the way i used to be
pairing: choi seunghyun x fem! reader
synopsis: you come home every night feeling a little smaller, your silence louder than any words. you’re convinced the parts of yourself that you’ve lost have taken him with them. but love doesn’t vanish when you do. it waits in his arms, steady and patient, reminding you that you’re still here. still loved. still his.
warnings: 18+, depression, suicidal thoughts (not acted on), severe burnout, mentions of eating disorder, dissociation, heavy guilt, panic attack, swearing, arguments with raised voices, struggles with self-worth, and emotional vulnerability.
author’s note: i was nervous to share this because it’s a very heavy topic, but i decided to in hopes that it reaches the right person, and helps them feel a little less alone. writing it has been a way of working through my own feelings, and i hope that if you do choose to read it, you’ll be gentle with yourself. if it ever feels like too much, please don’t push yourself. your well-being matters more. please remember that you are needed, you are loved, and that you are never as alone as you may feel. my messages are always open if you need someone to talk to. i love you all more than you’ll ever know ♡
you used to come home from long days at work with stories spilling out of you, filling the space with laughter and little details only he would care about.
you used to curl into him on the couch, half-watching your favourite shows, half-talking about everything and nothing at the same time.
your nights always stretched on, wrapped in the hush of whispered promises and the safety of the dreams you built together in the dark.
it isn’t like that anymore.
somewhere along the way, the laughter has thinned, the nights have gone quiet, and even your words feel too heavy to carry.
it’s been a long time since you came home with enough energy left in you to talk without forcing it. to meet his eyes without looking away. to show him that the person he fell in love with is still in there, somewhere.
maybe two weeks. maybe two months. maybe longer.
since then, it’s been the same routine; unlock the door, drop your bag, and try not to think about how heavy it feels to move at all.
tonight is no different.
your keys slip once before you get them into the lock. your shoulder aches from carrying your bag, and you don’t even have the energy to be annoyed about it until the strap catches on the doorframe and yanks you backwards.
you step inside, and your shared apartment is filled with the scent of garlic and soy sauce.
you know he’s cooking for you. you know he’s only doing it because he knows you won’t do it for yourself. you also know you’ll take about three bites before you push it away and claim you’re full.
“jagi?” his voice comes from the kitchen. warm, but still cautious.
“yeah,” you answer, setting your bag on the table. as you let go of the handle, it tips over, causing the pen inside to roll onto the floor and disappear underneath the couch.
of course.
you crouch down and try to reach for it. your fingertips brush the edge before it slides further back. you give up.
he comes out, wiping his hands on a towel. “dinner’s almost ready. you wanna eat at the table or on the couch?”
“couch,” you say. you want to be horizontal. you want to disappear.
you sink down into your usual spot on the couch, and start scrolling through your phone, trying not to think about the way the quiet between the two of you feels a lot heavier lately.
you honestly can’t quite remember the last time you actually talked. you’ve been too tired. too drained. even when he’s next to you, you can’t seem to get out of your own head long enough to meet him in the middle.
he sets the plate down in front of you, as he sits beside you with his own. “how was work?”
you shrug. “long.”
“anything interesting happen?” he asks, clearly trying to initiate a conversation.
you shut it down quickly. “no.”
it’s not that you don’t want to tell him things. it’s that every spoken sentence uses the same amount of energy as lifting something heavy over your head.
you eat two bites before setting the plate down. “i’m full.”
he glances at the plate, then at you, his brows drawing together. “that’s it?” his voice is low and careful, like he’s afraid of pushing too hard. “you barely touched it, aein.”
“i’m just not feeling good, hyun. i’m sorry.” you manage to say, as you reach for your phone again.
he sighs quietly and turns the tv on. you sit quietly beside him, the glow of both your screens lighting up the room.
this is what your evenings have become; parallel lives in the same space.
but tonight, he’s not letting it go.
after a few minutes of nothing but silence between the two of you, he turns the tv off and sets the remote down gently. “you know, i feel like i barely even see you anymore.”
you keep your eyes on your phone. “i’m sitting right here.”
“that’s not what i mean.” his voice is steady, but you can hear the frustration under it. “you’re here, but you’re…not here. not really. mentally, you’re somewhere else.”
you swallow hard. “i’m just tired.”
“you’ve been ‘just tired’ for weeks now, jagi.” he argues, his voice laced with concern.
something about the way he says it makes your chest tighten. “so what? i can’t help it.”
“i know you can’t help being tired,” he says, his voice a little sharper now, “but i’m doing everything i can to make things easier for you, and it still feels like it’s not enough for you. you barely even look at me anymore.”
you freeze. you know he doesn’t mean it in a harsh or judgmental way, but it lands in the softest, most sensitive part of you. the part of you that already believes you’re failing him.
