#self relection

“Caboose, I’m sorry but we have to destroy it.” He tried to keep his tone gentle. He truly didn't want to have to destroy it, but he was more concerned on keeping his friend alive more than anything else. Epsilon crossed his arms from where he projected on Carolina’s shoulder, trying to look firm and in charge. Alpha was once leader of Blue team, and Caboose often got the two of them confused, so he was hoping to exploit that. Said Blue was cornered, hunching protectively over an AI chip that he refused to hand over.

“No!” Caboose shouted, using his body in an attempt to block everyone from getting closer. Freckles, or the ‘brain’ of Freckles, was impossible to get to. If Caboose didn’t want to give anything up willingly, it took either intense bargaining or outright tranquilizing him to get him to give it up, the latter was out of the question.

“We have to, Locus has a tracker program on it.” Epsilon tried to reason with him, “It’s how he keeps finding and trying to kill us. I want to keep us all safe, don't you know that?”

“I’m so sorry Boose, but he’s right.” Wash jumped in to try and back him up, something the AI was grateful for. “We can uh...get you another robot once everyone is safe. Preferable one that doesn’t have missiles on it.”

The Spartan only shook his head, moving his hands to hold the chip close to his chest. “I’m not abandoning Freckles! It’s not Freckles fault he’s sick!” He shifted his stance once he saw Carolina and Tucker move a little, both soldiers keeping well out of the way. “Why can’t you fix him? You're smart!”

“Because Locus is probably already on the way here, we don’t have time!” Epsilon shouted, raising his voice in frustration. He was steadily losing his temper, they had been at this for a good ten minutes now and it seemed like Caboose was not going to budge. “Stop being a fuckin’ baby and hand it over!”

“Epsilon…” Carolina warned, shooting the AI a look that he promptly ignored, he was too angry. Angry because these idiots weren't listening to him.

“No!” Caboose shouted back. “I won’t because Freckles didn’t abandon me! He was there for me, unlike you.” The last word was said with so much force that the AI actually took a step back, even though he was just a hologram. It was extremely rare for the Spartan to get angry, and when he did something was likely to get broken. Epsilon switched tactics, moving to try and calm him down.

“I didn’t abandon you! We had to-”

“YES YOU DID!” Caboose was full on screaming now, hiccupping as he started to loose control over his emotions. “You died! You came back! And you left! And then you came back! And then you left again without even saying goodbye!”

“You know I had a good reason for that.” Epsilon snapped, thoughts of de-escalation thrown out the window as he got defensive. “We had to go after-”

“I DON’T CARE! I JUST WANTED MY FRIEND!” Sheer pain roared out of Caboose's throat, chasing the end of a sob. The Spartan turned around, shoulders shaking as he clutched the chip as though with was a tether to reality. “Freckles was there and you weren’t! I needed you! But you keep leaving and hurting me! All the time! I WISH YOU WOULD STOP COMING BACK AND LET ME STOP HURTING!”

Caboose threw a fist back behind him and hit the stone they were sheltering behind with so much force, it cracked in half. Stones shifted and what was once a boulder about the size of a tank was reduced to mere pebbles in seconds. If anyone was standing there at the time, they would have been utterly obliterated, and they all knew it. Unconsciously, everyone stepped back away from the Spartan, something that did not escape his notice.

“I…” The pain in his voice was evident as he watched the people he cared about be actually frightened of him. He had scared them. Blue armor shook as he pulled his fist back, now covered in powdered stone, the one that could of easily killed someone. “I’m…it was...I wouldn’t...”

“Boose…” Wash stepped forward and slowly lifted a hand towards him. Caboose couldn’t help but feel like Wash was treating him like he was about to bite someone, and it hurt. “It’s okay, we-”

He didn’t get to finish his sentence, the sudden movement spooking Caboose into running. He was there one second, and then he was gone, a simple cloud of dust dissipating where once stood. For a moment, everyone stood around and stared at the now empty spot, pebbles still continuing to shift and move about.

“Nice going, asshole.” Tucker hissed after a moment. “Real bang up job you did.”

“Shut the fuck up, Tucker, I didn’t see you helping!” Epsilon turned to stare at Tucker, flickering red in his anger. “I did the best I could, but you saw how he was acting!”

