ah ha! You thought I was gone!

nope, I’m on my way back.

Down from the high that is. Sadly.

I’ve been on a - at most - 8 for the last several hours.

I’m now around a 5. Kinda wanna get back to a 6 or 7 before I retire to bed.

so I’m gonna vape some of my blended Legal RIFF “Subway Scientist” (nope, it’s fucking Rockstar you guh...) unitl I sleep.

i think it’s number five at least.

Here we go again:

fuck having a bum shoulder. again. seriously, fuck it. right in the asshole.

ok

the trip back wasn’t an odyssey so much as it was a revelation-filled romp.

also chillhop music makes me seriously so lyrical. it’s... it’s like I’m helpless, but I’m also scared that people might see me as a pretentious bitch or something, but I also recognize that maybe this is just my anxiety or some shit? 

thought looops, like frooot loops

oh yeah!

revalations

one: holy fuck I am so fucking bi.

there was this couple heading back -- WAITTTTT

how could I almost forget Oliver?!

ok

People I met on the romp back:

(wait tags)

(ok, back to here - but ow, fuck)

Eric, Lisa, and Oliver the Dog.

amazing neighbors who’ve lived in the area for a long ass time. also Oliver is cleverly named due to the location.

the black cat that I thought was a little girl twin of my handsome boy? nope! He’s an adorable little psychopath named Merlin! he loves people, is adorable, vocal, cuddly, his owners are this amazingly punk rock lady and this guy who could be like a secret badass punk nerd from accounting or something. And he’s a bit psycho ‘cause he does the whole “snuggle up to your leg to purr and cuddle you, ask for belly rubs, then will attack your hand”. My Zi doesn’t do that at all. He will give you maaaaaany warning bops with his back legs, no claws, before he begins to lazily warning bite you.

Alright, ok. 

Revelations.

one: I am so fucking bi.

there was this couple heading home from a run. both of them were HELLA FINE. I mean, of the two I’d prefer the dude, but if I could have both of ‘em, then hell yes I would.

I have the preference namely because the lady was wearing matching pink shirt and scrunchie - and that get up on a wavy blonde made me think of that character from the Arnold the Armadillo show and I don’t like her as much.

they were wearing matching running tights, the girl was wearing pink and the guy was wearing orange (my favourite colour).

Both probably within my age range, maybe in their 30s.

The guy was super in shape, bony, broad, muscled shoulders and a runner’s taper. 

Gal was thicc and had a face that looked like Denaerys Targarean (idk how the fuck to spell that name rn)

two: I’m living in my dream neighborhood, basically, and living my dream.

where I’m at, I just went out for a walk to a park - it felt like I was at a lake. 

there’s dogs everywhere, and friendly people who own those dogs. people with stories to tell, who are happy to sit down and chat.

there’s beautiful people where I live. All sorts of beautiful people. (see revelation one: I am hella bi - and for any biphobes out there, remember that bi means i find more than one gender attractive. think about that for a sec, I’ll wait.)

there are couples in their 30s with no kids, so this place is fairly childfree.

there are people leading alternative lifestyles all around me, mixed in and living side by side harmoniously with neighbors who are more traditional. including couples even who are made up of a “normal” looking person and someone visibly living that alternative lifestyle.

today has been filled with so many LGBTQ encounters of other LGBTQ people living visibly out - whether they’re living out to prove a point, living out because it’s right for them, living out despite the fear, living out because it’s fun to, etc, etc. - that it makes me so happy to see.

there was a dude in this really fancy sports car - likewise somewhere in this 30s - which almost everyone at the intersection had to turn their heads to appreciate

there was this guy with a beard (beards are so attractive) balancing on this fancy looking road bike (god, I love bikes) - makin’ that choice for whatever his reason is, but it’s one I love because we need more bikes and less cars

on my way home, and this ties into the point below, I passed under a balcony where several ladies where having a girl’s night and discussing things.

and it turned into this awesome look on feminism in a way because they were talking about I think female genital mutilation (these are all ladies in their late 30s or older - lots of talk of husbands, etc) and how there’s so many women still having it done to them.

one of the ladies mentioned how some man in her life somewhere (she mentioned how she knew, but there was a dog I was distracted by when she explained, so I didn’t really catch it) was talking about how less girls get mutilated than boys or something. And she was like “well i don’t know the numbers for boys, but even if it is higher, that’s still six--(some ridiculously large number like 600 million or something, or 600 thousand...) and then that means there’s even more children being mutilated than that because the boys get mutilated more often.” 

like, holy shit, a man engaging in “oppression olympics” when a woman was just trying to express her shock that any children are being mutilated - and that he was being excited for winning a gender competition for “whose gender is mutilated the most as young, helpless babies?!”!

anyways, that little aside aside

holy fuck my shoulder hurts

I was thinking I could do this part as part of the stream of conscience further down, but I don’t think I can hold out that long.

