two girls for all of school.”

My jaw drops. “You did not just say that. Those are my best friends.”

“Yeah I’ve got those too, more than 2.”

“Then they’re not your best friends. It’s a very niche place in your life.”

“This is getting too girl-detail-y for me.”

“Too what?”

“The little details girls talk about? And they make these definitions about everything so they can categorize it all?”

I’m surprised at the accuracy of his observation. We did do that. He grins and leans into me, suddenly in my very personal space.

“I’m not just funny I’m observant too.”

“Babes,” I hope my racing heart isn’t obvious. “Your mum tell you that?”

His grin falters and mine grows, got him.

But neither of us wins as the tidal wave returns and we’re drowning in each other’s eyes again. Damn.

“I should go,” I say even though I had nowhere to be and nobody who was waiting for me at this party.

“Alright,” he says, stepping back like he knows not to follow. Baby steps, if we were to turn our history into just friends.

Maybe we’ll pretend we’re fine. Nothing weird, nothing heavy. Maybe we’ll be really good at it.

***

The mall attached to the theatre is always weirdly cold. It smelled like stale popcorn and Lush bath bombs, and everyone looks like they’re assaulted by the harsh lighting above.

I’m on break with an iced coffee in hand, still in my ugly polo. I had to cover for Lena last minute today and barely made it to work on time for it. It’s the first moment I’ve had to myself all day, and I’ve just managed to snag one of the benches near the cafe when I clock him.

Harry. And a girl.

Tall, brunette, cute of course. She’s flipping through a rack of magazines inside WHSmiths, looking annoyingly put together. She’s wearing whatever is the opposite of an ugly polyester staff polo.

Harry’s next to her, gesturing at something in the magazine, then laughing like he’s said the most hilarious thing in the world.

As I get more of her face I recognize her from the last few weeks—he’s brought her to watch movies before.

My stomach twists stupidly.

You’re friends now, that’s what you wanted. I tell myself. You agreed to friends knowing he has a rotation of girls.

I sip my shitty coffee and look away.

He was going to hang out and hook up with more girls than I’ll be able to count. That’s what guys like that did and being his friend just meant accepting it. The whole purpose of this was knowing I would see him all summer and trying to do the mature thing to—

“Oi,” comes his voice, cutting through the thoughts in my head.

I look up. He’s spotted me and he’s walking over. Alone.

I pretend like I just noticed him. “Oh. Hey.”

“You on break?”

I glance down at my polo. “No, I just wear this sort of thing for fun. It’s like—retail-core?”

He grins. “I have no idea what any of that means weirdo.”

“Says the guy who just came up to me to chat.” My eyes flick back to where he came from damnit. I wasn’t supposed to know.

“That’s my sister,” he says, nodding back toward the girl still inside, still reading something in the magazine.

I hesitate. “Your... sister?”

“Yep. Her car’s in the shop so I’m here to drive her and keep her company while she finds a card for one of her friends who had a baby? She’s sort of having a crisis about that.”

I glance over at the girl again. She’s now holding up a massive glittery card with a fortune teller’s ball whose huge font I can make out saying “I see shits and giggles…”.

“How old is she?”

“She’s a few years older than us. This friend’s like 24 though.”

I try to act casual, like I didn’t spend the last sixty seconds making myself feel okay that he was with a date at the mall. I take a sip of my coffee that’s mostly just watery ice now.

He studies me in the silence. “Wait—you think she was a date?”

“What? No,” I say, far too quickly. “When did I—Why would I think that?”

He raises an eyebrow. “Bit defensive.”

“Bit full of yourself.”

He grins wider, clearly enjoying himself. “You did though. You totally did.”

“I didn’t even see her properly. Or you! She just looked too young to have mom-friends.”

“You were going to have a cry in the loo after this weren’t you?”

“Wow! You just wish that’s what was happening here.”

“You’re such a bad liar!”

“You’ve just got a shite lie detector. Why would I even care who that was—I just didn’t know you had a sister! Anyway, don’t you have someone else to harass?” I was saying too many words but they just keep coming out.

“You’re my only victim today.”

“No wonder you’re here with your sister.” I roll my eyes, but I don’t tell him to leave. He’s got that easy energy—like we used to before our expectations of each other turned us into other people.

“Yeah and?” He scrunches his brow.

I regret saying it as I have to explain the joke, “Not with a date otherwise they’d be another victim? Nevermind.”

I pray the awkwardness isn’t as transparent as my lies are to him.

“So that wouldn’t-“ He cuts himself off and laughs to cover up a strange vibe coming off of him. “That wouldn’t bother you?”

Oh my god. “If you brought a date to the mall!?” I try to go for unbothered.

“Yeah-“

“Dude we talked about this—we’re just friends. I don’t care who you hook up with. Haven’t in a long time.”

“So you did once upon a time,” he quirks a brow.

“Not the point.” I kick his foot.

“I know,” he shuffles aside and turns to look over his shoulder in the direction of his sister. “I know. Just confirming.”

“Actually if you brought a girl to the mall of all places I’d think it’s sad.”

That eases some of the weird energy that had seeped in.

He glances down at my coffee. “Well that coffee looks sad.”

“It is.” I swirl the watery dredges. “They were running out of ice so I’ve got lukewarm regret.”