“i didn’t realize there was a quota i had to meet,” you say quietly.
“that’s not what i—” he cuts himself off with a sigh, and runs a hand through his hair. “i’m just…i’m trying my best, and nothing works. i make dinner, i clean up, i try to talk to you, and you either give me one-word answers, or nothing at all. i just miss you. i miss us.”
your throat burns. “i’m sorry if i’m not enough for you right now. i’m trying my best too, you know.” you don’t mean for it to come out so aggressively, it just does.
his voice rises without him meaning it to. “that’s not what i’m saying—”
“well that’s how it feels!” you snap, much louder than you mean to be.
“i can’t keep guessing what’s wrong,” he says, matching your volume now. “you won’t talk to me, you won’t eat, you won’t let me help, and i’m terrified that i’m losing you!”
the sound of his voice, loud and frustrated, feels like someone dropped glass inside of your chest.
you stand abruptly, heart racing. “i can’t do this right now.”
you storm off to your shared bedroom while stomping your feet like a child, and slam the bedroom door shut behind you. the sound lingers, too loud in your ears, and vibrating through your bones.
you don’t even make it two steps into the room before your knees buckle, causing you to drop near the edge of the bed.
your whole body feels wrong; too tight in some places, too loose in others. your breath stumbles in and out, but not enough to pull a real breath in.
your hands are cold and unsteady as you press them to your temples, almost in an attempt to hold yourself together by force.
the first sob rips out of you without warning, jerking your shoulders forward. you clamp a hand over your mouth, but it doesn’t stop the noise. it never does.
your mind starts its usual loop of thoughts.
you ruin everything. you’re useless. he’s already tired of this. you’re nothing but weight. he’d be happier without you. they all would. you take up space you don’t deserve.
these thoughts are nothing new, they’re just louder tonight.
you pull your knees up to your chest, curling so small your back starts to ache. you shrink smaller and smaller, your body folding in tighter until all that’s left is the faint rocking, back and forth. another desperate attempt to keep you from falling apart completely.
the door bursts open before you can brace for it, the sudden crack of sound jolting through you. you flinch hard, eyes squeezing shut against the noise and the spill of harsh hallway light flooding the room.
you don’t lift your head, but you feel him; the rush of movement, the weight of his presence. he doesn’t hesitate. he’s on the floor in front of you in an instant, like nothing in the world could hold him back.
“jagi—” his voice cracks hard on the word. “oh god…oh my god, baby.” his hands are already on you, cupping your arms, your shoulders, trying anything he can to see your face. “i’m here. i’m—i’m right here.”
you try to speak, but only a broken sound comes out, your lips trembling too hard to form a proper word.
“don’t—don’t force it,” he says quickly, almost tripping over his words. “just—breathe. please, just—can you—fuck—can you try to match me?”
he shifts closer, pulling you into his chest, one arm firm around your back, his other hand at the base of your skull. he begins exaggerating his own breathing so that you can hear it.
you make the effort, chest straining to draw in a full breath, but it collapses midway, broken apart as another sob crashes through you.
“that’s okay, that’s okay, jagi,” he murmurs fast. “again—just a little—yeah, just a little bit at a time.”
you grip onto his shirt like it’s the only solid thing left, causing your knuckles to ache from the tension.
he’s breathing for the both of you now, the rise and fall under your cheek steady despite the tremor in his voice. “you’re safe,” he says into your hair. “you’re safe with me aein, i promise.”
“i…i can’t do this anymore,” you whisper, the words slipping out before you even know what they mean, like your chest is confessing what your mouth won’t.
he stills completely for a second. you can feel his heart hammering under your cheek.
“w-what do you—” his voice stutters, then softens like he’s afraid of scaring you further. “baby…what do you mean?”
you try to answer, but the panic claws its way up your throat faster than you can control it. your sobs catching and breaking every word before it’s even formed. “i…i can’t—i don’t—” you choke, shaking your head hard.
his hand presses to your chest, desperate but gentle. “baby, breathe—please—just breathe with me, yeah? in and out…just a little, that’s all.” his own voice cracks, betraying how close he is to breaking too.
“i don’t…i don’t want to be alive anymore.” the words fall off of your tongue before you can think twice about it.
everything in him freezes, like the air’s been ripped straight from his lungs. his arms tighten around you, shaking uncontrollably.
when he speaks again, it’s broken and fragile. “n-no…no, don’t say that, please. please, jagi.” you feel him swallow hard against your hair, his chest heaving under your cheek. “you’re my whole life. i can’t—i can’t lose you. i can’t.”
you can’t stop. the panic claws through you, faster than your lungs can keep up. “i can’t be here anymore,” you sob, words ripped apart by airless gasps. “every day it gets harder. i wake up and i don’t want to. i come home and i’m empty and—” your throat tears, your whole body shaking. “and i’m ruining everything. i’m ruining you.”
