Self Para 1
Date: June 7th, 2018 Age: 19 Location: Village of Freyew, LyâLorâKe Description: How Daniel's first relationship ended. The ex: Wenfrin âWenâ Zov (fc: Luke Hemmings, but specifically Luke Hemmings with this general kind of vibe https://static.wikia.nocookie.net/5sos/images/2/29/Such_wow.jpg/revision/latest/smart/width/250/height/250?cb=20150617084933 . Ignore all other Luke Hemmings stuff, I donât know the guy) Accompanying song: Midnight Rain - Taylor Swift (Midnights)
The gentle snore coming from the head resting on his shoulder told Daniel that he was now the only person watching the film. That was alright. He knew that Wenfrin had only agreed to watch it because it would make him happy; musicals werenât really his boyfriendâs thing. He also knew that Wenâd had a busy afternoon tending to crops. Danielâs afternoon had been just as busy with the same, so he knew firsthand how tiring it could be. So he wasnât really upset, just the tiniest bit disappointed at another date night where it had been his turn to pick the activity, and Wen dozed off during the film he picked - or used it as background for chatting, or to make out to. Not that he could really be upset about any of those, either. He liked talking to his boyfriend, and everything else they got up to together during movies. It would be nice if they could really watch a movie together every once in a while, too, but he didnât quite know how to ask for that without making it sound like he was unhappy, when he wasnât. For now though, he reckoned he ought to pause the film so that he could let Wen rest, and watch the rest on his own later. Except that when he paused the film, the snoring stopped and the weight of Wenâs head on his shoulder lifted. Whoops.
âSorry, did I doze off?â Wen asked as he shifted slightly away from Daniel to stretch his arms, then settled back in again. He glanced at now-paused paused movie, then back to Daniel again. âWe can keep watching, if you like.â
Daniel considered his options, then shook his head. âNo, thatâs alright. It is getting a little late - probably wonât have time to finish it anyway. We can leave it off,â he suggested, trying to push away that little disappointed feeling that came again at Wen looking relieved. He had every right to not want to watch a movie right now, Daniel reminded himself.Â
âIf youâre sure,â Wen answered, tail end of the sentence trailing off into a yawn as he settled back into his boyfriendâs arms, a small furrow appearing between his brows. âSorry Iâve been so tired lately - fieldworkâs been taking a lot out of me.â
âItâs alright, I know how this time of year is,â Daniel allowed, carding his fingers through the leaves atop Wenâs head.Â
âStill, itâll be worth it come harvest. I heard the councilâs considering doing something extra for the harvest festival this year if the yieldâs high. Which it will be,â Wen enthused, appearing to come out of his sleepiness somewhat at the prospect of something exciting.Â
Daniel felt a small pang at that, the reminder of a time in the not too terribly distant future when life in this little town would go on without him, when Wen would be here without him. âYouâll have to tell me all about it,â he encouraged anyway, reminding himself that he was going to have to get used to missing harvest festivals and a whole lot more than that before too long.Â
âWhat dâyou mean?â Wen asked, evidently confused - which in turn had Daniel confused.
âErm - I mean⌠Iâd like to hear about it?â Daniel answered uncertainly, suddenly worried that the issue had been him saying Wen âhadâ to tell him about it, which was more a figure of speech than anything else. âSorry, I didnât mean - itâd be really nice if you felt up to telling me about it, but I sâpose I could always hear about it from someone else?â He didnât think the harvest festival was a particularly sensitive subject, though. Did that just mean that Wen wasnât going to want to tell him anything at all, come that time of year? Oh no, was that what Wen meant?Â
âThat isnât -â Wen cut off, still looking pretty confused. He began again. âWhat Iâm wondering is, why would you need someone to tell you about it? Wouldnât you be able to just see it for yourself?â
Oh⌠oh no. Daniel just stared for a moment as the panic rose, unable to make sense of the situation or find the words to talk through it. He hadnât forgotten to tell Wen that he was planning on leaving town when he came of age, had he? No, that was stupid, he definitely hadnât forgotten to mention it. Heâd known Wen for ages, and heâd been one of the first people heâd told when heâd made up his mind. Heâd brought it up since then too of course, plenty of times - though he hadnât mentioned it much lately, because heâd seen how sad Wen seemed to get when he brought it up. Which was understandable; he wasnât exactly looking forward to being far away from his boyfriend either. Would they even be boyfriends at that point? They hadnât talked about it. Oh, no. Was Wen planning on cutting off contact? Is that why heâd been confused about talking about the harvest festival? Wait, no, Wen had literally just said the part he was wondering about was why he would need someone to tell him about it. Which again, didnât make sense, because Daniel had definitely mentioned his plans of leaving town once he came of age. âWen⌠the festivalâs weeks after my birthday,â Daniel reminded his boyfriend gently, having come to the conclusion that that was the piece that Wen must have forgotten. That was a little disappointing, but he told himself not to get worked up about it. It was just a day; anyone could forget.Â
