My roaring voice
16.07.2020
I have been putting it off for quite a couple days now. I am having anxiety and have suffered from headaches for days and nights bcos of our current situation where my family's visa has alrdy expired and we are in deep shit debt, struggling financially. Dennis (my father) kept on bugging us to talk, he's come and gone here in our home since last month a couple times which is more than compared to the past couple of years since he's left us. He's messing up mom and our minds.
As much as I don't wanna admit it, it's makin me long to spend more time with him as we grew up deprived of a father but it hurts my pride, my whole being to know tht I still have those thoughts and feelings of missing him. Cos evn tho I'm angry, disgusted, cautious and lost my respect and def trust for him, there's still love. And I hate it so much that it's the truth.
Last time he went here, we discussed abt our current impasse. They argued as usual and kept on fighting with their tonation and their spiteful words, both him and my mom. But I've had it and just told them off, I tried my fuckn best not to swear and not to completely raise my voice and avoided walkn out (which I always do before cos I don't like confrontation). Then I had ths discussion with my mom.
I don't know whether to call it "coming out" cos I never rly hid it tht well but yeah.. We had exchanges of hurtful words. She got grossed out tht I was a "tomboy" which is hurtful cos she kept on saying she loved her queer friends and I find it very hypocritic of her tht she's supportive, understanding and consoling to them but whn presented the fact tht I am one she couldn't accept it. I told her tht.
To be fair, she always expresed her fears of having her children becoming queer or homosexual cos she saw how her friends were. The maltreatment, discrimination, shame and other stuff tht she didn't want us to go through. Which is her right as a parent. And within our current situation maybe she blew up tht's why she lashed out. And ultimately, she got hurt cos I didn't come to her. And I knew tht. Maybe I was deliberately hiding my thing for this girl, for wht 7-9 months? And my mom just found out now. Also, she might've reacted tht way cos I was tensed with her, distant, cold and nasty ass rude to her. I'm not justifying her behaviour cos godknows I'm fed up butyeah.. I know.
She said she wasn't sorry with her statements and conclusions but said tht maybe one day she might accept me for me. It doesn't matter tho cos I too am not gon be sorry for who I am. But I understood and didn't evn dare to argue with it. I am hurt, deeply, tbh but I can't force someone to accept me. Not evn my mom. I don't need tht. And believe me, I am not speaking out of anger or sarcasm. I'm just tired of having to feel tht I am hiding evn whn I'm not. So to put it simply, fuck it and fuckyeah.
Then Dennis and I were talkn over te phone, I let her hear it she went sniding on the side which is just irritating, I told her to "shut up, please" cos I was busy telling him off. I made some points and stood my ground and refused to be talkd over. I fought with him and made him understood tht he's condescending, he's toxic and just to stop playing the victim. He wasn't the only one suffering and made sacrifies, I told him tht and I will make hhim understand the meaning of tht evn if it takes ages.
I am so tired of playing piggy-in-the-middle since I was a child and within these past days I am learning to have a voice. Tho I hate it tht when I speak my tears won't stop and there's a slight crack in my tone. I was trying to be strong and stern and firm but I couldn't and I looked like a helpless child. I hate tht. But I am also proud of myself tht I'm starting to take charge. I'll roar and I will roar loud.
They both have issues with people, issues with each other being indifferent and issues as a child tht they bear and I want to save them cos I love them, I do. But in order for me to have tht chance, I need to save myself first. I will not stand for their immaturity, manipulation, woes, frustrations which is ther right and tbh not all the time they purposely do but yeah. I need to be brave and courageous not only for myself but for my dreams, my future and most importantly my siblings, my family.
I don't care if I end up being some villain in their stories cos when the time comes and it will come, they'd know tht we'e all just trying to be heard, trying to be understood and trying to be at peace.