He laughs, loud enough that a passing mum glances over, frowning at the noise.

From inside the shop, his sister also hears and looks over at him to wave him over with two cards in the air. He puts a thumb up and starts to step away.

“Duty calls—I’ll let you get back to your break,” he says, flashing that same lopsided smile that’s been getting people into trouble since Year 7.

“Cheers Styles,” I say, trying not to look so bummed he was leaving. Trying even harder not to feel anything at all.

He pauses, twisting his mouth, “I do have a first name.”

“And?” I ask, knowing where he might be going.

“You’re doing this on purpose.” He concludes after studying my face. “I see...”

“Don’t know what you’re talking about,” I feign ignorance but my mouth betrays me, twitching into a smile.

“So you say.” He studies me for a second longer as he walks backwards to where his sister is. “it really is a lot nicer talking when you’re not storming away in the middle YLN.”

He grins when I roll my eyes, knowing he was too far for a retort. And then he’s gone leaving behind the same weird pull he always does—like a tiny speck of me left with him and the rest of me wants to catch up to it.

***

The living room’s packed with bodies and the TV's on full volume for a match everyone's acting like is life or death. I’m perched on the arm of a sofa, nursing the same drink I’ve had for the past hour, watching a group scream at the players like they’ve personally trained them.

Dana’s off somewhere with someone she met near the drinks table—tall, tattooed, and flirty as hell. They were deep in conversation last I checked, leaning into each other like no one else existed, thus sitting here nursing my drink.

I feel someone step up beside me.

“Fancy you here,” Harry says, voice pitched lower than usual. “Haven’t seen you around all week.”

I look up. “Yeah I wasn’t in town.”

Truth was mum and dad had been doing my head in so I’d headed off early on my visit to Nan. It had been exactly what I wanted, summer days in the bungalow Nan lived in with her sister. And both of them, glowing with a tan, keeping me entertained with quiet chatter about their Florida trip, while I exchanged stories from work.

I’d also complained about living at home again, they had told me I needed to talk to other humans outside of work so I had taken Dana up on this party. It was a mix of people I went to school with who were home for the summer, the year before us, and friends of all these people. The room I was in mostly was filled with our school’s football team.

“Everything alright?” He asks with genuine concern.

I smile, “yep. Just visiting family. Back to regular scheduling now.”

Being home again I’d also gotten lonely. It had gotten to a point where I was asking myself what I was doing with my life and if I should have stayed for a summer semester rather than come home. I was gripped with a realization that my life felt both overwhelming and small at the same time.

And above it all, I began to question why I didn’t have a boyfriend or someone to call mine. It was probably the hormones but seeing Harry tonight makes my stomach do some flips. It must be the leftover hormones.

Harry smiles at what I’ve said. His eyes flick past me. Just for a second, and it dies down. He shifts slightly to the right.

“You avoiding someone?” I ask.

I follow his gaze, even though I already know. Dana’s on the other side of the room now, laughing at something Tattoo Arms said, head thrown back.

“She’s not going to curse you from across the room, if that’s what you’re worried about,” I say.

He frowns. “Wasn’t looking at her.”

“Right.”

He sighs. Scrubs a hand through his hair. “Okay. Maybe I was.”

I let that sit for a second. Then I motion with my hand, like go on.

“She’s really acting like we never used to be mates.”

“She did say she’d do that. Since you stood her up.”

“I know! I’m reminded every time I try to talk to her. I tried to make it up to her!”

“Your issue’s not with me stop shouting,” I scold.

“Sorry,” his volume goes down by half. He looks at me then, properly. “But I know. I was just being—me, I guess. Didn’t think it’d matter that much. Now we’re bloody strangers.”

I don’t say anything.

He shifts on his feet. “She used to annoy me all the time…we annoyed each other, but we were friends. And now I see her and she acts like I’m the creepy lad who tried it with her in Year 10.”

I bite back a smile. “Did you?”

“Maybe,” he mutters.

I laugh once, but he looks really upset. I feel bad. “Wanna go somewhere else?”

He blinks. “What?”

“Not like that jeez. I mean to talk. Properly. I can’t hear a thing over whatever’s happening behind me.”

We find a half-lit hallway upstairs—sloped ceilings and dozens of family photos on the wall. He stands with arms folded, back against an empty part of the wall. I stand in front of him.

“I know I messed up,” he says eventually. “But it’s like…I thought she’d be pissed for a bit, send a few jabs my way, and then we’d be back to normal. She’s always been there—always ready to tell me off for being a dick. I thought that meant she didn’t need much back. She never said anything.”

“She shouldn’t have to.”

“I’m starting to get that,” he mutters. “But none of my other mates care this much. They don’t expect me to be some emotional support person.”

“Have you ever asked? Maybe they do mind but they know not to expect much from you.”

He tightens his jaw and then sighs. “That makes me sound like a proper dick.”

I let the silence answer.

I study him. “So what are you gonna do about it?”

“I don’t know,” he says, exasperated. “She said she’s done. What am I supposed to do—send her a fruit basket and a six-paragraph apology?”

“Might be a start,” I joke.

He huffs a laugh. Then, quieter: “It’s not just Dana. It’s…like I keep thinking about all these people I let down…makes me feel shitty.”

