#serialmonogamy

“Do not just look at your boyfriend as just a boyfriend. Look at him as a friend, too.”

 - Vanessa Hudgens

  I’ve settled into an avatar relationship

I’ve got myself an exclusive online boyfriend now on alterD8.com. 

I’m still chatting with my online connections, but I’m not playing the online field right now.

Recently, I downloaded an app called Gratitude, that discusses how to find happiness through the act of being grateful. The speaker in the app points out that so often, we focus on the negatives of our daily lives. I've only listened to two of his talks so far, but he suggests picking three things that went well during the day, everyday. Also, to think about the details that caused these things to go well. Lastly, to make this a habit, he suggests picking a time and place each day that will consistently trigger you to remember to reflect on these moments. I'm terrible at routine, so hopefully I'll find a good time. Maybe on the train up in the morning...

Here's What Went Well: 8/3/13

1) I enjoyed being alone- This weekend, I'm catsitting for my friends, who are engaged to me married. It gave me a chance to get away from my own home, which I still share with #9. I got caught up on Dexter, went out for coffee, started this Tumblr, and started planning a budget. And this might seem corny... but I admired my hair. I had a great hair day. I need to notice my own beauty whether or not someone else validates it by hitting on me or paying me a compliment. These action were inspired by...

2) Taking a great shower- My friends are about a decade older than me, and more established. They have a modern and chic condo in an industrial part of town. Not but ten years ago when they were my age, their lives were likely in a similar spot as mine. Before I got into the shower, I noticed the shower door- it didn't extend all the way to the other side of the wall, and the top left corner was rounded, creating an elegant, simple design statement. As I showered, i noticed the rest of the beautiful details- whimsical art, expensive shower products, blue and brown color scheme, vases. I thought about the planning it took, and I realized that i never created much of a home for myself. I tried to with #9, but my funds were severely limited, and for some reason, I lacked motivation. Maybe it was because he said no to everything. If  liked something and he didn't, his opinion decided it was so. When I got dressed, I began establishing my goals, and figuring out how to execute them. I'm carving the path towards what I want-and how to be independent.

3) Budgeting - I've always been terrible with money. I'm swamped with student loans, auto loan and some credit card debt. The good news is that I am making a little more money now. I carved out a plan to save for the things I need to pay for, and for goals like moving out. I have been telling people that I want to find a roommate, but the truth is, I can't stand the idea of living with someone who I do not love. I might have to ask my parents if I could move back in with them, and if they say yes, truly taking it seriously this time. Which means, actually saving money. I need to hold myself accountable, fix my credit rating, and save for the life that I want, regardless if I'm single. This is probably the aspect of my life that is the most self sabotaging. I hope to have the strength to get through it and change my habits. I set up an appointment with a financial planner on Tuesday. 

...Not necessarily that somebody loved me. I had an odd dream about my recent ex #9. He and I are still living together, as we have only been broken up for a month. Luckily, we have a two bedroom apartment and opposite schedules, so I haven't seen him much. 

Sometimes I do miss him, although I was pretty much ready for it to be over. I did have the strangest dream about him. In my dream, he slipped into bed next to me, spooning me. He wrapped his arms around me. My heart was pounding and I started to scream, but nothing could come out. 

A couple of years ago, I had a similar dream. In that dream, we broke up because he had cheated on me (which he would never do in real life). I remember running away from him, feeling sad-but then an overwhelming feeling of freedom. I was excited to be alone, and I was smiling. 

#1- 3 months. He was a junior and I was a sophomore. We both liked wearing black and listening to Metallica. Intellectual, arrogant, condescending, funny as hell. I allowed him to make me feel horrible about myself. Until one day I didn't. To this day, we're friends. 

#2 - 2.5 years.  My high school sweetheart who was in a hardcore band. He wrote music and poems for me, painted with me, took my V-card, and then I broke his heart. He was the 90s to me. I heard he's engaged now. 

#3 - 2 months when I was 18. He grew up with #1 and was 10x more arrogant, condescending and resentful. Short as fuck. Waste of time.Played on my insecurities. Funniest guy I ever dated.Now he's married.

#4 - Off and on for 4 years. My.First.Love. Looked like Aryan Jesus and very nerdy. Very intelligent, very funny, very generous.  We went through so much together, but we couldn't last. Now, we're friends, and he's with an incredibly loving woman. I hope they last. 

#5 - 3 months - The Texan I met when I lived in Florida. Completely against my type- a handsome dork who looked like his mother dressed him. We was everything I normally didn't go for. At one point, I thought I was going to move to Texas with him, but he didn't want to move back there. He had no idea what he wanted, and all I wanted was for someone to love me. Now, he seems like he has a clear career focus, and is doing well for himself. We're still friends. 

#6 - 3 years. He was a rock star, only not famous. As a musician, his most successful project is a cover band. Despite being chubby and bald, he oozed charisma and sex appeal. He was funny, passionate, paranoid, egotistical and angry. We could talk together for hours. We danced together. I couldn't stand his family though. Plus, he was the biggest bullshitter I ever met. He spoke about us getting married quite often. We lived together. Then one day, it was over. My heart was broken for a long time. I'm sure there's a part of him that takes pleasure in the pain he caused me. He was just that egotistical. Now, he's married. We're not friends and I cut everyone I knew through him, out of my life. 

#7 - 5 months. Another rebound. He was everything #6 would hate in a guy: 9 years older than me, handsome, fit, had a "real job" and Irish. #7 was a distraction from the pain leftover from #6. He has his shit together ,but he is a complete commitment phobe. The sex was fun, and he was great to party with. We had interesting conversations and I got along with all of his friends, one of whom became one of my best friends. It ended, because, well. It was inevitable. 

#8 - 1 month. Does this one even count? We started as friends/drinking buddies, but he kept pestering me to go out with him. He lied to me about his age. He first said he was 12 year older than me, then I later found out it was 18. I'm still annoyed at this. He was very needy. He was fun though. Great bar buddy. He was president of a motorcycle club, so that was neat. Other than that, I was just in it because I was lonely. 

#9 - 3.5 years. The most handsome man I ever met. He looked like a Roman Jesus. Gained ~20 lbs while we dated and he was still gorgeous. It was a whirlwind romance. We met online, emailed for two weeks, met in person and stayed out until 4am. At first, we had a lot of things to talk about. We had the best sexual relationship for about 2 years. We liked to banter. We really wanted it to work. I think we both really tried to the best of our own capabilities. He has difficulty expressing his feelings- more so than any regular man. He was incredibly stoic, completely opposite of me. I felt like I had to be a mind reader. He also had difficulty understanding social and cultural norms.  Over the last six months, I became bored intellectually with us. He didn't want to do anything that didn't revolve around his main social hobby. Everything was a struggle. And once our schedules became opposite, it was worse. I became incredibly needy. Now, It's been a month since we've been apart. Ugh, and we're still living together. But I'm not heartbroken.