#selfpara1

The gentle snore coming from the head resting on his shoulder told Daniel that he was now the only person watching the film. That was alright. He knew that Wenfrin had only agreed to watch it because it would make him happy; musicals weren’t really his boyfriend’s thing. He also knew that Wen’d had a busy afternoon tending to crops. Daniel’s afternoon had been just as busy with the same, so he knew firsthand how tiring it could be. So he wasn’t really upset, just the tiniest bit disappointed at another date night where it had been his turn to pick the activity, and Wen dozed off during the film he picked - or used it as background for chatting, or to make out to. Not that he could really be upset about any of those, either. He liked talking to his boyfriend, and everything else they got up to together during movies. It would be nice if they could really watch a movie together every once in a while, too, but he didn’t quite know how to ask for that without making it sound like he was unhappy, when he wasn’t. For now though, he reckoned he ought to pause the film so that he could let Wen rest, and watch the rest on his own later. Except that when he paused the film, the snoring stopped and the weight of Wen’s head on his shoulder lifted. Whoops.

“Sorry, did I doze off?” Wen asked as he shifted slightly away from Daniel to stretch his arms, then settled back in again. He glanced at now-paused paused movie, then back to Daniel again. “We can keep watching, if you like.”

Daniel considered his options, then shook his head. “No, that’s alright. It is getting a little late - probably won’t have time to finish it anyway. We can leave it off,” he suggested, trying to push away that little disappointed feeling that came again at Wen looking relieved. He had every right to not want to watch a movie right now, Daniel reminded himself. 

“If you’re sure,” Wen answered, tail end of the sentence trailing off into a yawn as he settled back into his boyfriend’s arms, a small furrow appearing between his brows. “Sorry I’ve been so tired lately - fieldwork’s been taking a lot out of me.”

“It’s alright, I know how this time of year is,” Daniel allowed, carding his fingers through the leaves atop Wen’s head. 

“Still, it’ll be worth it come harvest. I heard the council’s considering doing something extra for the harvest festival this year if the yield’s high. Which it will be,” Wen enthused, appearing to come out of his sleepiness somewhat at the prospect of something exciting. 

Daniel felt a small pang at that, the reminder of a time in the not too terribly distant future when life in this little town would go on without him, when Wen would be here without him. “You’ll have to tell me all about it,” he encouraged anyway, reminding himself that he was going to have to get used to missing harvest festivals and a whole lot more than that before too long. 

“What d’you mean?” Wen asked, evidently confused - which in turn had Daniel confused.

“Erm - I mean… I’d like to hear about it?” Daniel answered uncertainly, suddenly worried that the issue had been him saying Wen ‘had’ to tell him about it, which was more a figure of speech than anything else. “Sorry, I didn’t mean - it’d be really nice if you felt up to telling me about it, but I s’pose I could always hear about it from someone else?” He didn’t think the harvest festival was a particularly sensitive subject, though. Did that just mean that Wen wasn’t going to want to tell him anything at all, come that time of year? Oh no, was that what Wen meant? 

“That isn’t -” Wen cut off, still looking pretty confused. He began again. “What I’m wondering is, why would you need someone to tell you about it? Wouldn’t you be able to just see it for yourself?”

Oh… oh no. Daniel just stared for a moment as the panic rose, unable to make sense of the situation or find the words to talk through it. He hadn’t forgotten to tell Wen that he was planning on leaving town when he came of age, had he? No, that was stupid, he definitely hadn’t forgotten to mention it. He’d known Wen for ages, and he’d been one of the first people he’d told when he’d made up his mind. He’d brought it up since then too of course, plenty of times - though he hadn’t mentioned it much lately, because he’d seen how sad Wen seemed to get when he brought it up. Which was understandable; he wasn’t exactly looking forward to being far away from his boyfriend either. Would they even be boyfriends at that point? They hadn’t talked about it. Oh, no. Was Wen planning on cutting off contact? Is that why he’d been confused about talking about the harvest festival? Wait, no, Wen had literally just said the part he was wondering about was why he would need someone to tell him about it. Which again, didn’t make sense, because Daniel had definitely mentioned his plans of leaving town once he came of age. “Wen… the festival’s weeks after my birthday,” Daniel reminded his boyfriend gently, having come to the conclusion that that was the piece that Wen must have forgotten. That was a little disappointing, but he told himself not to get worked up about it. It was just a day; anyone could forget. 

“Right, I know that,” Wen assured him, still looking confused, until – he pulled back, sitting up straight to look at Daniel head on. “Hang on, do you mean to say… are you still planning on – on leaving?”

Daniel hadn’t been expecting that at all. Not the question, and certainly not the hurt expression on Wen’s face as he asked it. “I, well – yes,” Daniel replied hesitantly, still pretty confused. Why wouldn’t he be leaving? It had been a couple months since he’d brought it up, sure. But only because it seemed like it wasn’t something Wen wanted to hear about. “I… I told you I was planning to, didn’t I? And, erm - I never changed my mind and said I wasn’t going to…?”