“He was acting like a traumatized person, in pain, who attached themselves to a comfort object because the usual source of their comfort up and left! The same thing that you, the one who caused it, wanted to destroy! What the fuck did you think was going to happen!?” Tucker threw his hands up in the air, frustrated and angry himself. “Christ, Church, do you ever think about anyone but yourself!”

“I AM THINKING OF EVERYONE!” The AI shouted back, “I’m trying to keep us safe!”

“Doing a real good job of doing that too, seeing that one of our teammates up and fucking left.” Tucker gestured hard at the empty spot.

“Guys-” Washington tried to interrupt, putting a hand on Tucker’s shoulder, but Tucker shook him off with a growl.

“No! It’s about time that fucking prick gets a reality check!” He whirled around again and pointed at the AI. “Listen, you think Caboose can always bounce back from anything, but he can’t. There’s only so many times a person will take getting spit on before they up and leave! And he’s taken so much shit from you! Which is rich, cause he's the only reason why you are alive right now!”

Epsilon drew himself up, ready to yell back, but was stopped by Carolina.

“Epsilon...Church.” She said, softly, trying to remain calm. He could pick up the subtle edges of guilt in her voice. “You need to listen….we both need to listen.”

“You can’t possibly-”

“Yes, I can.” She stressed, fixing the AI a hard gaze. “Our push to find the director hurt a lot of people,” She glanced over to Washington, and nodded. “and we didn’t help by leaving everyone behind again. We both need to make a change.”

Epsilon couldn’t say anything to that.

“Listen Church,” Tucker continued, rage simmering down a bit. He was still shaking slightly, but his voice was even and controlled. “I have never met anyone so completely loyal and loving like that big goofy idiot. I have no clue why he loves you so much, but you better start acting like you deserve it, or you are going to push him away one too many times and be alone. And you’ll have nobody to blame for it but yourself.” With that, he turned and began to walk away.

Time stopped, at least, it seemed like it stopped. To an AI, it was just normal processing speed as he rolled around the words Tucker said to him. What Caboose said to him.

He remembered when he had first proposed going after the director to the gang. He had lost his cool. He had gotten angry, and promptly turned it on everyone. In his mind, he had blamed them all for his suffering, his frustrations. But then he saw the hurt on everyone’s faces, people who cared about him, and he had just repaid them all by slapping them in the face.

The worst of all was Caboose. He could see in his eyes how much it had hurt him. One of the worst pains he could remember feeling was when Caboose turned around and walked out that door. He had let himself become consumed by his vengeance and anger and ended up hurting everyone with his selfishness.

Caboose had be the one to pull him out of the Epsilon unit, to make him a body, to catch him up, to be glad that he existed. It seemed like no matter where he was, Caboose wasn't too far behind, ready to help or just be there. He never treated him like the broken fractured AI that he was, to Caboose, he was just his friend. Caboose loved him from the get go, even when the AI didn't understand why.

“I have no clue why he loves you so much, but you better start acting like you deserve it, or you are going to push him away one too many times and be alone.

And you’ll have nobody to blame for it but yourself.”

It was true. All of it.

And then he went left in the middle of the night with Carolina, without so much of a note, or saying goodbye. Caboose must have thought he had died again, learning to heal a little from his time away before his dumb ass came back - and ripped open the wounds all over again.

He didn’t know a hologram could feel sick, but he felt it now. Regret and shame wasn’t an easy mix to process. Cold reality crashed down around him, and for the first time since forever, he knew he truly fucked up.

Holy shit, he was such a dick.

“Wait! Where are you going!?” Epsilon shouted, For a moment he was afraid that he did go too far, and that his friend was walking away, never to return. Afraid that he was too late.

“To look for Boose.” Tucker growled, not even bothering to turn around to give the AI a glance. “Nice of you to show your concern.”

“...Take me with you.”

“What!?” Tucker visibly bristled, sounding almost offended by that statement. “You just want to come along and hammer in that knife even deeper. Holy shit Church, you are hella eager to kill that poor man, aren't you?”

“No, you’re right…” Epsilon sighed, drawing the last of his pride together. He didn't bother getting angry at Tucker, he deserved the remark. “I am a dick. I need to apologize.”

Tucker shook his head. “No. I don’t think he’d want to talk to you right now. Let him cool down and when we get back, maybe you can try.”