That one catches me in the chest; it’s rare he’s so unfiltered when he’s sober, rarer he isn’t following this up without the usual joke waiting to follow.

I nod. “It’s not too late to change.”

“Not for Dana,” he says.

“Maybe not for everyone else.”

He looks at me like he wants to ask what that means. I want him to. But he doesn’t.

I might be projecting on the conversation a bit but it feels natural place to rest my opinion. So I keep going, “She’s allowed to be angry. She’s allowed to decide she deserves better friends.”

“I never meant to make her feel like she didn’t,” he mutters.

“I know. But intention doesn’t undo impact.”

He winces, and I don’t mean to sound harsh—but I’ve seen too many boys like him coast through life thinking charm covers everything. Harry’s not cruel. He just hasn’t learned yet that being a good friend takes effort.

Or maybe he hasn’t even learned that commitment means seeing things through.

“You want to fix it?” I ask.

He looks at me then. Serious. Like what I’m going to tell him next was gospel.

“You don’t get to do one grand gesture and have it all go back to normal,” I tell him and as the words unfurl from me I realize it’s what I wish I could tell him-the version of me that wanted a version of him. “Just…be better. Consistently. Even when no one’s watching. Stop focusing on how to get her to forgive you, and start showing up like someone who should be forgiven.”

There’s a long pause. Then: “That’s annoyingly smart of you.”

I nod. “Yeah, I’ve been told.”

He grins, but it’s softer now. The silence settles again, but this time it feels different—like the molecules between us had been shifting between us when we weren’t watching and this conversation had just slotted them into place. Something's shifted.

“I dunno why I’m telling you all this. Sorry.” There goes those apologies again

I settle into the wall beside him as someone walks down the hall.

He glances sideways. There’s still so much unsaid between us; so much history neither of us fully understands. But right now, in the hush of a stranger’s home, he’s vulnerable. And I’m listening.

“You’ve gotten all soft on me now haven’t you?” He suddenly says, trying to inject some humour.

“What?” I’m not sure where he’s going.

“Well look at you! You’re giving sage wisdom to the boy you swore was a dickhead.” He turns to face me, flashing those eyes. My heart skips a beat, and I hope I’m not blushing.

“Oh, piss off,” I mutter, trying to sound sharp, but there’s no bite behind it. “If I said them, I wouldn’t use past tense, would I?”

He raises an eyebrow, a grin tugging at the corner of his mouth. “Getting all technical on me just to win the point.”

I shake my head.

Our smiles die down and suddenly it’s like we’re both aware of this new yet familiar quiet that’s settled between these versions of us.

A few people walk past us, there must be another party room up here. Downstairs Frank Ocean plays, too slow for the party’s momentum but with how loud the TV is (I can hear it from here) it probably doesn’t even matter. Still, Frank’s voice pierces a tender part of my heart like it usually does.

I look over at Harry, watching the way his expression shifts as the silence hangs. That easy smirk fades just slightly.

I knock my elbow into him; light, playful. “Good song, this one.”

“Yeah. I’ve got his vinyls.” A small sheepish smile tugs at his lips, like he didn’t expect me to break the tension first. “Even the ‘bad’ one.”

I snort.

Silence again as the song plays to an end. The voice on the record speaks to something sitting in my heart right now. But we're so okay here, we're doing fine.

“Not judging you, by the way,” I say, keeping my voice casual but soft.

“Is that new?” He teases, but there’s something hesitant behind his words.

“Hey, I really try not to judge people when they’re down.”

I hesitate for a second, but the words spill out before I can stop them. “I remember when…” I trail off, not entirely sure how to say it. But the vulnerability he’s shown tonight makes me feel like I can do the same. “One night long ago, when I was at my lowest...and you didn’t judge me one bit.”

He goes still, and for a moment, I wonder if I’ve said too much. But then, he nods, brushing my hand with his knuckle before dropping his hand back to his side. Like he was accepting this could be safe grounds for us in this new space.

"Don’t worry, it’s not pity. Just...I get it." I finish.

His gaze lingers for longer than usual. It’s hard to explain, but in that look, there’s understanding—like he finally sees that I meant it about being around each other. Of being more than our past.

And yet, I feel that familiar feeling. The one that wouldn’t mind getting swept up in this—him. The one that wouldn’t mind waking up in bed next to him, warm and soft. Holding him. Being cared by him.

It’s dangerous, that feeling. Just humming under the surface. It reminds me of all the other quiet moments between us; so against his natural disposition of loud and brash and boyish—maybe that’s why it’s lured me in so deep and never quite given me a full respite.

“Shall we rejoin the fun downstairs?” I ask, clearing my throat, pushing the thought away before it settles too deep. It had to be the hormones.

“Yeah,” he says, pushing off the wall. “It’s getting bloody depressing up here.”

“Harry Styles depressed at house parties? There’s no way.”

He gasps. “Ah sarcasm.”

I start walking toward the stairs. “Don’t act like you haven’t missed it.”

He follows, “I live for it. Someone’s gotta keep me humble.”

I glance over my shoulder. “You’re not nearly as humble as you think you are babe.”

He chuckles, that soft, boyish one I like so much.

