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Nothing lasts, but nothing is lost.Seek the lesson, and you will find yourself. • 1/7 in HongKong, in my room by myself at 1331 I did my very first D spiritual trip x I love myself • #hippiestyle #selflove #selfcare #selffinding #refreshing #clearmind #spiritmolecule https://www.instagram.com/p/CQxoA9rF-oJ/?utm_medium=tumblr
Anya is live and ready to show you everything. Watch her strip, dance, and perform exclusive shows just for you. Interact in real-time and make your fantasies come true.
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#ROUGHONLINE Editorial “Master Of His Soul” by @thelavrova exclusively for ROUGHONLINE. Model: Pavel RUSAKOV See more on www.rough-online.co.uk #masterofhissoul #rougheditorial #naturalpleasuresoflife #selffinding #lifestyleeditorial #photography #cadidphotography #pavelrusanov #roughdigital #roughmagazine https://www.instagram.com/p/Bqj3yP9FkOt/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=1kw79ufl1nsfh
Self-awareness/Selffinding/Losing Mind
I dont know what i want or who i am.Im lost at 90% of the time and stuck in empty lifeless moments and seeing my Life pass by like a robot with just camera eyes and no feelings. I like having these Feelings back and be full of Emotions.Its like a cage or prison. I seek something and dont find it. I want to know what! am i sick? whats wrong with me?! Im Losing my Mind and control of my Life, becoming a Lifeless Soul. i just feel dead mostly.
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hanya mampu menarik nafas sedalam mungkin kemudian menghembuskannya dengan perlahan walau terasa begitu sulit bagiku. terus dan terus aku mengulangi kegiatan itu tanpa aku sadari sebenarnya aku semakin sulit bernafas bukan semakin melegakan pernafasanku. tidak tau apa yang terjadi rasanya tubuh ini seperti tidak semestinya seperti ini. semakin sulit untuk bernafas, semakin berbeda dengan tubuhku…
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Journey to a better life ...PT.1
Afer a long reflection on my way of life , criticizing, self shaming , binge eating , i decided that i’ll start taking control over my life you know . Every time i eat some crappy junk food i feel bad not like ooh i want to be skinny kinda bad but like my body is feeling sick bad But i kept eating it idk why was it some kind of revenge on myself or wanting to fit in , or some other thing that i have no clue is (or maybe just hormones) Either way it is not how i want to spend the rest of my life and i don’t want to put any more junk and useless stuff in me any more Enough is enough . Clearly i am no health expert or anything but you know i’ve done my research so i think i got a grasp of the basic stuff. Note to self : no food is off limits cuz when i do that i binge more . They say being healthy is 80% food 20% exercise . Starting this journey with my hopes up for a better future. And i do hope that my mindset of what i eat changes Because what i think now is like ohh i am going to deprive myself from all this delicious food and become a herbivore i need to change that Plus cute workout cloths omg i find motivation in the stupidest stuff I am writing this as a forme of journal To keep my eyes on the goal and to my 21 followers i love all hahah jkjk No one is going to read this any way hahahhahha . And yeah i need to reserch some recepies with ingredients that we have in #algeria cuz boy oh boy the things i found and weren’t available here made me wanna live abriad more than i actually do hahah .
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Have you ever had an itch? An itch so bad that you would do whatever it took to get rid of it? Have you ever had a craving so severe you would drive all lengths just to satisfy that craving? Have you ever been in such a shit hole that you desperately search for any-way out?
Current situation.
I'm from Los Angeles, California. Born and Raised. Sometimes I don't know if this is a good thing or not. Sometimes yes, and sometimes... not so much. I've lived here all my life (okay, only 24 years...which is my whole life so far), and recently I've been getting more eager to leave. To get out of here. Let me correct that: to get the fuck out of here.
But why? You're so lucky to live in Los Angeles. Some people see it that way and others don't (I'm one of those "others"...although not 100%). Los Angeles is a love-hate city. I love it (because the weather is bomb) and I hate it (traffic and the people here are shit--no offense to close friends). I've been going through the gunner. I've been on a roller coaster. I've been in and out of doctors offices. I've been in and out of my head. Sometimes I'm here and other days I believe my head hitchhiked and left the rest of me behind.