“But you didn’t mention it when I asked you out,” Wen protested. Perhaps he saw how that failed to clear up the confusion in Daniel’s expression, because he deflated a little, and added in a quieter voice, “I just… I don’t know. I guess when you said yes, I… I just thought you might have decided to stay. For us?”

“I… what…?” It was taking a moment for Daniel to catch up to that train of thought. It did occur to him that he probably should have said something more than that, but his mind was still reeling too much to work out what. He wanted to be a performer, a dancer. That was always what he’d wanted ever since he’d known what that was. It hadn’t taken him much longer to work out that there wasn’t exactly much need for dancers in Freyew - as much as he loved his family and friends, he would have to leave them to live someplace else if he was going to stand a chance of making that dream come true. He’d liked Wen for ages, and yes, it was bittersweet that they had less than a year to be together in the same place, but it had genuinely never occurred to him to put his plans on hold. If he was understanding this right, it seemed the concept had not just occurred to Wen, but had been deemed the most likely outcome. Which… what? He’d already said that though. “Sorry, I just… I like you, a lot. But I can’t - I can’t just stay put because we’re… I can’t stay here for you.” This felt very obvious to Daniel, and yet he felt just terrible as he was saying it. Obvious to him as it was, and as clear as he thought he had made it to Wen that he was leaving town when he came of age, it had clearly been far from obvious to his boyfriend. It was sort of hard to look at Wen now, actually, guilty as he felt for the expression on his boyfriend’s face. But looking down would be even worse, when it was his fault Wen was looking like that - and not saying anything either, Daniel was quick to notice, though he forced himself to be patient and let Wen collect his thoughts. 

“... Oh,” was all Wen said after several moments, looking away from Daniel and down at the floor as he spoke.

That… wasn’t a lot for Daniel to go on. What did ‘oh’ mean? He waited several beats longer for Wen to elaborate, trying to keep his panic at bay all the while. “Oh?” he finally repeated, a question in his tone as well as his gaze - as if that would make Wen look at him again, somehow. 

Whether the question was what prompted it or not, his boyfriend did look at him again after another moment. “I don’t know what else you want me to say. I mean, where does this leave us?” Wen finally asked.

“Well, my birthday isn’t for months, still,” Daniel answered, slightly confused. It was four months out still - almost five. Not all the time in the world, but enough that he was a little confused why Wen was asking where it left them right now. 

“Right, but you’re leaving right after that,” Wen answered, sounding rather stressed. “I just mean - did you think I was going to come with you? That we would be long distance? Were you just planning on dumping me?”

“Erm –” Right, Daniel felt absolutely horrible now. “Erm – I mean. It would be lovely if you wanted to come along, but I wasn’t expecting it. And, erm – sort of the same for long distance,” he admitted, getting progressively quieter as he spoke. “I – I was going to ask you what you wanted to do, but – you never seemed to want to talk about it, so…”

“So you were just going to leave one day without saying anything?” Wen asked. That… didn’t feel like a fair question to Daniel, but the way Wen looked and sounded so distressed as he said it took priority.

“I wasn’t - I mean - I was going to talk about it, I just. I thought you didn’t want to talk about it yet, and… I’m not leaving just yet, so…” Daniel almost said again that his birthday wasn’t for several months, but it didn’t feel like that would help. He wanted to reach out to try and comfort Wen, too, but - based on the way he seemed to be gradually recoiling further even still, that probably wasn’t the way to go. “I thought you just wanted to save it for later, so I was trying to respect that. I didn’t… I didn’t realize you didn’t know it was a conversation that needed to be had at all,” he finished instead, mumbling a little towards the end. “But, erm… we can talk about it now?”

“I don’t know what there is to talk about,” Wen answered after several painfully long seconds. “You’re leaving, and I’m staying here. And I don’t see how a long distance relationship would work… unless you’re planning on moving back at some point?”

There was a little hope in Wen’s eyes at that last part, it looked like. Daniel hated to snuff it out, and his thoughts raced for something, anything that might make this better. “I’d be back to visit, but… no, I don’t plan on moving back,” he admitted. He wasn’t quite able to look Wen in the eye as he said it, which only made him feel all the worse. He really was a rubbish boyfriend, wasn’t he? He chewed at the edge of his lip.

“Right, then - I suppose I’m not sure what we’re doing,” Wen finally said when he spoke up again, sounding rather defeated. 

That got Daniel to look at him again. It was feeling rather hard to breathe suddenly, and Daniel had to remind himself that he very much needed to do that. Even if it sounded like… was Wen breaking up with him? “What… what do you mean?”

“I mean - I’m staying here, and you’re moving away in a few months. What are we…” Wen paused, took a deep breath, and continued. “Why are we together, if you’re just going to leave?”