By the time we hit the bottom step, neither of us is really laughing anymore. The music from the kitchen is louder now, the noise of people existing in a world that felt miles away in the quiet upstairs.

“Sick lad, s’cuse!” someone barks, barreling up the stairs with a grim-looking kid in tow, clutching their stomach like they’re seconds from redecorating the hallway.

I instinctively step back to dodge them—straight into Harry. His arm goes up without thinking, hand landing at the small of my back to steady me.

“Careful,” he mutters, low and close to my ear.

I freeze for a second, the warmth of his palm seeping through my shirt, keeping me steady.

“Thanks,” I say, glancing up at him, trying to sound offhanded. Like my heart hadn’t just tripped over itself.

“No worries. Woulda caught you either way,” he says, flashing that grin—less cocky this time.

We both hesitate. The hall suddenly feels much narrower.

“Did he make it!?” Someone shouts as they barrel towards the stairs after the other two. The moment cracks.

I step forward, slipping out from under his hand, giving him a quick look over my shoulder. “Come on, then. Let’s go pretend we were getting drunk.”

“How drunk?” He slings his arm around my shoulder and I convince myself to feel friendly feelings only.

We barely make it through the kitchen threshold before we bump into Dana. One glance at the proximity between us and she raises a brow.

“You two look cozy.”

“Oh,” I laugh—too quickly—and instinctively inch away from Harry. I don’t even mean to, it just happens. I glance at him out of the corner of my eye. His jaw’s tight. Bollocks.

“Just hashing it out,” I say, trying for breezy.

“Is that what we’re calling it now?” Dana says, her tone light, but laced with something sharper; not just annoyed. She’s hurt.

“Seriously,” I elbow Harry gently, trying to make up for the sudden step away. “He was just feeling a bit shite, so we were talking.”

“Woman gives man free therapy,” Dana replies, coolly. It lands heavier than it should. Like a jab she’s been saving.

Before Harry can respond, Tattoo Arms reappears, drinks in hand—and hands one to Dana. The conversation shifts around me but I’m still thinking about the way Harry tensed when I stepped away. The way Dana’s tone turned brittle. And the fact that, even now, he’s still standing beside me.

Just close enough to notice we’re together here. Not quite close enough to touch.

---

Of course, Dana doesn’t let that go. On our next shift together, she corners me in the break room, arms crossed, looking like she’s about to start a fire.

“You and Harry getting on now?”

“Jeez, what are you now? The Harry police?” I try to keep the sarcasm in check, but it's not easy.

“No.” She snaps back, voice sharp. “I just—he treated you like shite in school. I’m just looking out for you.”

I bristle at that, the old frustrations rising, but I know it's not entirely about Harry anymore. There’s something else under the surface. I force myself to keep my tone calm, even though it’s hard. “We’ve come to a mutual understanding, Dana. I’ve said my piece, and he’s listened.”

Her lips press into a thin line. “So…shagging now?”

The question hits me like a punch, and I nearly shout, “No! Oh my god, no.” I let out a breath, trying to center myself. “I’ve made it clear. We’re just staying friends. Why are you grilling me? You sound like Juni.”

“Well, Juni has good instincts,” she retorts, crossing her arms tighter. “I just don’t want you to become another one of his casualties.”

I freeze. “Too late for that. Anyway Dana, are you seriously still this upset with him? That you’re now policing who his friends are? Like, what’s going on here?”

She doesn’t answer at first, just chews on her bottom lip, like she’s struggling with something inside. After a beat, she sighs and looks away, clearly uncomfortable. I soften my voice.

“Look, maybe you should just talk to him.”

Her eyes flick back to me, sharp, and she leans against the wall with a heavy sigh, frustration seeping out of her in a slow leak.

“I don’t want to talk,” she mutters. “I’m just being a bitch. It’s easy when I have a target.”

I wait for more, but there’s only silence between us.

“I just…” Dana swallows, and I see her struggle with the words. “I am serious about not wanting to see you get hurt, though. I know what he’s like. Maybe I’m more mad that you decided to become friends with him when I’ve told him to get lost.”

I soften, my voice quieter now. “I get it, Dana. I’m not an idiot I know what he’s like too. First hand. But he’s trying, you know? To be friends with me. I haven’t got the energy to be mad at him and hold onto high school shite. He’s still the same guy but he’s trying. I can see it. If he pulls any of his usual rubbish he knows I’ll be gone faster than he can say sorry.”

“Doesn’t mean he’s changed,” she mutters under her breath. Then, after a moment’s pause, her shoulders drop a fraction, and she looks me in the eye. “You’re really sure about this, though?”

“Yeah. I’m sure.”

She nods slowly, her expression unreadable for a moment before a small, almost imperceptible smile tugs at her lips. “I never would have imagined this dynamic ever. Life’s a mad joke.”

Was it ever.

---

The doorbell rings unexpectedly, pulling me out of the quiet hum of the afternoon. I wasn’t expecting anyone—my parents are still at work, and I haven’t made plans. I pull open the door, and there he is, standing on the threshold, hands stuffed in his hoodie pockets like he’s trying to look casual but he’s too wound up so he’s failing.

“Harry?” I blink in surprise. “Wha-what are you doing here?”