I have an itch.
More like an irritating itch. Like a drag. Like a burn. Like... I don't know. Think of something thats really itchy, that kind of itch. Maybe like poision oak/ivy itchy. An itch so severe that I think I'm craving it. I'm craving to solve it.
What is it?
I want to move. (I know..."not again") But yes, again. But this time, not anywhere close. I want to get the fuck out of LA. (Yes, it's so serious I had to bold that word). I'm not a fan of LA. Or maybe I'm not a fan of the way my story is going as I live here.
It's 10:41PM; January 17, 2015. A Saturday Night.
I'm sitting in front of my little portable heater, although now it's not feeling too hot. It's getting a little...cold. Why? Because I just realized I had the heat option on "Low," ah. That's much better.
What am I doing on a Saturday night?
Raving? Nope. Drinking? Nope. Smoking? Nope, although that would be nice. Watching a movie? Nope. Talking on the phone? Nope. Texting? Nope, my phone is dry like a desert. Crying? Surprisingly not. Sitting on my couch? Nope. Sitting on the floor? Yes. With a pillow on my lap? Yes. With my laptop on it? Yes. On Safari, the internet? Yes. With a bunch of different apartment tabs open in Seattle? Yes. Huntington Beach too? Yes. Places that aren't in Los Angeles County? Absolutely.
Well, why?
They say the past is in the past. Well, that's not for all cases. Sometimes I feel my past knocking on my door. It's not a very nice knock. It's more like an, "Open the door or else!" ... or else what? I don't know. You'll fuck up any other future plans that I have(d)? Absolutely. Thank you, past. Thank you for that. Thank you for the awful memories that I've tried so hard to escape from. Thank you for the awful truth that I was (for a while) living with success. Thank you. I appreciate that.
So, now what?
I'm ready. I'm one of those people that puts their mind to something and goes for it. How? Haven't figured it out that much. But I'm thinking about it. Seattle is lovely. But it rains. That's true. You'll be cold. I'll get used to it. You'll be whiter than Casper. I'm already there. You'll leave your friends behind. I want to start new. So, forget your friends? No, not forget them. I'll always have them. But, start over for myself. What does that mean? It means I find myself in a city where I'm not forced to be the person everybody else wants me to be. Thats what I mean.
Los Angeles is fabulous, don't get me wrong.
But at the same time, I feel like I'm being suffocated. I have to be who everyone wants me to be. I have to be the "Emily" I was in elementary school. I have to be the person that everyone expects of me. If I do anything outside of that, then something is wrong with me. Severely.
I'm a people pleaser. i do whatever it takes to make anyone smile, even if it includes putting myself on the line. I'll do it. But, you know what happens when you do that for so long? You forget your own opinion. Not even forget your own opinion...you don't have one anymore because you've based the last 24 years of your life living off of everybody elses.
2015, new year. It's still January. Mid January, to be precise.
I'm ready. I want to go. I love my apartment in Brentwood, California. It's nice, cozy, (a steal for the area I'm in), my first real "home" that I stayed in for longer than a year. **A year and a half now. But, I don't love myself. And that's starting to be a problem.
I'm ready to go.
Sorry California.
Sorry Mom.
Sorry Dad.
Sorry brothers of mine.
Sorry past.
Sorry my people pleaser self.
Sorry, Emily. Whoever you are.
I know you want to please people. Do everything for people. But it's about time you do something for yourself
Do u know who you really are?..
Finding myself
Now I realize that maybe it's okay that I'm not as experienced as all my friends. It's okay I haven't really had a serious relationship even though I am 17, who cares? I did for awhile until I realized how am I suppose to be in a relationship with someone when I can't even take care of myself completely I don't even fully know who I am yet. All I know is that yes I do want a boyfriend I do want that typical love story with a happy ending....What girl doesn't? But that's just not my top priority, I need to focus on myself because if I'm some crazy confused girl that can't figure out anything and is completely at a loss that wouldn't make for a sturdy relationship. I want to be able to take care of myself be self reliant then find someone who can make me happy as well :) Out of all my experiences nothing has matured me in any way shape or form so I need to stop looking for relations to fix things. I am the only one who can help myself grow physically and mentally.