Breathing normally wasn’t getting any easier. “W-well, I’m here now? And we - I really like you… and you told me you like me too?” Daniel’s answer sounded rather like a question.

“But that’s not enough,” came Wen’s immediate reply. Daniel couldn’t help but flinch back at that. Perhaps Wen decided that had been too harsh, because he sighed - though he still looked rather upset as he continued. “I just mean - yeah, I like you. But if this can’t go anywhere, I don’t… I don’t think it makes sense to keep seeing each other.”

Oh. “Oh,” was all Daniel managed to say, feeling rather small. Sounding rather small too, most likely. He opened his mouth again, though to say what he wasn’t sure. That he was here now, and would be for several months still? Wen already knew that. He closed his mouth again, then opened it. “I, erm - are you breaking up with me?” His vision was starting to blur, he realized - oh no, he couldn’t start crying. Later, certainly, but not while Wen was breaking up with him. He attempted to blink the tears away, but it didn’t work. Why wasn’t it working?

“I don’t want to break up with you. But if you aren’t going to stay, then… yeah, I think I am.” 

“Oh.” Oh no, Daniel had already said that. He probably sounded so stupid right now, repeating himself. But he might as well sound stupid, seeing as he was an idiot for leading Wen on. He hadn’t thought that was what he’d been doing, even in the slightest. Part of him still felt compelled to point out that he wasn’t leaving for several months yet, but he pushed that urge back - clearly, it didn’t matter. “I’m - I’m sorry.” Suddenly he could see more clearly, and he realized that was because the tears that had been filling his eyes had spilled over. No, no no no no, he wasn’t supposed to cry right now. He wiped the tears away quickly, as if that would make up for crying in the first place. 

“Yeah… me too,” Wen said quietly. Maybe it was Daniel’s imagination, but it looked like his eyes were wetter than usual, too - oh no, he didn’t want to make Wen cry, but - oh, too late. “I’d better get going…” Wen shifted, moving as if to stand up.

Daniel startled at that - he still hadn’t fully processed that Wen was breaking up with him, and he was already leaving? Don’t go. That was what he wanted to say, but - wouldn’t it be terribly selfish of him to ask that? When staying was the one thing he was refusing to give Wen, himself? He tried to take a deep breath, but it ended up being a series of shallow ones instead. “I – okay,” he said instead, barely audible. There was something new in Wen’s expression at that. Fresh disappointment? Had he been hoping Daniel would change his mind and decide that no, he would stick around in Freyew? Then the shift in expression was gone, and Daniel decided he must have imagined it. 

Wen stood up. “I’ll… see you around, I guess.” 

not now not now not now.

those were the only thoughts bianca had when she had found out she was pregnant. she had always dreamed of being a mother one day, giving a child a better life than she had, maybe giving a child a father, something she never had.

but not now.

she wasn’t ready. she couldn’t do this. she was irresponsible. she was reckless. she was in fucking college! she had no form of income. she had nothing to give to a child.

i want you. i do. but not now.

at this point, she was around three months pregnant. a human had been growing inside her for three months. it made her wanna cry, that thought alone. it made her wanna die, the thought that she couldn’t have this child.

not now.

every time she had seen eli, she had wanted to tell him. maybe she could cry in front of him, let him comfort her. but she had come to the conclusion he couldn’t know. it would only make this harder for her. and it was already hard enough.

i’m so sorry. i love you so much.

at the sight of a possible bump when she looked in the mirror, bianca had decided. today was the day. the day she said goodbye to what could have been. but what couldn’t be. she cried all morning, holding her stomach, wishing things were different. wishing things were better, so she could bring this child into the world.

i promise i love you. i promise.

her face was stone cold on the ride to the clinic. her taxi driver tried speaking with her, but she swiftly put headphones in her ears and tuned him out. she couldn’t go on talking with her driver like everything was normal. like everything was okay. nothing was okay.

it’s not your time. i’m so sorry.

entering the clinic, she almost threw up from anxiety, running to the nearest rubbish bin. a nurse came and calmed her, rubbing her back, helping her to a seat. then she sat there alone, waiting to rid herself of something- someone whom she loved so dearly.

i can’t give you what you deserve. not now.

bianca’s name was called and she followed the doctor. he was talking, talking through the procedure, but she heard none of it. she was lost. her emotions were on the fritz and she was simply trying to remember how to fucking breathe.

you don’t want this version of me as your mother.

now she was sitting back on an uncomfortable chair, her legs spread open. she knew the position well, but not like this. this was something she had never experienced, never wanted to experience, and a tear slid down her cheek as she closed her eyes and pretended she was up in the clouds with what could have been.

i’m so sorry, i know eli would have loved you, too.

she got re-dressed, her body numb at this point. her child was gone. because of her. she knew it had been the right thing to do, but that didn’t make it hurt any less.

goodbye, sweetie. you are loved.

leaving the clinic, she called herself a taxi. she was silent the entire ride back. she didn’t say a word, didn’t make a sound. it wasn’t until she was back in her room that she cried out in pain, clutching her stomach, sobbing.