He shrugs, his usual smile tugging at the corner of his mouth. “Got bored, figured I’d see what you’re up to. You free?”

I glance behind him, expecting to see someone else or a reason for him to be here, but there’s nothing. He’s just…here. And it’s oddly familiar. “Uh, yeah, sure. Why not?”

He steps in without waiting for an invitation. An old comfort settles between us, but there’s also nerves—or that’s just me.

“Cool,” he says, kicking off his shoes and making himself at home. “Wait. You wanna grab coffee actually? I’m in the mood for a walk.”

“Yeah alright. I’m down.” I grab my bag from the kitchen, my heart still trying to catch up with the fact that he’s here, unannounced. Best to get out of this house.

We walk out of out neighbourhood. I point out the street my Nan lived on and the spot where I crashed my bike in Year 4 and had to get stitches. He tells me about the time he fell off a playground slide and lost his tooth.

Soon we settle into a comfortable silence as we walk down the high street, the familiar energy of the place wrapping around us. People are out, in and out of shops, and the scent of coffee hangs in the air as we near our spot.

“Plain coffee?” He asks me. “Or matcha?”

“Matcha,” I say and we go up to order. The barista asks Harry what kind of coffee he wants. I tell him how I love light roast and he tells me I needed help. The barista hides her smile when he gets really into it.

We take our drinks outside to sit on one of the benches along the street. The place is bustling, but it’s still calmer than usual.

“So,” Harry starts, his voice casual, but there’s something about the way he looks at me that makes it feel like he’s not just making small talk. “What’s been going on with you? You’ve dropped off earth this week again. I thought maybe you had enough of me and left town.”

I sip my drink, and study the casual humour masking his worry underneath—that I’d decided I had enough of him.

I try to come up with something that feels right. Truth was, I’d become a shut in after the last party. I hated how it felt like I was between Dana and Harry. But I also hated how much of my thoughts Harry took up after these parties—we were just supposed to be friends and yet my mind kept snagging on the accidental brushes and the way his eyes seemed to communicate with mine in the silence. So yeah he may have a point and I might have been sort of avoiding him.

“Just keeping busy.” I lie a little. “Been home with my parents a lot which drives me a little crazy.”

“Yeah it was a bit of an adjustment being home again.” He agrees.

“It feels like slotting back into a you-shaped place but it’s suddenly suffocating, whereas before it fit better.”

He leans back, squinting into the sun. “Bollocks you’re good with words. That’s exactly how it feels.”

I shrug the compliment off and hope it doesn’t replay in my head later. “Yeah, I guess. It was nice having some space this last year, y’know? After everything with my grandparents.”

His brow furrows slightly. “You mean, your grandpa?”

“Yeah.” I nod, taking a deep breath. “My grandma moved away to be with her sister since my grandpa...”

“Yeah,” he nods and I’m grateful I don’t have to say the words. Even though I’ve come to terms with it now saying it always felt so weird. And of course Harry always knows how to smooth out these sort of wrinkles.

“So it’s been…different. I didn’t realize how much I took for granted, you know? Like having family around, and the way they kind of keep things in place.”

Harry listens quietly, nodding as he sips his coffee. “Losing family, and then even more with your grandma move away is hard.”

“Yeah, it’s been strange. I guess I didn’t realize how much I’d rely on…I dunno now it just feels like everything’s changed. Even at home. It’s different, but I don’t know… I guess I’m getting used to it?”

I was getting used to it but sometimes, like today sitting on this bench in the bright sun like I used to with Grandpa sometimes just to get him on a walk. It’s an ache that flows through me and my sensitivity varies daily.

Harry’s gaze softens, and he leans forward a little. “I get that. You don’t realize how much of your life is tied up in small things—family routines and stuff. Until it’s not there.”

I nod, looking out at the street, watching people pass by. I can’t look at him and have such a vulnerable conversation just yet. “Yeah. I feel like I should’ve had more time with him? But at the same time I’m grateful for every moment we had together. It just felt difficult to see that back then. And I think I needed this time away—last year. To figure out who I am outside of all it.”

Harry knocks his knee gently into mine. It echoes into my chest. “Uni’s been that way for me too. It was weird being away from this small world we knew but it’s been good for me! Not just as a break, but more like…a reset. You figure out what’s…like, what belongs to you and not everyone else?”

“Oh my god yeah. I’ve thought about that a lot,” I admit, his words mirroring my thoughts. “About what I left behind versus what I gained by leaving? I also got left behind in a way so there’s that too. But then it’s like, what do I want to take with me?”

He nods, like he understands. “Yeah. You start figuring out what matters to you only. What you want, who you are when no one’s watching.”

I smile softly, feeling a sense of calm that I didn’t expect to find with him. Maybe it’s hearing the inside of his mind so clearly and realizing we’re both figuring out our own things. It’s nice talking with this quiet understanding.

“Exactly. Like, I’m not just the person I was back home. I’m still me, but different.”

“In a good way.”

“In a good way,” I affirm.

“I guess that’s why we don’t fit as well when we’ve come back.” He smiles but it’s a rueful thing.

We both sit in silence for a while, just letting the words hang in the air, feeling the truth in them. I hadn’t expected this conversation, but I’m glad it happened. There’s something reassuring about sharing this space with someone else who gets it—who’s also learning how to be themselves and vulnerable enough to share.

