#senes8

I just finished a series, Sense8. I don’t know what exactly you’d categorize it as--science fiction may be the closest description. There’s romance, action, as well the development of the human race. It’s interesting, but regardless of the interesting nature of the show it makes me think. It really makes me think a lot especially when I feel like there isn’t enough time in the day to allow me to think. Between work and managing various social circle while maintaining my sanity there is never just a moment where I can take a deep breath in and just think. 

What would I think about given the time? I would think about where my life is right now. I’m currently 25 living in my parents basement. What a start. I’m nowhere different than where I was exactly 4 years ago, sitting on the other side of my room, in a smaller bed, writing my first blog entry for this website. I currently have the same boyfriend, which I’m thinking about leaving because I don’t know if I’m in love with him anymore. This isn’t your typical thought process though, because I’d be leaving a man who’s left me a minimum of 5 times in the last 4 years. I’d be leaving someone who has hurt me more than I thought humanly possible to hurt someone you love. I may have been very naive during our time together--having this “idea” that love is something to cherish. Where you can hold it in the palm of your hand, plant it, take care of it, and it still live. Instead all I learned is that no matter how much you tend to it and nurture it, it will die. It will die and become something new. It may change and turn into the beautiful flower you’ve always hoped it would be, but alas... it just keeps dying. Mockingly so. You feel so dumb, you’re waiting for this plant to bloom and stay in bloom. You try changing the conditions, you’re waiting and waiting for the petals to show themselves but they never do. You drive yourself crazy looking for ways to nurture and nourish this plant but nothing changes. It dies. You walk away in defeat waiting for it to come back this season... it doesn’t. You finally leave it alone. 

You get a glimpse of it almost a year later, it’s finally growing again and it beckons back to you, “I’m still here, I want to bloom for you!” You go back, and try the new things you’ve learned while you were away and unfortunately, you don’t care to keep this plant alive anymore. More so, you want to keep the plant alive, you just don’t know if it’s worth the energy to keep it alive anymore. That is what love is. That is what I’ve found love to be.

Until I stumbled upon this show. This magnificent show, Sense8. The finale struck me to my core. I’ve been pondering on the love of mine, my flower, for quite some time now. Do I stay, or do I go? He’s promised he won’t leave again. Most of his friends are not okay with it, neither are mine. Nor is my family okay with it, but his are. Apparently I was good at keeping him while he wasn’t in their company. There are plenty of things I love about the man I’m with, but I feel like all the compliments I give are, “He can be... He sometimes... Most of the time...” they are led by conditions. I don’t want to think he can only be respectful when he wants to be. He should just be respectful. He shouldn’t just treat me well when he wants to, but as much as he can or all the time. He tells me that I’m perfect, but I am not without my flaws. There is one thing I do strive for though, and that is to be the best I can for him, to encourage where I can and do what I can to make him happy. I do fumble, but there is at no point where I haven’t given him my all. Up until now. Up until I have all these doubts in my head, where everyone tells me that’s okay. That it’s almost expected given our history. That it’s alright to be hesitant with the relationship, but I don’t feel like deep down in my heart it’s okay. I shouldn’t have to hide anything nor do I want to hide anything. I will choose love over and over again but if my lover continuously chooses other things over me and leaves, why should I stick around? Why should I abandon my family and friends for someone who may or may not leave me again? Do I really want to bargain that again? I’ve done so every other time, and every time I’ve looked like a fool. I get the eye-rolls, the “I told you so”’s... I’m tired of hearing that and being made out to look like an idiot. 

I don’t want to hurt him. I do love him. Some days I believe I’m still in love with him but I don’t know if I can keep going through this with knowing that at any moment he can leave. That he may or may not change his mind, and to be quite honest I just want him to be happy--I don’t think I make him happy in the slightest. At this point I don’t even know if he makes me happy. I don’t trust him anymore. I really want to, and I want to work on it but I don’t know if it’s something I’ll be able to get past. What has happened as made me very upset also because there is no way I can reintegrate him into my family. They all hate him respectively of course. It just seems like an impossible task, and not one I’m able to do in the standings of where I’m at now. I want to go back to school, I want to move out, I want to work and travel on my own. I want to find out what my identity is without someone looking at what I’m doing and getting upset at my decisions or holding me back. I want to go canoeing on the Illinois river, or hiking trails into the bluffs, maybe even go skydiving. Travel the world on my own and being reckless with a small safety net to catch me. Putting trust in friends I’ve made along the way to help me achieve what I use to think was impossible. Pure and utter happiness. I’m not afraid anymore to be the person I always had wanted to be. Sure, I may STILL not know what career path I want to be on. I still may not know what the future holds, or what my life is going to look like. My five year plan, let alone my ten or twenty year plan holds only the things I know in my heart that are solid. My family. My friends. The people who have stood by me during the most absolute hardest times in my life. Most importantly, my life plan holds me in it. Me at my highs, and my lows, but me. That I want to thank the show Sense8. It has shown me everything, and helped me come to terms with a lot of things in my life. 

I need to have a talk with my boyfriend about how I feel... I don’t know how he’ll take it but it’s something that has to be done before any life changing decisions are made.

With Love