Wind whipped Anders’ face as he headed home after a long day of classes, the February Wisconsin air making his cheeks burn and his eyes water as he rounded the corner onto State Street. It was Tuesday, which meant practice at 6AM, classes at 8:30, 11:15, and 1:30, followed by workouts, tutoring and then another night class. Needless to say, he was exhausted, and as always, hungry. With a quick stop at Chipotle on the way home, Anders arrived back to his apartment at 9:30, ready to spend a chill date night with his girlfriend, Anne. 

No matter the stressor, whether it was hockey or school or family, Anne was always the perfect answer. One of the sweetest, funniest, kindest and most talented girls Anders had ever met, it was easy to see why he was so taken with her. She was the kind of girl that you took home to meet mom, the one that you envision a future with, the one that always impresses whoever she meets and makes the people around her better, and he couldn’t wait to wind down his day by spending some alone time with her.

Anders shivered as he unlocked his door, immediately heading for his room to add an extra layer of clothes and grab a blanket before settling in on the couch to eat his dinner. A text from Anne indicated she’d be along in 20 minutes, having to finish up a last minute paper before spending the night with him. Ders turned on the TV while he waited, mindlessly watching a re-run of MTV’s College Life as he ate, downing the entire burrito in less than five minutes. 

A few minutes later there was a small knock on the door as Anne let herself in, looking beautiful as ever, bundled up in her winter coat and hat, cheeks pink and chapped from the wind. “Hey beautiful,” Anders grinned, leaning in to kiss her as she sat down next to him, her return kiss rather bored and noncommittal, the look in her eye indicating mild annoyance. “How’s the paper coming?” he asked, taking in her body language that clearly indicated she didn’t want him touching her. “Fine,” she replied, avoiding eye contact and instead turning towards the TV as she removed her winter gear. What the hell? Anders thought to himself. Is she mad at me? What for? They sat for the next ten minutes in silence, the TV still highlighting various debaucherous things their classmates did on Tuesday nights, Anders mentally going through every interaction from the last week, trying to figure out what was wrong.

When the show ended, Ders turned to Anne, hoping that maybe some cuddling would do her some good. Papers were stressful, he knew that. It was probably just school that was bothering her, right? With a big smile on his face, he shifted his body, pulling Anne’s into his chest, playfully kissing her face. “Stop it, Ders,” she snapped trying to pull away. “Stop it!” she yelled again, freeing herself from his grip as if his touch disgusted her. “Anne, babe, what’s wrong? Did I do something? Tell me what’s up, please?” he asked, her reaction stinging him deeply. “It’s nothing,” she murmured, keeping her head down. “It’s not nothing,” he replied softly. Anne sat there staring at him for a moment, her facial expression a mix of sad and irritated, her fingers playing with her necklace, a tell-tale tick that something was bothering her. “We need to talk about us,” she said finally. 

Those simple words cut through Anders like a knife. He knew what was coming, and it wasn’t going to be pretty. Tears filled his eyes as confusion filled his face. “W-w-what d-do you m-mean? W-what did I d-do?” he whimpered, his eyes panicked. “I think we should break up, Ders,” she said quietly, avoiding eye contact with him. Immediately, the tears began streaming down his face, his breathing staggered and shallow. “Anne, why?!” he wailed, reaching out to touch her, her body moving to avoid his hands. “I love you, we l-love each other. W-we were just talking ab-bout s-spening a weekend in Door County t-together on S-Sunday. Why would you do this?” he added as the pain continued to build. “I...,” she paused, thinking over her statement before she said it. “I just don’t love you anymore,” she murmured. Instantly, it felt as though the world had completely tipped, everything coming crashing down around Anders at once. “Anne, b-baby, please. Tell m-me w-what I did wr-wrong. I can f-fix it. I’m s-sorry!” he continued to wail, and she stood up and began putting on her coat again, making a move for the door. “Anne!” he yelled after her, following her as she walked to the front door. “Please,” he whispered desperately. “I love you. I want a life with you in it!” he wept, her face remaining unchanged. “I’m sorry,” she said simply, closing the door behind her. 

Anders felt dizzy and sick as he stumbled his way back to the couch, clutching his churning stomach. He searched his mind again for anything he could have done to make Anne sad or angry at him, going over small details repeatedly, obsessively in his head. “What did I do? What did I do?” he whispered over and over again between the tears, his body now horizontal. He tried calling Anne’s phone a dozen times, but it proved futile as she red-buttoned him on every single one, his 20 or so texts also going unanswered. The night very quickly became a long one, Ders finally crying himself out as his feelings went from shock, horror and sadness to emptiness and devastation. The girl of his dreams breaking up with him was one thing, the girl of his dreams breaking up with him with no explanation at all, was another.