***

I’d been trying to do work drinks once a week ever since the first offer just to keep up a social life. It was Lena’s birthday yesterday but she works today so we make a bigger deal of drinks. Juni’s finally back in town this week—after doing a mini catchup before work the other day we’d been trying to find more time to hang out. I invite her to drinks and turns out people had invited a lot of random friends too.

We get to be too many people for the pub so we take the herd to get drinks and pile up to a local outdoor spot through a grove that saw a lot of parties with the number of chairs and bottle littered about. We settle under the evening sky and I introduce Juni to a few new friends.

While Juni and Dana get to know each other I tell them I’d grab drinks for us.

I send a mental blessing to whoever brought the chilled beer and cupcakes—I manage to source just one. I tuck the bottle against me, the chilled temperatures a shock against my chest but it feels good as it settles. The central AC had been broken in part of the building for half my shift and I’d been disgustingly sweaty for all of it. I’d had to change my shirt for a spare tank once I got to my car.

I do a double take at the familiar smiling face as I walk back to my friends. It takes a second to register Harry had made his way to this get-together and he was flirting with Lenae who I’m pretty sure was a couple years younger.

Not that it mattered to him I guess.

In the cloak of the growing darkness I watch him, his hand trailing down her arm. She laughs at whatever he says. His hands on his waist as he nods and continues his story.

Meanwhile, despite the chilled bottles, my heart feels like it melts down into a puddle by my feet.

This was how it was supposed to be, I tell myself. Harry and I just friends; him doing his thing with other girls—quite frankly I’m surprised I didn’t see more of this this summer. But I guess we’d hung out at most parties I showed up for. He was probably with 2 girls for every party I wasn’t at.

This shouldn’t bother me. He wasn’t mine. Never was.

I go back to my friends.

“Ooh!” Juni reaches for the cupcake first which would normally have made me laugh more. “We were wondering what was taking you so long!”

“How come I don’t get one?” Dana asks.

“Well Juni took mine so I don’t even get one.” I shrug.

“Oh sorry!” She says but she bites into it anyway getting frosting on her nose. We laugh, this time it comes out naturally. Maybe I’d be okay—maybe it was just the shock of seeing him with someone.

“What’s the laugh about?” somehow Harry has spotted and walked up to us in the few minutes it’s taken to pull myself together.

And he comes with gifts.

“This is totally a bribe.” Dana turns her nose up to the box of cupcakes with 3 left inside.

“Oh Juni’s already got one.” Harry says.

“Oh remember my name now do you?” Juni says with all bark no bite. I’d filled her in a little about the truce Harry and I had but hadn’t had enough time with her to tell her the details.

“I’ll never forget it,” Harry smiles his charming one at her. She rolls her eyes and continues enjoying her cupcake.

“Thank you,” I take a red velvet and wait for Dana but she refuses to take one.

“Dana c’mon,” I nudge her. Juni looks between us—this was one of the details she didn’t know about. “It’s not like there’s strings attached.”

“What’s going on here?” Juni asks—straightforward like she always is. “Did you two hook up or something?”

“No!” Dana glares and Harry throws his head back laughing. I can’t help but giggle which earns me a glare from Dana.

“Not in a while,” Harry says knowing full well how Dana will react.

“We’ve never hooked up!”

“There was that time when we were 15,” Harry goes on one knee and holds the cupcake box out to her. “It’s been unrequited since. Dana. Accept this cup-“

“I’ll tip you over.” Dana threatens.

“Oh my god,” Juni leans over and plucks a vanilla out. She boops it onto Dana’s lips making her short-circuit and Harry fall to his ass laughing.

“What the fuck!” Dana says.

“What!” Juni holds it out to her. “Now you have to eat it. C’mon I saw you eyeing it. I can feed it to you if you don’t want to touch it.”

Dana blushes and I try my absolute hardest to hold my laugh in. I missed Juni so much.

In the end, Dana takes the cupcake and enjoys it with her beer. Juni asks her if she wants to chat about it and I tell Juni I’d catch up later. I’d heard the drama rehashed a dozen times this summer—Dana could fill her in alone.

But then that left me with Harry alone.

“That was seriously the funniest thing that’s happened all summer.”

“Yeah you’re having a right laugh at Dana.” I cover my mouth before I start laughing but I can’t help picturing her face after Juni touches the frosting to her lips. Harry can tell because as soon as we make eye contact we’re falling into each other laughing hysterically and trying to muffle it so it doesn’t travel.

“This is why,” I wipe my tears. “I love Juni. She’s just so no-nonsense.”

“I’m not laughing at Dana by the way,” Harry says. “She’s just been so serious with me all summer this reminded me of something from back in the day. I needed this.”

“God,” I press my palms into my eyes. “I haven’t laughed this hard in ages.”

“I’m glad you stayed,” he says in a tone that doesn’t quite match the moment we just had. I look up at him. “With me here.”

“Oh.” I don’t know what to say to it. I just didn’t want to listen to Dana complain again? I got stuck with you?

“I have a proposition.” He senses the awkwardness and pivots.

“What?” I try to keep up.

“You’re holding my favourite flavour. I’ve got this vanilla one. I propose we split each in half.”