So ok, I separated the AC joint (or something like that) in my right shoulder from some bungled board breaking I did during a parade with my karate club. Boards got rained on and my student and I still broke them.

I bungled this break only in that the first two elbow attempts didn’t work - the board was way too wet and it bounced both the elbows back. So I resorted to  hammer fist to break it and boooooo. I wanted to elbow it.

But yeah, turns out I’m hurting.

But I’m not sure if I am or not. Again, this is probably anxiety? or maybe another revelation.

But like, I’m confused. Would a separated shoulder take 48hrs to fully onset in terms of the pain and symptoms? Cause I felt like I was sore, but still able to do thinsg. Then when I went in yesterday to see my chiro for a scheduled appt from way before the parade, I mentioned my shoulder pain.

he ran two quick assessments on me and diagnosed me with a separated AC joint. it’s on the mild side, but it’s still a separated shoulder he said. and since them I’ve been way more conscious of it and I wonder - is it because he told me something’s wrong and I’m “pretending” because I’m hyper-aware of any sensation in the area? Or did it really just take until now for it to start being so bothersome?

--- another aside within aside within aside: I’m starting to feel suuuuper sleepy.

but then also, I’m high. I’m high on 50mg edible THC and 1/2 a 210mg joint. I should be pretty medicated by now, we can all agree. And I do feel a familiar stoner feel from the indica. Nice heavy body feel. But through it all, my neck, shoulder and lat are just screaming at me occasionally.

Especially my neck. 

And my shoulder when I go to use my right arm - reaching, etc. OHHHHHH!!!! It hurts more today than yesterday because I did karate this morning!!!!! And I pushed (but didn’t hurt) myself a bit because I wanted to train with our guests.

ok.

I get it now.

I’m not crazy, it legit hurts. I’m not being a wuss, I’m being realistic. Okay.

SEE!?! WEED! REVELATIONS!

Dammit, guys, weed really is a therapist. 

Have I even told you guys I’m a relatively new stoner? Like, just since it got legalized in Canada, and like, in November? So a lot of those like random “crazy-ass” stoner stereotypical phrases that I used to make fun of and think were like “oh, hurr durr, only stupid stoners who can’t think straight think like that” - they’re TRUE!!!! holy fuck, guys.

Hm, also, I think I am definitely going to be able to ride along and let the shrooms take me where they will next weekend. I’m ready for it. I’m excited for it. I feel like there will be so many more breakthroughs.

OH! yes, returning.

So, those ladies and talking about not even feminism, but just out in the open, within earshot of people on the street (fair, they’re just having an open air convo on their own personal balcony - everyone else is on the public sidewalk, the acoustics in this area are just very conducive), talking about statistics about women.

It’s so awesome that I live ina  place where that can happen.

That I live in a place where a trans woman and her lesbian girlfriend can walk through the park. Where an openly lesbian couple, an openly gay couple, two best dude friends (and or maybe another gay couple, it’s not like they were dressed in rainbows or held hands or anything), a single dad with two kids, a single stoner, and all sorts of straight couples can just all exist alongside each other without anyone feeling pressured or attacked or anything.

It’s awesome.

Ok. My shoulder is really hurting. I know I’m not being a wuss with this now.

Though I have to say, as much as this fucking sucks, I still wouldn’t trade it for my experience as a martial artist. Now I know for next year, and I can protect my younger students now since I know that wet boards are so harsh on even my body - it’d tear out the shoulder of some of our younger kids. And I can experiment with drying the boards a bit more so they’re more brittle and won’t bounce back. 

I think if I had been doing a single break in a controlled setting like a dojo instead of needing to set up in as few steps as possible and break and move on quick so you don’t hold up the route, I could have broken it. But as it was, it’s not possible for me to courteously summon up the concentration for a break like that on a parade route.

I’m gonna just relax for a while. Probably find some anime to watch. I wanted to draw, but I don’t think my shoulder’s up for it. I’ll have to try to remember the imagery.

It’s like, space-sci-fi dystopia future-wave sort of thing but with lower tech and more slum-like. cartoony. cel shaded. primariy colours: orange-brown, blue/purple like vaporwave, red, orange-orange, maybe some yellow/yellow-white.

guys, weed is magical. I love weed. I mean, I’m a highly functioning member of society. I live a frugal lifestyle, but I kill it at work, I’m becoming highly involved in my community, etc. 

it’s crazy how there’s that stoner stereotype, but honestly I’d say that’s just the entertaining minority. the minority we all like to smoke along with. XD

ok, that’s a wrap on this part. maybe more, maybe not. dunno.

in anycase, fuck bum shoulders, stay chill, and see ya in space.