D-day had happened what seemed like years ago, it was mere months. Time that went by in quick spurts of hiding, survival, and traveling. But he had Ceres, and they had Callista. Whatever the world threw at them, they were able to survive it. They looked out for one and other, established code language, and in the darkness, the quiet darkness, they shared jokes and stories. Sure, life had been better before D-Day, but as long as they had each other, Quinn knew they could survive anything. 

They’d faced some close calls, getting out of the city, making sure Callista was safe between them as they hid in a little shed. He had carried her around more times than he could count, just to hide her away from folks who seemed to think they needed to replace their lost children.

Those first months had been chaos, loothers, violence, anything that had him run for the hills with his wife and child over his shoulders. He couldn’t really cary them, but he would to the end of the world just to ensure they were safe. Ceres had the same feeling. Callista probably as well, though some days she could barely walk. Whenever a new safe house appeared, they would keep a good eye on her as they put her with other children. She shared the toys, played as if nothing was the matter, as if they weren’t likely to move again tomorrow. 

So much moving had Ceres crazy, there was little time for them to be in each other’s company without anyone else around them. Even tracking from one place to an other they were in company of fellow survivors. They shared few stories those first few months, much was left unspoken. Callista especially had questions, most about family and friends who she hadn’t seen since they left the city. But they couldn’t answer for their safety, they just ensured her that they would forever be together. 

It seemed they had lied. 

One cold November week, they had settled in a small empty farm house, with a few men to guard them. Quinn had been among them, holding a hunting rifle with only one shot left, and having no idea how to use it. He had four hours on watch, then he could return to his family. Ceres would stay with Callista tonight, but some other nights she too stood guard. It felt better having one of them participating in the guarding, especially since they felt they could trust very few other people. 

He returned at three in the morning, tired and wary, placing his arm around Ceres’ shoulders. She wasn’t sleeping either. 

“Do we move on tomorrow?” she asked. She had given him the job to warm up to the leader of their group, find out what the plans were. He was good at listening. 

“No, day after, scouts found a farm nearby. It’s in better condition, we could try and use the land for food,” he paused. “Don’t want to wake her,” he whispered pointing at their daughter. “We’ll talk in the morning.” 

Ceres didn’t even have time to sigh before sounds from outside got their attention. Quinn jumped up right away, walking to the door, while Ceres lifted Callista from the floor, who woke up slowly knowing the sound of danger too well. 

Quinn pointed at the door, and watched more of them wake up as well. He opened the doorknob slightly, trying to figure out where the sound came from. He made the space between the door and the frame small enough for him to crawl through, and kept his ears sharp as he moved forward. He had to give the hunting rifle to the next person, but still carried a base ball bat with him, feeling like a brave protagonist in a horror movie. 

Suddenly a bang sounded to his left, and he jumped to the wall, shards of glass flying into the hallway from one of the empty rooms. Shouts sounded to his right, the hunting rifle went off, and he knew it was serious. There was a moment where every sense he had stood sharp, every muscle in his body was ready to fight for his family. 

A second bang went off, and Quinn was alarmed by the shouts from the room where he had left Ceres and Callista. he turned around quickly, and ran back into the room, finding the door more ajar than he had left it. He opened the door, and then felt someone push heavily against his back, making him loose his balance and fall forward. He quickly tried to climb up, but the one who did the pushing, was ready to kick him in the stomach as well. He heard Ceres scream his name. There was something strange about the way he was pushed, the way the kick was dealt. It was stronger than he imagined someone kicking. He had heard the rumors, but had never seen one up close. 

Infected. 

“Quin!” Ceres screamed again. 

From the corner of his eye he saw her protecting Callista, and two other children. A man was standing near her, almost next to her, and she didn’t notice. There was an other man there as well. 

Quinn tried to get up, but whenever he did, an other kick hit him in the stomach, or against his shoulder, or anywhere near. He saw Ceres fighting as well, as the looters began dragging her away from the children. They were all searched. The children were crying, but not Callista, she was strong. 

“Take your hands off of her!” Ceres broke free from the clutches of her attacker and as soon as she was out of reach, ran to Callista. 

The man who had attacked Quinn, man or woman, he was too pained to look up, walked away from him towards mother and child. His ribs felt broken, his shoulder dislocated. But with the man moving away from him, Quinn found strength to stand up again. He flew to his feet and watched, helplessly, as the man - clearly a man now - punched his wife in her face, making her fly backwards against Callista and into the wall. Then the man turned to him, and with a single punch of inhuman strength, threw him back against the wall. 

He woke up what felt like hours later, but couldn’t have been more than minutes. People were crying around him, some of the women had left the room, the looters had disappeared. 

Quinn saw Ceres in the corner, still in the same corner. He crawled there on his hand and feet, and the closer he got, the better he heard her words. 

“Wake up, Call, please wake up. Callista, Cal!” 

She said it over and over again, as if the charm itself could make their daughter open her eyes. 