“But what do I get?” I hold mine closer to me. “I don’t want vanilla.”

“You get to make me happy.”

“What!?” I shout. “What does that get me though! That’s a shite deal.”

“It’s a good deal,” he comes in closer. “You know you want to. You make me happy and I make you happy in return.”

“Haven’t you heard? My best friend’s back in town I don’t need anybody to make me happy.” I say but my voice grows strained as he leans in closer. An image of him doing the same thing to Lena pops into my head but I keep my expression glued to my face.

I’m so focused on not letting my face betray my emotions that I don’t catch him in time. He jerks forward and takes a bite of the cupcake I’m holding.

“Harry!” I push him away but it’s too late, my cupcake is 1/3 of what it was. “What the hell! That was more than half!”

“You didn’t agree to half! I had to take more!” He laughs with his mouth full.

“Gross,” I pretend to be more annoyed than I am simply because my heart is racing way too fast. “I don’t even want this anymore.”

“You know there’s more of those down there?” Lena says from behind Harry. He turns around and I see her pointing to a chair some feet away.

“Oh,” Harry steps back so she can join us. “I know I just wanted to eat that one.”

Lena assesses the two of us, I’m guessing for history. I drop the eaten cupcake into the box Harry still holds and look as disgusted as possible. I didn’t want us to come off as anything other than friends, I don’t know why it matters so much right now.

“You can have it all.” I say. “I’ll get a new one thanks Lena.”

“Yeah,” she smiles now. I must have done a good job at acting. “It’s my treat. Now d’you mind if I steal him?”

“Yeah go ahead!” I nod and avoid looking at Harry which I realize only makes it weird so I do look at him and he’s rigid like he’s got a shovel up his shirt.

“Sorry,” she turns to him. “I hadn’t seen those girls in a while so I had to say hello.”

“Oh that’s uh, that’s alright.” He snaps out of it.

She tilts her head to the side, to where she wants him to follow. He nods and holds up a finger and walks towards me. She eyes us again but must not find what she’s looking for so she steps away.

“You sure-“

“Yeah,” I cut him off. Be normal. “You go do your thing. I’ll find the girls.”

“You don’t mind-“

“Harry,” I take a step back to make more space, wrapping my arms around my waist. “A cute girl’s asking you to the side on her birthday. The Harry I know wouldn’t be hesitating.”

“The Harry you know...” He says, more to himself. I want him to be real again, to tell me it’s different. He doesn’t.

I continue blabbing, “I saw you two flirting earlier don’t kid just go!” I flick my hand and then a little louder I announce, “I’m gonna get another cupcake.”

I throw Lena one last smile and head for the cupcakes, but it’s hard to even swallow as I wander around to find Juni.

I didn’t want him to leave, on a really deep level I wanted him to stay. I wanted him to eat the rest of the cupcake out of my hands and then kiss me so all I tasted was icing sugar. I wanted to invite him to my car and just sit with him in the warmth, maybe curl into him, and have him tell me what I meant to him if anything at all. I want to ask him why he looked sad going. If anything had really changed or if we were just fooling ourselves.

My head swirls, and my heart spins out as I finally find Juni and Dana. I don’t know what my face looks like but they look worried as soon as they turn to me and rightly so. I turn and throw up on the side of the tree, chunks of red velvet burning the back of my throat as it comes up.

That cupcake was too good to be true.

***

My parents are finally out of town for the next couple weeks and I savour the bliss of having the house to myself. Juni stays over a few nights and we have a major debrief. We loop Rhia in on a facetime call and we finally hear all the details about Juni’s romantic summer.

I spot Harry a couple times at the mall that week. The first time we wave from where we are but neither of us go up to the other. I recognize only a couple friends he’s with.

The other time I’m browsing the WHSmith—mum had given me a giftcard for some reason before she left so I was looking for books I’d need next semester.

“One sec,” I hear his words before I see him. I turn from the shelf as he approaches me, recognizing his mum a few rows down. She watches us and when she catches my eye I smile awkwardly.

“Sorry my mum,” he turns to look at her when he sees me smiling at someone behind his shoulder.

“Right that’s why you’re here otherwise you wouldn’t be caught dead in a store with books.” I say.

“For your info,” he settles in. “I do like reading. I’ve ready Harry Potter. And I’ve read Twilight.”

“Twilight?!” I raise my brows. “Wow.”

“I couldn’t help it. Everyone talked about it at school growing up.”

“So are you here for Colleen Hoover or something?” I ask.

“Who?”

I shake my head, smiling at my own joke. “Nothing. Nevermind.”

“You finally moving on from the magical thinking thing?” He asks.

“What?”

“The-that book? You were reading at the cafe…”

“Oh!” I’m surprised he remembered. But then again, when he wanted to pay attention to you he was very good at it. “Eh I haven’t finished it. Yet.”

“Well,” he shrugs. “I just came by to say hi. But then you started insulting me.”

“Sad, sad boy.”

“Hanging around you too much,” he tilts his chin to me.

My jaw drops and he laughs, apologizing.

“Uncalled for.”

“You started it.”

I put my hand on my hips and narrow my eyes at him, the eye contact makes him squirm and he looks away with a nervous laugh.