I'm a paranoid, shy stoner who doesn't know what the fuck she's doing and is wondering so many things.

I guess I got that thought loop I was looking for, ha ha!

I feel paranoid that someone in the park is gonna complain to or about me.

Not because I'm scared of doing something illegal or whatever, I just don't want to ruin anyone's experience of this park.

This is kind of what I was thinking about while I was out in the mountains. About how nature must be protected.

About how I can't forget that LGBTQ couple who walked through the park. The trans woman reminded me so much of my other trans woman friend. And her lesbian girlfriend, who was listening to her so supportively and attentively. And how it was just so heartwarming and beautiful to see such a display of trust and love.

And fuck now I miss my boyfriend.

And this park is just full of love.

There have been so far:

6 couples

1 pair of friends

A dad and his two kids (sorry for the weed smell, dad! I hope you still had fun. Your little girl's game of king of the hill was adorable and she looks like the kinda kid who's gonna kick ass when she's older. And her brother was so cute, too! Playing along with his sister and being all excited.

I just realized a friend I know who's married has referred to her spouse by various terms: he/they, husband/partner. Makes me wonder if her partner is genderfluid, because that would explain her above average knowledge of LGBTQ resources.

I wish the woman in the dress would come back.

The couple across the pond from me - just kiss already!!!!!

Aw, no! The bros left!

Lo-fi is the best possible Sesh music.

My brain is having a hayday.

It's a

Oh fuck the most beautiful soft butch woman just strolled into the park.

Kn God she's an older woman!??? Why?!??? My tyyyyyype.... Come back, sweet maiden...

Oh crap it's Disney based lo-fi.

Tjahs why the sweet maiden thing!

Ow, this bench hurts my butt

How having a bum shoulder fucking sucks and it hurts and fuck no I'm not taking Tylenol-- that shit makes me feel like I'm made of sludge!

This shoulder sucks dick, but I still wouldn't

... I had a really weird feeling at 7:28pm and had this intense need to text my boyfriend and check he was okay. He was heading out to the lake with his family this weekend.

Wish I could remember what the name of the lake was..

This Francophone couple next to me is precious. J'adore tellement quand j'encontre les autres personnes qui parles français proche de moi. Ça me rends tellement hereux de le voir.

And that's kinda tying into as well my thing with visibility.

Wait, hang on - Sesh Report note: I've put out the

Whoaaaaaaa, serious perception alterations happening now. Trip like visuals starting up. Elevated mood, too.

Ok, Sesh Report - I put out the joint. It was about halfway.

And also, I'm hardly ever going to combust consume anything in public for my seshs ever again. It's so inconsiderate. I like the smell but not everyone does. Can you blame them?! I never liked the smell of weed before I started consuming. And now I love the smell.

But not everyone wants to consume, and that's as much thier right as it is our right to consume.

And nature is deserving of protection. That means it's also deserving of making damn fucking sure everyone can enjoy the space as well.

So thags why I

Fuck- Sesh Report, high note: im a machine?! Where the fcuk did that thought come from?!

Where was I...

Right!!!!

Oh!!!!!! It's that maybe weed makes me some sort of deductive genius like sherlock Holmes!!!!

Because I deduced something like if my friends partner is gender fluid, and... There was another thought loop where I figured something out and then I forgot what it was..

Uh, moving on. Where was I....

Righ-

Fuck. Battery dying.

I'm gonna check back in when I get home.

hm, probably at a 7.

outta the bath now - gonna have to like, scrub the tub tomorrow. My tub looks like it was used for a dark satanic ritual, it’s all blackened. XD

moved on from B99 highlights to some Positive Smash reviews.

it’s cute to see Ashley’s progress from a pretty new-age-y, shy, nervous new Youtuber to a much more comfy, authentic and happy one. 

OH!

right, so authenticity and weed will probably be a future post for me, but I was recently talking to my psychologist about my new relationship and my new sort of baseline considering my progress with my mental health this last year.

But I’ve definitely found that since starting to use weed, I have been able to sort of “let” myself be more and more authentic. It’s helped me to become more empathetic

---oh, wow, so... holy fuck it’s like the high has moved into 8 or 9 territory suddenly. If you could have psychedelic visuals, but in your body, this is what I’m feeling right now. A sort of strange weightlessness. The sun seems brighter, too, and the world a little clearer.----

ok, so, continuing. Weed’s helped me to be more empathetic and seek understanding much more. Plus it feels like I haven’t had ego death per se, but it’s just that I’ve understood that ego itself is an optional thing to experience.