He didn’t even have to see her to feel his heart break. He reached her with barely a breath to spare to cry out. She was laying in her mother’s arms, eyes closed, mouth slightly open, as if a breath could still pass between them. But although she looked asleep, no words her mother said could wake her up again. No amount of crying could save her. 

He wouldn’t be able to accept it in his heart what his mind already knew: she was gone. His little girl, she was gone. So fragile, so innocent, killed by people who fought with powers they couldn’t understand nor match. 

They buried her in the field, no more than a meter deep, because they couldn’t get through the icy ground. No sign to mark it, just the clear sign of shuffled ground, which would disappear soon enough. 

They left the group together the day after, not able to spend their time around the children there, about the women who felt sorry for them, and the men who told them it was all part of their new life. 

Bianca walked quickly down the street, her feet guiding her forward at a rapid pace. She had spent last night sleeping on a bench in a park. But not really sleeping, she couldn’t sleep out in the open like that. She wasn’t safe, she’d never feel safe, and she knew that. But now she was running on no sleep and was falling asleep standing up. She needed a place to crash- but she had no one. She was alone, like her aunt had always told her she’d be. No friends. No family. On her own. She should’ve known that she could only ever count on herself, that she should never put her trust in others. Every one was out for themselves, selfish pieces of shit. Her heart should be made of stone at this point, or not exist at all.

Finding the place she was looking for, the curly haired beauty walked up to the disheveled front door, flickering neon signs hanging in the front window sadly, half of them not even working. About to push open the front door, an older man missing one of his front teeth reached out and grabbed her upper arm, “How much for you to suck me off, sweet cheeks?” Bianca ripped her arm from his grip, scowling at him, “You could never afford me, pig.” She angrily pushed open the front door of the motel, walking up to the front desk, “One room for the night, please.” She pulled out the small amount of money she had in her pocket, handing over money for the room in exchange for a key. Thanking the man at the front desk, she made her way to her room, unlocking the door and quickly disappearing inside. She dropped her bag onto the floor, a bag that contained everything she owned. All she fucking had. Lifting her eyes, she looked around the dingy room. It was dark, smelled of dust and mold, the bed had discolored sheets and a stained comforter, and the oldest tv she’d ever seen sat on a dust covered stand. Sighing, she dragged herself into the bathroom, an old, ripped shower curtain hanging over a dirty bathtub. She groaned, turning the knob of the shower to start it. Water sputtered out of the head before an unsteady, pathetic stream of water rushed out. Undressing, Bianca tentatively stepped into the shower.

The water ran over her body. Placing her head under the stream, she let it soak her curls down. As she stood there, out of nowhere, tears started to mix with the shower water. Before she knew it, her forehead was pressed against the wall and Bianca was sobbing. She hadn’t cried in years, but it all came flooding out now. Her shoulders shook violently and her cries echoed off the walls of the bathroom. The loneliness hurt, it was more painful than she imagined. The fact that no one cared, no one would ever understand her pain, the fact that she had no one, nothing, nowhere to go in this world hit her and knocked the breath from her lungs. She didn’t deserve this. She didn’t deserve to be abandoned by her family. She didn’t deserve to be raped by Vince. She didn’t deserve to be labeled the whore. She didn’t deserve to be treated like a whore. But that’s all she was to people, that’s all she’d ever be.

Carefully, Liv kissed her way down to Anna’s chest, not having to glance up to know she was doing a good job. Before coming here, she had never slept with a woman. Maybe kissed a couple, but the times she had had sex were when she was drunk and a boy shoved his hand down her pants out of his own selfish need. They didn’t turn her on, boys. That was a well known fact the second she kissed one for the first time and ended up wanting to spit in his face. Anna was clearly experienced, though, and the first go around was more her showing Liv just what to do to please her. This time was better. This time there was heavy breathing and sweaty bodies pressing as close together as possible, trying to become one, and fingers tracing over sides and between legs and feeling nearly god damn magical, or so Liv thought.

They had taken turns quieting each other, clamping hands over mouths to silence the little moans and squeaks and whimpers that threatened to slip between fingers, but it was no use. Just as Liv was dipping past Anna’s navel, about to hit the sweet spot, the door was flung open and someone was shouting something about a code blue, or black, or red, whatever it was. It probably looked like, from their view, that Liv was forcing herself onto Anna- she was on top, hands on Anna’s wrists to keep them to the bed, getting closer and closer to the place between her sighs. Before she could mutter out more than a fuck and give Anna a ‘what the fuck have we done?’ look, a large arm was wrapping around her naked waist, pulling her back and up off the other girl. Like always, Liv hadn’t realized the consequences her actions were going to have. It was pure impulse, pure recklessness, the adrenaline that came with sneaking around making it that much more fun. “Get the fuck off of me!” She bellowed, arms raining down upon the larger one to get as many hits in as she could before she was inevitably restrained. There were already other hands coming at her, though- nurses to try to hold her arms still, her legs still, her head still. At least she wasn’t ashamed of nudity- it was hard to be, when every bath you took was monitored by a nurse sitting at your side and other patients only a few feet away.