âRight, I know that,â Wen assured him, still looking confused, until â he pulled back, sitting up straight to look at Daniel head on. âHang on, do you mean to say⌠are you still planning on â on leaving?â
Daniel hadnât been expecting that at all. Not the question, and certainly not the hurt expression on Wenâs face as he asked it. âI, well â yes,â Daniel replied hesitantly, still pretty confused. Why wouldnât he be leaving? It had been a couple months since heâd brought it up, sure. But only because it seemed like it wasnât something Wen wanted to hear about. âI⌠I told you I was planning to, didnât I? And, erm - I never changed my mind and said I wasnât going toâŚ?â
âBut you didnât mention it when I asked you out,â Wen protested. Perhaps he saw how that failed to clear up the confusion in Danielâs expression, because he deflated a little, and added in a quieter voice, âI just⌠I donât know. I guess when you said yes, I⌠I just thought you might have decided to stay. For us?â
âI⌠whatâŚ?â It was taking a moment for Daniel to catch up to that train of thought. It did occur to him that he probably should have said something more than that, but his mind was still reeling too much to work out what. He wanted to be a performer, a dancer. That was always what heâd wanted ever since heâd known what that was. It hadnât taken him much longer to work out that there wasnât exactly much need for dancers in Freyew - as much as he loved his family and friends, he would have to leave them to live someplace else if he was going to stand a chance of making that dream come true. Heâd liked Wen for ages, and yes, it was bittersweet that they had less than a year to be together in the same place, but it had genuinely never occurred to him to put his plans on hold. If he was understanding this right, it seemed the concept had not just occurred to Wen, but had been deemed the most likely outcome. Which⌠what? Heâd already said that though. âSorry, I just⌠I like you, a lot. But I canât - I canât just stay put because weâre⌠I canât stay here for you.â This felt very obvious to Daniel, and yet he felt just terrible as he was saying it. Obvious to him as it was, and as clear as he thought he had made it to Wen that he was leaving town when he came of age, it had clearly been far from obvious to his boyfriend. It was sort of hard to look at Wen now, actually, guilty as he felt for the expression on his boyfriendâs face. But looking down would be even worse, when it was his fault Wen was looking like that - and not saying anything either, Daniel was quick to notice, though he forced himself to be patient and let Wen collect his thoughts.Â
â... Oh,â was all Wen said after several moments, looking away from Daniel and down at the floor as he spoke.
That⌠wasnât a lot for Daniel to go on. What did âohâ mean? He waited several beats longer for Wen to elaborate, trying to keep his panic at bay all the while. âOh?â he finally repeated, a question in his tone as well as his gaze - as if that would make Wen look at him again, somehow.Â
Whether the question was what prompted it or not, his boyfriend did look at him again after another moment. âI donât know what else you want me to say. I mean, where does this leave us?â Wen finally asked.
âWell, my birthday isnât for months, still,â Daniel answered, slightly confused. It was four months out still - almost five. Not all the time in the world, but enough that he was a little confused why Wen was asking where it left them right now.Â
âRight, but youâre leaving right after that,â Wen answered, sounding rather stressed. âI just mean - did you think I was going to come with you? That we would be long distance? Were you just planning on dumping me?â
âErm ââ Right, Daniel felt absolutely horrible now. âErm â I mean. It would be lovely if you wanted to come along, but I wasnât expecting it. And, erm â sort of the same for long distance,â he admitted, getting progressively quieter as he spoke. âI â I was going to ask you what you wanted to do, but â you never seemed to want to talk about it, soâŚâ
âSo you were just going to leave one day without saying anything?â Wen asked. That⌠didnât feel like a fair question to Daniel, but the way Wen looked and sounded so distressed as he said it took priority.