Like, you can understand that you and I are different people with our own experiences, but you can also see and know on a deep level within you that what the both of you experience is truth even if you have two very different versions of the truth between you.

I’m just stream of conscious-ing this, since it’s what’s most pleasurable.

Hey, question - would anyone want me to just, like, record audios of me rambling during my seshs? 

heeeeeeeere we go, the 50mg gummy is really starting up in earnest now, yaaaaaaasssssss.

i totally should’ve come up with some sort of hashtag for this...

So, here’s the menu for today’s “extreme” limit-testing sesh:

1/2 of a 100mg gummy (therefore 50mg)

1g pre-roll of legal weed (Highland from Tweed, I think)

Red Congo in the PAX as needed

The most painful high I’ve had - legit way too high - was when I accidentally thought a free sample of unlabeled chocolates I got along with an edible order were unmedicated chocolates. Totally thought it was just extra stuff unmedicated stuff thrown in because they didn’t have THC in ‘em. It’s easy sometimes to make too much chocolate than a batch calls for.

Nope. 200mg hit me like a truck a full 1.5h later - chocolates delay a fucking truck of a high.

So I had the shakes, some nausea, disorientation, etc. It was nooooot fun, but still it was somehow more pleasurable than being drunk for me. I still felt good I just knew that I had had too much THC and knew I had to just listen to my body and keep calm.

I was somewhat panicky, but it wasn’t bad. I’ve had extremely mild anxiety attacks more scary than that high.

With today’s shroom plans kiboshed, I figured what better way to get close to that than with a shit ton of THC - cleverly dosed and clearly tracked this time.

I’m hoping to enjoy some thought loops, maybe watch some trippy vids, etc.

Plus maybe I can see if I can “practice” letting go and surrendering to a high. I tend to be a control freak, and I’ve had a lot of experiences recently where I approach something of subspace - I’ll see if I’m inspired to write that sex-and-weed post - and I just feel too afraid to let go.

I’m the same sometimes when I’m pleasurably high as a fuckin’ kite. I feel like there’s a sort of “greenspace” that I approach similar to subspace where it’s almost like I’m “prompted” by my brain to flip a switch and give myself over to the high. Not all the time, just sometimes. So I’m hoping with this much THC it’ll do it.

If the Highland weed doesn’t do it, I might break into my joints I prepped for Sunday Wake and Bakes and reclaim the bud to vape it instead. 

Ok, I’m gonna go enjoy the onside of the 50mg gummy. I can feel it starting.

So, technically I'm not allowed to be smoking right now.

Or more accurately I'm not allowed to be inebriated right now. It's work hours.

That said, I have no actual work to do, nor do I have any meetings this afternoon. I'll be spending my time studying online.

So I'm having some Blue Viper.

Here's some of the reasons why I'm getting a 1-2/10, with BV specifically.

I've received some fucking bummer news about my work. An opportunity I really wanted won't pan out - not cause of me, in fact they loved me, but because of bureaucratic bullshit.

I want to reframe my angry, sad mind into viewing this as a chance to focus on learning new skills and giving my brain a mental capacity break.

BV helps me focus on tasks, including times when they aren't really what I'd like to be doing.

I mean, fuck it, work on weed is way better than not on it.

Office work, I should specify. I wouldn't condone driving or operating heavy machinery while high. It's a bad idea.

But yeah.

I'll be writing up my mountain Sesh Reports soon. Be on the look out for those.

OH FUCK!

I forgot to do my dab report!!!!

So I got myself some Blue Congo, a beautiful park, and a nice latte this morning.

It's the first time I'm wake and baking. And the first time I'm sitting out in public smoking weed.

I was gonna sit down and light up, but two cops were wandering the park on their break. It's legal to smoke in my area, and legal to smoke in this park, but I figured why push it. Plus there's adorable dogs around to watch for the moment.

I chose the last of my Blue Congo for this because the last time (first time) I smoked it, it was wayyyy crazy wired.

Also the joint I rolled is absolute shit. I need to roll more joints, lol.

Damn, it's literally unsmokeable. So sad. I'm gonna cut the attempt at smoking it and just enjoy my coffee in the park.

I'm trying out Elements 1-1/4 papers and I'm just not experienced enough to be rolling with such thin papers, I think. I'll take a walk to the nearby headshop to pick up a few kinds. Might come back to the park in the afternoon to try again.

But for now, I'll content myself with the many dogs roaming the park. Met an adorable 3mo puppy that I got to play with for a bit.