“no—god, no,” he chokes, shaking his head so hard his forehead presses softly against yours. his tears fall hot onto your skin, mixing with your own. “you’re not ruining anything. you’re hurting, baby, that’s all. hurting doesn’t make you less, it just means you need—” his voice cuts, trembling. “it just means you need me here. and i’m here. i’m right here.”
the guilt burns through you, bitter and sharp. “look at you,” you sob, your voice raw. “you’re crying because of me. i’m breaking you too.”
his breath shudders and he grabs your face in both hands, gentle even though he’s shaking. “then break me,” he says instantly, hoarse but sure. “if it means i get to keep you, then break me. i don’t care. i’ll take it, jagi. i’ll take all of it—every piece, even the ones you hate. just…don’t leave me. please.”
your whole body jerks with every sob, words tearing themselves out of you in broken pieces. “i don’t know how to stop it—i don’t know how to make it go away. i’m not the same anymore, hyun. i’m not the girl you fell in love with, and i don’t know how to be her again.”
his thumbs swipe across your cheeks, catching the tears that won’t stop. his face is wet too, eyes red and raw, but his voice stays low, steadying even while it trembles. “listen to me. i didn’t fall in love with you because you were perfect or easy. i fell in love with you—all of you. the way you laugh, the way you care, the way you just…exist beside me. you’re still her, jagi. you’re still mine.”
your chest heaves like it’s going to split open. “you don’t get it,” you sob, words torn apart by hiccups of air. “i’m hurting you, and i don’t know how to stop.”
his arms crush you tighter, like he’s trying to hold every piece of you together. his voice is wrecked, cracked through with tears. “no. no, baby, please. you aren’t hurting me. you…you are me. you’re my whole heart. do you understand? i’m not here despite you, i’m here because of you.”
“but i’m not her anymore,” you gasp, shaking your head so hard it makes you dizzy. “i’m not the girl you fell in love with. i don’t laugh, i don’t talk, i don’t—” your voice cracks, throat raw. “i don’t know how to get her back. i don’t know how to be enough for you.”
his forehead presses against yours again, his tears still slipping down your cheeks with your own. “stop—please stop, jagi.” his voice shudders, fragile and broken. “you don’t have to go back to anything. i love you. right here, right now. even when you’re hurting. even when you’re crying in my arms. i’d take you like this a thousand times over losing you once.”
your voice trembles through the sobs, breaking unevenly, but the thoughts still push their way out. “but i make you scared. i see it—i see it in your face. i don’t want to do that to you. i don’t want to break you too.”
he shakes his head hard, grabbing your face with trembling hands. his voice cracks open. “of course i’m scared, baby. i’m scared because i love you. not because of you. it’s never because of you.”
he pauses to let out a shaky breath. “i’m scared of a world without you in it. i’m scared because i didn’t see it—because you were drowning right in front of me and i…i didn’t know.” his whole body shakes with sobs, guilt pouring out of him. “i should’ve seen it. i should’ve asked. i should’ve been closer. i’m so sorry.”
your chest burns with the weight of it, guilt and grief colliding together. “i didn’t…i didn’t want you to see me like this. i thought—i thought it would hurt you less if i kept it in.”
“no,” he whispers, voice trembling but firm. “no, baby. it hurts more to know you’ve been alone with this. it kills me to think you’ve been waking up every day feeling like this and i—i just kissed your forehead and thought giving you space was enough. i’m sorry. i’m so sorry, jagi. i love you. i love you so much.”
his arms tighten like he’s bracing against the idea of you slipping away. his tears won’t stop, now falling into your hair, his breath ragged and uneven. “please don’t go where i can’t follow you. break me, hurt me, scare me—i’ll take all of it. just…just stay. stay with me. i need you. more than anything, i need you.”
your sobs are jagged, tearing out of you until your chest burns. until every breath feels like it might be your last. your body shakes so hard it feels like you might come apart completely in his arms.
you squeeze your eyes shut. “i’m not—i’m not gonna do anything. i think i would get too scared to follow through with it.” you manage, your voice warping with every breath. “i just…i keep thinking about it. all the time. every day. i’m so tired, hyun. i just…want it to stop.”
his arms tighten a little, and for a second he just holds you like that’s the only thing he knows how to do. you can feel his heart beating against your cheek, faster than usual, and it makes your own chest ache worse.