I turn back to the shelf and slot the book I was holding back in its place.

“You’re not on break.” He just notices I’m in a regular tee.

“I’m not working today.” I tell him. “But can you imagine? I was so bored I’m at the mall after spending most of my week here?”

“Jeez you should’ve called me I could have entertained you.”

Maybe it’s because of the leftover tension between us or just because it’s us but the comment lands awkwardly.

I snort and he hangs his head, pink creeping into his cheeks.

“Don’t let your imagination run too wild,” he says because of course he does. He couldn’t help his cheekiness. “I just meant company.”

“Shut up Styles.” I bite back a nervous laugh and turn back to the shelf.

“Hey,” his hand’s heavy on my back and my smile dies quickly after that. I turn and he drops it. “M’sorry about the other week.”

“What d’you mean?” I know exactly what he means but I’m surprised he’s not passing this off as a continual joke like he would. I don’t know what it means that he’s apologizing for it.

We were just friends! Friends didn’t apologize for this sort of things.

“Leaving you-“

“I told you to-“

“For her.”

I had hoped barrelling through apology would shut this down but his words can’t be taken back. I bite my lip. Things just grow more awkward again. Great, it feels like square one again.

“Harry I already said we’re just friends.”

“I know,” he runs a hand through his hair. “I bloody know you said that. I don’t really know why I’m apologizing.”

“Yeah well me neither,” my tone takes a sharper edge as my irritation creeps in. Why did he always get to make me feel insecure and then act like it’s his bright idea to plaster it over.

“Don’t go and bite my head off now,” he crosses his arms.

“I dunno what you want me to say Har!” I cross mine. “I know who you are…you don’t have to stay all innocent and pure around me.”

“I’m not.” He prickles. “It’s not like I’ve been by myself this summer or some shite. But I did leave you alone to go hook up with someone and it just made me feel ba-“

“Oh god,” my heart pumps faster, sensing the road we’re on which definitely passes through our past. The one where we’ve hurt each other. “I had my friends. You don’t have to feel bad for me or whatever. Just because you’re hooking up with people at the same party as me and I’m not? Like?”

“No no!” He waves his hands. “No not like that.”

“Then like what?” I snap.

He sighs, big and noisy. “I dunno. I don’t think I know what I’m saying. I don’t want to hurt you.”

Too late for that, my brain instantly responds and I’m surprised at the intensity it feels with. The smart thing would be to work those feelings out but there was no point when we were getting along mostly.

Or were we only getting along because I wasn’t tying him down, which wasn’t making him run away, and I was kidding myself into thinking it was enough.

I didn’t like my brain in this space.

I sigh, try to let the pressure out. “We’re friends Harry stop making things complicated.”

“That’s all?”

“That’s all what!?” I ask, heart racing.

“You say that but then-“

I wait for him to continue. He doesn’t. “Yeah?”

“The way you look at me sometimes it makes me feel like I’m crazy I-“

I lean forward and grasp his arm. He stops talking immediately and it takes this moment to realize how little we’d touched this summer. But how much that actually meant because touching him now, so innocently like this, sent shockwaves through my nervous system.

It all feels like a bloody farce; everything we tried so hard to pretend to be.

Here we were clearly asking ourselves all summer whether the other person still felt something, something strong enough to cross lines—he’d just confirmed it himself.

“Are you trying to hold my hand?” He asks when the tension gets too much. “You’re like, half a meter off.”

I release him. I hated when he changed the tone into a joke. I know it was some sort of defence but I needed him serious to understand me. “I just need you to stop. We don’t need to go down this road. You don’t want to go down this road.”

Slowly his features sharpen back to the familiar ones I know.

“You’re right.” He says and I squash the rejection I feel at him knowing be didn’t want to go down this road. “Ok topic change. Akil’s having a pool party on Saturday you gonna be there?”

“Who’s that again?” I ask, going along with the change in topic. I ignore the part of me that feels rejected, him believing me when I said he didn’t want to go down this road.

“Uh,” he flushes slightly and I stare. “His uncle coaches the football team. My old coach—he’s actually hosting a scrimmage at our old school for old time’s sake and inviting the teams at Akil’s for barbecue afterwards. He said to invite all our friends. Actually, you’ve been to his place before.”

Oh god, of course. It’s my turn to flush. “Oh yeah maybe—is it a big thing?”

“Old football team, current team, a bunch of girls. Bring Juni. I dunno if Dana’s coming.”

“Yeah alright.” I busy myself with my books, memories of that house looping through my brain. After the conversation we just had it heightens all the feelings I have been pushing down all summer. All of the wants and needs I’ve had week after week.

I thought us getting along was like a broom to all the debris of feelings from when we did hook up—the rejection and sadness and hurt. But I was beginning to think they were glued in with Gorilla glue but I ignore it. I ignore it all.

“Maybe you’ll find someone to hook up there and I can stop ‘feeling bad’ for you.” He mocks. “I’ll text you the address.”

He’s gone before I can scold him. Damn him for making me feel stupid, being all serious when everything kept turning into a joke for him.

I felt like I’d dug myself a hole I couldn’t dig out of anymore. The question was, do I admit defeat or try to scramble my way out?

xxxxxxxx

Part 3.5

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