“I swear to fuck- I swear-” She started to laugh, unable to believe this was really happening, mostly because a nurse was rushing to Anna’s side to see if she was okay. If anyone was a better manipulator than her, it was Anna, and within two seconds the other girl had slipped into innocent victim mode. “You fucking bitch- you- if you blame me for this, you cunt- let me go!” Her arms were being yanked into a straight jacket, one of the worse forms of confinement, but since her legs were still flying, it wasn’t enough. “Don’t you dare fucking lie, Anna! You wanted this, too! You conniving little snake, just you wait- you- you...” 

The needle in her neck made her tongue thick, and she lulled her head back, not passed out but not  awake enough to speak or move on her own. One nurse was pulling pants up and over her hips, muttering something about this being a disgrace, and the male nurse that was holding her pulled her out and back to one of the hospital-esque rooms. Patients had all come out of their rooms to see what was with the screeching, all sort of automatically knowing as soon as they saw Liv being dragged from Anna’s room. It wasn’t rare that Liv got sedated and carried off after one of her fits, but the fact that it was out of Anna’s room in the dead of night was what made it interesting.

The two had been inseparable lately. More than once had Anna- or Liv- stepped in to whisper a quiet threat into the ear of whoever it was caught them getting handsy in the back of the library, or tiptoeing out of their rooms to sneak down to Liv’s little hangout spot. They ruled the place, the others knew not to mess with either queens, not when one had a sharp tongue and the other wasn’t afraid of violence.

The jacket was removed and replaced with a gown, her wrists instead strapped to each side of the bed. It was solely so she couldn’t get up and move, try to run, until they could figure out what the hell to do with her. The sedation had at least bought her some time, with Liv being unable to communicate through it, and it was during that time that an idea sprung into one of the head doctor’s heads.

“Olivia,” He said, softly, to try to lull her from the haze the medicine had left her in, hand brushing messy hair from her sticky forehead. It wasn’t until his hand slid from her head, down her side, did she really focus on him, though. “It’s morning, the sun is up so that means you, along with everyone else, is, too. Quite the incident a few hours ago, hm? At least we now know yet another condition you have to conquer, you should have told us much sooner. We could have started treatment weeks ago.”

Silently, as if not to draw his attention, Liv tried to slip her hands from the restraints, her eyes drifting down to the hand of his that was resting on her hip. She had never seen any doctor rest their hand in such a place on any other patient and alarm bells were going off in her head. Of course, she didn’t show it. She couldn’t show it. She couldn’t show him fear, she had to play along until she could talk herself out of this situation. “Treatment? What, you gonna treat me, Doctor? With your cock?” The words were whispered, slurred and thick, and she leaned up from the bed to get closer to him. “Let my hands go, and I’ll treat you however you want. Scout’s honour.” The gentle face turned into a snarl and in a moment, his hand was moving from her hip to her neck, squeezing hard as he slammed her head back down into the pillow. She stiffened, straightening out as much as she could, while looking at him. Not with wide eyes, she made sure of that. “What? You want me to fear you? Is that what you get off on? Too God damn bad, Sweetie.”

Stepping into The W Hotel felt like stepping into that one familiar place, like stepping into another house because upon her arrival the people straightened up and greeted her, after all they all know who she is, Katherine Amelia White. After Logan decided to become a lawyer and on the fast track to become a partner, Katherine becomes the heiress of The W Group, which is why her parents coming onto her so hard, trying to make her come home and leave the lifestyle she’s living right now.

With a small smile towards the staff, she walked right to the private elevator for the penthouse, getting in and tapping the key card so the elevator would bring her to her mother’s room. 

As the door opened, she stepped into the luxurious and beautiful room, dreading for whatever her mother wants to talk to her about. She stopped when she saw her mother sitting on the couch, sipping her afternoon tea while reading an art magazine, “Mother,” she said coldly, announcing her present. There’s a reason why Katherine only ever referred to her mother with that, because it felt almost like a title, she didn’t feel any connection with the woman to call her ‘Mom’ or something else that might indicate a closeness. 

The woman didn’t say anything until she finished what she was reading, “Are you going to stand there forever?” she asked with the same kind of coldness Katherine grew accustomed to her whole life. Turning from her magazine slightly, she frowned seeing Katherine, “What clothes are you wearing? And didn’t I tell you to get that scar taken care of?” she pointed to the faint and very small scar above Katherine’s eyebrow from her accident. Usually she can covered it pretty well with make up, but after the whole day being out, she hadn’t checked on it again.

Dropping her bag on the table near there, she walked to the couch and sat on the other couch across from Natasha, “I’m here now, what do you want?” Katherine asked bluntly.