“jagi…” he says it slowly, like it’s fragile in his mouth. “you’ve been...feeling like this, every day?”
you nod once, but it’s small, barely there. your face is still pressed into him, your breathing jagged and broken.
every inhale is a fight, and every time you try to speak for too long, it catches in your throat and falls apart into another sob.
he doesn’t rush you. his hand comes back to your chest, warm and steady, his thumb rubbing slow circles. “baby, feel my hand. just…try to breathe here, okay? not too deep, just…enough.”
you try, but your ribs barely expand.
his breath is uneven against your hair, but he forces himself to speak, his words shaky and tender all at once. “baby…let’s try our four breaths, yeah?” his thumb brushes over your wet cheek, while his hand stays trembling where it holds you.
four breaths wasn’t something either of you learned from anywhere.
it started on a night when you were panicking so badly, he didn’t know what else to do, so he just made something up. he had asked you to breathe with in him, while counting to four, hold it, and let it out slowly, while counting backwards from four.
you’d clung to the rhythm like a lifeline, shaky and uneven, and he stayed with you through every second. now, whenever he says it, you know it means more than just breathing; it means he’s here, holding you. loving you through it all.
his voice is still quiet and uneven, but he keeps it steady enough to guide you. “we’ll do it together, jagi. just like before. don’t push hard—just follow me.”
you close your eyes as he begins to count for you. you try your hardest, but the first breath stutters and collapses into another sob, your chest seizing before he can even reach three.
“shh, it’s okay,” he whispers, tightening his hold, his thumb stroking under your eye even though his own hand is still shaking. “it doesn’t have to be perfect. i’ve got you. we’ll try again.”
he breathes in slow, deliberate, his chest rising against yours. you fight to follow, your body still trembling too hard, but he anchors you; his hand on your chest, his arms around your back, his voice murmuring soft encouragements into your hair.
every time your breath falters, he catches you with his own, grounding you in the steady rhythm he refuses to let go of.
little by little, the jagged edge of your sobs softens, enough for one shaky inhale to stretch a fraction deeper than before. it isn’t clean, it isn’t easy, but it’s something.
he feels it the moment your breath doesn’t break all the way through, when the air makes it just a little deeper into your lungs before it shudders out. his forehead stays pressed against yours, and he finally lets out his own breath.
“there,” he whispers, almost in awe when your breath catches a little steadier. “there she is, there’s my girl…you’re here.” his hand slides up to cradle the back of your head, his tears falling freely. “you’re doing so good, baby.”
your chest cracks with another sob, quieter this time, and you shake your head against him. “i don’t deserve you.”
his whole body jolts, like the words knocked the air out of him. “what?” his voice is raw, shaky, disbelieving. “jagi, no—don’t… don’t say that. please.”
you try to turn your face away, but his hands cradle you tighter, his thumbs trembling against your wet skin.
“baby, how could you ever think that?” his voice cracks again, desperate but still so gentle. “you’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me. do you hear me? the best thing. i don’t care how dark it feels right now—nothing could ever make you unworthy of love. not mine, not anyone’s.”
your chest stutters with another sob, guilt clawing up your ribs like it’s trying to split you open from the inside.
he only holds you tighter, his palm pressed firm and steady against your chest, anchoring you to the rhythm of his own breathing like he’s begging his lungs to keep you alive when yours refuse to.
he’s always been your anchor; the steady weight that keeps you from drifting when everything else is pulling you apart.
you take another shaky breath against his palm, and it hurts less knowing his chest is rising with yours, like he’s promising to keep you tethered to the world.
he presses his forehead to yours once more, breathing you in as if you’re the only thing keeping his own lungs working.
“you’re here,” he says, voice cracking on the last word. “that’s all i need. you. just you.”
you want to tell him you’re not enough, that you’re just a shell of the person he once fell in love with, but his arms tighten like he’s hearing every unspoken word.
in that moment, you understand; he isn’t holding you because you’re whole, or because you’re easy to love. he’s holding you because you’re still you, even while broken into pieces.
your sobs keep coming in quiet waves, like your body isn’t quite ready to stop yet. every time you think you’ve reached the end, another breath catches in your chest, pulling you under again.
his hands stay firm and gentle, grounding you, as if to remind your heart that it still belongs here. “i’ve got you,” he whispers, the cracks in his voice only making it truer.
it isn’t a promise to fix you. it isn’t an empty string of words to make you feel better. it’s heavier than that; an oath.
that no matter how many pieces you break into, he’ll be there, holding onto every single one.
you want to tell him you’re sorry again. you’re sorry for being the way you are. you’re sorry for making him carry this weight.
instead, you allow yourself lean into him, the side of your face pressing against the loud thud of his heartbeat.
maybe tomorrow, the emptiness will still be waiting. maybe the doubts will still curl around your ribs in the same way they always do.
but in this moment, he doesn’t try to mend what’s broken. he just holds you tighter, his breath weaving through yours until you can’t tell where one ends and the other begins.
nothing is fixed. nothing is certain. but you can hear it in his silence; the vow to love you, in pieces or whole, for as long as you’ll let him.
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