#second meanings

fam is nothing without ily 

perhaps fam should stand on its own 

because ily seems to have a different meaning 

I couldn't remember a time where I wasn't upset from the lack of affection she showed me. It had always been the case, where I sat quietly at another table, watching vicariously whilst she planted insidious seeds within me; slowly break me down, I would whisper across the room. 

The days had dragged on, and we found ourselves out to dinner. Again, we sat at different tables. I felt like a child, sitting with everyone but that one person. I wish I could sit with her. Like an achievement, sitting at her table felt like something worth fighting for and yet, this was all just imagination and I knew I was here for a reason.

I had done something, and that something was something that only she'd know. Perhaps the person on the other end of the telephone line, perhaps they would know what I did. But what if there wasn't anyone on that end of the line, and it was me all along, and I was just too immature to understand what she was talking about?

I was being spoken too by a friend, and they joked at how jealous they were of my relationship with her. They smiled in my face, constantly glancing down at their phone. Occasionally they would put it into their pocket, only to once again pull it out and start doodling on it. 

I caught my girlfriend looking at me between tables, friends and waiters walking around the tables like ballet dancers. 

She didn't avert her eyes. She continued to stare at me. She looked down at my soul. She didn't blink, didn't breathe and somehow restrained from drawing attention to herself. 

I held my gaze at her for a moment longer, until finally I stood up and walked to her side. Walking to her side and past tables of eyes watching me inventively made me feel nervous, even awkward about walking up to her. I felt like I was once again, just a child walking over to a girl who I liked very much.