“...okay.” Epsilon could only sit quietly, watching Tucker walk off and into the bush. He didn’t know how Tucker would be able to find Caboose. Caboose was nearly impossible to find if he didn’t actually want to be found, but something tells him that he’d let Tucker do it. Tucker, and not him.

Washington let out a breath he was holding and looked to Carolina. “Hey, Lis-”

“I’m sorry, Wash.” She interrupted. “I’m sorry I left again.” She went over and hugged him. Wash returned the hug with a sigh, before he let go.

“Just don’t do it again, Boss.” He gave her a thumbs up. “And it’s all good.”

“I need to log off for a bit.” Epsilon announced, and before anyone else could get a word in, he vanished back into the implant. He knew he was running away from his problems for a little while, but he needed the quiet and the dark.

He had some self reflection to do.

—

Once Caboose came back with Tucker, Epsilon apologized. Then he and the team found a secure place where Epsilon could clean the chip, in which then it was installed into Caboose's gun.

The argument was a turning point on how Epsilon treated people around him, and he realized just how bad his temper could affect everyone and how often he thought about himself. The sobering reality that he might drive someone like Caboose away was what he needed to start working on himself.

In high school, I became very close with a girl. I'll call her Joy. Joy has always been a troubled soul, and I happen to be a very good listener and friend. She would tell me about her problems and I would listen and help where I could. It worked. For a long time, Joy had other best friends and I always felt like a bit of a second rate friend. Then, during Junior and really Senior year of high school, Joy grew distant with her other friends and I became her "best friend." It felt really good for a while, and I thought it would stay that way. 

Last year, I had a really hard time adjusting to college. I became very depressed and for a long time not a day went by that I didn't wake up sad. I tried to talk to Joy about it. I thought that since I had helped her when she was sad, she could help me now. I was wrong. She tried to give me little boosts of encouragement but never really offered to talk or help. In fact, she talked a lot about what a great time she was having with her new friend. It hurt. After a while I gave up and we texted each other a lot, but never about anything that mattered. 

During winter break was when I really knew I had lost a best friend. We were at a small party at her house, and she started talking about all of the drugs and pills she took in high school. She, apparently, used to show up to school drunk or high, and she never told me. I don't know if I'm alone in this, but it really hurt. To hear her talk so casually about this in front of our friends when she never bothered to tell me really hurt me. It also came out that she had had sex and didn't tell me. It was then, in that hot tub, that I realized that this is not what a best friendship is supposed to be like. There is supposed to be some level of honesty and some level of mutual support. Our friendship had neither. 

During the next semester, we talked less and less. This summer was pretty similar to all of high school: she got invited to a lot of things and didn't include me, and I waited to be noticed. I was getting more and more tired of it. The thing is, though, I was still clinging to our friendship. Because, when she decided to hang out with me, I was happy. I was happy to be wanted and talked to and invited somewhere. You know the song "Nicotine" by Panic at the Disco? That's kind of how I felt about being her friend. 

Now, for my change of mind. I recently went on a trip with her and another friend and my little sister. It was supposed to be an amazing trip, and it absolutely was in most ways. However, that's really when I decided I was done with her. She was trying to act ~cool~ in front of our other friend and kept talking about drinking and weed and fake IDs in front of my sister, which is completely inappropriate. All she did was talk about how she wanted to appear cool and edgy and generally was too wrapped up in what she thought other people thought of her. I was just very  much over her shit by the end of the trip. It's like it all culminated in that last straw. 

But I wouldn't have been able to make this mental break from her if it weren't for all the friends I have made in college. It took a few months of separation to realize that I have two new best friends, one of whom is going to be my roommate this year. They're what best friends should be: they text me first, they get excited when they see me, they listen to my problems, and they love spending time with me. And I do all the same for them. It took having good best friends to realize what I was missing. And I am so grateful to these two girls, far more than they'll ever know, because they taught me about friendship. Though we may eventually part ways, they will always hold a special place in my heart as the two people who showed me what friendship truly can be. 

On top of that, I have a growing and strengthening group of friends outside of my best friends. I sometimes feel left out around them, but I'm going to try my hardest to stay involved and I think I could really enjoy my time with them. One of them was texting me and saying that she wants to hang out with me more this year which really gives me hope for the future.