âI wasnât - I mean - I was going to talk about it, I just. I thought you didnât want to talk about it yet, and⌠Iâm not leaving just yet, soâŚâ Daniel almost said again that his birthday wasnât for several months, but it didnât feel like that would help. He wanted to reach out to try and comfort Wen, too, but - based on the way he seemed to be gradually recoiling further even still, that probably wasnât the way to go. âI thought you just wanted to save it for later, so I was trying to respect that. I didnât⌠I didnât realize you didnât know it was a conversation that needed to be had at all,â he finished instead, mumbling a little towards the end. âBut, erm⌠we can talk about it now?â
âI donât know what there is to talk about,â Wen answered after several painfully long seconds. âYouâre leaving, and Iâm staying here. And I donât see how a long distance relationship would work⌠unless youâre planning on moving back at some point?â
There was a little hope in Wenâs eyes at that last part, it looked like. Daniel hated to snuff it out, and his thoughts raced for something, anything that might make this better. âIâd be back to visit, but⌠no, I donât plan on moving back,â he admitted. He wasnât quite able to look Wen in the eye as he said it, which only made him feel all the worse. He really was a rubbish boyfriend, wasnât he? He chewed at the edge of his lip.
âRight, then - I suppose Iâm not sure what weâre doing,â Wen finally said when he spoke up again, sounding rather defeated.Â
That got Daniel to look at him again. It was feeling rather hard to breathe suddenly, and Daniel had to remind himself that he very much needed to do that. Even if it sounded like⌠was Wen breaking up with him? âWhat⌠what do you mean?â
âI mean - Iâm staying here, and youâre moving away in a few months. What are weâŚâ Wen paused, took a deep breath, and continued. âWhy are we together, if youâre just going to leave?â
Breathing normally wasnât getting any easier. âW-well, Iâm here now? And we - I really like you⌠and you told me you like me too?â Danielâs answer sounded rather like a question.
âBut thatâs not enough,â came Wenâs immediate reply. Daniel couldnât help but flinch back at that. Perhaps Wen decided that had been too harsh, because he sighed - though he still looked rather upset as he continued. âI just mean - yeah, I like you. But if this canât go anywhere, I donât⌠I donât think it makes sense to keep seeing each other.â
Oh. âOh,â was all Daniel managed to say, feeling rather small. Sounding rather small too, most likely. He opened his mouth again, though to say what he wasnât sure. That he was here now, and would be for several months still? Wen already knew that. He closed his mouth again, then opened it. âI, erm - are you breaking up with me?â His vision was starting to blur, he realized - oh no, he couldnât start crying. Later, certainly, but not while Wen was breaking up with him. He attempted to blink the tears away, but it didnât work. Why wasnât it working?
âI donât want to break up with you. But if you arenât going to stay, then⌠yeah, I think I am.âÂ
âOh.â Oh no, Daniel had already said that. He probably sounded so stupid right now, repeating himself. But he might as well sound stupid, seeing as he was an idiot for leading Wen on. He hadnât thought that was what heâd been doing, even in the slightest. Part of him still felt compelled to point out that he wasnât leaving for several months yet, but he pushed that urge back - clearly, it didnât matter. âIâm - Iâm sorry.â Suddenly he could see more clearly, and he realized that was because the tears that had been filling his eyes had spilled over. No, no no no no, he wasnât supposed to cry right now. He wiped the tears away quickly, as if that would make up for crying in the first place.Â
âYeah⌠me too,â Wen said quietly. Maybe it was Danielâs imagination, but it looked like his eyes were wetter than usual, too - oh no, he didnât want to make Wen cry, but - oh, too late. âIâd better get goingâŚâ Wen shifted, moving as if to stand up.
Daniel startled at that - he still hadnât fully processed that Wen was breaking up with him, and he was already leaving? Donât go. That was what he wanted to say, but - wouldnât it be terribly selfish of him to ask that? When staying was the one thing he was refusing to give Wen, himself? He tried to take a deep breath, but it ended up being a series of shallow ones instead. âI â okay,â he said instead, barely audible. There was something new in Wenâs expression at that. Fresh disappointment? Had he been hoping Daniel would change his mind and decide that no, he would stick around in Freyew? Then the shift in expression was gone, and Daniel decided he must have imagined it.Â
Wen stood up. âIâll⌠see you around, I guess.âÂ
It seemed like he was lingering a little, so Daniel stood up too. âI, erm - yeah, I can w-walk you out.â Courtesy was running on autopilot, it seemed, even if he was too overwhelmed and upset to make the offer without stammering. Was it even a good thing to offer? Walking Wen to the door just meant they would both see each other crying for longer, and even if he hadnât bolted for the door immediately, his now-ex was clearly in a hurry to be leaving. He walked with him anyway, though he didnât get the door - Wen was in such a rush that he had that covered, it seemed. âI â Iâm sorry.â There was a part of him that still felt like this wasnât his fault, that couldnât understand why Wen would break up with him just like that over something heâd thought heâd communicated months ago. But for the most part, he just felt like a horrible person.Â