Slowly, Natasha closed her magazine and took her reading glasses off, looking at Katherine, “No need to sound so contempt, Katherine,” she said to her daughter, “I arranged a meeting for you, his name is Oliver, he’s the son of one of your father’s business partner, it’s for tonight at Balzac 8 pm, don’t be late,” she said in disregard of Katherine’s expression and even before Katherine could say anything she gave her oldest daughter a look, “I expect that you will be in your best behavior, act like a White supposed to act, do not embarrassed me again, Katherine. Your father and I were very disappointed with how you treated Neal,” she said again, “And it is time for you to come home to Wilmington, play time is over. You can’t possibly keep doing this silly charade of parading yourself wearing those clothes in those silly social media, crying for attention, that is not how someone like you should act. You’re the heiress of this company, you need to start act like it. No more parties, no more random guys, and no more of your silly blogging, and most certainly no wedding, not without us knowing who he is, and who is his family, his job, is he worthy enough,...” Natasha kept talking while Katherine sat down, fuming and ready to explode.

Without letting her mother finished her lecture, Katherine stood up, “You’re fucking unbelievable!” she almost yelled.

“Katherine Amelia White! Watch your mouth and sit down!” Natasha raised her voice as well, but that didn’t deter Katherine at all.

“No, you listen to me. I am so done with this. You thought I come here to New York to try on a wedding dress and yet you still manage to set me up with one of dad’s business partner’s son?! Are you kidding me?! Your first reaction to your daughter getting married is to ruin it by finding some other man for her? What is wrong with you?” Katherine started to walk back and forth trying to got all of her frustration out. “And I never asked to be the heiress, to inherit this company, I don’t want it! I never want it. But you never ever think about what I want or what Logan wants or what Emma and Jamie wants, you only ever think about what you want, and let me tell you this is a very clear way, I don’t want the company,” she spelled out the last sentence loud and clear, “And the thing you called “charade”,” she paused as she air-quoted the word, “It’s my work, it’s what I do and I love doing it and I can live with the money I make. You can check on those credit cards, I didn’t use a penny of your money anymore and I feel free,” Katherine shouted before she sat down, defeated and sad, this always happened whenever they see each other.

Katherine looked at her mother again, some part of her still longed that feeling of being close to her mother, but something always blocking their way and it pained her more than anything.

“Don’t be silly. You can’t possibly think you will do this forever, whatever it is you’re doing. It’s a child’s play and you’re an adult, start acting like one. You’ve always been the difficult one, but I thought you’ll finally come to your senses and stop playing around and acting like a stupid little child!” Natasha shook her head, she kept her cold demeanor even to react to her daughter’s outburst. “This company is your responsibility, you can’t run from it, Katherine. I only wants what’s best for you, why can’t you see it?”

As she massaged her temple from the headache that came to her, she looked at her mother once more, “Don’t pretend that you care about me. You only care about yourself and the family image,” she shook her head, “You didn’t even come to see me when I had an accident! You never asked me how I’m doing, you never asked me if I’m happy... Can’t you see that I’m finally happy now? Can’t you see that for the first time I feel like I’m living my own life? That I feel like I can be myself? Do you even care about any of that? Please mom,” she paused, “Just stop trying to make me someone I’m not. You’ve done that my whole life, but I have my own life now, can’t you just please let me be happy?” she asked with sadness in her face and as she saw her mother, she didn’t seem like she understand what she was talking about at all.

“And for the wedding dress, you can relax, it’s not for me,” she told her with a defeated sigh, “It’s for my friend, I’m not getting married. But please, stop trying to arranged a marriage with those men you kept sending me, I will not go out with any of them or get married to them to unite the families like some kind of business merger. That’s not how I want to get married. I want to find that someone myself, I want to fall in love, I want to be with someone I really want...” she tried to let her mother understand, but instead Natasha laughed, “Don’t be ridiculous. Love is stupid, you don’t need love, you need power. And those men are the men we approve for you because they will be good for our company. Marriage is not about love, Katherine. Don’t be naive. Beside, you can’t get a man on your own, I’m just helping you,” Natasha said with a shrug of her shoulder.

Katherine stood up from the couch with mixed feelings inside her. Sadness, anger, contempt. “I don’t want to end up like you and dad,” she spat bitterly, “And I have someone. The only one who’s always been there for me even though we only know each other for a short time. And we’re serious, so you can stop trying to set me up with whoever, I won’t go anymore. I have someone and he makes me so happy,” she didn’t mean to tell her mother all of that, she was supposed to keep Zachary away from her parents as long as possible, but she just couldn’t keep hearing her mother. “I’m going to go now, I’ll be going back to Denver tomorrow and I won’t go to the date you arranged for tonight.”

“Who is he?” Natasha asked, “If your life is so amazing and you’re so happy and he’s so wonderful as you said, then I want to meet him. Your father and I will be visiting Denver sometimes this month and I expect to see you and your...” she paused, not wanting to say boyfriend, “friend. Someone will contact you when we’ll be visiting,” Natasha told Katherine before picking up her magazine again, “That’s all,” she said almost dismissively to her own daughter.